Can our relationship continue to grow in positive ways?

S

Sweetpuppy

New member
I wonder what thoughts others may have on the sustainability of long-term poly-relationship -- I am happily married and involved in a LTR with a married man, H. Recently I realized, in some ways, H & I have reached a plateau. Given the limits of our other relationships and the time we have, our relationship isn't effectively growing -- I hesitate to say that it is stagnating. I also recognize that we, as individuals, must grow for our relationship to grow.

Any experience, thoughts, guidance?
 
That's an interesting question because I never thought of "growth" as being a requirement in a positive relationship. I suppose your answer depends on your measurement of growth - time spent? secrets shared? new information learned?

Certainly all long term relationships hit a plateau in terms of "growth" yet the partners continue on for decades in mutual appreciation and enjoyment. This is also true of many long friendships. Growth (again, what is growth anyway?) is not at all a necessary ingredient of a lovely, long relationship. Personal growth can certainly happen and the couple can certainly come to new places together, but this is not essential at all times for a happy relationship to thrive.

Now, if you're saying growth, but meaning that you're feeling bored, or unappreciated, or just not enjoying each other's company - well, that is something different.
 
Hi Sweetpuppy,

I think growth is something both people in a dyad relationship have to be responsible for; that is, it isn't just static; you have to actively do things to achieve an increasingly better relationship.

I would turn to books as your starting point. There are so many good books about relationships, and communication ... and even a lot of relationship books that specialize in poly and open relationships. Sure you may find some books more illuminating than others, but every book you read is bound to help you take a step higher. Enhance that experience by reading together (possibly taking turns reading out loud), and then discussing how you feel about what you read (when you finish a chapter or whatever).

Journaling is probably a good idea too. Recording the events of your lives, how you're feeling, and what you think that means. There is also spiritual growth -- meditation and stuff like that.

And you can schedule special trips to go hiking and camping in the mountains and deep wilderness. I have found that these types of activities often bring a feeling of bonding and mutual growth.

They say that the ultimate point of enlightenment is where you attain a blissful state of acceptance for all things as they are here and now. So don't be afraid to enjoy the plateaus as well as the mountains.
 
I kind of understanding what you are saying. Now that sam and I have been together for a year we've spent 4 seasons together, we are now starting to make couple friends, have traditions, we're making a home together. I finally feel like we are a real couple. I don't think id feel like that with a situation like yours
 
Overall, I find that relationships either grow or die. There are smaller cycles of contentment and growth that can be enjoyed passively, but I agree with @kdt26417 that it is up to the individuals in the dyad to foster growth when none is happening due to circumstances.

Have you considered some challenges that might cause growth between the two of you? Taking hiking a trip together where you pack all your gear for a week. Read a book about a shared interest (at home) and talk about what you took away from it via Skype or phone. Set a tough goal and achieve it together - see what you learn about yourselves and each other along the way.

I think it is a luxury to choose one's challenges. So often, life picks them for us and lays them at our door. Then we grow whether we want to or not. I do appreciate when I get to choose my own adventure.
 
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Relationships die or grow relative to what is expected of them. What is perfectly fine at one point might become a lack at another. What do you want from a relationship? How do you ask for what you want?
 
HappilyFallenAngel said:
That's an interesting question because I never thought of "growth" as being a requirement in a positive relationship.
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Personally I find the question to be baffling when applied to something like interpersonal relationships. To say that something is either growing or not growing (like a fungus in a lab) might suggest that it has measurable parameters, a rate of improvement which can be tracked, and possibly a comparison system to determine healthy growth from slow growth. So in this case a romantic association would have measurable parameters which need to have demonstrable increase over a set period of time. This increase needs to be *at least* as high as some predetermined minimum growth rate otherwise it is considered "stagnant" and therefor "dying"... man that sounds like fun!

HappilyFallenAngel said:
Now, if you're saying growth, but meaning that you're feeling bored, or unappreciated, or just not enjoying each other's company - well, that is something different.
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I can only hope that's what these folks are confusing with "growth" or "death" and they aren't actually confusing romance with a science experiment they are mapping out onto a spreadsheet :)
 
Examples of things people might need for them to feel like the relationships are "growing":
- getting to know each other even more, talking
- walking steps in the relationship ladder: meeting family, meeting metamour, start living together, get a cat or a dog or a fishtank, plan careers to match (or mismatch) each other, start having kids, buy a house etc.
-doing new stuff together; yoga, dancing, bungee jumping, travel to new places etc.
- giving up on bad habits or reduce single hobbies that take up a lot of time
- getting skills that point to the future

For instance, I feel that I am SO are growing because we learn about each others thoghts and past (we even have plans for getting to know each other more), I have met his mum, he has met my husband, we rent together in seaosn, we have a cat, we have some loose future plans together, I am helping him reduce smoking, I have started learning his language so we can speak it together etc.
 
PaperGrace said:
Overall, I find that relationships either grow or die.
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I'd venture to say that this emphasis on "growth" or requiring progress in a relationship is a perspective held by people who have not yet experienced longer relationships. Coming to new understandings and new places as a couple is something that happens early on and then perhaps intermitently in the ensuing years. Couples of 30, 40, 50, 60 years certainly do not stay together happily because their relationship is always "growing." There is so very much to a seasoned, happy, peaceful, mutually enjoyable relationship, the least of which is constant change/growth.
 
Norwegianpoly said:
Examples of things people might need for them to feel like the relationships are "growing":
- getting to know each other even more, talking
- walking steps in the relationship ladder: meeting family, meeting metamour, start living together, get a cat or a dog or a fishtank, plan careers to match (or mismatch) each other, start having kids, buy a house etc.
-doing new stuff together; yoga, dancing, bungee jumping, travel to new places etc.
- giving up on bad habits or reduce single hobbies that take up a lot of time
- getting skills that point to the future
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The Relationship Escalator!!

It's true, that might be the growth the OP was talking about.
 
Marcus said:
The Relationship Escalator!!

It's true, that might be the growth the OP was talking about.
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Yes, well it is important that you actually talk about what changes you wish to happen or not happen in the relationship, and why.

I for instance would not want to be with anybody who didn't want to have kids. I am very "Monica from Friends" about the whole question. That doesn't mean I don't aqknowledge that relationships are valuable without kids, it just means that I crave them. I am in the situation where my husband wants kids, and my boyfriend sees me as having kids but he is unsure if he wants to have a dad role or more that of a playful uncle. I would be happy either way, as long as I have the kids and they are both involved somehow. Those are things we really need to talk about more, in detail.

Another case; I like to live with the people I date, IF the relationship is close enough. The guy I was sort of dating before, I would never live with him - we had totally different standards about everything, I picture our future as "once a week and maybe every other weekend" sort of relationship. Wheras with my current two guys, I feel very comofortable sharing space with them. They are still figuring out how to share space with EACH OTHER, though, and how we balance the theesomeness (or whatever I shall call the platonic side of our relationship) with the dyads. It looks like that we for a month will live close, we have also experimented with sharing a house for a week which was ok. I know a V who share a house but their house is big as they are pretty rich compared to us, I mean we might afford a flat plus a small flat (or one, bigger flat or a small house). So I don't know if I will prefer two sets of households, or one, or something in between.

The ladders/escelators are not just for dyads but for other relationship structures as well. Like; when should a metamour be introduced to its metamour's family? Do we relate to all three set of grandparents? etc. Lots of interesting questions that could come up.

But while I like a little bit of Hollywood romance, I think it is best to just look upon relationship stuff as items put on a table, and you can pick up an discuss an item at any time. With us, life long commitment was on the table pretty much from the start (my guys are pretty romantic in a sort of drastic way).... Often people are naturally on the same page with these things, still it doesn't hurt to be a bit explicit about what one wants, even if that can change later on. I think that even when people want the same things, it speaks of respect that you bother to check out their side and explicit want to hear their wishes. Not everyone are used to telling how it is, I mean my boyfriend claimed that he hates weddings and was my very reluctant date to one, but once he was there (his workmate was the groom so we felt obliged to go), he found himself much freer than he had imagined. He absolutely loved being my date there and started to fantasize about me as a bride and what not. I don't think it is always so easy to ask people what they want and get clear answers right away, but at least with asking we can say; OK, this is the subject, go think about it, feel free to talk and we will decide at some point how to do it.
 
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Plateaus are nice places to stop and rest before you tackle the next slope. Or they may be such a nice place that you are content to build a shelter and live there, for a while or indefinitely.

I'm perfectly happy to let each of my relationships - with anybody - be the shape that they are without expectation. People grow and change, so the relationships that they are in necessarily do to. But change may come in fits and starts, breakneck speed for a bit and then a glacial crawl for a period of time. As long as both people in a relationship are happy and satisfied? Why go looking for dissatisfaction? You're not being graded.:rolleyes:
 
Well, I have to admit, I don't put much effort into making my relationships grow. As long as everyone's getting along and seems to be reasonably happy, I figure there's not a problem. If we were rich, perhaps we'd travel around the world and have great romantic times in the famous cities of Europe. But we're not rich, and Vashon Island is usually as exotic as our travels get. Our special memories are mostly the TV shows we watch together, and the odd occasions when we eat out. Instead of relationship improvements, we save up for home improvements.

And I feel pleased with what we have. I'd feel lucky if things stayed this way for the rest of my life. I'm a chicken when it comes to tempting fate.
 
It doesn't have to be travel the world. It can be going somewhere local, just doing new and interesting things, or start dancing class together. Our current new thing is moving houses. So right now our money and energy goes into that.
 
I agree with Jane... *people* grow and change over time, and so, in my opinion, relationships do the same. Hubby and I have changed, matured, and grown personally and professionally since we've been together, so our marriage is not the same as it was on our wedding day, or even a year ago. The relationship has changed to accommodate our changes. On the other hand, neither of us has actively changed the relationship; it's happened more organically.

Same with my relationship with S2. We've had some discussions about where we are and where we'd like to go relationship-wise, but for the most part, it's just grown the way it's grown.
 
I was telling PaperGrace the other night that I would be totally pleased if the next year was like the last year. (I've been saying that for years.)

It's not that I don't love change. I do. Change comes anyway. Each year brings new shifts and they're often not without some turmoil.

PaperGrace and I do tackle some really tough goals, big enough that after we cross the finish line we seriously consider not doing that again.

Are big goals and adventures necessary? I love them but I don't think so. A relationship can be a place to come and rest, to play, to enjoy.

In my old age I've become skeptical of claims that relationships require "work." I won't go so far as to say that you're doing it wrong if they seem to require work, but I think you could do better.
 
I guess as people we do individually grow -- hopefully -- and that perhaps is what growing relationships are made up of, is growing individuals.

This growth is sometimes very subtle, I think. But it can be like a stroke of lightning at times too ...
 
PaperSO said:
Are big goals and adventures necessary? I love them but I don't think so. A relationship can be a place to come and rest, to play, to enjoy.

In my old age I've become skeptical of claims that relationships require "work." I won't go so far as to say that you're doing it wrong if they seem to require work, but I think you could do better.
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This!!!!


Also, every participant in this discussion is defining relationship growth in a different way. Bonding over shared experiences is not increased intimacy is not personal evolution is not trust gained from length of relationship, etc.
 
Funny how everyone who has responded thus far has focused on the question of "growth" in terms of a relationship. I was caught by another word in the thread title, and wanted to ask the OP, "How do you define positive?" I mean, how does a relationship "grow in positive ways?" The question is soo-o-o-o loaded with expectations. And, really, is the relationship itself like an entity that can grow or not?
 
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