Would this be appropriate?

A

AmokBSN

New member
Hey all,

Some of you may remember me from posting around November/December about my partner coming out to being Poly and we had a small week or two of being separated before reconciling and wanting to keep the relationship going. It was hard at first however tensions have eased and its just like the relationship we had previously which in all honesty is great.

The small week or two we had technically separated opened up a lot of conversation and discussions we had to address in order for us to progress and at least establish a set of fundamentally important 'ground rules'

However its come to light through one of my work colleagues that my partner is on a mobile dating page (Tinder) I did not know about this and where as I know that potential dates will come up in her life and I'm open to her meeting other people outside of our relationship, this has sort of taken me by surprise.

I didn't really know that she was using this initially and feels like its been very secretive. It feels like an aggressive form of dating and I do understand it can open up conversations and the chance to meet other people that you perhaps regularly or normally wouldn't

Is this kind of action normal/common?
Am I right to perhaps feel a little uneasy about it?
What are your perceptions on this?
Should the dating instances happen more naturally or is my perception of 'aggressive dating' wrong?

Any advice welcomed, I'm still very new to this and learning all the time.
 
Are you saying you prefer she go with meeting people in real life rather than online? Because online dating makes you uncomfortable? Or that just Tindr makes you uncomfortable? That online dating "outs" you at work in ways you are not comfortable? You prefer she tell you things ahead of time so you are not caught by surprise? Something else?

I am not clear. Could you be willing to clarify your preferences? Then you can share them with her and ask if she's willing to honor some of them to help ease things in the transition time.

Galagirl
 
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I guess it just took me by surprise literally 30 minutes ago or so through a work colleague. I mean on reflection it shouldn't really make me feel slightly uneasy. I'm not angry just a little bit tense?

I'd be fine with either I suppose, meeting in person and even online, I'm actually a little unsure as to why I do feel tense. I think its due to the stigma and other stories that I have from other people explaining their Tinder experiences as using people like disposable income or items. Once the ship has docked and left then everything is just cut off.

Technology has of course progressed and finding potential matches or people to talk with has increased with the ever growing sense of connectivity and community, speaking to people directly (at least in the UK) seems like growingly uncommon event due to the nature of mobile phones and access to swipe for yes and right for no mentality.

I guess the knowing that her meeting people through something like that would have been nice to bring up. I do know that she has went out to meet people just as a hang out however thus far its never been classed as a date, I don't know if her perception of this is different to me. It's something I'll raise.

Does that explain it a little better?
 
I think I would be extremely surprised, and perhaps hurt, that my partner hadn't told me she had an account on a dating site. However, that's because we both talked about this kind of thing a while ago, and agreed to be open with each other about how we were trying to meet others and who we're talking to.

I do think there is a fundamental difference between active (seeking a partner) and passive (open to a new partner) dating, but I think a lot of it comes down to individual preference. Both could be difficult to deal with in different ways. I think Nina is more pre-disposed to passive dating. She doesn't really like the whole 'we're both here to find someone, do we fit each other?' thing, but prefers things to develop more organically from friendships or natural acquaintanceships. Active dating also takes time, which she doesn't have enough of. Whilst you could argue that passive dating is easier on the existing partner because there's not such a high turnover of people, when she meets someone that catches her eye, I always feel like it's immediately more intense - usually she's been crushing on that person a while, and they're already somewhat integrated in her life. That can be a bit hard on me.

I like both styles, but have been going through a bit of an active phase recently, which stresses Nina out a bit. I think she thinks if I have a lot of dates lined up, I'm making more connections and potentially over-stretching myself - but that's not necessarily true. I find that active dating usually allows for a less intense build-up towards something, and I prefer that in a lot of ways. I like to move slowly, and I find NRE unsettling. However, I do feel a bit like I'm suffering from the 'kid in the candy shop' syndrome. Poly is new for us both, and right now I feel like I just want to meet all the people. I already sense that initial allure waning though, and I think as my confidence in myself, and our ability to handle the schtick poly throws at us grows, I will probably slow down on aggressively pursuing dates.

I guess what I am trying to say is that there are pros and cons to both dating styles - and you might need to figure out how that works for each of you. When you talk to your wife about this, try to find out what her thoughts on the two are. It might help you process it. Nina felt a lot better about my style once she understood how it helped me feel in control of the pace of developments. I felt better about her style when she explained how artificial and unsatisfying she feels online dating is for her. So, is it just initial excitement and eagerness to meet someone RIGHT NOW, or is this her natural style? What does she feel each one offers over the other?

For you, is part of your initial feelings about it coming from realising that this is a natural difference in approach between the two of you? Or from a feeling that passive dating would somehow be easier for you to handle? Is it just that you realise now that this wasn't something you had discussed at the right level of detail, and you'd like to go back over it now? And how much of this is because you're hearing it second-hand, from a work colleague no less? (For me, that's the bit that would grate the most, easily)

Lots to think about! I hope your conversation goes well tonight.
 
There are online dating sites and there is Tinder.

Tinder is widely considered a meat market, where looks are top priority in choosing people. I can see being surprised to learn from a third party that one of my close friends (especially a BF) was on there. It's such a go-to for booty calls that monogamy is pretty much a nonexistent expectation. It's not the place most people go to find lasting, meaningful relationships.
 
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Thanks for all of the responses so far. I'll get in to more detail with my replies however I'm sort of swithering how I approach a conversation like this.

I don't want to come across as saying 'Hey so, you're on Tinder' which would result in conversations or responses such as 'How do you know?' or 'What of it?' How do I actually approach this? I don't want her to feel like I'm stalking or checking up on her situations although I do feel like it should have been addressed.

Would it be ok to say 'So one of my work colleagues took me aside and noticed you were on Tinder, you never mentioned anything about that and I thought that we were going to communicate about these kinds of situations openly?'

Again, I don't ever want to restrict what she's doing, this is the modern world these days and deleting her Tinder account would just lead to perhaps another account on a similar theme. She has an amazing judgment of character and I can firmly believe she will pass people who are only out for the one night stands, she does want to develop relationships and friends. I just feel that Tinder isn't the best method from the various stories others have told me.

That doesn't mean it can't be, I could never base an assumption on a majority over minority.
 
AmokBSN said:
Would it be ok to say 'So one of my work colleagues took me aside and noticed you were on Tinder, you never mentioned anything about that and I thought that we were going to communicate about these kinds of situations openly?'
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I think that's fine. If I were you, I would add that you were surprised at this news and that you don't want to restrict her but you are concerned about people possibly using her because you've heard Tinder is more of a meat market than a dating site, so you hope she will be careful.
 
What nycindie said.
 
I third. Just tell her you heard from coworker, were surprised, and have some concerns about Tindr.

Galagirl
 
I echo what nycindie said, but let me add a bit:

While I prefer the idea of flirting with a random stranger, I use an online dating site because I'm just not extroverted or bold enough with poly being a very uncommon thing where I live. So my introverted self would rather meet people who are looking, and I don't bother the ones who don't appear open to some form of non-monogamy. Saves bothering the strictly monogamous, but otherwise hot, chicks.
I've been on multiple sites at a time and some were more dating, but some more cheating sites. You never know what you'll find a site's culture is like until you sign on, create the profile, and see what's in your locale. Don't assume Tindr is too crude or some "normal" dating site is going to to have many attractive, open minded people who.

So, don't be surprised to find she has profiles on multiple sites; try to understand her reasoning for not bringing it up before now (maybe she decided the "how" is not important: if she is allowed to pick up a stranger at the corner market, why not a stranger online? She might be thinking it's not worth a mention til she finds someone she's seriously attracted to.
Again, it's just another opportunity to discuss big picture ideas about how to communicate, and what your expectations for your relationship are, now that poly an aspect of it. Use the opportunity to learn more about your gal, and to grow in grace with each other.

Cheers!
 
I would be very uncomfortable with a partner of mine finding or searching for other partners online. To me, that is fine if you are single, but when you have a partner I don't think that is appropriate, then much better to meet someone from your daily life. I can see that it would be useful if some serious poly sites existed, still it would mean that I would have less chance of getting involved. I found my second boyfriend on holiday, my first was informed from the first day we were in contact. Also, to go online without even telling me would I consider cheating.
 
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Norwegianpoly said:
Also, to go online without even telling me would I consider cheating.
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Why? Isn't cheating when you break the rules of a relationship that you've agreed to? Or do your relationship rules include 'if we want another partner, we all have agreed not to go online to find them'?, which has been agreed to by all?

I just don't understand how the *method* of dating or seeking dates makes this cheating (in your eyes), if it's never been explicitly agreed to that this method will not be used.
 
Infinity said:
Why? Isn't cheating when you break the rules of a relationship that you've agreed to? Or do your relationship rules include 'if we want another partner, we all have agreed not to go online to find them'?, which has been agreed to by all?

I just don't understand how the *method* of dating or seeking dates makes this cheating (in your eyes), if it's never been explicitly agreed to that this method will not be used.
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Oh, it has been very explicitly agreed upon. We know poly people who date online and we were clear we were not into that. Me me and my husband - my boyfriend is mono so not intrested - did explict agree to not look for new partners online, unless we really wanted to for some reason and then we would discuss it and potentionally reconsider. I am now polysaturated and my husband is in love with a woman he met in school/a friend (complicated), so none of us is looking at ways to hook up now. Anyway the method of dating matters because we are used to closely follow the way the other person date, which is not easy online onless you read everything they wrote/saw what they did (which I would feel was too private anyway). When we have met people we have talked to each other about them, written, sent pics, introduce them in person etc. I guess we are simply accustomed to local dating and that is our way, it feels more natural to us. We don't put in ads or go to clubs or do anything active in that sense offline, either. We are used to that, we met through friends ourselves. Anyway we agreed not to pursue people online and to my knowlege none of us have.
 
Norwegianpoly said:
. . . the method of dating matters because we are used to closely follow the way the other person date, which is not easy online onless you read everything they wrote/saw what they did (which I would feel was too private anyway). When we have met people we have talked to each other about them, written, sent pics, introduce them in person etc.
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So, none of you are allowed to have any privacy in dating (and consequently, neither do the people you date)?
 
nycindie said:
So, none of you are allowed to have any privacy in dating (and consequently, neither do the people you date)?
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There is still a privat space in dating, especially in sexual matters, but the steps leading up to serious dating are not private for us, we like to "follow" each other and give permissions to move forward. My boyfriend thinks our way is very open and honest. The three of us has a sort of best friend vibe, it took my husband no time to learn to know my boyfriend - by the time they met (after seven months) they already knew a lot about each other and did not mind to share a house with a person they had not met before.

If people react to "not having any privacy in dating", I guess they are simply not the right people for us.
 
It's my understanding that Tindr can be used however....as a hook up site, or just like any other dating app. I have friends that use it for sex, some that just use it as a way to meet other people.

I don't understand why anyone would be offended by their partner's online dating. It's a great way to weed out people who are looking for a strictly monogamous relationship, much easier than meeting someone out in real life then trying to explain yourself: "I'm married but in an open relationship. Also I'm bisexual. Still want my phone number?" With online dating, you can put it all out in the open, no misaligned expectations.

I certainly wouldn't date anyone whose other partners had to know every detail and be involved in every aspect of my relationship. But that's me.
 
Norwegianpoly said:
....the steps leading up to serious dating are not private for us, we like to "follow" each other and give permissions to move forward..... If people react to "not having any privacy in dating", I guess they are simply not the right people for us.
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Actually, online dating (not Tinder, but dating sites where you write a thorough profile) would serve you very well. As LoveBunny says, you can state up front that this is a necessary component in a potential partner. You would meet self selected people who are OK with this very specific, a-typical way of dating. I imagine that even among the poly-friendly, most people do not expect to be vetted by a group every time there is a new relationship development.
 
HappilyFallenAngel said:
Actually, online dating (not Tinder, but dating sites where you write a thorough profile) would serve you very well. As LoveBunny says, you can state up front that this is a necessary component in a potential partner. You would meet self selected people who are OK with this very specific, a-typical way of dating. I imagine that even among the poly-friendly, most people do not expect to be vetted by a group every time there is a new relationship development.
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The idea of meeting self identified poly people sound great in theory, although in actual life I imagine it would be a crowd of in the closet don't tell my husband I am doing this-type of people. The beuty of internet is that anyone can lie, or hide their confution. At least people you meet live you can use all your senses to see where they are at. Perhaps it could work if he was looking internationally, but I think at least here you risk meeting just shady people.
 
LoveBunny said:
I don't understand why anyone would be offended by their partner's online dating. It's a great way to weed out people who are looking for a strictly monogamous relationship, much easier than meeting someone out in real life then trying to explain yourself: "I'm married but in an open relationship. Also I'm bisexual. Still want my phone number?" With online dating, you can put it all out in the open, no misaligned expectations.

I certainly wouldn't date anyone whose other partners had to know every detail and be involved in every aspect of my relationship. But that's me.
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One thing is finding other non-monogamous people, another thing is to find people who are actually interested in the same type of close-knitted polyamorous relationships that we do/want to do. Even in poly circles, it seems our way of doing it is a little hard to come by.

The beauty of ANY type of dating sceme is that you weed out those who are not interested in dating/living the same way as you do! :D It is wonderful.. We sure would not be interested in dating anyone who would expect my husband to not tell me when there was interest, not wanted to tell when they started dating, not wanted to meet me early on and so on. I am not looking for sex details or the way they romance, but to share important steps. If this works out, it would be starting a family. I want to know if I will get along with a woman not likely to break my husband's heart and that I would be comfortable meeting at the breakfast table.

There is one woman that might be a candidate, if she decides to break off with her polynegative husband. I have known her for years. She is one of my husband's closest friends and they have been in love for a couple of years, slept together twice. She deeply desires kids, which her husband is not interested in. She has already moved out of her husband's house and they are selling it., she was tired of her old job so she moved to the city she grew up with and found a job and house there. I told my husband that I am ok if he wants to have kids with her, because I like her. She is not sleeping with anyone at the moment. We are really just waiting for her to make up her mind.
 
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