A little advice needed.

Magdlyn I agree with you I figured that being truthful with my potential relationships that yes I am married, yes we have children, and yes we are poly would be respectful to any new relationships that form between us. And if they were interested in my partner also that there would be no objection.

What are your thoughts on this. I hope I'm not to far off the mark. I know that it sounds like the goal is a triad, if one happens I hope it lasts a very long time, and nobody gets hurt, if no triad forms, that is great also.
 
techboy30 said:
Magdlyn I agree with you I figured that being truthful with my potential relationships that yes I am married, yes we have children, and yes we are poly would be respectful to any new relationships that form between us. And if they were interested in my partner also that there would be no objection.
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Magdlyn is offering great perspective, but I'll add:

When I meet married/heavily attached poly men, they are up front about everything in your first sentence here. Yay! The second sentence - that is something that would be better saved for when you're much more involved with someone. You want to nurture and develop a new relationship for its own deliciousness and because your new woman is special in and of herself. If involvement among the three of you happens, it will happen on its own and in its own time during the course of time and shared experiences. Its' not really something you need to "notify" anyone about at the outset of dating. It kind of comes off like you have an ulterior motive for dating.
 
Being straightforward is good, but some things just don't need to be said. Not because you're keeping something from someone, but because they're irrelevant unless they're said, at which time they essentially become pressure and expectation.

Example: if a guys says "I really like anal sex. we don't have to do that, of course, but I really like it," the reality is that if he wasn't expecting to talk about/suggest it at some point, it wouldn't have come up. (I am not saying there's anything wrong with anal sex, btw).

Telling someone "you can be involved with my partner and me" is only necessary if the interest is expressed in the first place. Stating that it's fine is, even if you don't mean to, going to come across as setting an expectation.
 
also, the statement that she would be welcome to join you and your wife kind of assumes that your new partner is bisexual. Many people new to polyamory seem to assume that most of the women involved are bisexual, when that is not in fact the case. Many, if not most, of women are straight. They would not be interested in joining you and your partner just because they simply are not interested in women,so it's best not to make any assumptions about their sexuality at the outset.
 
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techboy30 said:
Magdlyn I agree with you I figured that being truthful with my potential relationships that yes I am married, yes we have children, and yes we are poly would be respectful to any new relationships that form between us. And if they were interested in my partner also that there would be no objection.

What are your thoughts on this. I hope I'm not to far off the mark. I know that it sounds like the goal is a triad, if one happens I hope it lasts a very long time, and nobody gets hurt, if no triad forms, that is great also.
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It would be a total turn-off for me because I am straight. So, even if I were very attracted to you and found you interesting, I'd walk away because I'd figure that you really only wanted a bi chick, and I'm not that. And so, I would think of you as a unicorn hunter or too narrow-minded to realize that not every woman who practices polyamory is bisexual, and you would miss out on a great opportunity because I am awesome.
 
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Wow thank you I really do appreciate the responses. It does shed a lot of light on that matter. What the other side might be feeling.
 
Is this on a first date? If you said this to me?

"I am married. I have children. I am polyamorous. My spouse is also polyamorous.

Both I and my spouse would be respectful to any new relationship that forms between you and I.

I am ___. My spouse is ____. I do not know your orientation. If you became interested in my spouse -- I am open/ok with that. In short -- I am open to a "V" model or a "triad." I have no particular preferences, just telling you what I am open to."​

I would say...

"Cool. I am married. I have kids. I am poly. My spouse is monoamorous and poly friendly.

My orientation happens to be bi, but I am not seeking anything with your spouse.

Tell me what open models you are NOT up for. I am open to ___. I am not up for ____. I am flexible on ___.

Respect -- what kind of behavior does that mean to you? Respectful behavior to me means ____."​

I would figure this is all "get to know each other" calibration stuff. People have to be on the same page in order to be compatible. I wouldn't assume anything. I also don't feel any particular pressure. I like straightforward and figure I can always ask you equally straightforward for clarification. Like "When you say X, does that means you will expect ____ from me?"

I think it is your job to put what you mean out there as clear as possible when you broadcast your communication. I think it is my job to do active listening, interpret the communication and ask questions if I need clarifying. I cannot mind reader you. Same the other way when it is my turn to talk and you turn to listen.

At the end I would tell you "Ok, thanks! I enjoyed getting to know more about you."

And my second sentence would be either...

  • It sounds promising. Let's make another date and talk some more.
  • It doesn't sound like it is quite what I'm after. I'm sorry. I hope you find someone more compatible on your next date. Good luck!

But that's me. Everyone is different in their dating style.

Rather than trying to adjust your message to suit everyone in the world -- just have it so it suits YOU and it is your natural way of going.

It will attract those that find it appealing and it won't attract those that don't.

That's kind of the point to dating. To find and sort the compatible ones from incompatible ones. Not ever person you have a date with will be a long haul runner. It's ok.

Galagirl
 
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still learning

I appreciate all of the support and information! I am beginning to discover new friends closer than I had thought! Anybody have any links or info on poly groups or gatherings in Connecticut?
 
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