Charting Our Course

To clarify, the test she was taking is a computerized "accuplacer" that the community college uses to assign incoming students to the correct level class. The only impact on her for not passing it is that she can't take the calculus class she wanted, but since she's still in high school, that's pretty much a nonissue anyway. The classes she wants to take at the community college are just extras through which she might be able to knock off some of her freshman college requirements before she actually enters college.

So it wasn't something she needed to study for, or something that impacts a grade. It just means she has to take either chemistry or a computer course instead of calculus.

She knows that *she* was the one who chose to race through the test and not bother trying to figure out the correct answers to the questions. But she inherited her father's tendency to blame everyone else when things go wrong or when she makes a bad choice.
 
Things with Country were smoothed over by the following day, and she didn't even bat an eye when I reminded her that I would be spending the weekend with S2.

Usually I don't stay away overnight when she's home, but this past weekend was supposed to be one of her dad's weekends, and those are the weekends I spend with S2. When I picked Country up from her dad *last* Sunday, I was informed that the two of them had decided to change the schedule because of her dad's birthday, which is this Friday. I would have liked a bit of discussion with me before they decided the change was a done deal, but given that it's because Country wants to be with her dad for his birthday, I couldn't really hold it against them.

So she was home this past weekend, when she wasn't scheduled to be, and I'd already made plans with S2. And for a change, I decided not to change the plans with him because of a change someone else had made. So I told Country I would be gone Saturday night because S2 and I were planning to go to a concert, which was true at the time, and then would be going to a car show Sunday morning, also true, so I would be crashing at his place rather than driving home late at night and driving back there early the next morning. I also told Country that that's the way it usually works on the weekends she's with her dad, because those are the same weekends Spikes and Beads stay with their mom.

Her only question was "Is his couch comfy, at least?"

I said, "He only has a recliner, but yes, it's comfy."

So by Friday, everything was fine. Saturday morning, I left for S2's before Country was awake; even though it was about 10:30 in the morning; she'd had jaw problems the night before so hadn't been able to sleep. We were having a snowstorm, so driving was not easy, but I didn't want to spend the weekend at home. I just wanted to be with S2.

It was a very nice, relaxing weekend. We didn't leave his place at all Saturday because of the storm, but he'd gotten a new couch on Friday, so we had a lot of cuddle time, which was really nice. And we talked a little about our relationship; he told me again (without me bringing it up this time) that he isn't looking for anyone else, and reassured me when I did bring it up that I'm not imposing on or smothering him, and he likes having me around. I didn't flat out ask; he'd changed part of his profile from "I'm looking for someone mature enough to handle nonmonogamy and in exchange I'll give you your space" to "mature enough to handle nonmonogamy and respect my need for space". So I wanted to make sure he was considering me as respecting that need. He said that part of his profile doesn't even apply to me.

He also told me he "doesn't talk about all that sappy feelings stuff" and that he *shows* how he feels about people. Which I'd already figured out.

Sunday morning, we went to a car show with his best friend since high school, who'd wanted to meet me. This is the guy who, when S2 first told him about me, said, "Dude, you're going to get shot for screwing around with a married woman."

But the meeting went well. He's a pretty cool guy, and now that he understands that I'm not *cheating* on my husband, he's pretty much in the "if you're happy, I do'nt have to understand it" camp.

Right now we're gearing up for the blizzard that's slamming the northeastern US over the next couple of days. Hubby's at work but should be home before the storm really starts, especially since he works only 4 miles from here. Country was at school, but her college class was canceled. She just got home, 25 minutes late because our town has closed one of the only two routes in and out of town, so the bus had to detour to get Country here.

I'm worried about S2, who's at work in downtown Boston. He'll be leaving work in about 15 minutes, but has to take public transportation to his car, which is usually about an hour trip but will probably be longer today, and then has to drive another 15-20 miles from the train station home. I've asked him to text me once he's home so I know he's all right.
 
Another day, another snowstorm...

Because of last week's blizzard, I wasn't able to see S2 on Tuesday as usual, but we got together Thursday night. He called me while I was on the way to warn me about a traffic issue (I take the same route to his place that he takes home from work), and we stayed on the phone for a while, until he got to the pizza place where he was buying our dinner. I spent a few hours with him, and it was nice.

Yesterday, his band rehearsal was canceled due to Super Bowl, so I texted to ask if he wanted to get together briefly for dinner or something after he dropped Spikes and Beads at their mother's. He was already in the middle of dropping them off and had other errands to run, so wasn't able to meet. But he called me and we talked for over an hour.

Until Thursday, the only other times he'd called were back in October when the STD issue came up (he called because he thought I'd be angry and would dump him, and if so, he wanted it to happen over the phone instead of in person), and one night when I was having a massive panic attack needed a loving voice to hang onto so I could calm down, so I texted him and asked if he could call me. Usually, we just text each other. He's told me he doesn't like talking on the phone.

But he's called me twice in the past few days, and both times, we talked for a long time. It made me feel special.

We aren't going to be able to see each other this Tuesday either, because he has an appointment after work. Last night I asked if I could go over on Thursday instead, and he teased me about how I might get tired of him since this weekend is one of our weekends together. I said--making sure he knew I was also teasing--"I'm more worried about you getting tired of me, since you're the one whose profile says something about respecting your need for space."

He got irked...not because of what I said, but because he absolutely does NOT want me to ever think I'm intruding on him or smothering him or whatever. I assured him that I was only joking, and that I understand that the only parts of his profile (on the dating site we belong to) that apply to me are the parts about his being in a polyamorous relationship and being attached.

He said, "And the part about our relationship being awesome. Don't you forget that."

Meanwhile, today, because of the storm Alt and Country have both been home all day. Earlier, Alt's rant about how 50 Shades of Grey glorifies abusive relationships rather than painting an accurate picture of a consensual BDSM relationship led into a discussion among the three of us about sexual and romantic orientations. During the course of the discussion, I came out to Country about being polyamorous.

Her response was, "Yeah, so?"

I didn't go so far as to tell her about my relationship with S2. I wasn't quite ready for that yet, and she was getting fidgety anyway. But I'm sure she suspects anyway. She's an intelligent kid.
 
And yet another snowstorm...

S2 and I saw each other last Tuesday. On our way back to his place from dinner, his ex-wife called, and they were on the phone for quite a while, over half an hour after we got to his place. She's dealing with a potentially major health issue and wanted to talk about that, and I completely understood--but at the same time, as the call dragged on, I felt like I was intruding and I felt annoyed that S2 was making zero effort to even alert her that he was in the middle of something else, let alone to end the call. I almost walked out on him. I know she's still important to him, but I felt like he was making her *more* important than me.

After he got off the phone, I burst into tears, because I was frustrated, and I felt guilty about being frustrated. And he thought I was *jealous* of his ex. I wasn't. I just felt like I was being minimized in favor of her; not jealous so much as hurt, which I told him.

Because of that, I spent most of the week in anxiety mode, fearing that I was expecting too much of the relationship, that he would get sick of me putting pressure on him or being jealous or whatever, and so on.

This weekend was one of our weekends together. I was supposed to go to his place Saturday, and because of my anxiety it started off badly (to me) as it was... and then *my* ex called and said he needed me to pick up Alt and Country that day instead of Sunday, because of the weather forecast. At that point, I hadn't even made it to S2's yet... and I called him in tears, because the phone call from my ex, his tone of voice and the demand that I make an instant decision about what time and where to meet to get the kids back, pushed me from anxiety to panic.

Leaning on S2, calling him in that state, made me even more anxious about our relationship. I told him I didn't want him to think I was fucked up, and he said, "No, you aren't, I know fucked up." And I said, "Yeah, you know me"... and he laughed.

I ended up driving to S2's, picking him up to go with me to pick up the girls, bringing them home, and then S2 and I went to the get-together with friends that we'd been planning to go to. Way too much driving.

During the time between getting to his place and us leaving to pick up Alt and Country, I talked to him a little about the anxiety I'd been experiencing. He told me that I don't need to be afraid of him breaking up with me because of the anxiety or because I lean on him. That made me feel a little better...

But then yesterday before I came home, we were talking again. He told me that he's very unlikely to break up with me because of *me*, but that sometimes being in this relationship is very stressful for him because he can't tell people about it. He's worried he could lose his job because of it; he's worried about the impact on Spikes and Beads if the wrong person in their life found out; he's worried about what his family might say. He said if he ever breaks up with me, it would probably be because of that.

He also pretty much told me that if Hubby and I ever split up, or Hubby wasn't in my life anymore for whatever reason, he (S2) would also be done with me, because one of the main reasons he's with me is that he knows I'm not looking for the combine-households-finances-lives thing that a single woman might want.

Which put me back in anxiety mode again. Afraid that I put too much pressure on him. Guilty because he can't tell people about us, and because he's worried about what might happen if the wrong person found out. Feeling trapped because I'm in an all-or-nothing situation now, either I'm with him AND Hubby or I'm with neither of them.

I talked a little with Hubby about it last night and told him that sometimes, I want to just break up with S2, or with both of them, so they aren't stressed or hurt or whatever. Because I'm not worth them feeling that way. Hubby worries about his family finding out or about my ex and *his* family finding out... S2 worries about pretty much everyone in his life (though he says that he *isn't* worried about his ex-wife and her girlfriend, because his ex at one point suggested polyamory and so would understand the situation)... I worry about how Country will react and about her father and his family finding out.

Hubby told me that it isn't up to me to decide whether I'm worth it to him or to S2; that's up to them. And he said I am definitely worth it.

It's just hard right now... I'm the type who always figures that if something's going wrong, it's because of me, and I don't want people to feel like I'm a burden or too much trouble, so if I think someone's going to feel that way I usually cut ties with them so I don't risk being hurt by them when they realize they can't deal with me. And yeah, I know how fucked up that is... that's the joys of depression and anxiety, coupled with having been raised by a mother who constantly told me I was too much trouble, wasn't worth anything, and just existed to make her life more difficult.
 
KC43 said:
Hubby told me that it isn't up to me to decide whether I'm worth it to him or to S2; that's up to them. And he said I am definitely worth it.
Click to expand...

I have those same thoughts all the time... and Mal tells me the same thing. Some days I want to record it so I can play it back over and over again.
 
I try to remind myself of how many times Hubby and S2 have both told me how they feel about me, have both told me they want me in their lives, etc. I've even written down some of the things they said and hung it up by my desk so I can *see* their words.

Doesn't always help, though. Anxiety and depression are dicks, and sometimes no amount of logic and reassurances from others gets through. I just keep plugging away, though, and both guys know that sometimes I just need to hear something positive.
 
I'm really glad S2 and I had our conversation on Thursday. I'm feeling confident and solid in the relationship. He said he's thought about looking for someone else, but first of all he doesn't really have time for a second relationship, and second of all, he, in his words, doesn't want to fuck up what he and I have for the sake of finding someone he might not even click with.

I'm kinda pissed and overly worried right now because someone on my ex-husband's Google Plus circle messaged Hubby last night and told him I'm cheating on him. She specifically told him to find out where I go on Tuesday nights. (Which are the nights I'm with S2.)

To the best of my knowledge, in my offline life, the only people besides my kids, Hubby, and S2 who know I go out on Tuesday nights are my ex and his wife...

I ran damage control with my ex, who claimed not to know anything about it. Told him I'm not cheating, and that this person had better step back. My ex said he doesn't know her personally, that she's just someone who sent him an add request so he added her, but he said he would take care of it. I also told him I was calling because I was concerned that this woman might tell *him* I was cheating on Hubby. He said not to worry about it. He also said someone, possibly this same woman, had pulled the same stunt on him and his wife.

I'm not hugely worried, but I am a little. I don't know who this woman is, but since she's in my ex's circle, she has access to contact Alt or Country. Alt knows what's going on, but Country doesn't, or at least hasn't been told. And last weekend, as I said a couple of posts ago, S2 and I talked about how sometimes he gets stressed about the possibility of the wrong person finding out about us. I told him about this woman's message and that I had dealt with the situation, but it still could be another reason for *him* to worry. (I won't be able to actually discuss it with him completely for several days, because he has Spikes and Beads until Wednesday, but I do plan to discuss it if I'm still concerned.)

On the other hand... Hubby just laughed it off, and my ex sounded disgusted that someone was starting drama. And my ex met S2 last weekend when S2 went with me to pick up Alt and Country, which might help.

Some people just have nothing better to do than stir up shit. I admit I was tempted to join my ex's circle just to track down this person and go off on her, but rationality prevailed...
 
My ex told me he doesn't really care what people say or what Hubby or I do as long as it doesn't directly affect Country. (He apparently doesn't care about Alt anymore, either because they've never gotten along or because she's legally an adult.) Hubby found the full name of the woman who messaged him, and we believe she's someone from the dating site, who tracked my ex through my defunct Facebook account that my ex and some dating site folks are "friends" with. No one's heard anything from her since.

On Saturday, I had two panic attacks. The first was because of a whole bunch of small stressors that piled up. The second was because of something a "friend" from the dating site said, coupled with me still being shaky from the first.

Saturday night, S2 and I had plans to go to a party with some of our dating site friends. I had the first panic attack before I even left my house, but he was expecting me at a certain time, so I drove to his place like that. When he let me in and saw the shape I was in, he just put his arms around me and told me it would be okay. I kept apologizing to him; I hate having panic attacks and hate even more that he saw me having one. But it didn't seem to faze him.

The party was pretty good, other than the comment that the one woman made that set me off again. That time, I shut myself in the bathroom of the bar until I pulled myself back together, so the only ones who knew I had a panic attack were S2 and my friend Cat, and they only knew because I told them.

There was a woman there who I knew years ago, who recently became active again on the site after several years of monogamy with her husband. She knew back then that she was polyamorous, but her husband wanted monogamy, so she tried it. Recently, she realized it wasn't working for her, so she and her husband agreed to try polyamory. Apparently he isn't dealing very well with it, but at least he's trying. And as she pointed out, he's only had a couple months to get used to the idea.

She was there with a date, and the three of us were talking about polyamory. Her date was amused because some of the things I said and advice I gave were exactly what he'd said to her on their way to the party. I gave her my number and told her she could call or text me any time she wanted to talk, vent, whatever.

I realized again, from that conversation, how fortunate I am that Hubby not only accepts but encourages me to be polyamorous because he wants me to be myself, and that S2 is completely on board with and happy about the situation.
 
Last night I saw S2 for the first time since Saturday's party. The moment I got there, he hugged me and told me he'd missed me. That made me feel good.

Then he told me that Maple had emailed him on the dating site asking him to hook up with her. He said if it had been another friend of ours (whom I've mentioned here before but can't remember her name right now) he probably wouldn't have hesitated, but he wasn't sure what to do about Maple because on the one hand, they're friends, but on the other hand, he's also friends with her on-again-off-again and doesn't want to cause conflict.

That made me feel like crap. I am aware that he has the right to see others. I will never take that away from him, and he knows it. But on the other hand, I have the right to feel how I feel. When he talks about hooking up with someone else, or even if I think it's a possibility, I feel afraid. And with Maple it's worse... She has sabotaged me and talked behind my back in the past, so my fear that she would try to break up S2 and me has some basis in reality. Especially since S2 told me that one of the times he went hiking with her last summer, she said to him, "What the fuck are you doing with KC anyway? What do you even see in her?" (His answer, according to him, was "She was the first one I met, we click, and I think she's a really cool person.")

I had to leave the room under the pretense of going to the bathroom so I could cry for a couple of minutes. I didn't want to cry in front of him because I didn't want him to feel guilty--or worse, manipulated. When I was calm enough, I went back and asked if I could be honest with him even if it came out sounding stupid, and he said of course.

So I told him that I fear that I don't actually deserve this relationship. That the people in my past who told me I don't deserve good things and that good things will never last in my life were right. I told him why I'm particularly worried about the idea of him hooking up with Maple, but that I would/will have fears no matter who he hooks up with.

I also made it very clear that I don't feel jealous or envious, just afraid, and that I will never ask him not to see others or try to dictate who he can or can't see, though I added that if I have an issue with someone he's interested in, like my history with Maple, I will express my *preference* that he not get involved with them, but I will also not try to make him go by *my* preference and won't be angry or jealous if he does hook up with someone I'd rather he steer clear of.

He said if Maple did try to talk against me or sabotage anything, he wouldn't let it happen, but he also said that because of what she said about me last summer, plus a few other things along with his friendship with Maple's other, that he really wasn't interested, he'd just been thinking about it.

He said that even with the woman he'd told me he probably would have said yes to, thinking about hooking up with her--or anyone else--feels wrong to him.

And then he said, "I'm not going anywhere. And one of my biggest goals in life right now is not to fuck up what we have. So you don't need to worry, I just need to figure out how to turn her down."

The rest of the evening was good. Some music, then some relaxing and cuddling while watching TV. Then I left to go home...and ten minutes down the highway, my tire blew.

I called Hubby, who was 45 minutes away and working. He left work but said he wasn't going to drive out to me until I found out whether I'd be able to get a tow truck. (For some reason, the only road service that's allowed on that highway is owned by the state department of transportation... things like AAA are flat out not allowed.) I called the state police and they dispatched a tow truck, but couldn't give me any idea how long I would have to wait.

So I called S2, so I would have someone on the phone with me who was nearby just in case something happened. Instead of staying on the phone, though, he got out of bed, got dressed, and drove out. The tow truck got to me just before S2 did, so he followed the truck to the nearest service plaza, where the truck driver put on my spare tire, which couldn't be done on the side of the highway because the breakdown lane isn't wide enough.

S2 stayed with me until he was sure the car would be safe for the road. He even paid for the tow. He got home the same time I did, around 1:15 this morning, and had to get up at 5 for work, but he said he doesn't care, that I would have done the same thing. And Hubby stayed on the alert ready to drive out to me until I let him know I was all set.
 
Over the weekend, I saw something on S2's dating site profile that really worried me. Nothing horrible; just something unexpected. Because of what happened with Guy, when I see something unexpected from someone I'm involved with... I worry.

And I was reluctant to talk to S2 about it, because I didn't want him to think I was spying on him. I'd read a couple of things on his public blog on there, and that led to a couple of other things he'd posted in interest groups, so it wasn't like I'd gone digging, and I wasn't trying to be intrusive. But I was concerned that he might think I had been.

Because I was worried the day I saw that, I texted him "This is random, but will you always be honest with me, and am I safe with you?" And he immediately replied "Yep." That set my mind at ease somewhat, but I still wanted clarification about the things I'd read.

We talked it out yesterday, and everything's cool. And he assured me he didn't mind that I'd read those things.

Yesterday... he completely amazed me. My car has been off the road since last Thursday; when the tire got shredded, the rim was damaged too badly to put another tire on, and we had to order a new rim, which hasn't come in yet. Friday, Saturday, and Monday weren't problems because I could use Hubby's truck; Sunday wasn't a problem because I didn't have to leave the house.

But yesterday... Hubby needed his truck for Job #1 AND Job #2. I needed a vehicle to pick up Country from school, and since it was Tuesday, I was supposed to spend the evening at S2's (and come home for the night). Hubby and I tried renting a car, but because of the weather around here lately, there have been delayed flights and such, and no rental cars were available within 25 miles of us. He called his mother to ask if we could borrow her car, but she was out of town. There isn't anyone else around that we could call.

So out of desperation, I called S2 and explained the situation. And his response astounded me, as did Hubby's cooperation...

In the mornings, he usually drives from his house to a train station about 15 miles away, parks there, and takes the train into the city.

Yesterday, he drove from his house to a train station near *me*--35 miles from his place. And he took a half day off from work so he could pick me up and take me to get Country. We brought her home, and I went with S2 to his place... where I spent the night, because it wouldn't have been fair to him to have to bring me back home again. I couldn't believe he was willing to do all that just to help me out... and when I said so, he said, "Well, you would do the same for me."

That's where Hubby's cooperation came in. The agreement has been no overnights with S2 except on the weekends that Country's with her dad. But Hubby was completely okay with me spending last night with S2, because the alternative was for me to not have the usual Tuesday with S2 and Hubby didn't want me to miss out on that.

I'm usually the one who gets Country up for school in the mornings, but this morning, she had two alarms set to make sure she got up, and Alt got up an hour early to make sure Country didn't miss her bus. Teamwork FTW.
 
KC43 said:
... Teamwork FTW.
Click to expand...

Yes!

More people looking out for each other = more better!

Thank you for taking the time to share with us.

JaneQ
 
Thanks, Jane :)

Months ago, when I arranged for S2 and Hubby to meet, S2 said one of the reasons he wanted to meet Hubby was because he (S2) figured it would be a good thing in case we needed someone to pick up one of the kids or something. I never thought I would actually take him up on that, and I am so grateful he was willing to help.

Kind of a rough afternoon yesterday/morning today. Yesterday, news broke that 2 teenage girls had made a suicide pact and threats against their high schools on Facebook.

One of the girls is one of Alt's best friends. She's been taken into custody and is under observation in the hospital now. We knew she had serious mental health issues, but she's generally a very sweet girl, and she usually tries to help others who have mental illnesses. That's how she and Alt became friends, because Alt is the same way.

Alt is blaming herself; she was talking to the girl the night before last and didn't realize anything was wrong. I keep telling her that the girl didn't *want* anyone to know there was something wrong, so she was probably hiding it quite well, and also that even if Alt had recognized a problem, there wouldn't have been much she could do. At least the girls were found before either of them hurt herself or anyone else, and now they'll get help, I hope.
 
Last week, S2 was talking about Maple's email to him on the dating site. He never answered her, and he was avoiding the site altogether for about a week and a half because he didn't know if she would take the hint or get angry and bombard him with nasty messages.

Earlier this week, another friend on the site said something to me in the chat room about "people starting shit again." She was having a party at her home; I'm usually invited to those but hadn't gotten an invite to this one, and had mentioned to a couple of people that I wasn't invited. Someone went to her behind my back and told her I'd said that, so she was checking to find out what was going on. (She had sent an invite; Facebook had hidden it from me for some reason.) But she said she wanted to make sure I knew she didn't have a problem with me, because "people are starting shit."

When I saw S2 on Tuesday, we talked about that a little. He said in addition to wondering how Maple's reacting to his lack of response, he thinks she may be blaming me for it. Based on his observations of Maple and her clique, and from what I and others have told him, he thinks it's pretty likely, and that she and/or her cronies may be the ones "starting shit." Because some people never mentally graduated from high school...

Last night when I was there, I did a relationship check-in with him. When I asked if he's still okay with how things are going, he hesitated before answering. Then he said he's okay, but it's still very stressful for him sometimes. He can't tell his family or most of his friends about me, and because his employer is a very, very conservative company, if anyone there found out about our relationship, they could use it as an unstated reason to fire him. He said he thought the stress and "weirdness" of our relationship would lessen over time, but for him, it hasn't, and that bothers him.

He thinks (but can't remember for sure) that he slipped and called me his girlfriend when talking to Spikes at one point; he isn't worried about Spikes knowing, or even about the boys' mother and stepmother finding out, because they're all pretty open-minded. But he is concerned that if Spikes knows for sure, he might slip and say something in front of S2's mother or another relative, because Spikes's mouth sometimes runs ahead of his brain, so even if he were told that he had to keep it a secret, he might forget.

At this point, I've mostly gotten past the fear that S2 will break up with me for someone else. But I am worried--reasonably so, according to him--that the stress will become too much for him, and that will cause him to end the relationship. I can't do anything to make it easier for him.

I told him there are several mono folk on this board who are in relationships with poly folk, and that he could almost certainly find information, resources, and support here, but he refuses to join this forum or even read it, because he wants me to feel free to express whatever I want to express without worrying about him seeing it. I told him as long as he doesn't read this blog thread, it's all good, but he insists he wants this forum to be a safe space for me, which means him not even knowing the name of the forum. But I know there are resources and links listed on here, so I might poke around and generate a list for him to check out.

One thing that surprised me, though--in a good way--was that one of the biggest causes of the stress for him is that he WANTS to talk about me. He said I'm an important part of his life, and I make him very happy, and he wishes he could tell the other important people in his life all about me, about things like us going hiking or recording music together or whatever, and mostly about me being his girlfriend, not just a friend. Not being able to share his happiness about me with others is one of the hardest things for him.

That's something I definitely understand. I want to be able to talk freely about him, and I can't. I do have my "people I trust" restricted list on Facebook, where I can post about him sometimes, and I'm able to talk to Alt and sometimes Hubby or my mother about S2. And I have other friends I can talk to. But around certain people, or in certain places, I have to be careful what I say, and that's hard.

He did make me a promise, though, completely of his own choice (I wouldn't even have asked for a promise like this; it wouldn't have occurred to me). He said that if the stress does become too much for him, he'll be honest with me and he won't stop seeing me, he'll just ask to take it down a couple notches to platonic friendship. That would be hard, but he said he can't imagine a time when he wouldn't want to have me in his life somehow or other. Knowing that helps me worry a whole lot less about the possibility.
 
Last edited:
Things are going okay. Last Tuesday, my car broke down on the way to S2's place. (Again. This time it was the radiator, not a tire.) I called Hubby, then called S2 because I was closer to his place. Ironically, if I'd called S2 first, he would have been able to get to me within minutes; he was only a minute or two ahead of me on the highway. But because of when I called, and how the exits are spaced out, it took him over an hour to get to me...He brought antifreeze, but that didn't help. So Hubby okayed me spending the night at S2's house.

When I told S2 I was sorry he was "stuck with me" for the night, he sarcastically said, "Oh, good gosh golly, whatever will we do?" Meaning he didn't have a bit of problem with it.

This past weekend was kid-free, but instead of spending the weekend together as usual, we were planning to just see each other Friday evening. Saturday was his birthday, and he wanted some time to himself, and was also planning on some family time. I thought I would be coming home Friday night, but he wanted me to stay over, so I did. (And made sure he had a good birthday morning...)

We've been working on some music together, and I'm feeling really discouraged about that. He says I have a "great voice, very sweet and soothing"... but I'm trying to sing rock music. Sweet and soothing isn't going to work. And I'm still working on improving my breath control and singing in general. I used to be really good, but years of not singing other than in the shower or with the car radio have gotten me out of practice. I feel like I'm wasting my time and S2's. He's talking about us doing some recordings and playing gigs next year, and I don't know if I have a shot in hell at being able to do it...And I don't know if he wants to do those things because *he* wants to, or because he's indulging me.

Meanwhile, the lead singer of the band S2 is currently in sent me a friend request on Facebook, under one of my pen names. I don't know how he found me... When I mentioned it to Hubby, he said, "Well, he probably found you on S2's friends list."

Except I'm not on S2's friends list. He refuses to friend me or let me friend him on Facebook at all. I kind of understand why. He doesn't want to explain to his friends and family who I am. But when I was seeing Guy, Guy didn't even want anyone in his life to know I EXISTED, and yet he still friended me on all of my Facebook accounts.

S2 wouldn't have to explain why I'm his Facebook friend. People have random friends on there. But every time I've mentioned it to him, he gets this deer-in-headlights look on his face and sputters out some kind of excuse. Usually something along the lines of "I'm not on Facebook that much anyway"... but then he proves himself a liar by saying, nearly every time I see him, something about a meme or post he saw on Facebook. If he's not on there "that much", how is he seeing several new posts every single day?

I'm trying not to take it personally, but it is personal. I don't need to be on his friends list as his girlfriend, but his refusal to friend me at all makes me feel like I'm his deep dark dirty secret. And as I said, I feel like he's lying to me when he says he isn't on there that much but then keeps talking about posts he's seen there. And that both hurts and pisses me off.
 
I talked to S2 about the Facebook thing the other night. I think he was annoyed with me for bringing it up, which is a first... He's usually really laid back about whatever I say. Either this is a sore spot for him, or I was seeing something that wasn't actually there.

But I told him that I was mostly trying to understand his reasoning. He said he was afraid that "someone" would say something on his Facebook that would clue his family etc. in on the fact that he's involved with a married woman. When I asked who he thought would say something like that, given that I've had a lot of practice at NOT saying anything about our relationship and wouldn't even consider doing so on his profile or tagging him or whatever, he said he was afraid HE would screw up and mention it. I'm still not entirely sure why that would be more of a risk if he and I were friends on there than when we aren't, but I'll accept it, because as much as I don't understand why it's important to him that we *not* be Facebook friends, I don't entirely understand why it's important to me if we *are*. So I'm trying to let that go.

It's been a tough week in general anyway. Our car keeps breaking down. We can't really afford any more repairs, but now one of the cylinders is misfiring, and the mechanic said I shouldn't be driving it at all, let alone the 40 mile round trip to Country's school or the 70 mile round trip to S2's. (I tell people I go to S2's town for bass guitar lessons, which isn't entirely untrue.) I had to rent a car for the past two days, which we also couldn't afford.

On top of the chronic car issues, Hubby's been in a major depression/anxiety mode this week. I've never seen him like this. Part of the problem is the car; more of the problem is that he got a serious traffic ticket when he was working his second job the other night. He's going to have to go to court, and there's a possibility--though I think it's a slim one--that they'll suspend his license. That would mean no more second job, which would mean our finances would be a lot shakier than they are right now.

So this week, he's been doing a lot of isolating. Hiding under the covers, literally. Calling in sick to his primary job. Refusing to interact with me or the kids, other than one night when he was almost in tears saying he's a failure because he doesn't take care of me "properly." And other than telling me that and mentioning the ticket, he wouldn't talk to me at all about what was on his mind because he thought I wouldn't be able to handle it.

Yesterday I finally told him that I felt like I'd lost one of my best friends because he'd withdrawn from me so much. I said that yeah, I do have depression and anxiety, but that it's easier for me to hear someone else's problems than to deal with my own, and that as his wife, I believe I'm *supposed* to support him when he needs it. He did talk to me about his fears, and I was able to help him sort through the anxiety to recognize the most likely, worst case, and completely unrealistic possible outcomes. He laughed about that, because usually he's the one doing that for me. He seems a lot better today, so I'm hoping he's coming out of it.
 
Hubby finally came out of his depression a few days ago. Or at least he decided to stop acting depressed. We don't know yet what's going on with the traffic ticket. The car's most recent issue fortunately turned out to be something very minor; we still had to pay for repairs, but nowhere near what we paid for previous ones. The misfiring cylinder was just a cracked spark plug, and while the mechanic was checking things out he found out that one of the brake drums was full of salt and sand, so he cleaned that out.

But I ended up renting a car for the week, which I picked up on Monday, because at that point we didn't know what the car would need or how long it would take. And it cost less to rent a car for an entire week than for three days, which made no sense to me... but it would have been over $100 more if I'd rented for just Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.

I haven't really seen Hubby much this week. He's been working both jobs, except for yesterday, and yesterday when he got home from his primary job, he shut himself in the cellar to play online games until bed.

But that may be for the best. Aside from still being in a foul mood, he's started arguing with me again about pretty much everything... I'll state a fact, and he'll tell me I'm wrong even though I have evidence to back my statement, and he has none to back his argument. He does this fairly often, and it infuriates me. It basically makes him look like an ignorant, arrogant prick, especially when he puts on his most condescending tone of voice while he's doing it. And when I SHOW him the evidence that I'm right, he either continues saying I'm wrong or just grunts and walks away. I've been biting my tongue to keep from yelling at him about it, so not seeing him much isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Meanwhile, Alt met a guy on OKC... They talked online for a few days, met face to face Tuesday, and she promptly packed her bags and took off to spend the rest of the week at his place. And since she's an adult, there wasn't really much I could do about it, though I did tell her I though that was a massively unwise decision given that she'd just met him. Her father got on her case about it too. But she's still with the guy; she's going to her father's on Sunday for Easter from there.

When I vented to S2 about that, he said, "On one hand, maybe it wasn't a good idea, but on the other hand, what did we do the first day we met?" Um... not even close to the same thing... yeah, I went back to his place with him, but I had my own car (Alt doesn't even have her license), and I stayed for a few *hours*, not a few *days*. Plus I was 44, considerably older and wiser than Alt, and better able to defend myself.

I've been checking in with Alt daily, though. So far things seem okay. I did meet the guy when he was here Tuesday, and he seems decent, but I've thought that about the other guys Alt has dated, and they've all turned out to be jerks at best, borderline abusive at worst. So I don't really have much hope with this guy. We'll see.
 
The thing between Alt and the OKC guy ended badly... He introduced her to his ex-girlfriend (they have twin 1-year-olds together), and the girlfriend contacted Alt privately and said, "He's being nice to you now, but that's how he was with me until he started smacking me around." Apparently the guy is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and bipolar disorder, and on more than one occasion became physically violent with the ex-girlfriend--and claimed not to remember it afterward.

Fortunately, when Alt found this out, she was at her dad's; instead of waiting until Easter day to go to her dad's, she went on Good Friday. So she messaged the OKC guy and told him she wasn't coming back and didn't want to see or hear from him again. Supposedly his ex is going to go to his place to retrieve the things Alt left there.

I told her I'm not going to say "I told you so," but that in future, I hope she makes wiser choices, and that she needs to remember that when I tell her I think something's a bad idea, I'm speaking from experience, not just saying something to be a bitch.

I've been struggling this week. At the beginning of the week, Hubby and I got into it because I played a song for him that S2 and I've been working on, and Hubby essentially said that no one would like the song, and that my voice sucks. That was upsetting and frustrating, especially when S2--the one who has 30 years of experience as a musician--says otherwise. And the more I tried to explain to Hubby how much his comments hurt me, the angrier he got, as if the problem was entirely mine. I even told him that I wasn't looking for him to tell me the song is good if he doesn't think it is; I was just looking for "I'm proud of you for trying" or "Keep working on it". Some kind of encouragement or support. He said he wasn't willing to say that.

I talked to my therapist, S2, and a few friends about it, and all of them said I "shouldn't" care what other people think, because I should be doing the music just for myself. To my perception, they sounded like there's something wrong with me and whine-ass about me that I want other people to say good things. Maybe that's true, but the reality is that I grew up with people who were never proud of me for anything I did, and I spent my entire childhood trying to make them proud. I put a lot of pressure on myself, and it hurts when my efforts aren't even acknowledged.

I told them all that. I think my therapist understood, and I know S2 did. It isn't that I rely on other people to validate me *instead of* validating myself. It's more that I still battle the voices from the past telling me I'm not good enough, not determined enough, not whatever enough to do anything right, and sometimes I need a voice from the present saying differently to help me remember that the people in my past were wrong about me. Sometimes I'm not strong enough to battle the past on my own.

When I tried again a couple of days later to talk to Hubby, I told him that I know I'm never going to be a famous recording artist, and that isn't what I'm trying for. I just would like to hear him say "I believe in you," the way he's always done with my writing. I don't want him to lie and say I'm an amazing musician; I know I'm not. At least not yet. But it helps to have him and S2 say things like "Keep trying; you can get better." Hubby agreed that he could do that.

Another part of the problem with the music is that S2 and I almost never work on it together. The goal is to get used to playing several songs together, then expand to including more musicians, and in about a year, do at least a few live shows. It's going to be pretty nearly impossible to meet that goal if S2 and I don't actually play any music together. I talked to him about that on Tuesday, and I told him I know he's often tired, and sometimes he doesn't want to work on it and sometimes he doesn't think of it, but if he's serious about doing this with me, and isn't only going along with it to humor me, I need him to contribute to making sure we actually rehearse together sometimes. I don't think it should fall entirely on me. He agreed.

But... he and I have very limited time together as it is. When a week ends with a "kid weekend", I only see S2 for a total of 6-8 hours that week. If it's a kid-free weekend, I'm with him for a total of about 28-30 hours, because we spend the weekend together.

That might sound like a lot, but on the weekends we spend together, about 8 hours is spent sleeping, for one thing... And in the rest of the time, we're trying to include reconnecting after not seeing each other--and often not even communicating--for a few days; eating meals; snuggling on the couch to watch TV; going on "excursions" to places he thinks will interest me; and sex. And now we're trying to squeeze music in there as well.

I told him I'm concerned about the time crunches, and said maybe we could add a day each week to get together for at least a couple of hours solely to work on music. He got kind of a deer-in-headlights look on his face, gulped, and said, "I don't think we need to do that now. Maybe when we start actually putting the band together."

Recognizing that, as usual, my depression-colored perception is playing a role in how I'm seeing this, that statement and the way he said it felt like a rejection. Like the idea of spending even a couple more hours a week with me was something he couldn't stomach. And the feeling of being rejected was compounded by the fact that we didn't have sex at all this week; he didn't attempt to initiate, and when I did, he said he was too tired. (I'm sure he was tired. In fact, on Thursday I know he was, because he kept falling asleep. But even knowing that he was legitimately tired... emotions and feelings happen. Knowing *why* someone does something doesn't change how I *feel* about them doing it.)

And then, because I was still shaky from the beginning of the week, the spiral started. With both guys.

Continuing in next post...
 
Hubby says he loves me, but barely interacts with me during the brief amounts of time we're both home and awake. We spend zero time together doing things as a couple other than fucking. Friday night I got home from dropping off Alt and Country (they're spending an extra weekend with their dad, because the dog that previously belonged to their late grandfather had to be put to sleep), and Hubby was watching TV. When I sat down to watch with him, he got up and said, "There's nothing on I want to watch, so I'm going downstairs to read my book." And off he went.

Meanwhile, when S2 and I are together, he's completely focused on me. We watch TV together snuggled up on his couch, or he takes me places, or we (sometimes; far less frequently now) have sex. But he doesn't say he loves me. He's never said those words. As I've said previously in this blog, back in October, when I told S2 I love him, his response was "Likewise."

When I've tried talking to him about his not ever saying it, he says, "I'm a guy. We don't talk about feelings."

I know some people don't say those words easily. I'm sure he said it to his ex-wife, but if so, she's the only woman he's said it to in at least 17 years. He's still getting through the end of his marriage; they haven't filed for divorce yet. So on an intellectual level, I do understand that there are a few factors making it difficult for him to say he loves me. For months now, I've worked to *see* his feelings for me in the way he talks to me, the way he acts with me. The way he treats me.

But it's becoming as difficult for me not to hear it as it is for him to say it. And right now, with that, with him saying he doesn't want to spend more time with me even if it's just to work on our music, with him not willing to friend me on Facebook (I know I said I would let go of that, but it's proving harder than I thought to do so, especially with the rest of the factors I'm mentioning)... I feel like he's pulling away. Like he's only still with me because he doesn't want to hurt me, and because by his own admission, I'm what's gotten him through the past several months.

When Hubby says hurtful things to me, I know he doesn't *intend* to hurt me. He doesn't think things through before he speaks. He suffers from "sounded better in my head" syndrome with a heaping side of "open mouth, insert foot." But that doesn't make his comments any less hurtful.

With S2, I understand that he's afraid of people finding out he's dating a married woman. He worries about repercussions at work and with his family. (Not with Spikes or Beads or their mother, but with his mother and siblings.) I know he likes having time and space to himself, because it's really the first time in his life that he's had that. But knowing those things doesn't make it hurt any less that he won't friend me, that he won't say he loves me, and that he isn't willing to spend any time with me beyond what we already have.

And on to part 3... dang.
 
I talked to Hubby about a lot of this yesterday, because it was a very rough day. He was supportive and loving, and he did listen, which was helpful. When I mentioned that we only spend time together in bed, he said, "You're right, we should do something about that." I told him to save it; this is far from the first time I've brought this up, and every time, he says we should do something about it. And then either nothing gets done, or we change things for a week or two but then he goes right back to hibernating in the basement when he's home.

I told him I feel like everyone--him, S2, Alt and Country--expect me to coordinate and plan everything. Country has complained often about us not eating meals as a family, not doing any family activities, etc., but when I try to make plans, everyone argues. She won't eat one thing; Hubby won't eat something else. When we play games, Country gets infuriated when she loses, and ends up either accusing others of cheating or--last time--throwing the game pieces. When I suggest a family excursion somewhere, no one can agree on where to go. So why am I the only one putting energy into making plans when no one else seems to want to follow through on them, despite being the ones who complain about there not being plans?

S2 and Hubby pull it on me frequently. "You have to tell me when you want to do something." "You have to decide what you want to do and then drag me out of the house to do it." (Those were Hubby's exact words the last time this subject was brought up.) "Even when we make plans together, I'm not going to remember them, so you have to make sure we do them." (Those were S2's exact words a few weeks ago.)

A lot of this comes down to my expectations. To me, if you want to make plans with someone, you make plans. You don't wait for them to do it, or tell them you want to make plans but they're the ones who have to actually make them. If you *have* plans with someone and actually want to do whatever it is, you remember it.

If you love someone, you say it. At least once. And you make the effort to spend time with them doing things other than fucking.

Hubby told me he gets scared when I talk like that. He's afraid that after Alt and Country move out, I'll leave him because we don't have anything in common. I told him that's a very real possibility, because we *don't.* All we have in common is sex and raising my kids. He said he knows how lucky he is to have me, or anyone at all, because he knows what his flaws are. He says he likes being around people, but doesn't like interacting with them, and it bugs him when someone talks for more than a couple minutes or when there are several people around. He took responsibility for the fact that we don't spend time together, saying that while his work schedule does have an impact, his personality and preferences are the main factor. He was very firm in saying that it is *not* because of anything about me. That helped a bit.

I haven't been able to talk to S2 yet. It's a kid weekend (even though my kids are gone), and this isn't a discussion I'm willing to have via email or text message. I don't even know what I'll say to him, to be honest. I don't want to issue ultimatums, that's for damn sure. Nor do I want to push him to do or say something he feels unable to do or say.

But I'm hurting. I don't have the right to tell him he "has to" say he loves me, or "has to" friend me, or whatever, but don't I have the right to say "It hurts me that you won't say you love me, and when you refuse to friend me, I feel like you're either hiding something from me or you're hiding me because you're ashamed"?

I love him, and he's meant a lot in my life over the past several months. But I think I need to know this relationship has a future. Not a "relationship escalator" type of future. I think if he and I lived together, we would drive each other nuts in short order, and I don't see him ever being willing to go through with any type of commitment ceremony. And I'm okay with that. By future, as best I can verbalize, I mean... does he love me? Am I truly part of his life? Am I someone he wants to have in his life, as his friend and lover, for a long time to come?

And I need to know whether he's ashamed of me and our relationship, or just afraid of repercussions if certain people find out.

If he can't give me any of that... If he can't say he isn't ashamed; if he can't say he loves me at least once so I can hear it, or at the very least say "yes" if I say "Do you love me"; if he can't say that I am part of his life as a whole and not just a separate piece of it... Then I think that for my own mental well-being, I would have to end the relationship. Regardless of how much of my feelings are a result of his actions or lack of, and how much are a result of my mental illness, the fact remains that I feel hurt and rejected, and I can't stay in a situation where I feel that way.

At this point, I have limited options when it comes to Hubby. I am filing for disability, so once that goes through (my lawyer says it's pretty much a definite, it's just going to take wrangling with the system for a while) I'll have my own income. Until then, though, I'm financially entirely dependent on Hubby, and so are Alt and Country. And I couldn't leave Hubby at this point anyway, because I promised Country I would stay with him until she graduates high school, and I don't break promises to my children. So even though I experience more emotional pain because of him than anyone else in my life, for the next 16 months or so, I have to stay.

But I don't have to keep anyone else in my life if I feel hurt by them. I don't want to lose S2. I want him in my life. But not at this price.

I'll be seeing him Tuesday night, so hopefully by then I'll have figured out how to talk to him about this. He has said several times that he wants me to bring up problems with the relationship, because he wants it to work. So we'll see.
 
So last night I saw S2...

I told him I felt like lately he's been pulling back. He said yes, he has been.

I felt like I'd been punched in the heart.

I asked him why. He said he's stressed about his impending divorce; he's preparing to finally file the paperwork. He also said that having to watch what he says about our relationship is still a source of stress for him. On Easter, he wanted to brag about me to his family ("brag" was his word), but he couldn't. He didn't even feel comfortable saying he was seeing someone, because they would have wanted to know more about the "someone" and he didn't know what he would say. He also said that because he's moving toward finalizing his divorce, he's in "emotional protection mode" and so would be pulling back from anyone, it isn't only me.

I told him I'd asked because I didn't know whether I was perceiving things accurately, and that now that I knew I was, I didn't know if he was pulling back because of stress or because he wanted to say the relationship wasn't working anymore.

He said, "I thought about saying that."

Another punch in the heart.

He said right now, he doesn't want to "downgrade" the relationship. He has made it clear, and reinforced last night, that he never wants me completely out of his life, but if he reaches a point where he can't handle hiding the relationship anymore, he would want to pull back to a platonic friendship. But he said that for now, he wants to keep things as they are.

Then I asked if he loved me. He didn't answer until I told him I wanted complete honesty.

Then he said, "I'm not sure. Part of me does, but part of me can't say that right now."

I thanked him for talking with me and for being honest. But now I don't know what to do.

All along, until the past week or so, I've believed he did love me. And he didn't say he doesn't. In fact, he said "part of him" does. I'm having trouble thinking of that as a positive when "part of him" doesn't, or at least isn't able to identify it as love right now.

I trusted him more than I've trusted anyone in my life lately. I felt safe with him; I believed he wouldn't hurt me. He *said* he wouldn't hurt me. He *said* I would always be safe with him.

But now I don't feel safe, and I don't feel like I can trust him not to hurt me. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern, just waiting for him to decide he can't take the stress anymore.

Part of *me* wants to say "You know what, let's just call it over now so you can figure out your life". That would hurt, but at least *I* would be controlling my own pain. And I wouldn't be waiting for him to drop it on me.

But I know he's afraid of being hurt too, and I've also promised him I would do my best not to hurt him. Right now, I don't know if he would be hurt or relieved if I called it off.

I've also told him I would still want to be his friend if we weren't in a relationship anymore, but to be honest, I don't know if I would be able to do that. At least right after the relationship ended. I would be losing too much. I wouldn't be able to just randomly hug or kiss or touch him anymore. I wouldn't be able to let myself look at him and think "I love you" even when I won't say it out loud. We wouldn't cuddle on the couch watching TV anymore, or lie in his bed wrapped up in each other just being close and talking.

I don't want to lose those things. I don't want to lose *him*. But I've been hurt so many times by so many people, and last night, he confirmed my fears. And now, no matter what we do during our time together, and no matter how hard I try to focus on just being present with him and letting go of the future, I'm always going to know that it won't last, and I'm always going to be wondering "Is today the day he ends it?"

Relationships suck sometimes.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top