New to Poly Relationships, Looking for Advice
- Thread starter Drakkaras
- Start date
Squashking
Member
Wonderful News! It sounds like you are all handling this perfectly.
~S
~S
So G and myself have a date set up for next weekend! This will be the first time the two of us have gone out and done anything together as a "couple", rather than just as friends. Going out to a movie. Very exciting!
Also, I believe M and my wife will be spending some time together that same day, though they are viewing their outing as "just friends". My wife has accused me of promoting their relationship and trying to make sure everyone gets along (admittedly, I have a tendency to play the mediator - always have in my own family), so I'm doing my best to just leave it alone and allow the two of them to communicate with each other, rather than through me.
My wife has confirmed that the status of her relationship with M will have no impact on my ability to pursue a relationship with G (meaning, if they don't work out, she has no problem with me continuing to explore what G and I have). This was one of my biggest fears about the situation and has allowed me to feel like I don't need to push the two of them to move at the same speed... I don't know that M will be quite as understanding, but only time will tell. But I know that I can't expect their relationship to grow at the same speed as ours.
Thank you all again for the replies and encouragement. This is a very exciting time in my life and I am constantly amazed at how much more fulfilling and enjoyable my days are since starting this adventure
Also, I believe M and my wife will be spending some time together that same day, though they are viewing their outing as "just friends". My wife has accused me of promoting their relationship and trying to make sure everyone gets along (admittedly, I have a tendency to play the mediator - always have in my own family), so I'm doing my best to just leave it alone and allow the two of them to communicate with each other, rather than through me.
My wife has confirmed that the status of her relationship with M will have no impact on my ability to pursue a relationship with G (meaning, if they don't work out, she has no problem with me continuing to explore what G and I have). This was one of my biggest fears about the situation and has allowed me to feel like I don't need to push the two of them to move at the same speed... I don't know that M will be quite as understanding, but only time will tell. But I know that I can't expect their relationship to grow at the same speed as ours.
Thank you all again for the replies and encouragement. This is a very exciting time in my life and I am constantly amazed at how much more fulfilling and enjoyable my days are since starting this adventure
Squashking
Member
NRE is definitely intoxicating... have fun on your evening out.
The only thing I would worry about is when relationships are not the same. Your wife may be telling you "it's ok", "I'll be fine" but i wouldn't believe that. I am not suggesting she is lying only that feelings of jealousy and possessiveness have a sneaky way of building even when you think you got it handled. Give your wife lots of love and attention during this process.
I think its always best to move as fast as the slowest runner. It may be frustrating for others but well worth it in the long run.
~S
The only thing I would worry about is when relationships are not the same. Your wife may be telling you "it's ok", "I'll be fine" but i wouldn't believe that. I am not suggesting she is lying only that feelings of jealousy and possessiveness have a sneaky way of building even when you think you got it handled. Give your wife lots of love and attention during this process.
I think its always best to move as fast as the slowest runner. It may be frustrating for others but well worth it in the long run.
~S
Now that I've been chronicling my experiences with this quad over the last month or so, I've decided to continue writing as things progress. Feel free to respond if you would like, but I am not necessarily always going to be posing a question. Some of my posts (such as this one), may just be updates for posterity. I think it would be fun to look back on this one day with the others involved!
Tomorrow is the day! I don't think I fully realized how big of a deal this is for me until just recently... I haven't been on a date with another woman in the last 10 years. Suffice to say, I am nervous and excited and scared and elated all at the same time!
Things really seem to be taking a turn for the better lately with the whole quad situation. I have been talking more often with the other man (M) and we have continued to grow our friendship bit by bit. I'm starting to feel comfortable expressing myself towards his wife (G) when he's around, which is huge. He's continuing to have weekly therapy sessions and is making steady progress, based on what he has said and the changes G has told me she sees in him. He even made a sex joke about G and myself (something he would have NEVER done in the past)!
M is placing a lot of trust in the two of us in agreeing to a formal date (again, something he would have never done before), so I want to be sure to respect that trust and not do anything to betray it. I am somewhat concerned that my ability to restrain myself will be tested, but I am shooting for longevity and a lasting relationship here, so I will do all I can to make sure nothing outside of the agreed upon boundaries goes on.
Also, my wife and M are going out the day after to spend some time together and get to know each other better. Initially, the two had great chemistry and are both highly sexual people. But when things started to get more serious between G and I, M pulled away from my wife out of fear that any activity he engaged in with her must also be permitted between G and I. He's been consumed with emotions and thoughts related to his feelings about G and I being together over the last few months, but it seems like he is clearly becoming more comfortable with the idea and I think he now has room in his heart and mind to offer my wife the kind of relationship she would like to have. He has some making up to do though, as she felt hurt when he suddenly pulled away with no explanation and stopped communicating with her. I'm hopeful about the two of them, but I am making a conscious effort not to push or manipulate them to do anything they are both not interested and ready for.
G is slowly becoming better at expressing her feelings towards me, which I absolutely love. She's made it very clear to me how badly she wants this to work out and that her intention is also for a long-term relationship to grow out of this. I keep reading about NRE, and I am definitely experiencing it in full force right now! While it might have been frustrating at first, I'm glad that our relationship was forced to develop in this slow, deliberate way. I feel like a kid again, and the playful build up to more intimate physical interaction is exhilarating. I find myself having sexual dreams about her pretty regularly... It's all very exciting and I look forward to a time when we can be together without all of these limitations. I recognize that there is a chance that may never happen, but I am very hopeful and I think all signs point to that becoming a reality in the future!
Tomorrow is the day! I don't think I fully realized how big of a deal this is for me until just recently... I haven't been on a date with another woman in the last 10 years. Suffice to say, I am nervous and excited and scared and elated all at the same time!
Things really seem to be taking a turn for the better lately with the whole quad situation. I have been talking more often with the other man (M) and we have continued to grow our friendship bit by bit. I'm starting to feel comfortable expressing myself towards his wife (G) when he's around, which is huge. He's continuing to have weekly therapy sessions and is making steady progress, based on what he has said and the changes G has told me she sees in him. He even made a sex joke about G and myself (something he would have NEVER done in the past)!
M is placing a lot of trust in the two of us in agreeing to a formal date (again, something he would have never done before), so I want to be sure to respect that trust and not do anything to betray it. I am somewhat concerned that my ability to restrain myself will be tested, but I am shooting for longevity and a lasting relationship here, so I will do all I can to make sure nothing outside of the agreed upon boundaries goes on.
Also, my wife and M are going out the day after to spend some time together and get to know each other better. Initially, the two had great chemistry and are both highly sexual people. But when things started to get more serious between G and I, M pulled away from my wife out of fear that any activity he engaged in with her must also be permitted between G and I. He's been consumed with emotions and thoughts related to his feelings about G and I being together over the last few months, but it seems like he is clearly becoming more comfortable with the idea and I think he now has room in his heart and mind to offer my wife the kind of relationship she would like to have. He has some making up to do though, as she felt hurt when he suddenly pulled away with no explanation and stopped communicating with her. I'm hopeful about the two of them, but I am making a conscious effort not to push or manipulate them to do anything they are both not interested and ready for.
G is slowly becoming better at expressing her feelings towards me, which I absolutely love. She's made it very clear to me how badly she wants this to work out and that her intention is also for a long-term relationship to grow out of this. I keep reading about NRE, and I am definitely experiencing it in full force right now! While it might have been frustrating at first, I'm glad that our relationship was forced to develop in this slow, deliberate way. I feel like a kid again, and the playful build up to more intimate physical interaction is exhilarating. I find myself having sexual dreams about her pretty regularly... It's all very exciting and I look forward to a time when we can be together without all of these limitations. I recognize that there is a chance that may never happen, but I am very hopeful and I think all signs point to that becoming a reality in the future!
I wish you all the best as you wait for your lover's husband to get over his One Penis Policy.
It is a shame your new lover and her h got that pattern so well established over so many years. It is also a shame that her sexual activities with other women were so often done in his, and now your, presence. You two "enjoyed the show" of his wife getting it on with your wife. He has done this for years it seems.
I find it a bit odd that your new lover found so many women who were willing to put on a show for the husband. But, be that as it may...
My opinion and tastes are wildly different from yours, your wife's, and the other couple's, so I would never find myself in this pickle. I have very little in the voyeur/exhibitionist realm. I much prefer what I find to be a greater degree of intimacy in one on one sex.
Either way of going is normal, of course. Humans are mammals and have a long history of living in shared spaces where others could watch couples having sex, or where some group sex went on. Males might line up to bang a woman in heat. There is even a theory that women are so naturally vocal when being sexually pleasured, just to attract another male or males onto the scene to continue pleasuring her once her current partner shot his load. This has biological soundness to it. (Read Sex at Dawn for much more on this topic.) Humans may be more like bonobos than chimpanzees.
Anyway, here we are. Your male friend was content to continue the pattern he and his wife had established. He found other women non-threatening. He got to watch, maybe even join in, with his wife's chose female sex partner, in a group sex situation.
Suddenly, his wife now wants another MAN!!! The horror! He seemed to feel, as all OPP men do, that another female was no threat to his r'ship with his wife. But a GUY??? Obviously he will steal his woman away.
I feel sorry for people in this situation, I really do. It is ultimately misogynist.
It is a shame your new lover and her h got that pattern so well established over so many years. It is also a shame that her sexual activities with other women were so often done in his, and now your, presence. You two "enjoyed the show" of his wife getting it on with your wife. He has done this for years it seems.
I find it a bit odd that your new lover found so many women who were willing to put on a show for the husband. But, be that as it may...
My opinion and tastes are wildly different from yours, your wife's, and the other couple's, so I would never find myself in this pickle. I have very little in the voyeur/exhibitionist realm. I much prefer what I find to be a greater degree of intimacy in one on one sex.
Either way of going is normal, of course. Humans are mammals and have a long history of living in shared spaces where others could watch couples having sex, or where some group sex went on. Males might line up to bang a woman in heat. There is even a theory that women are so naturally vocal when being sexually pleasured, just to attract another male or males onto the scene to continue pleasuring her once her current partner shot his load. This has biological soundness to it. (Read Sex at Dawn for much more on this topic.) Humans may be more like bonobos than chimpanzees.
Anyway, here we are. Your male friend was content to continue the pattern he and his wife had established. He found other women non-threatening. He got to watch, maybe even join in, with his wife's chose female sex partner, in a group sex situation.
Suddenly, his wife now wants another MAN!!! The horror! He seemed to feel, as all OPP men do, that another female was no threat to his r'ship with his wife. But a GUY??? Obviously he will steal his woman away.
I feel sorry for people in this situation, I really do. It is ultimately misogynist.
IndieSolo
Active member
It all sounds like Edwardian England, with lords and ladies spending months passing letters to their lovers or potential lovers, exchanging sighs, heated glances, and brief embraces whenever they could, until they could arrange a time and place for an actual tryst!
Enjoy it. It all sounds like everyone is making whatever efforts they feel capable of to be considerate of all involved, while looking after themselves.
graviton
New member
Good luck. I've been precisely where you are now and find myself filling with sadness and heartache because it all fell apart for me. Unfortunately my heart and that of my girlfriend was broken by her husband suddenly slamming the door shut due to jealousy. There are few things more frustrating than having someone external to a relationship control it with their drama and insecurities. I will never put myself through that again.
The date went really well! We were both behaving ourselves, for the most part (nothing outside of the agreed upon boundaries), there were some intense embraces and quite a bit of impassioned hand holding. Only a couple of times did I feel like I was on the verge of jumping the gun, but I was able to remind myself of the value of her partner's trust (for both of us) in this situation and how a hasty misstep on my part could have disastrous consequences at this stage. We went out to dinner at a fun restaurant where they have drag shows on the weekends. It was a lot of fun and we both loved it. The feelings I was having... I felt like a kid again! We both get along so well and have so many of the same little quirks and personality traits. It was a wonderful evening and, I hope, the first of many.
Her husband, M, said he was having some feelings come up yesterday before the date but he is now at a point where he can recognize his feelings for what they are, accept them, and realize that the only way to move past them is to push his comfort zone, bit by bit. The growth he has shown over the last couple of months is, honestly, astounding. My date, G, said that the two of them had been discussing "potential next steps" that we could explore if the date went well. I spent an hour with the two of them when I dropped her off and there were no hurt feelings or tension whatsoever. Life is good!
Her husband, M, said he was having some feelings come up yesterday before the date but he is now at a point where he can recognize his feelings for what they are, accept them, and realize that the only way to move past them is to push his comfort zone, bit by bit. The growth he has shown over the last couple of months is, honestly, astounding. My date, G, said that the two of them had been discussing "potential next steps" that we could explore if the date went well. I spent an hour with the two of them when I dropped her off and there were no hurt feelings or tension whatsoever. Life is good!
Squashking
Member
Awesome! I look forward to hearing more.
Lol I love that description. Totally. I love that though...is that weird? Thanks for updating and sharing all that's going on. I am looking forward to seeing more progress for all the relationships and hope that you all continue to be open minded and willing to talk honestly about concerns. I guess it really is hard to undo years of societal pressures in our ,
Minds.
Hit a bump in the road... I am the type of person to feel my emotions very strongly, I always have been. In the past, I learned not to open up to others. While I could experience the highest highs - pleasure, joy, euphoria, pure happiness - I was also vulnerable to the darkest lows - sadness, hatred, depression, confusion. After a few times of flying too close to the sun, only to be burned and come crashing down, I put up walls to keep people out. I've kept those walls up for the last decade, if not longer. The only person I've really allowed into that inner sanctum is my wife... At least until I met G.
After our date last weekend, I felt that feeling again. The flying high, basking in the warm glow of the sun, pure happiness feeling. When it's just the two of us, I feel 100% comfortable and without a care in the world. Like I've known her forever. It's truly wonderful and I want to have that feeling as much as possible. However, the first time we spent together after the date was at G's home, with her husband (M) and children. She was different. Distant. The overwhelming affection and attraction she clearly demonstrated while we were out together was being hidden out of fear of how he might react. I understand that he is working through his own "stuff" right now, and again, I have no doubt he is doing all he can to get there. He has started to use the term "when" rather than "if" when referring to the two of us being together without all of these restrictions. All signs point to a great future for the two of us and I'm doing my best to be patient. But to experience such intense love and affection, just to find it missing only a couple of days later, is tough. I'm still new to all of this, and this is definitely part of the learning curve I suppose. I can see how allowing one partner to control your relationships with other partners can be a recipe for disaster...
I talked to G about how I felt. She explained why she was acting differently and that she didn't want to push things "too far, too soon" when it comes to M. M and I have talked previously about his boundaries, and he has stated that, when it comes to displays of affection, "I will need to see it so that I can get used to it." I guess I am just afraid of being forever stuck between a rock and a hard place, with M needing to see and experience our open affection for each other in order to progress, and G feeling hesitant or guilty about displaying it for him to see. I'm really not sure what to do... G says we should just let things happen naturally, but from my perspective, the constraints and limits on our relationship are stifling the natural growth of what we have together. I'm not having a breakdown or anything, and my ultimate goal here is still for longevity and an ongoing relationship with G, but some days are just harder than others.
After our date last weekend, I felt that feeling again. The flying high, basking in the warm glow of the sun, pure happiness feeling. When it's just the two of us, I feel 100% comfortable and without a care in the world. Like I've known her forever. It's truly wonderful and I want to have that feeling as much as possible. However, the first time we spent together after the date was at G's home, with her husband (M) and children. She was different. Distant. The overwhelming affection and attraction she clearly demonstrated while we were out together was being hidden out of fear of how he might react. I understand that he is working through his own "stuff" right now, and again, I have no doubt he is doing all he can to get there. He has started to use the term "when" rather than "if" when referring to the two of us being together without all of these restrictions. All signs point to a great future for the two of us and I'm doing my best to be patient. But to experience such intense love and affection, just to find it missing only a couple of days later, is tough. I'm still new to all of this, and this is definitely part of the learning curve I suppose. I can see how allowing one partner to control your relationships with other partners can be a recipe for disaster...
I talked to G about how I felt. She explained why she was acting differently and that she didn't want to push things "too far, too soon" when it comes to M. M and I have talked previously about his boundaries, and he has stated that, when it comes to displays of affection, "I will need to see it so that I can get used to it." I guess I am just afraid of being forever stuck between a rock and a hard place, with M needing to see and experience our open affection for each other in order to progress, and G feeling hesitant or guilty about displaying it for him to see. I'm really not sure what to do... G says we should just let things happen naturally, but from my perspective, the constraints and limits on our relationship are stifling the natural growth of what we have together. I'm not having a breakdown or anything, and my ultimate goal here is still for longevity and an ongoing relationship with G, but some days are just harder than others.
*continued from above*
I feel myself instinctually pulling away from the situation. That old feeling is returning, the one that tells me that I'm going to be hurt. The one that tells me not to chance the potential despair for the beauty and warmth that could be had. G can sense the difference in me, and we've addressed it. But I can't change how I feel.
I'm fighting this feeling. I don't want to give up just because things are hard. This is too important to me. I want to dive head first into this, but I feel like the pool hasn't been filled up all the way yet. If I jump in now, I could wind up with a broken neck. But how long do I wait for the pool to fill up? I know what I want. I know how to get what I want. But I don't want to manipulate people into doing things they aren't ready for. I'm not the one holding the hose here; I am at the mercy of M, who has total control over the water level.
Fear is a liar. Fear tells us that we can't overcome whatever is causing us to be afraid. Fear tells us that we shouldn't even try, because what's the point? Fear convinces us that things will turn out horribly, and the worst case scenario is guaranteed.
"I will not let the fear of what might happen stop me from finding out for myself." This has become my mantra as of late...
I feel myself instinctually pulling away from the situation. That old feeling is returning, the one that tells me that I'm going to be hurt. The one that tells me not to chance the potential despair for the beauty and warmth that could be had. G can sense the difference in me, and we've addressed it. But I can't change how I feel.
I'm fighting this feeling. I don't want to give up just because things are hard. This is too important to me. I want to dive head first into this, but I feel like the pool hasn't been filled up all the way yet. If I jump in now, I could wind up with a broken neck. But how long do I wait for the pool to fill up? I know what I want. I know how to get what I want. But I don't want to manipulate people into doing things they aren't ready for. I'm not the one holding the hose here; I am at the mercy of M, who has total control over the water level.
Fear is a liar. Fear tells us that we can't overcome whatever is causing us to be afraid. Fear tells us that we shouldn't even try, because what's the point? Fear convinces us that things will turn out horribly, and the worst case scenario is guaranteed.
"I will not let the fear of what might happen stop me from finding out for myself." This has become my mantra as of late...
Squashking
Member
Drakkaras... every forward has its backward. Hang in there.
There was a joke with my OSO that every time we got together as a "family" I would behave distant and to some extend "normal". For some reason it seemed natural to me because I always worry that someone may feel uncomfortable if I displayed any excessive PDA towards anyone. It is a crazy notion and even today after 3 years I feel that way sometimes esp. if kids are present.
Considering what is happening with the other man it makes complete sense that his wife would act in such a way. She is trying to respect his feelings.
If the group moves as fast as the slower runner you will succeed and that requires patience. If not you risk scaring someone off because they get left in your dust.
~S
There was a joke with my OSO that every time we got together as a "family" I would behave distant and to some extend "normal". For some reason it seemed natural to me because I always worry that someone may feel uncomfortable if I displayed any excessive PDA towards anyone. It is a crazy notion and even today after 3 years I feel that way sometimes esp. if kids are present.
Considering what is happening with the other man it makes complete sense that his wife would act in such a way. She is trying to respect his feelings.
If the group moves as fast as the slower runner you will succeed and that requires patience. If not you risk scaring someone off because they get left in your dust.
~S
Re (from Drakkaras):
I would posit that G has quite a bit of control over the water level. She has the power to withhold displays of affection even when M says he's got to see those displays in order to get used to them. I think you're in a state of disagreement with G about what constitutes "safe enough." You could set a timetable for how long you should wait for G to assert her rights in her relationship with you -- and your rights in your relationship with her. Suppose she limits the water to its current level for ten years? twenty? thirty? Sounds like a ridiculous scenario but don't be too quick to assume. Decide how many years? months? weeks? *you're* willing to wait. You need to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Just a suggestion. Sorry you have hit a rough patch.
I would posit that G has quite a bit of control over the water level. She has the power to withhold displays of affection even when M says he's got to see those displays in order to get used to them. I think you're in a state of disagreement with G about what constitutes "safe enough." You could set a timetable for how long you should wait for G to assert her rights in her relationship with you -- and your rights in your relationship with her. Suppose she limits the water to its current level for ten years? twenty? thirty? Sounds like a ridiculous scenario but don't be too quick to assume. Decide how many years? months? weeks? *you're* willing to wait. You need to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Just a suggestion. Sorry you have hit a rough patch.
Or to give you another perspective, what's the rush?
The excitement and uncertainty can be part of the fun if you can get yourself into a relaxed headspace about it. There is of course very little real certainty in any relationship. Could accept and care for the people around you and enjoy the relationship unfolding as it will.
That doesn't mean not communicating just trying not to worry about what will happen before it does. If it's still like this in six months deal with it then instead of trying to deal with it all now?
The excitement and uncertainty can be part of the fun if you can get yourself into a relaxed headspace about it. There is of course very little real certainty in any relationship. Could accept and care for the people around you and enjoy the relationship unfolding as it will.
That doesn't mean not communicating just trying not to worry about what will happen before it does. If it's still like this in six months deal with it then instead of trying to deal with it all now?