New to Poly Relationships, Looking for Advice
- Thread starter Drakkaras
- Start date
NRE, especially with poly noobs, is a rollercoaster. High highs, love, lust, euphoria one day, anxiety the next. Usually the anxiety in any new relationship (including mono ones) centers around, Will she call? Does she like me as much as I like her? When will our next date be? Did I do something stupid on our last date and now she is getting turned off?
Now you're dating a married woman, and her husband is sensitive, and she is sensitive to his needs and anxieties.
Meanwhile read up on couple privilege and rights of secondaries. Setting a reasonable timetable for your baby steps can help you feel less at their mercy.
Now you're dating a married woman, and her husband is sensitive, and she is sensitive to his needs and anxieties.
Meanwhile read up on couple privilege and rights of secondaries. Setting a reasonable timetable for your baby steps can help you feel less at their mercy.
sdguitarguy
New member
My experience...
I have been on both sides of this.
When we first started our poly lifestyle, to help me deal with my concerns and issues, my primary decided that she would be ok for me to date women and she did not date for a while. Once I had the experience of having a partner and experienced that it enhanced my relationship with my wife, I could better understand and put myself in the opposite situation.
Once I had been through that, she started dating. For me, the physical experience of compersion was much more powerful than the "theoretical" idea of it. I still went through issues when she found a secondary but I had my mantra "Remember when I did that? How did I feel when I was out? How did I feel when I came home?"
On the flip side, I have a relationship with the wife of a friend and he has felt very threatened by this. He was very controlling and at first only wanted us (me, him and his wife) to have threesomes. These were enjoyable but not optimal. Eventually, as he has seen that this did not destroy his marriage, his wife and I have had a more independent relationship (ie. no more required threesomes). But this has been over the course of several years during which his wife and I maintained a nonsexual friendship. Much patience was required. And I pursued other secondary relationships over those years. So I was not sitting around waiting for this to develop.
I hope that my experience helps in some way.
Dean
I have been on both sides of this.
When we first started our poly lifestyle, to help me deal with my concerns and issues, my primary decided that she would be ok for me to date women and she did not date for a while. Once I had the experience of having a partner and experienced that it enhanced my relationship with my wife, I could better understand and put myself in the opposite situation.
Once I had been through that, she started dating. For me, the physical experience of compersion was much more powerful than the "theoretical" idea of it. I still went through issues when she found a secondary but I had my mantra "Remember when I did that? How did I feel when I was out? How did I feel when I came home?"
On the flip side, I have a relationship with the wife of a friend and he has felt very threatened by this. He was very controlling and at first only wanted us (me, him and his wife) to have threesomes. These were enjoyable but not optimal. Eventually, as he has seen that this did not destroy his marriage, his wife and I have had a more independent relationship (ie. no more required threesomes). But this has been over the course of several years during which his wife and I maintained a nonsexual friendship. Much patience was required. And I pursued other secondary relationships over those years. So I was not sitting around waiting for this to develop.
I hope that my experience helps in some way.
Dean
Thank you all for the replies.
The feeling of anxiety has subsided for now. Luckily, both G and I are very open to communicating with one another, and we are similar enough to know when one of us is acting "off". I've talked with her openly about my feelings and she has explained why she is taking the approach she currently is. And I'm sure this will not be the last time that I am confused by all of this! It is bound to happen, especially to someone brand new to this lifestyle.
I think that now that I've had the experience of "out on a date G" vs. "spending time with the family G", it will be easier for me to see the necessary differences in her behavior and not take it personally. Patience is the name of the game, as many of you have said. She is a dear friend to me, and that will always come first. I have hopes that things can progress beyond that someday, but maybe I need to temper my expectations a bit.
I've just been so impressed by M's progress when it comes to our relationship that I've come to expect that same steady pace at each step, which is not fair to him at all. Interestingly enough, I was looking at old messages to see when he and I had our chat about boundaries and so forth - it was only 2 weeks ago!! It seems like it was much longer than that to me... I know I need to give him time to work all of this out.
My father used to always tell me "If something seems too good to be true, it probably is." That has stuck with me throughout my life. It's a pretty pessimistic and fatalistic way of looking at things, but it does drive my thoughts and behavior to some extent. In this case, this ethos is not doing me any favors. I have trouble truly believing that the stars will continue to align and allow this relationship to progress... I have no rational reason to think this, but that nagging feeling at the back of my mind is pushing me to try and rush things when that is probably the worst thing I can do right now.
I'm just going to take a deep breath, temper my expectations, practice patience, and enjoy our friendship for what it is, which is something wonderful.
The feeling of anxiety has subsided for now. Luckily, both G and I are very open to communicating with one another, and we are similar enough to know when one of us is acting "off". I've talked with her openly about my feelings and she has explained why she is taking the approach she currently is. And I'm sure this will not be the last time that I am confused by all of this! It is bound to happen, especially to someone brand new to this lifestyle.
I think that now that I've had the experience of "out on a date G" vs. "spending time with the family G", it will be easier for me to see the necessary differences in her behavior and not take it personally. Patience is the name of the game, as many of you have said. She is a dear friend to me, and that will always come first. I have hopes that things can progress beyond that someday, but maybe I need to temper my expectations a bit.
I've just been so impressed by M's progress when it comes to our relationship that I've come to expect that same steady pace at each step, which is not fair to him at all. Interestingly enough, I was looking at old messages to see when he and I had our chat about boundaries and so forth - it was only 2 weeks ago!! It seems like it was much longer than that to me... I know I need to give him time to work all of this out.
My father used to always tell me "If something seems too good to be true, it probably is." That has stuck with me throughout my life. It's a pretty pessimistic and fatalistic way of looking at things, but it does drive my thoughts and behavior to some extent. In this case, this ethos is not doing me any favors. I have trouble truly believing that the stars will continue to align and allow this relationship to progress... I have no rational reason to think this, but that nagging feeling at the back of my mind is pushing me to try and rush things when that is probably the worst thing I can do right now.
I'm just going to take a deep breath, temper my expectations, practice patience, and enjoy our friendship for what it is, which is something wonderful.
graviton
New member
I'm hoping for the best for you brother. The thing that really sucks about this is that if it falls apart it will most likely destroy your friendship with them. plus the husband will not want you to see his wife anymore because of his insecurities about your feelings to each other. Even if you go back to "platonic" with her, he won't trust that this is the case since he forced the relationship to end rather than the two of you. It sucks and is precisely what happened to me.
Some big changes to our "quad" dynamic today...
My wife (R) decided to share her feelings towards my other partner (G) and her husband (M) today. She has been involved (more so physically than romantically) with both of them over the last few months. However, she has been distant when we are not physically around G and M, and doesn't communicate all that much with the two of them. I have known for some time that she is hesitant about building relationship(s) with the two of them, for a number of reasons.
#1. That she feels the shallow, physical relationship she has with G is "insulting" to what G and I have (which I have stated multiple times it is not, relationships will be different because we are different people).
#2. She is not feeling the strong connection she was hoping with either G or M. She still wants to remain friends and obviously both G and M will continue to be a big part of our lives, but she is too confused about what she wants right now to continue developing those relationships. She needs a break.
#3. Her experience in being with women in the past has been strictly sexual. She is not sure she is even interested in a relationship with a woman outside of physical intimacy...
#4. My wife's biggest fear in the world is disappointing someone who she cares about or who depends on her. This has led to her (for lack of a better term) "leading on" G over the last few months. I could see that G was becoming more invested in my wife than she was in G and I had tried to facilitate open communication on my wife's end about how she felt. This was a fruitless effort though and I eventually stopped trying. It seems that she has realized that continuing to hide her feelings in order to not "rock the boat" is not a healthy form of communication and will only cause people to feel even more hurt in the end when they are let down. Realistic expectations keep people from feeling disappointed.
I'm ecstatic that my wife is starting to be more open about her feelings with G and M. She will talk to me about it, but has struggled to be open with the two of them. Her timing could have been better, but I suppose late beats never.
So, how did they take it?
G is pretty upset. She has had multiple female partners over the last 10 years and some of them have been very serious relationships. She is not the type to jump into bed with someone without getting to know them. My wife, on the other hand, is sexually charged and can be very seductive. When the two first met, they immediately became physically intimate in no small part due to my wife's insistence and a heavy dose of liquor. G falls for people quickly, and it's hard for her to hear that my wife doesn't share the same feelings for her. I think she'll be ok though, going to spend some time with her later today.
M was very understanding and matter of fact. He is not emotionally invested in my wife at this point. He is interested in her, he is sexually attracted to her, and he has hopes that their relationship can develop further down the road, but he is not broken up about this "break" she has requested.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't concerned about how this shift in dynamics might change things between G and I. Not that our feelings or desire to be together would change, but that M's motivation and incentive to continue working diligently on his personal issues might lessen now that my wife is not a part of the equation... I suppose I need to have a discussion with him about that......
Any suggestions? Have any of you been in this type of situation before?? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
My wife (R) decided to share her feelings towards my other partner (G) and her husband (M) today. She has been involved (more so physically than romantically) with both of them over the last few months. However, she has been distant when we are not physically around G and M, and doesn't communicate all that much with the two of them. I have known for some time that she is hesitant about building relationship(s) with the two of them, for a number of reasons.
#1. That she feels the shallow, physical relationship she has with G is "insulting" to what G and I have (which I have stated multiple times it is not, relationships will be different because we are different people).
#2. She is not feeling the strong connection she was hoping with either G or M. She still wants to remain friends and obviously both G and M will continue to be a big part of our lives, but she is too confused about what she wants right now to continue developing those relationships. She needs a break.
#3. Her experience in being with women in the past has been strictly sexual. She is not sure she is even interested in a relationship with a woman outside of physical intimacy...
#4. My wife's biggest fear in the world is disappointing someone who she cares about or who depends on her. This has led to her (for lack of a better term) "leading on" G over the last few months. I could see that G was becoming more invested in my wife than she was in G and I had tried to facilitate open communication on my wife's end about how she felt. This was a fruitless effort though and I eventually stopped trying. It seems that she has realized that continuing to hide her feelings in order to not "rock the boat" is not a healthy form of communication and will only cause people to feel even more hurt in the end when they are let down. Realistic expectations keep people from feeling disappointed.
I'm ecstatic that my wife is starting to be more open about her feelings with G and M. She will talk to me about it, but has struggled to be open with the two of them. Her timing could have been better, but I suppose late beats never.
So, how did they take it?
G is pretty upset. She has had multiple female partners over the last 10 years and some of them have been very serious relationships. She is not the type to jump into bed with someone without getting to know them. My wife, on the other hand, is sexually charged and can be very seductive. When the two first met, they immediately became physically intimate in no small part due to my wife's insistence and a heavy dose of liquor. G falls for people quickly, and it's hard for her to hear that my wife doesn't share the same feelings for her. I think she'll be ok though, going to spend some time with her later today.
M was very understanding and matter of fact. He is not emotionally invested in my wife at this point. He is interested in her, he is sexually attracted to her, and he has hopes that their relationship can develop further down the road, but he is not broken up about this "break" she has requested.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't concerned about how this shift in dynamics might change things between G and I. Not that our feelings or desire to be together would change, but that M's motivation and incentive to continue working diligently on his personal issues might lessen now that my wife is not a part of the equation... I suppose I need to have a discussion with him about that......
Any suggestions? Have any of you been in this type of situation before?? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
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graviton
New member
Yes. All too often when your metamour (M) breaks up with their significant other or finds that they have hit a slump in available candidates they will pressure their spouse (G) to go back to monogamy as a way to protect them from their feelings. So many people seem to only be able to handle poly when they themselves have a distraction of their own. This causes hurt feelings when they expect everyone to stop what they are doing and go back to monogamy ...at least until they find a new distraction.
Big developments continue.
My wife has made it clear to both G and M that she is not interested in furthering a romantic relationship with either of them at this time. This wasn't really a big shock to me, as she and I have realized through this process that we approach secondary relationships differently. While I am "all in" with G and am very sure of what I want, my wife is in more of an exploratory phase and isn't ready to commit to that level of involvement with someone right now. G was a bit broken up about it, because she, like myself, falls for people quickly and gets invested. She's ok now. M took it well, as I mentioned previously.
So, yesterday, I sent a very long message that I had written following an evening G, M, and I spent together. This is something we do a couple of times per week - G and I work out (M sometimes joins if he is back from work early enough) and then I usually eat dinner with the two of them and their children. I LOVE doing this and I look forward to these evenings every week. Up to this point, I had been really amazed and flattered at M's willingness to welcome me into his family's life and be comfortable with G and I spending time together without him present. Anyway, the message I sent was regarding feelings that were coming up for me when the three of us spend time together. I spoke in more detail about these feelings previously in the last post (if you care to know more).
After I shared my feelings of discomfort and awkwardness when the three of us are together vs. my comfort level with G only, M and I started to message back and forth about his thoughts on it. Before long, M started to refer to things he had talked about in therapy with his counselor and how he is beginning to understand where some of his blocks in regards to G and I being intimate are coming from. Then, completely unexpectedly, M started to tell me some very personal things about his history, his childhood, traumatic experiences, and quite a lot of information about his therapy sessions that I would have never thought he would be open to discussing with me. It was very eye opening for me and helps me to be more understanding and compassionate when he finds himself in a tough spot. I guess I had been so hyper focused on the relationship between G and I that I had not noticed how strongly my friendship with M had been growing... He made it very clear that he does not trust men (as a rule) and that he is always afraid that any man he allows to be near him or his family will hurt or take advantage of them, even to the point that he has never allowed another man to be around G or his kids alone!! I had no idea how big of a deal this was for M and how incredible of a gift his consent has been up to this point. He even said that the only reason he has been open to any of this up to now has been because of me and his ability to feel trust towards me and know that I would never intentionally do anything to hurt G or his family. I have a very different view of M and his difficulties in this situation now.
It was a big day for the 3 of us. A lot of open discussion, honest sharing of thoughts and emotions, and some impactful revelations. We 3 are planning to sit down together in the near future and discuss our situation in more detail. I am cautiously optimistic about this conversation.
My wife has made it clear to both G and M that she is not interested in furthering a romantic relationship with either of them at this time. This wasn't really a big shock to me, as she and I have realized through this process that we approach secondary relationships differently. While I am "all in" with G and am very sure of what I want, my wife is in more of an exploratory phase and isn't ready to commit to that level of involvement with someone right now. G was a bit broken up about it, because she, like myself, falls for people quickly and gets invested. She's ok now. M took it well, as I mentioned previously.
So, yesterday, I sent a very long message that I had written following an evening G, M, and I spent together. This is something we do a couple of times per week - G and I work out (M sometimes joins if he is back from work early enough) and then I usually eat dinner with the two of them and their children. I LOVE doing this and I look forward to these evenings every week. Up to this point, I had been really amazed and flattered at M's willingness to welcome me into his family's life and be comfortable with G and I spending time together without him present. Anyway, the message I sent was regarding feelings that were coming up for me when the three of us spend time together. I spoke in more detail about these feelings previously in the last post (if you care to know more).
After I shared my feelings of discomfort and awkwardness when the three of us are together vs. my comfort level with G only, M and I started to message back and forth about his thoughts on it. Before long, M started to refer to things he had talked about in therapy with his counselor and how he is beginning to understand where some of his blocks in regards to G and I being intimate are coming from. Then, completely unexpectedly, M started to tell me some very personal things about his history, his childhood, traumatic experiences, and quite a lot of information about his therapy sessions that I would have never thought he would be open to discussing with me. It was very eye opening for me and helps me to be more understanding and compassionate when he finds himself in a tough spot. I guess I had been so hyper focused on the relationship between G and I that I had not noticed how strongly my friendship with M had been growing... He made it very clear that he does not trust men (as a rule) and that he is always afraid that any man he allows to be near him or his family will hurt or take advantage of them, even to the point that he has never allowed another man to be around G or his kids alone!! I had no idea how big of a deal this was for M and how incredible of a gift his consent has been up to this point. He even said that the only reason he has been open to any of this up to now has been because of me and his ability to feel trust towards me and know that I would never intentionally do anything to hurt G or his family. I have a very different view of M and his difficulties in this situation now.
It was a big day for the 3 of us. A lot of open discussion, honest sharing of thoughts and emotions, and some impactful revelations. We 3 are planning to sit down together in the near future and discuss our situation in more detail. I am cautiously optimistic about this conversation.
Thanks, guys! Spent a few hours with G and M last night, worked out, and just hung out for a little while. Felt totally comfortable and expressed my affection openly within the boundaries we have all agreed on. It felt very natural and was not awkward in the slightest. I think putting all of our fears, worries, and feelings of guilt out in the open has really helped to take the power away from them. That, coupled with the growing connection between M and I, is making me feel much more open to being myself around them and not worrying about how my actions might affect them. I just have to trust that M will speak up if something bothers him and continue to express myself honestly.
Open communication for the win
Open communication for the win
Good job!
M not "allowing" another man to ever be alone with his wife or kids is troubling to me. That is a huge level of distrust, and a huge compliance on her part to have made sure she is never alone with another guy!
I guess it is triggering to me since my ex husband had very low esteem and monitored my behavior with other men for 2 decades of our relationship, to the point of getting upset if I talked "too long" or about certain subjects with other guys at parties or get togethers. Heaven forbid I hugged someone not a relative, or danced with someone!
He never got over it, but I am glad M is working on that, for everyone's sake.
M not "allowing" another man to ever be alone with his wife or kids is troubling to me. That is a huge level of distrust, and a huge compliance on her part to have made sure she is never alone with another guy!
I guess it is triggering to me since my ex husband had very low esteem and monitored my behavior with other men for 2 decades of our relationship, to the point of getting upset if I talked "too long" or about certain subjects with other guys at parties or get togethers. Heaven forbid I hugged someone not a relative, or danced with someone!
He never got over it, but I am glad M is working on that, for everyone's sake.
I remember you and G went on an official date (as a couple) not too long ago ... and I assume that was just you and her together ... in which case M really is making progress. Keep us posted on other mile markers you pass along the way.
You are feeling significantly more comfortable in your dynamic with G and M and that is a mile marker right there.
You are feeling significantly more comfortable in your dynamic with G and M and that is a mile marker right there.
I think it has been "condoned and supported" for so long only because we have lived in a patriarchy for some 2800 years. It has been supported by force, and by the so called "Word of God" which was a series of books written by men who forced female power away by use of fists and weapons. The worse kind of social Darwinism-- men using their fists, arrows, swords and chariots, guns and cannon and horses, to hold women in their place, in fact own them, and mark their territory with serfs, knights and stone walls. Even executing their owned women when necessary.
Now that we have feminism, things are changing. Present day polyamory is backed by female power, and demands for and access to civil rights.
Had a second date with G last night! At the fair. And in line for a ride, she asked if I wanted to be her boyfriend She seemed really nervous about bringing it up and said she wasn't sure if I wanted to "be" anything specific. Obviously, I was ecstatic and accepted! So, it's official! Apparently, G was starting to get frustrated with referring to me as "this guy that I hang out with all the time" so she broached the subject with M and they hashed it out. He was resistant at first but eventually came around to the idea and agreed that would be the most logical thing to call me, as I am, in fact, her boyfriend. It may seem silly, but having that formal recognition and the term of endearment is a big step for me. I was smiling ear to ear the whole night.
Funny enough, she had a surprise destination for our date that I knew nothing about until we got there. It was the exact place I was planning to take her on our next date! There's a huge sling shot ride that you can see from the interstate and I've wanted to go on it for years and years, but never did. My wife is not the type of person to enjoy thrill-seeking adventures and such. But G has no reservations about taking on a little danger to get a rush. 400 feet into the air at a force of 5 G's! You even become weightless for a few seconds at the top! It was incredible, and I was so glad to have been able to do that with her. Definitely an unforgettable evening, on many levels.
We're still limited in our ability to express affection at this point, but I was perfectly content with the hand holding, hugging, kissing on the cheek and forehead, and so forth. There were a couple of moments where I wanted nothing more than to grab G and kiss her, but I held back. We are both very interested in fostering longevity here, and having M's trust is a huge part of that. It gets tough sometimes, but I think the steady progress we have made so far bodes well for our future.
Lots of talk about "next steps" lately. M has agreed to have a formal sit down discussion with G and I after April (timeline suggested by his therapist) to talk about any big changes that we want to make. But he and G are also creating a list of smaller, "baby" steps that could be taken in between the "big" ones. He tends to focus on the huge milestones, and freaks himself out by imagining scenarios that are still very far down the road. Hopefully this will help to give him a concrete idea of where we go from here...
She seemed really nervous about bringing it up and said she wasn't sure if I wanted to "be" anything specific. Obviously, I was ecstatic and accepted! So, it's official! Apparently, G was starting to get frustrated with referring to me as "this guy that I hang out with all the time" so she broached the subject with M and they hashed it out. He was resistant at first but eventually came around to the idea and agreed that would be the most logical thing to call me, as I am, in fact, her boyfriend. It may seem silly, but having that formal recognition and the term of endearment is a big step for me. I was smiling ear to ear the whole night. Funny enough, she had a surprise destination for our date that I knew nothing about until we got there. It was the exact place I was planning to take her on our next date! There's a huge sling shot ride that you can see from the interstate and I've wanted to go on it for years and years, but never did. My wife is not the type of person to enjoy thrill-seeking adventures and such. But G has no reservations about taking on a little danger to get a rush. 400 feet into the air at a force of 5 G's! You even become weightless for a few seconds at the top! It was incredible, and I was so glad to have been able to do that with her. Definitely an unforgettable evening, on many levels.
We're still limited in our ability to express affection at this point, but I was perfectly content with the hand holding, hugging, kissing on the cheek and forehead, and so forth. There were a couple of moments where I wanted nothing more than to grab G and kiss her, but I held back. We are both very interested in fostering longevity here, and having M's trust is a huge part of that. It gets tough sometimes, but I think the steady progress we have made so far bodes well for our future.
Lots of talk about "next steps" lately. M has agreed to have a formal sit down discussion with G and I after April (timeline suggested by his therapist) to talk about any big changes that we want to make. But he and G are also creating a list of smaller, "baby" steps that could be taken in between the "big" ones. He tends to focus on the huge milestones, and freaks himself out by imagining scenarios that are still very far down the road. Hopefully this will help to give him a concrete idea of where we go from here...
graviton
New member
omg I cringe at this guy. He was resistant to the term boyfriend? Did you guys get permission to use the bathroom during your date? After all, genitalia are involved and by using the bathroom she will know that you have a penis! Sorry for my snark. As always I wish you the best and fear for your and her heart being broken.
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Been a week since my last post. Lots to share.
First off, I learned that G happened upon this forum thread and read through my comments here... Was purely accidental and she couldn't stop reading after seeing enough to realize what it was (I doubt I could have, in her position). I had been using this forum as a sounding board, a place to gather my thoughts and get some feedback from folks who might have gone through similar experiences. Not that I wanted to keep any of this from her, I just thought it helpful to have a private place to talk about my experience. She confessed to me that she had seen it, and we talked a bit about what I had written. She knew most of it already, but some, obviously, was new. She was glad to see that I'm the same person in private that I am with her, no hidden agendas or manipulation.
And through that discussion, came the first "I love you."..... WOW! I had known I was in love with G for some time now, but I didn't expect to hear that from her yet. It was a wonderful moment, and I felt so validated, so happy, that none of the worry or stress mattered. I felt accepted and loved by this person who I am totally in love with!
So to recap, we went from "friends who clearly want to be more" to "boyfriend/girlfriend" to "in love", in the span of about a week. Whew!
Her husband, M, is supportive of us using those titles and has also been - surprisingly to me - supportive of our deepening feelings for each other. The physical boundaries still stand though, and are unchanged so far... This is proving to be more difficult for me as I feel like we have moved so far emotionally in the last week. It's getting harder for me to deny my feelings for G and to restrain myself from expressing them. Her touch is electric and I can't look at her without feeling a deep desire to be intimate.
M is continuing his counseling sessions and has set a milestone of "after April" - suggested by his therapist - for a revisiting of his comfort level and to set the boundaries of our ongoing relationship. He has been asking G what she wants to see change when this milestone arrives, which makes me hopeful that he will formally recognize our relationship and ease back a bit. Until then, I can only hope and be patient.
Thanks for all of your suggestions and feedback. I'm in awe of how this has all turned out. Love is truly a wonderful thing.
First off, I learned that G happened upon this forum thread and read through my comments here... Was purely accidental and she couldn't stop reading after seeing enough to realize what it was (I doubt I could have, in her position). I had been using this forum as a sounding board, a place to gather my thoughts and get some feedback from folks who might have gone through similar experiences. Not that I wanted to keep any of this from her, I just thought it helpful to have a private place to talk about my experience. She confessed to me that she had seen it, and we talked a bit about what I had written. She knew most of it already, but some, obviously, was new. She was glad to see that I'm the same person in private that I am with her, no hidden agendas or manipulation.
And through that discussion, came the first "I love you."..... WOW! I had known I was in love with G for some time now, but I didn't expect to hear that from her yet. It was a wonderful moment, and I felt so validated, so happy, that none of the worry or stress mattered. I felt accepted and loved by this person who I am totally in love with!
So to recap, we went from "friends who clearly want to be more" to "boyfriend/girlfriend" to "in love", in the span of about a week. Whew!
Her husband, M, is supportive of us using those titles and has also been - surprisingly to me - supportive of our deepening feelings for each other. The physical boundaries still stand though, and are unchanged so far... This is proving to be more difficult for me as I feel like we have moved so far emotionally in the last week. It's getting harder for me to deny my feelings for G and to restrain myself from expressing them. Her touch is electric and I can't look at her without feeling a deep desire to be intimate.
M is continuing his counseling sessions and has set a milestone of "after April" - suggested by his therapist - for a revisiting of his comfort level and to set the boundaries of our ongoing relationship. He has been asking G what she wants to see change when this milestone arrives, which makes me hopeful that he will formally recognize our relationship and ease back a bit. Until then, I can only hope and be patient.
Thanks for all of your suggestions and feedback. I'm in awe of how this has all turned out. Love is truly a wonderful thing.