Help need advice on love and new relationships
- Thread starter dragoste
- Start date
First, this is a good place to come for advice when you are thinking about polyamory. There are plenty of people on this forum with experience about poly and open relationships. Quoting your intro post here:
I have a few questions:
Are you engaged to a man or a woman? Fiancée is the female form of the word, yet you are talking about a possible pregnancy, so I take that your current partner is a man.
In your profile picture you look pretty young... in your 20's? How about your partner? How much of relationship experience do you two have?
Who came up with the idea of getting a gf to share and why? Since you are asking about jealousy management, it probably was your partner who suggested this.
My advice: do a lot of reading about polyamorous relationships. This forum is a great source of information. Do not even try to find anyone before knowing more about what forms a poly relationship can take and how you feel about those possibilities. Do not try to engage in a poly relationship to please someone else - do it only if you feel deep down that it is a right choice for you.
I have a few questions:
Are you engaged to a man or a woman? Fiancée is the female form of the word, yet you are talking about a possible pregnancy, so I take that your current partner is a man.
In your profile picture you look pretty young... in your 20's? How about your partner? How much of relationship experience do you two have?
Who came up with the idea of getting a gf to share and why? Since you are asking about jealousy management, it probably was your partner who suggested this.
My advice: do a lot of reading about polyamorous relationships. This forum is a great source of information. Do not even try to find anyone before knowing more about what forms a poly relationship can take and how you feel about those possibilities. Do not try to engage in a poly relationship to please someone else - do it only if you feel deep down that it is a right choice for you.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
You and your partner should gain some experience and develop regular self-reflection before you turn your sights toward inviting others into your relationship, as you've stated as your intention in your Introductions thread. And then, if you're both still dead set on this person being someone who doesn't want to get married, have kids or fall in love with anyone, do some deep self-reflection on what you are truly looking for.
IndieSolo
Active member
If you're afraid of "someone" falling in love, then poly is not for you - the whole idea of polyamory is to have multiple loving relationships.
Hi dragoste,
FWIW, I have some more links for dealing with jealousy:
Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.
Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management
Jealousy and the Poly Family
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability
Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
FWIW, I have some more links for dealing with jealousy:
Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.
Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management
Jealousy and the Poly Family
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability
Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
GreenAcres
New member
I am not a big one to rely on age as an indicator of the ability to make life altering decisions. I said at 10 years old I never wanted children, and have literally never once waivered in that feeling, despite being told that I would when I got older (I'm old enough now that people have, in the last couple of years, finally stopped telling me that!). I've liked both men and women since I had any idea what sexual feelings were (though I am more inclined, overall, to women). I believe there are certain things you know you want or don't want, and while keeping an open mind is good, you don't have to be 30 or 40 years old to know them.
So, if you know you are bi, and that you are poly, good for you! What I would definitely recommend, though, is that you and your partner do a lot of reading about opening your relationship before you do it. There are definitely better and worse ways to go about it, and learning from the mistakes of those who came before you is so much better than reinventing that painful wheel.
Another thing to consider is that it's a good idea to get some experience with dating separately before trying to date one person together. I know that idea is scary, but it's a really good idea. It'll help you both learn how to manage time, resources, jealousy, and other issues arise in a much simpler way than trying to date the same person. I know dating "as a unit" seems like it would be simpler, but it's really not (read this article, it'll go into a lot of great details about the type of relationship called a 'triad," which is what you are currently seeking). Dating seperately, you are also expanding your dating pool, and you may find someone who naturally and organically clicks with you both.
What made you guys decide to try out a poly lifestyle?
So, if you know you are bi, and that you are poly, good for you! What I would definitely recommend, though, is that you and your partner do a lot of reading about opening your relationship before you do it. There are definitely better and worse ways to go about it, and learning from the mistakes of those who came before you is so much better than reinventing that painful wheel.
Another thing to consider is that it's a good idea to get some experience with dating separately before trying to date one person together. I know that idea is scary, but it's a really good idea. It'll help you both learn how to manage time, resources, jealousy, and other issues arise in a much simpler way than trying to date the same person. I know dating "as a unit" seems like it would be simpler, but it's really not (read this article, it'll go into a lot of great details about the type of relationship called a 'triad," which is what you are currently seeking). Dating seperately, you are also expanding your dating pool, and you may find someone who naturally and organically clicks with you both.
What made you guys decide to try out a poly lifestyle?
dragoste
New member
Dating other people would not work for us though it is a good idea to learn about polamory. I am 20 and it was my idea to decide to get a gf though D supports me if I decide yay or nay on it. We are high school sweethearts and I am engaged to a man. I have jealously issues that I really do want to overcome to try and build a relationship with a live in gf and I am not opposed to love but rather I am afraid of *if we do get a gf* her wanting more than me or D is okay with. D is not opposed to marriage or children but I am.. because I am afraid there relationship will grow into something I am not comfortable with or the gf will love D but not me or the gf will behave differently when I not around. I would love to get past these issues I feel I can but am afraid I will be second in D's eyes and the gfs
GreenAcres
New member
Well, the chances of another person loving you both equally is about zero, so you aren't wrong to think that could happen. It most likely will be the case that one of you will be more emotionally involved than the other, and that may not be you and she. Or, it might be. That isn't the end of the world, but if it's not something you're open to, then poly isn't for you.
What you are looking for is called a "triad," and also sometimes called "unicorn hunting," because you are looking for some very specific things. Before you go any farther, you should read this article. Really, really read it. It'll help explain a lot of what can happen, and likely will happen, in the type or relationship you are looking for. Then, you can decide if you are open to that, how to best deal with what may come if you do still want to proceed, etc.
It also seems like you and your fiance may want, or be open to, different types of things. He is open to marrying and having children with someone else, but you are not open to that happening, and want to be "first" in his life. Before you go any further, you both need to figure out how to be on the same page with this.
Also, and no one likes to hear this, but it needs to be said: closed triads (meaning three people who are involved with each other, but with no one else) are notorious for ending really badly. Poly itself will shine a light on every single crack, insecurity, or problem in a relationship, but triads will do it in a really crazy and special way that can leave a lot of people very hurt. I am not saying triads never work, but they rarely work when they're sought after specifically. Which is why you'll see a lot of advice here is to date separately, and see what happens--triads that form organically and naturally have a better chance at working and not ending in fairly horrible ways.
In terms of GalaGirls question, you should try to be more specific. "Emotions" and "attention" are very vague, and your partner(s) can't mind-read. It's also a bad idea to try and legislate emotions. So, if what you mean is your fiance has to "love you more," or something like that, poly is probably not for you. Emotions don't work like that, and trying to force them to can destroy relationships. As far as actions, what actions? Maybe something like you need to spend a certain amount of time alone with together with him, to help keep your relationship growing? Or, maybe you need physical reassurance such as hand holding and snuggling? Or, maybe you would like to make sure you and the new girlfriend have a certain amount of alone time to build your relationship?
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I am going to guess some things and then ask some questions in the hope that it helps you clarify your thoughts. Maybe it helps you figure out some of that jealousy / envy thing? To me...
"Jealousy" is when you have something and fear losing it.
"Envy" is when you see someone else having something and you covet it for yourself.
You correct me if I guess wrong, ok?
What is the purpose of opening up at this time? What is the purpose of the triad model? Do any other open models appeal?
I read a lot about what you fear in opening up but not what you seek in opening up. What are you hoping to get out of it?
How long do you plan to be engaged/have you been engaged? Are you enrolled in premarital class online, at the county extension office, or place of worship? Has the engagement time covered the issues of married life and come to a successful conclusion?
To me engagement is serious contemplation and a successful engagement period ends in two ways.
If you are thinking about exploring polyamory, I would strongly suggest a LONG engagement. Because taking on two major life changes like that at once ("opening up" and "marriage") is a lot of stress. We cannot always help what happens in life, but for the stuff we CAN plan out I think it is better to spread them out and not to pile one thing on top of another.
If you cannot articulate what you fear and why? If you cannot ask for specific behaviors they could do to help you? I'm not sure how you can solve your jealousy issues so they are minimal pings rather than huge ones. People cannot mind reader you.
I strongly suggest you read these links and think about your core beliefs and your fears. A lot of what you fear seems to revolve around intrusion, demotion, etc to me.
Poly Hell
Unmasking the Green Eyes Monster: Managing Jealousy in Open Relationships.
Maybe they help you articulate what you feel so you can talk it over with D. Then with whatever potential GF if you do decide to go there. You need to be able to ask for the behaviors you would like from your partner(s).
Galagirl
"Jealousy" is when you have something and fear losing it.
"Envy" is when you see someone else having something and you covet it for yourself.
You correct me if I guess wrong, ok?
WANT
I am 20.
I am engaged to a man.
I want to open up.
I want us both to date the same woman.
D is not opposed to marriage or children. I am. (Does that mean you don't want to date a married GF or a GF who has kids? Or that you don't want D to marry her or have kids with her?)
FEARS
I want to overcome my jealousy issues. They stem from my thoughts. I am also overthinking.
I am 20.
I am engaged to a man.
I want to open up.
I want us both to date the same woman.
D is not opposed to marriage or children. I am. (Does that mean you don't want to date a married GF or a GF who has kids? Or that you don't want D to marry her or have kids with her?)
FEARS
I want to overcome my jealousy issues. They stem from my thoughts. I am also overthinking.
- I think the GF might want more than me or D is okay with. This makes me feel afraid. (Are you each able to so "No, thank you. I do not want that" assertively? )
- I think the GF will love D but not me. This makes me feel afraid. (It is possible the GF will love D but not you. It is possible the GF will love you but not D. How comfortable are you dating NOT as a trio/triad?)
- I think the GF will behave differently when I not around. This makes me feel afraid. (In what way? Different than what? Are you able to ask if she is willing to stop/start behaving like X so you can feel more comfortable?)
- I think I will be second in D's eyes and the GF. This makes me feel afraid. (In what way? That you are "less than" or treated like X? Something else? What behaviors do you need from partner(s) in order to feel safe enough?)
What is the purpose of opening up at this time? What is the purpose of the triad model? Do any other open models appeal?
I read a lot about what you fear in opening up but not what you seek in opening up. What are you hoping to get out of it?
How long do you plan to be engaged/have you been engaged? Are you enrolled in premarital class online, at the county extension office, or place of worship? Has the engagement time covered the issues of married life and come to a successful conclusion?
To me engagement is serious contemplation and a successful engagement period ends in two ways.
- The people find out that they are NOT compatible for marriage. They end the engagement and agree not to marry. They spare themselves wedding expenses and a bad marriage.
- The people find out that they are compatible for marriage. They end the engagement. They agree to marry and move on to planning their wedding and hopefully have a good marriage.
If you are thinking about exploring polyamory, I would strongly suggest a LONG engagement. Because taking on two major life changes like that at once ("opening up" and "marriage") is a lot of stress. We cannot always help what happens in life, but for the stuff we CAN plan out I think it is better to spread them out and not to pile one thing on top of another.
If you cannot articulate what you fear and why? If you cannot ask for specific behaviors they could do to help you? I'm not sure how you can solve your jealousy issues so they are minimal pings rather than huge ones. People cannot mind reader you.
I strongly suggest you read these links and think about your core beliefs and your fears. A lot of what you fear seems to revolve around intrusion, demotion, etc to me.
Poly Hell
Unmasking the Green Eyes Monster: Managing Jealousy in Open Relationships.
Maybe they help you articulate what you feel so you can talk it over with D. Then with whatever potential GF if you do decide to go there. You need to be able to ask for the behaviors you would like from your partner(s).
Galagirl
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The biggest thing that helped me wrap my head around my fear that my partner would fall for someone more than me, was actually going out and experiencing relationships with others without my partner. Once I saw and felt and experienced how ridiculous it would be for *me* to 'lose' the feelings I had for my existing partner when dating someone else, the more I realised how ridiculous my partner loving someone else would result in them falling out of love with me. It sounds counterintuitive, but the previous posters are right: dating someone together is way more triggering and scary than dating as individuals. Imagine suddenly being achingly jealous of the person you love, because new person clearly hits it off a bit better with him than you. Yeah, been there. Not so fun.
If dating as individuals is not an option as you say, really think about why that is. Because it will reveal a lot about where you need to work on yourself. If you feel like you are not ready to see your partner receiving 'more' than you, more affection, more of an attachment, more sex, then you need to work on your own self-esteem before jumping into polyamory. Seriously. This new gf shouldn't exist to increase your confidence and esteem. If you are confident and secure in yourself, you are going to thrive in an open relationship. If those areas are weak, if this is where your jealousy stems from, having that jealousy directed toward your partner on two fronts (through dating the same girl: jealous of him, jealous of her) it's going to crash and burn real fast.
If dating as individuals is not an option as you say, really think about why that is. Because it will reveal a lot about where you need to work on yourself. If you feel like you are not ready to see your partner receiving 'more' than you, more affection, more of an attachment, more sex, then you need to work on your own self-esteem before jumping into polyamory. Seriously. This new gf shouldn't exist to increase your confidence and esteem. If you are confident and secure in yourself, you are going to thrive in an open relationship. If those areas are weak, if this is where your jealousy stems from, having that jealousy directed toward your partner on two fronts (through dating the same girl: jealous of him, jealous of her) it's going to crash and burn real fast.