Need help/advice/support!

D

Dash

New member
Hi,

My partner and I have recently embarked on a transition from DADT to full poly and there have been a lot of ups and downs! The reason for the change is because he was recently working interstate for a short time and met a woman who he fell in love with and wanted to keep seeing her. Therefore, I have found the transition more difficult due to the 'bombshell' factor and the fast pace at which our relationship has changed since then.

Our relationship is very good on all counts and I am trying to embrace poly. However, last weekend he went back to visit her for the first time and I found I really struggled with this. I kept imagining all the loving interactions they were having and feeling quite alone and left out. Despite the fact that poly makes sense to me logically, much more so than mono, I am struggling with emotions which make me feel like this is all wrong - jealousy, envy, anger, rejection, fear, competitiveness. I know this is not rational and I have read a lot of literature on dealing with negative emotions in a poly relationship but it is really hard to get a grip when you're in the thick of it. I think that Disney and romcoms have poisoned my brain and ruined my life! :p I have thought about ending the relationship and finding a mono partner but it's like I've taken the red pill and come out of the matrix, it's cold and dark and scary out here in the real world (poly) but I can't go back into the matrix (mono) because I know it's not real - perhaps I've stretched the metaphor too far!

Anyway, I am really looking for support/advice on how to deal with all this. Hopefully someone can tell me that it gets better/easier because at the moment I just feel trapped. I am generally a nice person so I want to be considerate of the other woman's needs and feelings but, at the same time, I'm struggling with the fact that I have to accept another person in my relationship who I didn't choose. :( We are making plans to meet without the hinge present so hopefully this will help.

I am trying to get out there myself and meet more people and this is going well so far but I am scared that I might be mono at heart, that I am not capable of loving more than one person in that way. Any mono people out there who have experience dating poly people, I would really love to hear from you in particular.

Sorry for the long post, just needed to put this out there so that I can try and focus on my day!
 
Hi Dash,

Sorry I'm not in a poly/mono scenario, however I believe almost everyone is a little monogamous at heart. That is, one's inclinations exist along a continuum, with poly and mono at the extreme ends. Most all of us can stand some monogamous living, even if we're mostly polyamorous at heart. So it's not a surprise that you're feeling somewhat torn between the poly/mono poles.

Your Matrix analogy was actually very good; you now know about polyamory, and once you know about it, you can't unknow that.

It's hopeful that things will get easier for you over time, but there's some work that you must do. First, you must figure out what your needs are, and discuss with your partner how to meet those needs. (If his involvement with the other woman is causing you to go with some of your needs unmet, then that's a problem all by itself.) Next, you need to find more ways to occupy your me time ... which you are working on ... and finally, you need an outlet where you can journal and express your feelings ... Polyamory.com can help you with that.

But even if you do all the work, it's a gradual process. You have to be patient, and work through the pain. And believe in yourself. You can do this.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks Kevin T! I'm working on all the things you mentioned and it's definitely hard (for all involved I think!).

I like what you said about the continuum, makes me feel better to know that I don't necessarily need to be one or the other but a combination of both. Have to also deal with some severe self-esteem issues that make me doubt that I can ever find someone else who will love me, especially as I already have a partner. Illogical, I know, given that there are billions of people in the world but my mind goes to dark places when I'm upset.

I'm hopeful this will all feel better with time, like you said, and am willing to put in the work as this is definitely not a relationship I want to give up on.

Thanks for the support, it is a huge help! :)
 
I am sorry you struggle.

What is the "bombshell factor?" Could some of the stuff you are reprocessing be from that and not polyamory?

What made DADT workable for you in the past? What need was that meeting?
Could the needs be met another way now?

What are your needs if you had to circle them off this sheet?

https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

What behaviors could you ask for to help meet those needs?

Galagirl
 
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As far as finding someone else who will love you, I think your best bet is just getting out, doing things you enjoy, and being yourself. They say the most likely time to find someone is when you're not looking!

On the other hand, I can list some links of dating sites and lists of local poly groups if that would help. Let me know!

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Galagirl,

The 'bombshell' factor is me referring to the fact that his falling in love with someone was quite sudden and not within the parameters of our relationship at the time. Therefore, the transition to poly has happened quite quickly and I am really struggling to deal with it. We have had a discussion just recently and agreed to, if not stop, at least pause and get time to deal with the relationship changes that have already happened before making any more (as far as that's possible, obviously).

We are also talking regularly about my needs and how we can make sure they are met, thank-you for that link I am finding it quite helpful/interesting. He has said that he us perfectly happy at the moment so I shouldn't worry about him and just focus on myself for now, and he will do the same. He really is an awesome person and very committed to making me happy. We've talked about, when he is spending time with his other love, making sure that he is still in contact with me. Our habit is to talk/text every day and 'going dark' for a few days at a time just makes it harder for me to deal with the fact that he is with someone else.

I think DADT, while a good way to transition to poly, was no longer workable for us as, long term, it can allow you to stick your head in the sand an basically be in denial about the fact that you are in an open relationship. It was fine for a while but I wouldn't want to go back to that now. Rather than ignoring it, I would like to step out of my comfort zone (check!) and try to work through my issues and have a truly open relationship.

My biggest struggle is with how fast he seems to have moved to saying 'I love you to her', within a few months, whereas in our relationship that took years. I find it really jarring and it makes me feel like they are moving too fast and I can't adjust. Obviously part of this could be NRE but, still, it is very hard to stomach.
 
All's I can tell you about that is that every relationship is different, and has its own timetable for various things. Maybe "I love you" came up fast for this new relationship, but maybe other things will come up slowly. You don't want to do a lot of comparing between what you get and what your metamour gets. That can drive you crazy!
 
Yep, I am trying not to compare as it seems to make things worse! Will keep working on that.

Do you know any good poly groups in Melbourne, Australia? I know the site is US-based.
 
Poly is not some elevated enlightened way of living and you should not feel ashamed for not embracing it emotionally. Having sex with another women without your approval or knowledge is cheating. It is a betrayal of marriage vows and trust. I used to be away on business overseas for at least a third of every year and never cheated, so it is not inevitable or fair if you have not agreed to it beforehand. You are not the problem, he is.

Do not feel ashamed of your emotions. Emotions are not rational so do not think there is something wrong with you for having them. What your husband did was cheat on you and then convince you to let him continue to see the woman. Many times the wife agrees to it and even convinces herself that it is the way things should be, when actually she agrees out of fear of losing their husbands to another woman. Having sex with someone and then telling you wife about it after the fact is not the makings of a lasting poly relationship. In fact, it is a very poor way to start since trust was broken and therefore difficult for you to trust him now.

You may think I am against poly relationships but that is not the case. My wife and I shared the same married girlfriend for almost 40 years. It lasted that long because I did not bang her girlfriend and then go home feeling guilty about it and give it a fancy name to convince my wife to accept it. It was something we both wanted with a woman we both had strong emotional bonds with. Our emotions led us to a poly lifestyle, not our rational brain. Rationally I am in favor of monogamy. Perhaps that is why we had a polyfidelity relationship. I would be jealous and angry if my wife had a lover that I also did not love and she feels the same about me. Rationally that should not be a problem given the fact that we both know we can love another and not have it affect our feelings for each other and yet emotionally it is a problem, so we did not do that.

We had friends where the husband had an affair and the wife agreed to let him continue it. He started meeting his girlfriend behind her back because she felt that he was too into his girlfriend and not much into her. So she started an affair with her boss and they got divorced.
 
Hi Dash,

Try googling "Melbourne polyamory" and see if any groups pop up. But in addition you may find the following links helpful:

One wouldn't think of FetLife when searching for poly groups, but actually FetLife is a very good place for that ... even for poly groups that are mostly vanilla. It has a really good search engine. You do have to register as a member to use it though.

Facebook, FetLife, Google ... all have similar search inputs so you would type "Melbourne polyamory" for all three.

Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Len,

I totally see where you are coming from but I feel that you have misunderstood our relationship. We are not married, although that's beside the point.

We have been in an open, DADT relationship for 9 years, since we started seeing each other. We discussed it often, even before anything happened, and agreed to it mutually. I am not ashamed of my feelings and my partner is not trying to suppress them. He did not cheat on me in that we did have an agreement that both of us could go out and be with other people and that we did not want to know about it.

The reason i am struggling now is because I have decided that I want to be fully open and DADT had got stale and was no longer feasible if we wanted our relationship to grow and have a future. However, opening the relationship has lead me to be confronted with things I did not have to know about before (and this is also the case for my partner with regard to my past sexual activity which he recently found out about).
 
For the record, Dash, I think you and your partner are both doing just fine. We all have struggles in life and the whole point of Polyamory.com is to help you transition into (a) poly relationship/s.
 
kdt26417 said:
For the record, Dash, I think you and your partner are both doing just fine. We all have struggles in life and the whole point of Polyamory.com is to help you transition into (a) poly relationship/s.
Click to expand...

Ditto.

I can appreciate everything in your post above, Dash. Many of us are here because we want to better embrace both freedom and honesty - not easy. That's what this community is all about.
 
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Thanks for clarifying. Let me repeat back what I understand so I know I got it right, ok? You correct me if I am wrong anywhere.

  • You and BF have been dating for 9 years.
  • You practiced an open relationship model with DADT.
  • You decided DADT no longer works for you. It has gotten stale, and does not allow you both to grow closer.
  • You learned that recently he's said "I love you" to one of his other partners after a few months of dating.
  • You compare it to your own relationship with him. It took years for "I love you to happen."
    • You seem to envy the other partner. (Wishing your experience with "I love you with him" was more like her experience of it?)


What I see here is three things.

1) You have this "compare" thing going on that results in some envy.

Could it be possible that the relationship he shares with you changed him? So he is now more comfortable loving and expressing love? :confused:
Maybe your need is to be understood, and you want to express your envy? Just to let it out so you can let it go?

Does any of this help with jealousy or envy? Page 5 & 6 stuff?

2) You have a new "information management" transition going on. Boundaries are having to be adjusted.

Before it was a DADT WALL. Zero info. Now you have to figure out how much info is enough, and how much info is just TMI. It cannot be like a wide open door with zero boundaries. It needs to be more like a latched garden gate. Sometimes it can be opened, and sometimes it can be closed. But it isn't locked and it is not a stone wall either.

Maybe these could help you.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Safe_Enough_and_Free_Enough.pdf

http://openingup.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Self-Evaluation-OU.pdf

http://openingup.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Creating-Authentic-Relationships-OU.pdf

http://openingup.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Self-Evaluation-OU.pdf

You could replace "monogamy" in them to "DADT." So instead of "Monogamy vs polyamory" it becomes "Open with DADT" and "Open without DADT" to help you sort out your thoughts.

Maybe they can help you to determine

  • "This kind of stuff I want to know about. Please let me know straight up"
  • "This kind of stuff I do not want to know about. Please do not tell me."
  • "This kind of stuff falls in the Discernment bucket. We'd have to talk and figure it out case by case where it goes."

In doing that work you will probably get to know yourselves and each other more.

3) Communication styles: talking, listening and metacommunicating

I have found the transition more difficult due to the 'bombshell' factor and the fast pace at which our relationship has changed since then.
Click to expand...

However, opening the relationship has lead me to be confronted with things I did not have to know about before (and this is also the case for my partner with regard to my past sexual activity which he recently found out about).
Click to expand...

It is interesting to me that you use the words like "bombshell factor" and "lead me to be confronted" like this new information is "attacking you." You express it like you are trying to "stiff arm" it away from you. Why not "From observation, I became aware that..." or "he let me know that..." or "He wanted to make me aware that..." words? Your descriptions of your BF sound like he's trying and he's not an "attacky" person.

Is the problem more subtle?

Does his communication style leave something to be desired?
  • He brings things up right before bedtime because it's the time of day he has you to himself but then you lay awake all night?
  • Does he express himself all excited, rather than talk calmly?
  • Does he BLURT whatever as soon as it pops into his head rather than asking if you are willing to have a deep conversation on X time/date?

Does your listening style leave something to be desired?
  • You take things personally and compare?
  • Are you scanning his message for "attack things" rather than listening to the content to figure out what he means?
  • Could how you label things to yourself be making the transition worse? (Ex: "confronted by" vs "made aware")

Do either emotionally flood?

And all this stuff combined has you standing "on guard" all the time? And you cannot relax?

Are you guys able to talk about HOW you guys talk? The metacommunication?

When I talk to my spouse about something we have to solve, we leave that conversation with a time set later for the metacommunication.
Like "How did the talk go? How can we make that kind of talk go better next time? What worked? What did not?"

I get that it can feel weird when the "old normal" is gone and the "new normal" hasn't arrived yet. The in between space of transition can feel shaky. You guys have been together NINE YEARS. That sounds pretty committed to me. Can you take comfort in that while in transition space?

What's the fear coming from? I'm not getting a vibe that things are horrible or in deep trouble here. It just sounds like an new adjustment time and weathering it out. Emotions are emotions. Some are fun to feel like sunny skies. Some are not so fun like stormy weather. But they all pass if we let them blow on through.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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Thank-you so much for your message galagirl! I am still having trouble but it certainly gave me a jumping off point for working on it further with my partner, might even read it again with him.

I an really trying hard to get my head around all this and your leading questions and new perspectives have made me much more hopeful.
 
Hi Dash,

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't consider this kind of relationship to be really poly. In any case you should concentrate on something besides your husband. Life is wonderful and full of fascinating things. Try to learn to feel life and not to attach yourself to any object. If you're attached to something (or somebody) it always hurts.
 
JimJane said:
...I don't consider this kind of relationship to be really poly.
Click to expand...

:confused:

What's not poly about an until-very-recently monogamous woman expressing the desire to open her heart to include this woman and this other relationship in her world? She's having a hard time, understandably, and is asking for help especially from mono people who might have been through this. Poly just means open and honest, not that everything is smooth sailing.

Dash said:
.... I want to be considerate of the other woman's needs and feelings but, at the same time, I'm struggling with the fact that I have to accept another person in my relationship who I didn't choose. :( We are making plans to meet without the hinge present so hopefully this will help.
Click to expand...
 
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