we're new here and asking for your insite

When I've said either we or I that is exactly what I've meant. There is no need to attempt to dissect that any further. They have had ample time together and I don't begrudge them that. That being said I've been left out and it's really that simple. My offers may have come across as over stated but honestly it's been twice and a week apart. And that was Tuesdays, which could now be Thursdays.

Maybe more to come in a bit.
 
I'm not trying to dissect things. Thank you for the patience though. It's been a very challenging thread for me to read. Now that I know it's the husband in the couple using this handle that helps me some... but it still is going to take me some time to get clear.

Let me repeat that back so I know I got it. You correct me if I am wrong.

At this point in time, you are dealing with "feeling left out" kinds of feelings then? In addition to frustration with responsiveness? And not knowing where things stand/how you all want to be together? :confused:

What is your desired outcome?

Galagirl
 
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Since I'm neither Cher nor the Doctor I guess I can't turn back time and make it right. But, what I'd like, and K too, is to at the very least be able to maintain our family friendship which also includes our children. Whether sex is or isn't am option does not matter to K and I at this time. Its never been a deal breaker for us.
 
Absolutely, hense all the tension and frustration. There's so much going on with her right now and I'm sure she's trying to wrap her mind around everything. K and I had some real serious issues early on because, as I'm sure many women have experienced, she was not treated with the respect that I was giving her before and didn't know how to handle that. So she, K, "stepped out" on me and found someone that treated her like shit and then realized what she almost lost. Our feeling is that gf S is going through much the same sort of thing. We treat her with respect and have let her know many times that we will always want to friends first.

As an update, S invited K over while I was at work but then decided to come over for a visit. It was apparently emotional and civil and promising. I believe she said something to the effect of not wanting to lose us. So that's a good thing. She has her daughter this weekend so we'll see what goes on.
 
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WeWerentHunting said:
D -

Kevin, I seriously doubt that gf has her daughter on a Sunday since the kids were on spring break last week on go back to school today. So that leaves two other possibilities, either the ex was over again (he just keeps coming over and gf let's him in) or she's upset with us for some odd reason or other. Her admitted pattern and way to maintain control is to withdraw when things get uncomfortable. I wonder how shed react if we just showed up at her door unannounced?

Bunnielight, as the love and rockets song went "no new tale to tell." This has been the pattern we've been dealing with. Gf isnupset with "ex" because he ignores her to stay up all night playing on her paid online RPG account as its convenient to him but then ignores her on his days off. He treats her home as a flop house while leaving his dobie bitch behind when he goes to work, leaving behind a wake of stress and destruction. All the while she's ignoring us on days we could spend together and complaining about wanting more in her life and being lonely. "Why do you keep letting him back in?" Gf, "Sometimes I just get so lonely." *CALL US, SILLY* lol, not

D -
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I've been with people like that, who keep going back to their ex's and it never ends well. They have gotten themselves into a pattern as others have said in this thread.

From the sounds of it you two could rescue her over and over, but she will still end up running back to the ex again and again, and you both will never know for sure WHAT is going on and that makes for way too much stress!

IF i'm reading this correctly, it sounds like you two are more of an emergency get away when things get bad with her ex and thats pretty shaky ground to start a triad. I'd suggest taking a step back and watch what she does.
 
I agree, BadFairy.

As ever, I am concerned about the lack of communication on the girlfriend's end. If it only happened once or twice a year that wouldn't be so bad. But I get the impression it's happening most of the time.

WeWerentHunting, I wonder if she's taking advantage of your sincere affection for her? as a stopgap to help enable her dysfunctional (but familiar thus comfortable) relationship with her ex? Not that I'm happy to suggest it, but.
 
Kevin, that is certainly of our concern too.
Things here are awfully stressful right now.
We are at gf's after a brief family mall outing that was cut shortish by her daughter's father, who's coming to pick her back up.

Gf had given K a computer to be able to do online work. Said computer was taken away a week ago under the guise of gf's computer being damaged. Come to find out that it was a ploy to make me get a job, it's not like I wasn't looking. Yeah that made me feel really good considering that we had to gently push clarification on what was meant when the offer of "you guys" to visit. Which incidentally did not include me as "I and daughter are not relaxed" around D right now. Well guess what sweetheart? I'm not so comfortable or relaxed around you right now either.

Anyway, I did try to mention the out of state job offer. She did seem, I wouldn't say indifferent about it, but did seem to have a look of understanding when I said I didn't feel like now was a good time to leave.

Thanks for the kind words and support. I'm not ready to give up.
 
Possibly your girlfriend is trying to divide the D/K package and just have a relationship with K (not with D)? If you found out that was the case, how would you feel about it?
 
Really, honestly that's been a concern of both of ours. And yes I know how that sounds. Earlier it was quite uncomfortable. How do I act? How am I being perceived? Etc

S's daughter C is gone with her father. Our son T is playing on an iPad and S, K and I (D) are chilling on he couch.

I did tell S that I didn't take that job because I didn't want to leave her. That seemed well received, even if it was delivered in an unsure and solumn manner. I followed up by saying that we did want to discuss that with her. She seemed touched.
 
Possibly, then, S is not yet sure what she wants. She is still in the process of deciding. Do you trust her to be sincere? What if there's something she could tell you but chooses not to? She does seem to withhold communication as a means of exerting control over things.
 
WeWerentHunting said:
Really, honestly that's been a concern of both of ours. And yes I know how that sounds. Earlier it was quite uncomfortable. How do I act? How am I being perceived? Etc
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When you say that it's a concern of both of yours, do you mean that she is only interested in your wife, and that would be a problem?

If that is accurate, have you told her that would be a problem, or given her a clear indication that you are a package deal?
 
I'm going to offer up a slightly different perspective that may or may not be useful to you. I hope it is.

When you say you let S know that you didn't take up a job offer because you didn't want to leave her, that would feel like an AWFUL lot of pressure to me, if I were S. You three aren't dating yet, you've made the offer (I assume?), and she has given minimal evidence to suggest she's interested in more than friendship right now (and perhaps not even interest in dating you, perhaps just K). I wonder if she is feeling especially pressured to date both of you as a triad and that you and K are revolving quite a bit of your lives around her. I know how badly you want to help her and how lovely the idea of a triad might be with the three of you, but it feels, in my humble opinion, like you're jumping in head first with someone who has just started thinking about dating both of you.

I could be completely wrong, since I'm only basing it off of the posts you've made and there's plenty that I'm sure is happening that I'm unaware of. Just wanted to throw out another interpretation, especially since S isn't communicating that openly with you and K and we're left to guess what's going on for her. And especially given the context of the recent computer incident and her trying to get you to find a job (whatever that might be about??).

I'd also be interested in GreenAcres question about how it might feel if S IS interested in just dating K and not you. And if you have told her this is not an option for you and K at this point.
 
Re (from GreenAcres):
"If that is accurate, have you told her that would be a problem, or given her a clear indication that you are a package deal?"
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And if you have ... does she believe it ...
 
reflections said:
I'm going to offer up a slightly different perspective that may or may not be useful to you. I hope it is.

When you say you let S know that you didn't take up a job offer because you didn't want to leave her, that would feel like an AWFUL lot of pressure to me, if I were S. You three aren't dating yet, you've made the offer (I assume?), and she has given minimal evidence to suggest she's interested in more than friendship right now (and perhaps not even interest in dating you, perhaps just K). I wonder if she is feeling especially pressured to date both of you as a triad and that you and K are revolving quite a bit of your lives around her. I know how badly you want to help her and how lovely the idea of a triad might be with the three of you, but it feels, in my humble opinion, like you're jumping in head first with someone who has just started thinking about dating both of you.
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I had a similar thought. It would absolutely freak me out if I was the potential GF. Way to much pressure, way too fast, way to commitment-centric for someone I am not even really dating. Of course, I am not her, and I respect that she may feel differently. But, if she's generally conflict-avoidant, she truly may have not known how to respond with her feelings.
 
@ reflections ... it's true that S could be acting under a certain amount of (unintended) pressure to mold herself to the expectations. I mean if she's been friends with K for a long time ... and (she believes that) K doesn't want her to separate the D/K package ... she wouldn't want to disappoint K.

We need a crystal ball so we can read S's mind. :(
 
Good questions and points all. And thanks again for being positive and inquisitive.

In the earliest conversations of S and K's reaquantaince K had made clear that she has found a wonderful man who's been taking good care of her over the years and that K would not do anything that would hurt me again. So, I guess you could say that as K put it "we are a package deal" sexually, but not in our friendship. So yes, it would hurt if S only wanted to date K but, that won't be happening.

I can certainly understand that it could feel like pressure that I/we wanted to include S in the job decision and I still felt it was very important to bring it up. As well as the reason why I didn't take it. I hope that she understood that my not wanting to leave her behind right now was because of our friendship above all else. I didn't feel like it would be holding up my promise to her that I would be here for her if I wasnt here and couldn't come back for so long. She did seem to understand.

Conflict avoidance is also a real thing with S as is evident by her hiding away. There was tension between her and her daughter at the mall over the usual money related stuff that you would expect between a child and noncustodial parent. K was able to slide in and defuse the situation a little and found out that a little more about C's father's spending habits. For me, if I was included, I would've taken the clothes back and bought C the shoes she maybe needed more. But I was just along for the ride. And the tension disappaited after C left with her father so things became more relaxed and we were able to speak a little more freely.

Back to the computer and job motivation thing. I had already resolved myself to having to take a job at the car wash where I was working before the bicycle shop when the computer was taken away. My plan for the day, before it was disrupted was to go there and get paperwork started so I could begin on Monday. But we had to drop everything and rearrange my schedule to accommodate her desire under the false pretense of a dead laptop. This meant that S's perception will be that she motivated me to get a job.

As far as the job goes, I was once one of the higher ups in responsibilities and pay. Now I'm starting over and won't see any raise for 90 days. I've taken a $2/hr cut in pay from the bicycle shop when I was hoping to slip into another similar position that didn't materialize. At the same time its better than being depressed on unemployment. I'm riding my bike to work (something I enjoy), working with some good people, motivating some younger employees and finding the motivation to do more riding again. (I could've been working a month ago if I wanted to freeze my ass off, NOT FUN)

I think I've covered e erything I saw except for Kevin.
Yes, I think a crystal ball would be helpful. The tarot has been of some comfort though.
 
Re:
"I guess you could say that as K put it 'we are a package deal' sexually, but not in our friendship."
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Then, I take it that S could be just K's friend but not necessarily D's friend? Not saying that's what'll happen, just seeking clarification.
 
Absolutely.

K has had many friends, as I have, that weren't "required" to be friends with the other. We've each been supportive of each others friends. Well mostly, K has had some unhealthy friendships (by her own admission) that didn't meet my approval. Only twice in 15 years have we had to agree that K terminate the most unhealthy of these relationships.

Most of my friends have been male, bicycling related and/or open and kind to K. So in that aspect we've been fortunate. However when I think about, that may be a different dynamic to consider. Male friendship vs female friendships.

For the short answer, as long as its a healthy friendship it doesn't have to involve me. I do think I should expect a certain amount of civility none the less.
 
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