New to this in Anchorage

T

triadNewbie

New member
Hello!

A little about me-- I'm 28, I attend school full time while working full time. I'm new to this aspect of my personality. I'm interested in committed triads, specifically 1 male and 2 females. This is something I've never explored, but I've been feeling drawn towards it as I grow older. I enjoy lots of hobbies, and my list grows ever longer almost weekly. I crave new experiences and seeing new places. I love to travel and have adventures, even if it's simply going to a new restaurant.

I would greatly appreciate any advice or guidance in forming a triad. Right now I'm single and looking.
 
Greetings triadNewbie,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

There's a new thread regarding triads and advice about them: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=292662#post292662

Sadly, I don't know of any quick or easy way to form a triad. I think it is a slow process of dating and meeting new people. One thing that can help is if you can find a local poly group in your area; try googling "Anchorage polyamory" and see if anything comes up. Also a poly-friendly dating site can help; some people have good success on OKCupid.

The MFF triad configuration is very popular so you'll probably have to "wait in line" and be patient. This might take awhile.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
I have looked into the local meetup group. It gave off strong vibes of being a group for married couples from my parents' generation looking to spice up their marriages, which is not something I'm even remotely interested in. I will take a look at the "ask a triad" thread though, thanks.
 
The local group (at least as of a year or so ago) was a pretty hefty mix of ages from early 20s-60s and primarily unmarried or solo polys.

When it originally began almost 5 years ago, I was one of the organizers. I am no longer involved, but I can say there is a large group of poly people in our area (I live in Wasilla and attend UAA 3/4 time).
 
@ triadNewbie ... have you tried any (poly-friendly) dating sites?
 
I can't offer advice on where to find one. We were a V that grew into a triad. But I can offer advice on ways things we have done that have helped us grow and stay together.

@kdt26417 - thanks for sharing the link.

Please, guys, feel free to ask whatever. We've done things right for us and things that went horribly wrong. It's a learning experience.
 
Welcome!

Can I ask why you've gravitated towards a FFM triad? Why not just date people you like, develop relationships, and go from there? There are a very limited number of poly women who are also bi, so it could take a very long time to find one who wants to date you and vice-versa, let alone two (and, because of where you live, you're working with a very small pool to begin with). Add that to the unlikelihood that all three of you will "click" and have chemistry, etc., and your odds are pretty slim. The successful triads I've seen, and been in, formed naturally. People just date who they like as single relationships. If two metamours gel and a triad forms, then great! If not, you're still dating people you really like, right?

The overall advice in poly is to date individuals, and allow things to develop organically, as they would in any relationship, without expectations of a specific configuration, or an agenda to form one.

That doesn't mean you can't dream, of course, and there's nothing wrong with hoping for a configuration you would find desirable. Many men think they want a triad, and find out that it's not at all what they'd thought it would be, and quickly determine it's not for them. This happened in the past with one of my male partners!
 
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I have looked at and joined a poly dating site. Thanks.

As far as being drawn towards FFM relationship, I can't really explain it. It's not a sex thing. While sex is a plus, it is not what I am looking for. And yes, it is very difficult in Alaska to even find women interested in dating at all, let alone poly. Women pretty much have their pick of the litter up here. I'll just have to keep trudging on as always and see what happens, I guess.
 
Welcome triadNewbie.

I have to second that the best way to form a triad is organically. Date individuals, don't just look for two hot bi babes at once. It's hard enough finding one person to love!

I have found poly lovers, or poly-friendly lovers, on a free dating site called OK Cupid. Write a good profile, mentioning polyamory or ethical non-monogamy. Answer questions the site provides pertaining to open relationships. This will match you with women who have similar outlooks on lovestyles.

The most common fantasy for men is to be with two women at once, sexually. If it's not sexual threesomes you imagine having with your fantasy lovers, what is the draw? Having kids with both? Two teething six-month olds at once sounds great! ;) Contending with simultaneous PMS? Lovely! Getting (metaphorically) whacked over the head with two frying pans when you act like a dick? Fun!
 
BTW, how do you imagine finding, and forming strong long-lasting open and out relationships with 2 HBBs at once when you are working full time and going to school full time? That must leave about one hour a week for dating. If you don't sleep.
 
Magdlyn said:
The most common fantasy for men is to be with two women at once, sexually. If it's not sexual threesomes you imagine having with your fantasy lovers, what is the draw? Having kids with both? Two teething six-month olds at once sounds great! Contending with simultaneous PMS? Lovely! Getting (metaphorically) whacked over the head with two frying pans when you act like a dick? ;) Fun!
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LOL. Yes, Magdlyn, most men don't think about the realities that go into a triad like that until they're there. In my former MFF accidental triad, the male partner quickly realized the realities and said that, while there was a lot of fun and fulfillment to be had, he wasn't interested in a repeat of that relationship style. :p
 
Magdlyn said:
Welcome triadNewbie.

I have to second that the best way to form a triad is organically. Date individuals, don't just look for 2two hot bi babes at once. It's hard enough finding one person to love!

I have found poly lovers, or poly friendly lovers, on a free dating site called OK Cupid. Write a good profile, mentioning polyamory or ethical non monogamy. Answer questions the site provides pertaining to open relationships. This will match you with women who have similar outlooks on lovestyles.

The most common fantasy for men is to be with two women at once, sexually. If it's not sexual threesomes you imagine having with your fantasy lovers, what is the draw? Having kids with both? Two teething six-month olds at once sounds great! Contending with simultaneous PMS? Lovely! Getting (metaphorically) whacked over the head with two frying pans when you act like a dick? ;) Fun!
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Like I have mentioned before, and will most likely have to continue to mention, this is not about sex I'm not looking for "two hot bi babes at once." If I just wanted sex it's not that hard to find. So I will state again THIS IS NOT A SEXUALLY-RELATED FANTASY. I do not know how I can stress this enough.

Kids don't bother me. I want a family. I won't have to worry about being hit by two frying pans at once. I'm a nice guy. I'm mature enough to realize that the relationship is not about me, or her, or her, it's about us together as a family. I'm not some sexually-deviant frat boy who doesn't know that relationships are way more then sex, or having a hot girlfriend. I actually firmly fall into the category of the "nice guy who always comes in last."

I have a profile on OK Cupid, I have reached out to people who list themselves as poly, only to be ignored. So I came here looking for some help, but I guess I will need to fight through the crap about sex first.
 
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triadNewbie said:
I have a profile on OK Cupid, I have reached out to people who list themselves as poly, only to be ignored. So I came here looking for some help, but I guess I will need to fight through the crap about sex first.
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I don't think you have to "fight through the crap about sex first." Magdlyn's post wasn't all about sex, nor have any of the other posts been. Take a step back, and just breathe for a second.
 
Her posts came off as basically her treating me like a college guy who wants to have regular access to a threesome with "two hot bi babes at once." In fact she has two separate posts mentioning "two hot bi babes." How am I supposed to take this?

I am on the forum as a last resort. I have exhausted all other resources I have found access to. I was hoping to find people who were accepting, maybe help me work through stuff like this, not get treated like a frat boy. I got that enough from the other sources I have reached out to.
 
Well, I asked you if it wasn't the sex, what is the draw?

But you wouldn't turn away sex, I mean, you're not asexual, I don't think. If it's not threesome sex you want, you don't need your two hypothetical women to be bi at all. They could both be straight and just good friends, for a sort of loving V shape relationship. But a triad implies sex, or at least strong romantic love, between all three partners.

And it will be about you and Babe 1. And you and Babe 2. And Babe 1 and Babe 2. And all three of you together. It is all those relationships that need to be respected and nurtured AT ONCE. Lots of one-on-one things need to happen for everyone to be happy. That means dating one-on-one, and the third person doing something else unselfishly while the other two are on a date, or fucking.

So, are you ready for that?

Other considerations: What if you find your women? What if you and Babe 1 break up? Or Babe 1 is jealous of Babe 2? Or someone gets ill or has to move away? Do two of you carry on, even if all three are living together? There are so many considerations in a triad.

Again, I encourage you to search for one woman who is open to poly. And take it from there. And if you and she both date individually, maybe someday one of you will click with another woman who then clicks with you or your partner. You can't force triads. They only work if they happen organically.
 
@triadNewbie ... FWIW, I am still following this thread and am still listening. Tell me what's on your mind and I will hear you.

OKCupid often helps people but not quickly. You'll probably need a lot of patience. I can list some other poly-friendly dating sites but OKC has the most participants, so don't be quick to give up on it.

I see an MFF relationship as I would an MF or any other configuration. It is just people trying to learn how to get along together and since everyone is different, every relationship will be unique and have its own tips and tricks.

The MFF triad model is very popular and comes with many epic fail stories. This is one of the reasons you're having to deal with people's skepticism. No one believes an MFF triad can work, not unless it falls together "by accident." I aim to keep an open mind about it but I'm aware of the obstacles.

Have you considered moving to an especially poly-friendly city? Seattle and Portland are world-renowned for that. Other poly-friendly cities are discussed at: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=290763#post290763

Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
@Magdlyn Yes, I would not turn away sex, but this is not what it is about, and I do not know what exactly the draw is. This is what I am trying to figure out. This is what I do know. I am interested in a MFF relationship. I want it to be one where we are all wanting each other romantically and physically and emotionally. Yes, there would be threesome sex, but like I repeatedly have to keep telling you, that is not the draw. If you can let me know how many more times I have to continue to tell you this it would be appreciated, because then I can just tell you that many times now and get it out of the way. And why do you keep referring them to as babes? I'm by no means a feminist, but hell, they're women, not babes or anything else. It's kinda demeaning to women, don't you think?

I will continue to search for one woman who is poly. This is what I have been doing for a while, only to be ignored.

@ktd26417

Right now moving is not an option. I have at least two years left of school. While I could transfer within my job, I really wouldn't want to have to start paying out of state tuition again. But I will keep these cities in mind for when I do get out of school. Thanks.
 
triadNewbie said:
@Magdlyn Yes, I would not turn away sex, but this is not what it is about, and I do not know what exactly the draw is. This is what I am trying to figure out. This is what I do know. I am interested in a MFF relationship. I want it to be one where we are all wanting each other romantically and physically and emotionally. Yes, there would be threesome sex, but like I repeatedly have to keep telling you that is not the draw. If you can let me know how many more times I have to continue to tell you this it would be appreciated, because then I can just tell you that many times now and get it out of the way.
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Sigh... You are not reading what I am saying. Sex is great. I am not into threeway sex or triads, myself. I love one-on-one sex, love my gf, am fond of my new boyfriend. Now, my new bf has never dated a poly woman before, and it really turns him on to know my gf is in the house and possibly listening when he and I get it on.

So, I understand. You will not be sexually aroused to hear your two gfs making love in the next room. Or if you are, that is not your motivation. Nor are you all into threesomes. You're a feminist, you want extra female energy around the house. Maybe you had lots of sisters. Another draw is, in our culture, men are not encouraged to be emotionally or physically close with each other. So they do seek women for touch and sharing of emotions without shaming. You perhaps want a steady source of that. You could just seek lots of platonic gfs. But you want sex and a real gf (or two).

Just throwing ideas out there in random order.

And why do you keep referring them to as babes? I'm by no means a feminist but hell, their women, not babes or anything else, it's kinda demeaning to women don't you think?
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Well, baby is a term of endearment between my gf and me. I also call my besties my "girls." I am not a hardass like some feminists who get all bent out of shape when girl or baby or whatever are used in proper context.

Now, when a 30-something MF couple says they are "seeking a girl" to "add as a third to their relationship," I do see red.

I will continue to search for one woman who is poly, this is what I have been doing for awhile only to be ignored.
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Ah, sorry it's hard. But could it be because...

I have at least two years left of school. While I could transfer within my job, I really wouldn't want to have to start paying out of state tuition again. But I will keep these cities in mind for when I do get out of school.
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You're still in transition, working and going to school A LOT. That is great for your career, but do you actually have time and money to date, to seem an attractive prospect for a woman your age?

You could date older women who aren't seeking a guy with money, since older women often have money of their own.
 
Maybe after you get done with school you'll have more luck, who knows. Love is always hard to find, even if you were looking monogamously.

What we've often seen here on the forum is M/F couples (hetero male, bi female) who are wealthy, fit, trim, fun-loving, and looking for a third (a bi female) to add to their marriage. This is often done in an objectifying way, with many rules established by the couple before they even meet the third, that the third will be expected to follow. They seem to be treating this third as if she were a living sex toy, hence to them she is a "hot bi babe" and that's why the phrase is used here but it is used sarcastically.

Your situation is obviously different since you are a single male looking for two females. But since M+FF = MFF just like MF+F = MFF, you can still end up getting grouped with those stereotypical M/F couples.

You asked what is the reason you're interested in an MFF model, and I'm curious as to how much of the answer you know so far. What do you picture when you imagine the MFF family in your future? Would all three of you live together for instance? Would there be kids? mingled finances? etc.
 
I have heard men outnumber women in Alaska by a large margin. If there are so many more men than woman that every woman could have two MEN to herself, you'd probably do better looking for a MFM triad than the other way.

Loving Radiance lives in Alaska and she had a MFM for a couple decades. Not a triad, a V, but living together. It was uneasy. It did work for them after a fashion, but she was an excellent hinge.
 
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