Confused? Frequency changing...

YGirl said:
(Ha, Mono basically beat me to the questions)
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Sorry Ygirl :eek:..I have a spidey sense for this type of stuff it seems. The fact that I treated some people in my life with incredible disrespect and destructiveness makes me very intolerant to doing this again or seeing it done. Not only did I scar them, but I scarred myself as well.

I'll be slower in the future :)
 
YGirl said:
Please tell us what is good about this person and what you get out of staying with him (other than "we're soulmates" or "the sex is mind-blowing").

(Ha, Mono basically beat me to the questions)
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Trust me the last few days I've been looking long and hard at our relationship and how he is treating me and her and conducting himself.

We've always been honest with each other, and to this date I do feel that he is honest with me. I do think in general he is a kind caring person, one of my best friends. This is just where we disagree and are constantly fighting.

I guess I just have to figure out if this what I want.
 
ellie said:
I agree...but I think why I feel so strongly is because she doesn't know about us. He refuses to tell her he's an open relationship...which is one of the main reasons for our fights..
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Deceitful. Lying...dishonestly...he is cheating on her with you, if her expectation is monogamy.

Relationships aren't easy...none of them are. But I expect honesty in mine, he is abusing that honesty.
 
Ariakas said:
Deceitful. Lying...dishonestly...he is cheating on her with you, if her expectation is monogamy.

Relationships aren't easy...none of them are. But I expect honesty in mine, he is abusing that honesty.
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I agree, as she does want monogamy a relationship (so he has told me) but he has told her he doesn't.

I agree...100% :(
 
So she thinks she's the only one?

"Hon, I have to tell you something. Remember how I said I want this to be an open relationship where we can both see other people? Well, I've been seeing someone else the whole time we've been together. I've actually been with this person for over a year. She knows I'm seeing you and is ok with it. I'm hoping we can all get past the fact that I started on the wrong foot with you and move forward from this point on."

Yup. I see THAT going over REAL well with the "secondary" (since you said in the OP that you are the "primary"). Someone's going to get hurt...
 
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YGirl said:
So she thinks she's the only one?

"Hon, I have to tell you something. Remember how I said I want this to be an open relationship where we can both see other people? Well, I've been seeing someone else the whole time we've been together. I've actually been with this person for over a year. She knows I'm seeing you and is ok with it. I'm hoping we can all get past the fact that I started on the wrong foot with you and move forward from this point onward."

Yup. I see THAT going over REAL well with the "secondary" (since you said in the OP that you are the "primary").
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Yes I am the "primary". She know's she's not the only one, but she also doesn't know how significant my relationship is with him. Telling her that it's casual and dating other people vs. the actual significance of the "others", the "others" factor being only me, just doesn't know.

I know it won't go over well at all. He'll end up hurting her in the long run, at least I think he will. Just an all around upsetting situation.
 
ellie said:
Yes I am the "primary". She know's she's not the only one, but she also doesn't know how significant my relationship is with him. Telling her that it's casual and dating other people vs. the actual significance of the "others", the "others" factor being only me, just doesn't know.

I know it won't go over well at all. He'll end up hurting her in the long run, at least I think he will. Just an all around upsetting situation.
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I am sorry, I fell into the pain of a poly breakup because I was naive about what poly was. I set myself up to hurt by accident...

You guys (you and your bf) seem to be building yourselves up a nice big pile of dramatic incidence which is bound to end in pain...on purpose. I just don't get it...the person that will be hurt the most is the poor girl on the other end who will be blindsided...
 
Ariakas said:
I am sorry, I fell into the pain of a poly breakup because I was naive about what poly was. I set myself up to hurt by accident...

You guys (you and your bf) seem to be building yourselves up a nice big pile of dramatic incidence which is bound to end in pain...on purpose. I just don't get it...the person that will be hurt the most is the poor girl on the other end who will be blindsided...
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This is my first poly relationship to be honest. And I agree. I hate all this drama and conflict and I hate fighting. I don't get it either. I just don't know how to proceed just leave it alone, or end it because I don't agreee and feel that is highly dishonest. I guess I just have alot of thinking to do.
 
Have you met the "other woman"? Do you know how to get in touch with her? How about "inviting her for coffee"? You could tell your partner that if he doesn't tell her the whole story, you will. Call her up or message her and say "Hi, this is Ellie. Do you know who I am?" See how she responds and take it from there.
 
YGirl - you took the words right off my fingertips - I was just going to say the same thing.

She know's she's not the only one, but she also doesn't know how significant my relationship is with him.
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The other girl has a right to know what she is getting into and you deserve to be more than a secret or an insignificant person in his life. Waiting until they have been seeing each other for 6 months, I think, is just cruel.

You have a tough decision to make. Best of luck to you!

Kat
 
ellie said:
This is my first poly relationship to be honest. And I agree. I hate all this drama and conflict and I hate fighting. I don't get it either. I just don't know how to proceed just leave it alone, or end it because I don't agreee and feel that is highly dishonest. I guess I just have alot of thinking to do.
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Ellie,
How long have you been seeing him? I just re-read all of your posts and couldn't find any mention in any of them about how long the two of you have been seeing each other. I think it might help all of us to support you based on knowing this.

I also want to validate you for talking (typing) it out so well and being willing to really think things out!! That's so important !! :eek:
 
idealist said:
Ellie,
How long have you been seeing him? I just re-read all of your posts and couldn't find any mention in any of them about how long the two of you have been seeing each other. I think it might help all of us to support you based on knowing this.
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ellie said:
We've been seeing each other about 4 days a week (one weekday and the weekend). Dating for a little over a year. I am the primary partner.
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.
 
Thanks YGirl, I missed that.
Well.....in my experience a year is just about the time when you start getting to know a person for who they truly are. The 6 month infatuation phase is over......and the shadow starts to show itself. :eek: Pay attention to what you are seeing in him now. This is more the true person.
 
YGirl said:
Have you met the "other woman"? Do you know how to get in touch with her? How about "inviting her for coffee"? You could tell your partner that if he doesn't tell her the whole story, you will. Call her up or message her and say "Hi, this is Ellie. Do you know who I am?" See how she responds and take it from there.
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I do, I know everything about her. I have actually said that to my partner and was angry as he sees it meddling in his affairs. Trust me I've thought long and hard about contacting her. I do feel bad about it as I don't want her to get hurt.

idealist said:
Thanks YGirl, I missed that.
Well.....in my experience a year is just about the time when you start getting to know a person for who they truly are. The 6 month infatuation phase is over......and the shadow starts to show itself. :eek: Pay attention to what you are seeing in him now. This is more the true person.
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I really hope that this isn't "him" per se. As he can be completely open and honest with me but not everyone else. We talked a little bit last night and he said he's still getting used to this as well as this is his first time as well being in an open relationship.
 
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ellie said:
I really hope that this isn't "him" per se. As he can be completely open and honest with me but not everyone else.
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Well, I hope everything works out, for sure. It's just that his inability to be honest with "everyone else" is an issue. One day, you may become one of the "everyone else" people that he can't be honest with.
 
idealist said:
Well, I hope everything works out, for sure. It's just that his inability to be honest with "everyone else" is an issue. One day, you may become one of the "everyone else" people that he can't be honest with.
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I have an update...today he told her :) She actually asked him who else he was seeing, actually asked for specifics, and he came clean with everything. You have no idea how happy I am, it feels like this huge weight has been lifted. She was very shocked but seems to be okay and accepting so far. She's not ready to meet me yet, but I hope one day she will be, especially if they continue to see each other.

I do want to thank everyone for all the support and advice. I'm so glad I found this site :)
 
YGirl said:
And you know this because he told you, and he's always been completely honest with you?
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Yes he told me. So far yes, he hasn't lied to me yet, and to date he has been honest with me and yes I used to be one of those "crazy" types, who would check his email and ask him to show me his text messages etc as I used to be highly insecure.

I know they had the conversation over instant messenger, so if I really wanted to I would just ask to see the conversation. I just may. But for now I have to give him the benefit of the doubt
 
OK... I am just concerned that he's telling you what he thinks you need to hear in order to get you off his case.... Since he's not here to be giving his side of the story I'm automatically siding with you by default.
 
ellie said:
But he says he chooses to conduct his affairs as he see fit, and he has told her she is casual and she doesn't ask anything else about the matter. (he basically told me under no uncertain terms that he doesn't want me to micro manage his relationships...)
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Wanting to meet your boyfriend's other girlfriends, or at least make sure they know you exist, is NOT micro managing. After a year of being with someone, you've earned the right to have some involvement in his life. This does not mean telling him what to do, but it does include having your opinions and suggestions being treated with respect and consideration.

ellie said:
I really hope that this isn't "him" per se. As he can be completely open and honest with me but not everyone else. We talked a little bit last night and he said he's still getting used to this as well as this is his first time as well being in an open relationship.
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Besides checking his email and texts (all of which can be deleted to hide things he doesn't want snoopy girlfriends finding), how do you know he's been honest with you when you have proof he's been lying to others? People don't usually lie selectively. They're either honest people, or compulsive liars, or else they lie to all people equally but only about certain types of things.

I don't see how you can honestly believe he's been completely open and honest with you when he's been lying to others?
 
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