Fluid Bonding Outside of Marriage

M

mrben1

New member
My wife & I have been together for 12 years and have been very happy. We decided to try poly about nine months ago and it was all going well, we dated another couple and hit it off although it didn't last and we eventually broke it off.

We then started exploring individual relationships separate to each other and found a lot of joy in our experiences. It was all going great until my wife got back together with the first couple. It was difficult for me at first since I felt rejected but I was working through it and things were starting to settle down. My wife first bought up the topic of fluid bonding with them a couple of months back. I was dead against it, they had a history of previous STIs and to be honest I never trusted them after the break up. I told her that I was not OK with it and we soldiered on.

My wife wouldn't drop the discussion, it came up again and again and was becoming seriously damaging to our marriage, we were fighting most evenings and I couldn't cope with it any more. I told her that the fluid bonding was her decision and that she had the choice if she wanted to bond with them, I would unbond with her. She told me that she would always put me first (something that has been the motto of our poly journey) and that she would not unbond with me.

Then I had an accident. A broken condom with one of my partners stirred things up, and the next thing I knew she was telling me that she was going to bond with them. I feel betrayed, and I am not coping well. I can't help but push her away and thoughts of separation are plaguing my mind. I love her but I don't know if this is something that I can get past. Please give me advice.
 
I understand why you would be upset, she keeps pushing for something that you aren't okay with. Ultimately it's her choice because it's her body but you can choose to protect yourself and your other partners by using condoms with your wife. That is what I would do if nate insisted on becoming barrier free with someone I didn't trust.
 
You're ready to end your marriage over wearing a condom? Wear a condom from now on. If she gets pissy about, tell her she made her choice.

However, it really sounds like you two have deeper issues. Sounds like both of you want to be in control and have your own way, and neither of you wants to negotiate nor even just hear the other's viewpoint.
 
I dont understand why you dont just wear a condom.
We each have control over iur own bodies. You cant MAKE her do a thing. But you can stop having sex with her or stp having unprotected sex.
 
Yes, why is she so set on fluid bonding with a couple who were apparently careless in the past and contracted STIs? And I can also see there is tension around her again dating a couple who "rejected" you... hmmm...

Could you compromise and agree to her having (less risky) unprotected oral sex with them, while she still agrees to use condoms for intercourse? Also, if I were you, I would totally go to condoms with her while she is in this mindset. I started using condoms again with a former bf when he started dating/fucking a new woman or man every month. Even though he was using condoms with them (or so he assured me), I wanted an extra degree of protection. And I think many here would agree.
 
She must be thick or just doesn't care about risk to herself or you. She shouldn't even be mad. Probably offended because she connects no condoms with you, to trust.
Using condoms = "you don't trust me anymore".

You can stop being mad though, just keep giving her the reason (STI risks) for having to use condoms with her. I'm guessing neither of this couple even speaks with you anymore(?) so all you have to base your concerns on is the past impression.
 
Magdlyn said:
Yes, why is she so set on fluid bonding with a couple who were apparently careless in the past and contracted STIs?
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Just because they wound up with STIs doesn't automatically mean they were careless. Everyone has different standards for safer sex, and you can make every effort that you deem reasonable and cautious, and still get an infection.
 
I agree with the other posters who said to use condoms with your wife now that she's chosen this course of action. That addresses the practical concerns about STIs, but not the feelings of betrayal you have experienced. I imagine that some of that is being exacerbated by the fact that you feel a bit rejected by this couple. Even if you have come to terms with this in yourself, it must still be hard watching your wife continue to date them - especially if you have lost a little respect for them after however things ended. I think you need to try hard to separate what hard feelings you are bringing to the table versus what are genuinely caused by your wife's actions. Not easy, but you will feel better if you can get to the bottom of it. It does seem, from a distance, like your feelings of hurt are disproportionate to what has happened - so yes, more self-analysis required there.

I think there is an extra dimension to this which would bug the hell out of me though - and that's the fact that her actions seem almost punitive. She was fine with not fluid bonding with them before you had a condom fail yourself, but since that one accident, she is acting in a 'well, you did it so why can't I?' manner. Yeah. Kind of childish, and feels a bit off to me. That's got nothing to do with the other couple, as far as I can see, and in your shoes I'd want to talk to her about that as a separate issue. If she accepted your misgivings before and saw fit to agree to your request, what has changed now? Was she agreeing to your request before just to appease you or fob you off? If she will so readily agree to do things she doesn't want to do, how can you trust any of her agreements?
 
Do you have an understanding of the emotional context around her wanting to fluid bond with this couple? What does that mean to her? Can she tell you why this is important to her? Are you willing to really hear her reasons?

I ask because the fluid bonding issue seems to be 'standing in' for some other emotional issue between the two of you. I don't know what it might be but something more is going on. Unless you two work to get a handle on what that might be, you will continue to go around in circles.
 
Hi mrben1,

Re (from OP):
"I can't help but push her away and thoughts of separation are plaguing my mind. I love her but I don't know if this is something that I can get past. Please give me advice."
Click to expand...

At this point, I suppose you need to decide how important fluid bonding is to you in a marital relationship. Separating might be the thing to do under the circumstances, though preferably it would be an amicable separation. Another idea is you and your wife could transition into a relationship that looks less like a marriage and more like close friends who are also roommates.

The question is, how can you put the amicable friendship back into your relationship with your wife? What's blocking that part of your relationship? Maybe it's because of her hooking up with this couple you broke up with, but is there a hidden reason why she chose to hook up (again) with that couple, some grudge she already held against you?

There of course is always marriage counseling to consider (preferably with a poly-friendly counselor). Have you tried that yet? and if so, what have you learned so far from your counseling sessions?

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for all your comments, to clarify my issue is not with the condoms themselves, rather my wife putting her other partners before myself.

I have come to the realisation over the past couple of days that our poly model has been changed. We were hierarchical before, with us as primaries and then everyone else as secondaries. I need to accept that this model obviously wasn't working for her and instead of focusing on what I feel like I have lost, spend time to see what this new model can do for me.
 
Fluent bonding is a serious thing and not something that it is fair that she decides on her own. We got pretty soon fluent bonded with my boyfriend, but it was in agreement with all three of us and we did sti tests before.

Of course "she decides what she wants to do with her body", but then you don't take major decitions as partners anymore.

We too had a change were we went from primary partners to him becoming my primary partner as well, but it sounds more like she doesn't want to be your partner...
 
True story. Before we saw that light and formed a polyfidelitous triad, I was like many guys seem to be now. I got my wife to believe that poly was a good thing and I would never leave her. I did end up leaving her but went back to her when I came to my senses. The fun part was when I had sex with my secretary who was a good girl and never had sex with anyone else but her husband. Turns out that her husband was having unprotected sex and gave her an STI which I got and gave to my wife and other girlfriends who gave it to the guys they were having sex with and down the line. This was pre AIDS so most of us never used a condom since the women who we met were all on the pill and STDs and STIs were not that common among those in committed relationships, or so I thought.

That experience was an eye opener for all of us and thereafter we had a closed poly triad to prevent any such problems in the future. We went 40 years with no problems, even after our girlfriend got married to a cuckold who only has sex with our gf when she offered it to him.
 
Don't you mean 38 years?
 
kdt26417 said:
Don't you mean 38 years?
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Kevin! Stop spotting the holes in the story man! Sometimes it's 38 years, sometimes it's 40. Sometimes Len is completely fulfilling his wife's every sexual urge and is a supreme Alpha, and sometimes he is locked in his chastity belt. Sometimes Len's wife is not interested in any studly man but Len, sometimes his Len's wife is actually more of a lesbian. You're not meant to notice. None of us are. So stop spoiling the game. :p
 
LOLOL oh that is so not funny. :eek:
 
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