When he falls in love with another or two

E

EventuallyFatal

New member
I'm not really in any sort of open relationship, but when I posted this on another relationship forum I only got the answer that "He doesn't really love you if he loves another at the same time, leave him!" over and over. I just wanted some open minded advice about what I should do to help my b/f find what he needs to really be happy without making myself so miserable that I push him away and practically MAKE him choose to be single.



My b/f and I have been together for 7 years and have a 6 year old son together. About 3 months ago he met a girl at his job, we'll call her Alice. He started texting her a lot and even hung out with her on multiple occasions while hiding it from me. I found out about all of it and we discussed how I wasn't comfortable with the level their friendship was on. I told him that if he has to see her out of work to hang out, we should all go together. Fast forward a couple weeks...a mutual friend of ours was hanging out with us and he told her that he had gotten a BJ from Alice and didn't know how to tell me, so she told me. (He didn't ask her to, he told her in confidence and now he's really mad at her.) I asked if he had feeling for her and he assured me he didn't, he just wasn't completely happy in our own relationship so he had a slip up. Since then I have been trying soooooo hard to not be a downer about all of this and be happy. Well, on Cinco de Mayo my b/f and I had plans to hang out with our other mutual friend, Beth. I invited Beth over because my b/f had said he didn't feel like he got to see his friends enough and she is one of his best friends. Alice ended up calling him for a ride somewhere while he was on his way home and he decided to take her. She had to stop somewhere first, and while he was waiting for her, and ambulance pulled up and took Alice away. Apparently she had overdosed on Heroin while my b/f was waiting for her. I wanna say that this is not the kind of people we are either, we don't condone drugs, I don't think it's normal, and I don't think it's okay. So anyway, he bailed on our plans to follow her to the hospital and wait to see her and make sure she was alright. After that, he met up with Beth at a bar and she decided not to come over because she felt too weird. So that is the night that my b/f told me that, while he still loves me very much, he also love Alice. There was just a "spark" when they met at work that can't be explained and he can't ignore his feelings anymore. He wants to be completely honest with me from now on, so he also tells me that he loves Beth as well. He doesn't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I love him and our family and I want to make it through this and make it work. Beth is a really hippyish sort of chick and she's in an open relationship right now...so my b/f thinks she's being the coolest about the whole situation. (I think, of course she is! lol She's not your g/f and son's mother!.) Alice is an alcoholic who drinks wine from morning till she passes out. My b/f says she's just the most marvelous person when she's sober, but when she gets drunk enough she wants to fight everyone and becomes very racist. She's also telling my b/f that he has to make up his mind because she won't be around forever. (I'm thinking, what right do YOU have to tell my b/f anything! lol.) I think my b/f wants to take a "break" for a month or so and just be "free" to do what he wants without guilt. He says he doesn't want to lose me, and still loves me very much, but doesn't know how to get rid of these feelings for these other women. A friend of mine said maybe this is what he needs and if I love him as much as I say I should let him learn whatever it is he's meant to learn from these people...and if he truly loves me he'll come back and we'll be stronger than ever (she's also very hippyish lol). About 3 years ago we broke up for a while because I fell for someone else. He stuck by me for 7 months while I dated someone else and was there for me the whole time. I do believe that he loves me. I guess I'm hippyish in my own way because I really do understand loving more than 1 person at a time, the heart can be a very big place...I just think it's up to the person themselves to choose whether they want to love someone romantically or in a platonic way. I understand when he says he doesn't want to lose any of us. I'm not even trying to tell him he can't talk to them anymore if we stay together or anything. (Apparently he's talked to Alice about relationships before and she's even more possessive and jealous than I am. She'll probably want him to stop talking to Beth and only talk to me about things related to our son.) I really do want him to search inside himself and do what will really make him happy. I'm worried though, about taking a "break". I'm worried that my jealousy won't fade just because of the "break" and that my responses to him going out with them will push him away more. I'm also worried that sleeping with them might solidify his love for them. I think he deserves the same consideration he gave me, but I'm scared to death to let go even a little because it feels like I should be holding on for dear life. I guess I should put in there that Beth, my b/f and I did have a threesome several times about a year ago. At the time I was assured then that it was all in fun and that they didn't have romantic feelings for each other. The last tidbit I think I should add, but I don't know where lol, is that he says he's not deciding which one of us to be with. He's trying to decide whether to stick it out with me or be single (because I told him before I didn't want to "take a break")...but after thinking about it for a couple days I'm wondering if giving him this "break" is the more loving thing for me to do, even if it hurts me. I'll stop rambling lol Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

My honest opinion? I think your other friends are right about letting him go. Could break up and this time STAY broken up. You broke up with him before for a reason. Having a kid together is no reason to keep trying to make a thing fly that just does not fly.

Long story short? There's honesty problems here.

Your BF hid the realtionship with Alice. There was some sort of “slip up.” You make it sound like cheating.

Aiice is an alcoholic, heroin user. She is awful, belligerent and racist when not sober. She is jealous and posessive and telling him to make up his mind. I am not sure what about all that makes her “great partner” much less “great poly partner.” :eek:

He also has a crush on Beth that he wants to pursue.

I'm not hearing he wants to Open responsibly. I could be wrong, but what I hear is this:

  • He wants to “take a break” and ignore his parenting responsibilities and his agreements with you free from guilt.
  • He wants a free pass where you absolve him.
  • He wants to go explore these other dating options. And he wants you to agree to stick around as a fall back if it does not work out for him. Rather than you move on to other relationships yourself.

To me that reads as all kinds of FRESH. :mad:

He chose to stick around when you guys broke up before and you moved on to date the other dude. This is not loyalty to you. This is him wanting something from you. See clear.

Right now you seem to think you “owe him the same" somehow NOW because he did it then. Is that what he tells you? :confused:

Well, that was then. This is now. Could treat those events separately rather than linking them.

At this time? You do NOT want to “take a break.” You do not want to Open. You are miserable with him and his lack of commitment right now. And his slip ups and poor judgement.

I guess I'm hippyish in my own way because I really do understand loving more than 1 person at a time, the heart can be a very big place...I just think it's up to the person themselves to choose whether they want to love someone romantically or in a platonic way.
Click to expand...

It is true. We are not children. We can feel things for other people, but we can choose how we behave. We can decide to invest in a relationship or not. Love might be infinite but time and other resources are not. One can spread themselves too thin past their poly saturation point, neglecting other partners, agreements, responsibilities.

You say that he's trying to decide whether he is more willing to stick it out with you or more willing to break up and be single. Leave him to it. Stop focussing on him and his stuff. He determines his willingness.

But if he's lukewarm on his commitment to you? Irresponsible? Call it "no commitment" so you can get on with your own life.

I really do want him to search inside himself and do what will really make him happy.
Click to expand...

Could take your own advice. Focus on you. YOU could determine where your own willingness lies. What you are and are not up for. What brings you joy and what brings you misery. Make your own decisions.

You don't sound up for Open, so you could decide to break it off so you are free of drama. It hurts to break up, but not all choices in life are win or lose. Some are "which stinks least?"

In your case I think it is (stay here with never ending misery being the Plan B Girl) or (break up and heal and move on to be with someone else who treats me better).

I wouldn't want to be with a partner who only wants me around for "back up plan." Much less try to poly with one. I'd break up.

I would NOT agree to be part of his poly network. I dislike drama and Alice sounds super messy.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I definitely agree that one of the most hurtful things about all of this is the type of person he's "fallen" for. Another thing is that what made him finally be honest is her almost dying, not my begging for weeks for it. But now that he's finally ready to be 100% honest NO MATTER WHAT (his own words) doesn't that deserve a chance? He says his focus if/when we're separated isn't going to be on dating, but himself and his son. This whole time (the past 3 months that I've been aware of Alice's existence) I've been jealous and controlling (telling him I don't want him to hang out with her and stuff)...maybe giving him space and considering a "break" (which the way he describes it seems like basically wanting an open relationship) is what he needs to get over this. Maybe I'm a doormat for this, but I don't WANT to end things. I love him so much and I just want things to work out. I don't think he'd ever be happy with either of those other two women either. I think it's just lust that he doesn't know how to handle.
 
EventuallyFatal said:
But now that he's finally ready to be 100% honest NO MATTER WHAT (his own words) doesn't that deserve a chance?
Click to expand...

A chance for what? How does him being honest equate with any kind of chance?

His choice to be honest doesn't magically change the part of you that feels like this all sounds like a bad idea - why would it? He should have been honest from the start. Honesty is not a bargaining chip - it's a characteristic a respectful, loving human being who wants the best for the people that s/he loves.

I agree with Gala Girl, in that it sounds like you should walk away from this. I think his "I'm going to focus on me and my son" words might be BS, and if I knew he was still so into Alice, I'd be seriously concerned that "me and my son" time would also include Alice, who sounds like a great person to introduce your son to if you'd like him to need therapy for years on end. And given your husband's willingness to lie before, I really wouldn't trust his word for a moment if he said "No, son and Alice would never spend time together".

Focus on you and your son. Let BF to go make all the mistakes and have all the learning experiences that he seems to want to have. And hopefully he'll actually learn from them, but whether or not he does isn't your problem - it's his.
 
I mean this kindly, ok? :eek:

I know you hurt right now.

You are only a doormat if you allow yourself to be walked all over.

Processing some grief? There's stages to it. To me you sound in shock with the "why? why?" of it all. You are not a doormat for having to process this load.

It is possible to end things with regrets. Not wanting to end them. But doing it anyway because that is the healthiest choice.

But now that he's finally ready to be 100% honest NO MATTER WHAT (his own words) doesn't that deserve a chance?
Click to expand...

NO. Not if what he's being honest about is "Hey! Let's all take up with a crazy lady! See! I am being honest now! Reward me for my honesty by agreeing to do crazy with me!"

I think that whole "100% honest now" could just be selling you a new line to keep you on the hook, hanging around to be his Plan B Girl to clean up his messes. Same thing with "I want to focus on me and son" -- what prevents him from doing that NOW? I think he's saying whatever to you to get his way.

I suggest you take a step back from all this. Think about YOU. Do you think YOU deserve another chance at stability? No drama? Being misery free? Or do you think you deserve more of same poor treatment? :(

I get that you want to be with him. You just want the crazy to stop. Thing is... he's choosing not to stop it. He wants to continue to carry on with Alice. It might be tempting to blame her because she's a messy person... but HE is the one picking her out. So that part of it is all him and his choice.

You get these choices on the table:

  • Stay with him. Price of admission? You and child living in crazy town.
  • Skip crazy town so you and child are safer from shenanigans. Price of admission? Not being with him, because he's hell bent to move there.
  • Be with him NOT in crazy town. (<--- not on the table.)

I think you could let him go and leave him to it. But NOT stick around to endure crazy and be his Plan B Girl.

Could get you and your kid out of the line of fire rather than keeping your both in the crazy zone. Provide your kid with the oasis from crazy town -- esp if kid gets stuck having to visit Dad with custody stuff. Especially with drunk heroin drama chick around -- that oasis at your home will be much needed while you review and change any custody arrangements to protect the kid further. Could give yourself the gift of time, space and peace. Treat you with some self respect and dignity even if he's being all wacko and NOT treating you well.

You are grieving betrayal and loss. It is ok to feel yucky. Just remember that subsuming yourself to the relationship just to keep it going and allowing yourself to be treated poorly here? Trying to avoid feeling grief things? That's NOT good. Could not do that.

Your kid watches and learns -- do not teach him to expect to treat people poorly this way or allow himself to be treated poorly this way by others. Teach what to DO to get himself to a healthy place. You have to model it.

I know break ups hurt. But consider giving yourself and your kid some distance from someone who does not consider you, does not appreciate you, has been lying, and is all drama stuff right now. The detachment process will set in over time and it will not hurt as much. Healing will happen. Let time do that work. Seek counseling if you need extra support.

If either way is hard? Pick your hard. I hope you pick the one where YOU give you dignity and self respect. The choice that gives you (short term suckage with a shot at peace and healing in the long term) rather than the choice that gives you (long term suckage with no end in sight.)

I know this is not easy for you right now. This is just NOT the ethical, responsible way to Open. Or the right people to Open with. I think you know that deep down. :(

You could decline to participate in any shenanigans.

Remember you have worth, dignity and value. I hope you can see that. :eek:

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I see what you're saying and I know you're probably right. I'm just not willing to completely give up on us yet. He's my son's father, my only child, and I want nothing more in the whole world than for us to be together and happy. He's the longest relationship I've ever had and we get along famously most of the time. The choices I'm comfortable with are; saying nothing and letting him choose what to do based on my previous statement, that I'm not okay with a "break" of any kind...or, letting him have his "break" and some space to decide what to do.
 
Man, this all sounds like a poorly-written teen novel, ugh!

EventuallyFatal said:
I'm just not willing to completely give up on us yet.
Click to expand...
Give up on what? Getting some more of the shit end of the stick from him? Hon, you need to take the blinders off! There are lots of good men out there who would treat you with respect and be a good father to your child. This one... not worth your energy.

I think you are sticking your head in the sand and really avoiding some important issues if you continue your relationship with him. Your logic is flawed, because the reasons you give for staying with him and "trying" to make it work, are really flimsy. So what if you love him. Love is not enough to have a fulfilling, satisfying, joyful, respectful relationship. It takes much more than that! Most of us, I am certain, have felt love for someone who is completely and totally wrong for us, even toxic to us - but you should never stick around to be treated like shit just because you feel love for someone. What about love for yourself? Where is your spine, hon? You're caught up in some moony-eyed sentimental fantasy of how things could be. How is he at parenting? My suspicion is that you pretty much do all the work in that area. I wish you well, but I think there isn't much hope for a successful, satisfying, fulfilling connection with a man so immature and flaky.

I think all relationships should be nurturing to the people involved. Each person should feel respected, valued, heard, and safe to be themselves. I highly doubt he'll be able to step up and be a partner willing to accept his responsibilities as an adult and to nurture a dynamic with all those elements I mentioned.

DTMFA.
 
Last edited:
Hi EventuallyFatal,

Re (from OP):
"I think my boyfriend wants to take a 'break' for a month or so and just be 'free' to do what he wants without guilt."
Click to expand...

Why do you think that? Did he tell you so?

Re (from Post #3):
"Now that he's finally ready to be 100% honest *no matter what* (his own words), doesn't that deserve a chance?"
Click to expand...

Ummm ... what if his own words (when he said that) were dishonest? Think about it ...

Re (from Post #6):
"He's the longest relationship I've ever had and we get along famously most of the time."
Click to expand...

Other than that one little teensy thing? Come on now, that thing isn't really teensy.

So. Let's say you consent to him freely dating Alice and Beth for a month. If that suffices to "get it out of his system" and he then returns to be monogamous with you from then on, well that's easy. You just endure it for a month and then it's done.

But what if in a month he decides that he wants to date Beth from then on? partner with Beth? and you. Is that, too, something you can honestly consent to?

Okay, so what if in a month he decides that he wants to date Alice from then on? partner with Alice? and you. Is that, too, something you can honestly consent to? a raging drunken junkie. In your home. With your kid. Would you be willing to try to make that work?

I'm all in favor of polyamory and open relationships, but I do largely share the concerns that the others have expressed on this thread. I guess for me, if it was just Beth he wanted to keep dating, that might be okay. But Alice? Hmmm. Not until she's been clean and sober for a year at least.

It's your life and I don't have to live it for you, so it's not my place to tell you what to do. But, these are the thoughts I wanted to share at this time. I hope they help you to make your own decisions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I see what you're saying and I know you're probably right.
Click to expand...

Glad the logical part of you is willing and able to see that.

I'm just not willing to completely give up on us yet.
Click to expand...

I know. That's the emotional side of you that is dealing with the grief process. That part of you does not want to be hurting, does not want to be letting things go yet.

"Denial" is one of the stages of grief. Helps numb you to it so you don't break down into pieces. It has a purpose. You cannot stay at that stage though.

Could monitor yourself through that grief process. Expect the "bargaining" stage to come next. Or even repeat a few stages. You will feel all kinds of emotional roller coast stuff. Could get grief counseling/extra support at this time.

But I encourage you to stand firm on what you said before and repeat it if necessary: NO. You do not want any "break" thing.

If he "breaks" he cannot expect you to be hanging around to be his Plan B girl. You move on. And follow through for your sake and your kid's sake. Do not let him come crawling back so you get more merry-go-round craziness ride with him.

Love is not enough. There has to be respect, commitment, dignity, honesty, integrity. If he says he loves you but behaves in less than loving ways? Talk is cheap. Believe the actions.

YOU don't need to hang around racist, drunk, heroin lady even if BF wants to. Your kid doesn't either.

Whatever you feel/think as (GF person) right now, I hope you have your (Mama Bear side) on for your kid. If you guys part ways, be very careful and straighten out custody. I hope 6 year old doesn't visit dad and child accidentally eats her drugs by mistake or is tempted to try it if she leaves them lying around Dad's home. Or dad leaves him in her care even for a minute. Either of those would horrible. Ugh! :(

Cuz Dad? He won't even see for himself what a mess that whole Alice thing is to keep HIMSELF out of it. Much less be relied on to protect the kid. :(

Please take care of you and kid.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Id lwt him take a permanent break. I don't think id ever be able to trust him again, the relationship would ultimately be doomed anyway. Why waste time on hurting while trying to make something broken work?
 
Yes, he did tell me that he wants a break...but I don't have the mentality right now to accept living with him, still loving him, and seeing him go off to be with another woman. We've had a lot of conversations about our relationship since this has come to light. He said he is sometimes scared to talk to me about things because I fly off the handle at little stuff, so he was afraid of how I would react to something big like this. I told him if he had told me earlier, when he first started having feelings, we could have talked it through and maybe discovered what the problem was before it developed into such a mess. I really think he's finally ready to be honest with me about everything from now on. I'm working on me too, learning to listen and speak from a place of love and not anger so he doesn't feel like he needs to avoid any particular subjects. I haven't been easy on him in the past. I am jealous and possessive...I go through his phone when he leaves it in the room and get mad when I see flirtatious texts with these other women. My jealousy probably pushed him into his romantic feelings for Beth. All three of us were pretty good friends back when we were messing around together. We asked her to please not sleep with one specific person (because we weren't in a real relationship with her, just playing...but I wasn't comfortable with the idea of her sleeping with my best friend's brother.) Well, she did and I guess I just never forgave her for it and our friendship pretty much died. Him and her were such good friends though that they still hung out a lot, but I was never there anymore. I think that's when the romantic feelings grew in my bf's heart for Beth. The thought of him taking a "break" and deciding on one of the other women is EXACTLY the thought that makes me not want to do it. At all. It really would be a different situation to me if he was just unhappy and wanted a break, but there were no other women involved. I think he's just infatuated with Alice and being in a "honeymoon period" of a relationship again. He talks about how it's so effortless to be around her and they talk about random stuff so that he looses track of the time. I don't know if he really believes anyone's relationship is like that forever, or if he's just tired an worn out of working on ours so much that he really does just need a break from it. I dunno, I haven't really figured anything out...but it does make me feel better to talk about it. This is definitely not the kind of thing I wanted all of our friends to know about or anything lol Also, he knows that I don't approve of, and agrees, that no woman he may date in the future is to come to our house or be around our son. If that's really the road he wants to go down, he can keep it away from our home.
 
Last edited:
So, is he going to remain monogamous with you, or ... what's the plan?
 
OP

I don't think anyone can give you sound advice based on what you write on a board. They aren't there and don't know what's happening. That said, the underlying truth in other posters' comments is: you need to look after you. He can make his own choices. If the two coincide, great. But, my advice is think deeply about what you need, communicate that clearly, and live with the consequences.

No point avoiding conflict to get an outcome you don't want ...
 
It always puzzles me just how often people come here asking for advice without any intention of following it, considering it, or doing anything other than what they were planning to do anyway. People put a lot of thought and effort into their responses for nothing.
 
I am glad you feel better talking about it.

I don't know if he really believes anyone's relationship is like that forever,
Click to expand...

It is possible he is hopping from one person to the next for the thrill of the pink fluffy cloud la-la's that new relationships bring. It feels like a "high." So he's like a junkie chasing the next hit. And he wants to keep you for back up for when there's no new supply handy. Then he's never without.

Thing is, you do not have to agree to stay.

Yes, he did tell me that he wants a break...but I don't have the mentality right now to accept living with him, still loving him, and seeing him go off to be with another woman.
Click to expand...

Could let him go. Have it be BREAK UP. Then you do NOT have to be living there watching him do this crazy.

"Break" implies you will accept him when he wants to come back. That might be great for him, but it just goes on sucking some more for you. How does signing up for more suckage help you escape misery? To me it sounds like it just keeps it going. :(

I get you love him.

But he doesn't sound like he's especially loving to you in his behavior.

We've had a lot of conversations about our relationship since this has come to light. He said he is sometimes scared to talk to me about things because I fly off the handle at little stuff, so he was afraid of how I would react to something big like this.
Click to expand...

To me that sounds like him dumping his poor behavior on to you. Shifting the blame over on to you.

Like he was "afraid" to tell because you might not like it. I call BS. :mad:

How ELSE would any sensible person respond when partner goes "Let's open our relationship so I can take up with drunken heroin/almost killed herself lady! She's a swell person to date."

Nobody I know would go "Oh, yay, I like that!"

Anyone I know would go "WTH? NO." That is the reasonable, rational response to such a crazy idea. It is not flying off the handle. If you partner is off doing crazy shit you get worried. If he's been in the habit of lying? You want to know what's going on and what he's doing.

It's hard to feel safe and secure when your partner's judgement has left the building and he's taking up with messy people. Anger over this is a NORMAL feeling. When someone says they love you but then lie and do crazy? That's not esp fun or loving behavior.

Is he telling you that your normal response is NOT normal?

This is definitely not the kind of thing I wanted all of our friends to know about or anything
Click to expand...

If you are not happy/proud to tell your friends what's going on in your life? That could ring an alarm bell.

If you have become isolated from supportive people who could help you? This is not a healthy space you are in. That's another alarm bell.

Makes it easy for him to tell you stuff is your fault / shift the blame/shift responsibilities. And you have no reality check then and start believing him. Gaslighting you.

In the event there is more going on you are not saying...

http://speakoutloud.net/articles

Especially if you want to take a highlighter to the list.

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u...tober 2014 New Tactic 5 Cyber Abuse Cover.pdf

Again I encourage you to seek a counselor -- then you have local, professional help to make heads or tails of it all.

I am concerned for you. The bottom line pretty much seems to be he's going to take up with Alice. He rather do that than continue a Closed relationship with you. I hope he hasn't already. I notice you did not clarify if the "slip" was cheating and having sex with Alice. You might consider STD testing for yourself.

After a 7 year engagement and a child? I don't think you are going to get more commitment here in the form of marriage. I think you are going to get more shenanigans from the sound of it.

I am truly sorry you deal in this drama. It does not sound healthy or fun. :(

It is up to you to make the plan to get you out of it and gather the local helpers to help you.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Well, I know most of you think the relationship has no hope...but the decision is that he is to cut off most contact with Alice. He still wants to remain friends, but I'm only comfortable with it through texting/phone calls (with absolutely no flirting) or if I'm present while they're hanging out in person. The one exception to this is one more time, in a public setting, for him to tell her that we have worked things out and the flirtation needs to stop 100% and immediately. I understand that neither of them would want me there for that awkward conversation and I certainly don't want her to feel like I'm "looking down my nose at her." I told him my opinion that he doesn't really love her at all and is just infatuated with her and feeling lust because of the "honeymoon phase" of any new relationship (friend or otherwise). This is not based on the fact that she's a woman, but rather that he did cheat on me with her (the slip up was a blowjob one time, he swears that's all and I really believe him) and that she has toxic habits that can very easily work their way into our lives if he remains super close to her. For him, I told him I would consider a polyamorous relationship with Beth as long as she's; willing to bury the hatchet from our past and become friends again, willing to take things extremely slow (because she's incredibly experienced in open relationships and I'm brand spanking new lol), and her relationship goals with my bf don't interfere with my own. I do want my son's father to eventually be my husband. He only originally asked for the "break" because I was completely against an opening of the relationship of any kind. I had actually come to him years ago with the idea of polyamory and he was the one to refuse the idea. I think it may be something I've always been curious about and slightly interested in, but it just HURT so bad being on the other side and feeling inadequacy and betrayal. He does understand that what happened with Alice (the entire thing from them meeting until now) has been intensely hurtful and a huge strain on the relationship. I talked to him about how he needs to learn to say "I'm flattered, but I'm happy in my relationship so I'm not comfortable flirting," when someone comes onto him and he doesn't have REAL feelings for them. I made sure he realized that this adventure isn't going to be a free for all. He's not now "allowed" to go out and pick up strangers. He says he LOVES Beth, and that I can totally try my best to understand and accommodate. She's a fabulous person and I'll just have to work really hard on my jealousy to make it work...but Alice is another thing, a toxic thing, and I think he finally understands it. It makes me a little worried that he talked about "Maybe in the future, when she's been clean for at least a year..." but I'm not gonna fret over it too much because I really think the drugs/alcohol have a hold on her and his friendship won't even last with her because of it. What makes me feel better is that when I asked him about how he would feel if/when I find someone (which I don't feel comfortable actively LOOKING for right now, but if/when it happens) he would be very jealous, he doesn't know how he'll handle it, and he'll have to work on it a lot too. I would have felt very unimportant to him if he had said it would be no problem lol Anyway, I'm sorry it seems as if I didn't take anyone's advice to heart. I really did. Coming here made me realize I 100% didn't want a "break". I really feel like that made me an option and I didn't like that one bit. The way it is now, I really CAN understand (better at some times than others) that you can love more than one person and it doesn't decrease the love for either. I have to remember that I'm not being replaced and keep my jealousy in check (which will be much easier if Beth and I can become friends again). I read pretty much the entire "More than Two" website and bought the book "The Ethical Slut" to read...so I think I have a good beginners grasp of things, but any other recommendations or advice for people new to polyamory, people who need to get over anxiety/worry/jealousy, or just random tidbits that might be helpful would be greatly appreciated.
 
Now you seem to be in the "bargaining stage" of grief stages. Trying to find a way to make it work so you do not have to give a relationship with him up.

Tread with caution. That is "door in the face" technique. Asking for crazy Alice first so that later asking for Beth it sounds "reasonable" by comparison. Even though there are problems there too and you sound like you prefer to stay Closed. You also sound like you want marriage. That is the carrot. So he uses it to keep you on the hook.

You may be in sunk cost fallacy mode -- where it's "I've stayed this long. I may as well keep going to make the staying before worth it."

For him it works out... He gets to be with other people while you hang around being his back up option in the meanwhile. Hoping to get the carrot one day. For you it sounds like same old song, different day. Him treating you poorly. Just because it is a better heroin free level of bad, does not mean it is good.

You have worth, value, and dignity. You deserve to be treated with respect. If he does not? You could treat yourself so.

I hope for your sake I am wrong in my opinion.

It still does not sound healthy to me. Why are you having to "mommy" your fiancé telling him what is and is not appropriate behavior? Is that his new hook to keep you around? How only you can help him to learn?

I do not think he loves you. I think he loves you hanging around doing things for him. So he will say and do whatever to keep getting those services from you. Tell you whatever sweet pretty song you want to hear. :(

This would be my recommendation....

1) Talk all this over with a counselor locally to help you get your bearings and more perspective. Learn what healthy relationship is. Two days is too short a time to fully get over cheating blow job, standing you up to go to hospital with heroin lady and bar with Beth, and Open the relationship from solid foundations.

I get the vibe he is badgering and you fold just to get him to stop badgering.

Or rushing you along.

2) Do not try to poly with lying, unreliable, untrustworthy him just because you do not want to break up or because you want some kind of "normal" back. Time out and really think this out with a counselor.

All these rules you are making are to help keep you emotionally safe because you basically do not trust him. And rightly so you do not trust him. There is nothing trustworthy sounding about his way of going!

This behavior makes him a great sounding poly partner to you? And this is the BEST time to Open? After he has cheated with heroin lady?

Could not keep trying to keep flying a thing that will not fly... Just more of same in more complicated ways and with MORE people on the line when the crash and burn comes. :(

You are not at final acceptance. I get that. It's only been 2 days. Rather than learn about poly, I would say learn about grief process and how to heal from cheating. Deal with first things first.

People can cheat on their poly agreements, you know. Poly is not a solution for his cheating.

3) Think what dumping him could mean with counselor. Healing. Dating others eventually. If you want to poly then? Picking your partners better next time. Those with honesty and integrity.

Breaking up sucks, but the benefits could be worth the price of admission. This one? This one is a mess! No great prize to cling to.

You have worth, dignity, and value. If he does not treat you with respect? You can. Because you deserve it from everyone you choose to hang out with. Including yourself. Stop hanging out with those who do not treat you respectfully. And if you are not treating yourself with respect? Start.

It begins by you taking care of grieving you. No new life changing decisions at this time. Instead seek care.

4) If you are determined to go there at this time, make sure you have your own separate finances and income stream. Not connected to him so he cannot close the accounts on you and cut you off from your money. Then you and kid can bail and move to a new apartment if it goes bad. Stuck living with and dependent on an ex is not a place you want to be.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hello Eventually,

If it will help, I can list some web links that might help you with the jealousy:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

How To Contain The Green Monster
Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

I don't know how well things will work out with Beth, I am just taking an optimistic stance because I think it's what you desire at this time.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top