Advidce for an Outsider?

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1234CorgiGal

New member
I Hope this is the right forum to post this in!

I have be vaguely introduced to the idea of a polyamorous person for a while now, but I never really considered it for myself until recently.

I want to start by saying that I am married, and I love my husband very much. I don't intend on cheating on him, he has been really wonderful to me and I want a long life with him. We have had conversations about cheating and polyamory before, nothing serious, just chatting. I am a really open minded person so I could see how polyamory works. My husband, on the other hand, said he would have problems with jealousy and possessiveness (understandable).

But getting to the point, I am starting to have feelings for a friend of mine, a woman. We have been friends for about a year or so, and it hasn't been anything but plutonic friendship until recently. I find myself more and more attracted to her as well as being really excited to see her and smiling when she calls or texts me. I don't think she knows how my feelings have grown for her, we haven't talked about it, but I have a suspicion that if I wasn't married we would be something more.

So I guess what I want some advice on is how to move forward. Emotionally I feel like I would want pursue these feelings I have for my friend, but rationally I know that this could damage my marriage. My marriage is more important than these feelings, but when I think about ignoring these feelings I feel like I am not being honest and I am sacrificing a part of who I am to keep my husband happy.

I feel like my options are...

A. Do nothing, ignore how I feel, try and focus on the great relationship I have, and accept that this isn't a part of myself I get to explore.

B. Tell my husband and suffer the consequences of his feelings being hurt, but possibly get to pursue this relationship. ( although I don't think being able to pursue this new relationship is all that likely...)

So, ignore my feelings or be honest about them? Advice, help?
 
I have lots to say, having been in a similar place once upon a time, but first I'm curious why you call yourself an outsider.

Second, your perspective is presently based on how others feel and others' reactions to you. I encourage you to focus on what resonates for you as you explore the options. You can't go wrong being true to yourself, but you similar make yourself all kinds of crazy trying to please others and perform favorably for their affections. Your friend has awakened feelings in you, but she is not the source of your feelings, your source lives within you. Don't base your explorations (research, reading, etc.) on how you imagine your friend and your husband will react, but on what feels true for you. I would offer you an Option C:

C. Read and explore on my own, taking it slow and allowing myself time to absorb new perspectives and new possibilities. When I feel moved to, talk with others, but not in order to gain approval (or "rejection"), but to share my experience, knowing all the while that there is no deadline and no rush. My explorations of what I want in my life are not dependent on what anyone else allows me to have.
 
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Well as to your first question, I feel like as a Monogamous Heterosexual Female, who really hasn't been anything but, I am kind of on the outside looking in on an alternative lifestyle. I also feel like there is so much I don't know (about myself, about polyamory).

I think that that is pretty good advice. I think I know deep down I should do what rings true to me, but I find it hard to really know what I want. Your right about these feelings coming from me and not from my friend. It makes me questions my emotions. "Do I really like her? Am I searching for something I'm not getting from my husband? Is this really about them or just something in myself manifesting this way?". Although I have to say, I don't think that I would be feeling like this about just anyone, and if my friend wasn't into me, I wouldn't look for another partner.

I like your option c, but the only thing I find difficult is the rejection. I'm not so worried about my friend, but I am afraid to even broach the subject with my husband because I don't want to hurt him, and in turn hurt myself.
 
1234CorgiGal said:
I like your option c, but the only thing I find difficult is the rejection. I'm not so worried about my friend, but I am afraid to even broach the subject with my husband because I don't want to hurt him, and in turn hurt myself.
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Then this is your work right now: explore what all of that fear is about. If I were a psychic, I'd say that your friend has come into your life to illuminate questions you have about the extent to which you'll let fear run the show. Fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of loss, fear of...? Work on these questions, not on the specific people involved.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

Emotionally I feel like I would want pursue these feelings I have for my friend, but rationally I know that this could damage my marriage. My marriage is more important than these feelings, but when I think about ignoring these feelings I feel like I am not being honest and I am sacrificing a part of who I am to keep my husband happy.
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Here is option D: "Tell your hubby you have a crush on woman. Do NOT pursue. Just express."

(Telling you have a crush) is not (you going out to date her) or (you changing the marriage agreements) or (you cheating.)

Those are all separate things. Telling about your crush is you expressing your current state honestly and authentically. It's not going to be a surprise since you have talked before about polyamory and your views on cheating. He knows you are not going to run out and cheat.

He's your husband. He's not up for listening to what's going on in your inner life? Is that not part of the Marriage Deal you two have going? He listens to your stuff? And you listen to his stuff?

Tell my husband and suffer the consequences of his feelings being hurt
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This seems to assume he'd be hurt. What if he's just "Oh. Ok. Thanks for sharing." Then what?

What consequences do you think will happen that make you so afraid to be emotionally honest with your spouse? Could you be willing to list them?

Does he normally act out at you when he feels yucky about something? Like toddler temper tantrum? I am confused on that part. :confused:

What's this fear of hurt feelings? Emotions happen. They come and go. Some are fun to feel like sunny days. (ex: happy, excited) Some are not so fun to feel like stormy skies: (mad, sad, scared). Internal weather is just weather -- all feelings all blow over if you let it. Is your spouse not a safe someone to weather it out with?

Galagirl
 
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Hi 1234CorgiGal,

Re (from OP):
"My marriage is more important than these feelings, but when I think about ignoring these feelings I feel like I am not being honest and I am sacrificing a part of who I am to keep my husband happy."
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I think you have to decide which is more important to you: expressing yourself honestly or playing it safe with your husband? It doesn't look like you can do both.

I agree with GalaGirl that you don't have to pursue things with the woman who's your friend just because you confess to your husband that you have these feelings. I think you could start by confessing to him, and then work with him a little at a time.

Re:
"My husband, on the other hand, said he would have problems with jealousy and possessiveness."
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Ah but he didn't say the problems would be impossible to overcome. The truth is most polyamorists struggle with jealousy from time to time. Jealousy and possessiveness can actually be opportunities to dig down into your psyche. Where are the feelings coming from? What's causing them? What does that mean and what would you like to do about it?

Just some thoughts for now.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
HappilyFallenAngel

The root of my fear comes from losing my husband. I love him and our life together and I don't want to lose it.

GalaGirl

Coincidentally Option D came up last night! I was out with my friends (crush) and some others for dinner and a movie. When I got home we were chatting and he asked me if I had a crush on her and I admitted that I did. He giggled and took it pretty well. But I wasn't being 100% honest, I didn't tell him that I wanted to pursue them or that I have been thinking this much about it.

If I did fess up entirely, I would be afraid that he would be hurt. I think he would feel like he isn't enough for me (he's used this phrase before). I'd be afraid that he wouldn't understand how I feel and that it would cause problems that we couldn't fix. We've been through a lot, and we can get past almost everything, but IDK about stepping out of monogamy. He might be too hurt. I am afraid to lose him.

He doesn't ever throw temper tantrums, he gets passionate when we argue sometimes, but no more than I do.

kdt26417

I actually feel the same way about Jealousy and Possessiveness, but my husband doesn't seem to. I don't know if its right to try and force him to change either.
 
Certainly forcing him to change him would be a bad thing, assuming it could even be possible. I guess my idea was just talking about it with him from time to time. Sometimes repeated exposure to something helps us start to relax about it. If this is something he wants to relax about, that is.
 
Earlier you were afraid to tell him about a crush because you thought he'd be hurt. (your doom prediction)
Then he ASKS you, and you tell him, and he giggles and thinks it is cute. (his actual feelings)

If I did fess up entirely, I would be afraid that he would be hurt. I think he would feel like he isn't enough for me (he's used this phrase before). I'd be afraid that he wouldn't understand how I feel and that it would cause problems that we couldn't fix. We've been through a lot, and we can get past almost everything, but IDK about stepping out of monogamy. He might be too hurt. I am afraid to lose him.
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Most of that seems to be said through YOU fear lens. I am having a hard time seeing which is your feelings and which is his. Mostly I see you projecting your idea of his feelings on to him. And you think doom. Where his ACTUAL feelings are unknown because you don't want to ask. You will answer if he asks first, but you don't want to ask first yourself.

So just to clarify...

  • You do not want to ask him because you think he won't understand your feelings.
  • You are also afraid that if you ask to pursue he will say "I am not willing to participate in a polyship. I am not able to do that. I prefer Closed."
  • You are also afraid that he'd up and dump you over it just for bringing it up.

Is that it? :confused:

To me it sounds like you could be selling him short. And like you are in the habit of predicting doom.

  • He didn't seem to mind you having a crush on the friend.
  • You say he's not a acting out kind of guy.
  • You say that you guys managed to work through other things in the past.

I'm not sure why you are focused on doom "what if maybe" things in your head rather than on those good things that have actually HAPPENED? :confused:

He might not be up for Opening the marriage at this time, but he sounds willing to be closer and more Open with YOU and understand you in your context. Which is what you were saying earlier that you feel stifled by. That you cannot express yourself. And now you say you are afraid to because he won't understand you. The person blocking you from expressing yourself is who? You. :(

If you aren't talking, he cannot mind reader. So he CANNOT understand you in context even if he wants to because you aren't coloring in the picture. YKWIM?

Is he doing anything that makes you think he's not a safe person to share things with? What's this fear thing about?

Galagirl
 
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