Confused, falling head over heels for my secondary

C

cr89

New member
Basic background: I'm married with two children by my husband (A). We recently opened our marriage and I have a boyfriend (B). It's been a little rocky lately because B has a baby with another woman who is very manipulative, he's been at odds with her for some time over custody etc. Anyway, so he is under some stress. He is also mono and sometimes feels a little strange about our arrangement. A and B are also very close friends, we all three spend time together and have gotten very close. Their friendship seems stressed though, it seems to be more comfortable if B and I go out to spend time together rather than being affectionate at home. It doesn't bother A at all, but I think B is uncomfortable with it or perceives A to be upset when he isn't.

Anyway, B and I were apart for nearly two months, and just got back together before I went out of town. I have been gone for a week now, with another week to go. More and more, I am finding that I sincerely miss B and yearn to talk to him. It's frustrating because he is a very solitary person, and he doesn't get service at home so chances to communicate are limited. The thing is, I don't really miss A that much. Maybe it's the newness of reconnecting with B, maybe I'm just so comfortable with A as we've been together for many years. I feel immensely guilty about it. It makes me second guess being poly, maybe I am simply falling for B instead of A? I still cherish A and i's relationship, and of course our children. And my head knows B isn't necessarily a sure thing, but my heart won't listen.

I hope I'm making sense. I'm just confused with B, and with my own feelings. I had just gotten to the point of being almost over him, when we got back together. I made sure to talk it through with him, and make my concerns very clear. He seemed very open to what I was telling him and insisted this is what he wanted as well, and he work on being more communicative. It doesn't seem to be the case though. I have always believed that if someone wants to talk to you or be with you, they'll put in the effort to make it happen. It seems that way when we are together in person, but not really when we are apart. This is probably more for myself than anything, but feel free to chime in with thoughts or experiences. Just feeling confused and disheartened.
 
You might find it helpful to search for 'NRE' or New Relationship Energy. That's a term poly folks made up to describe the euphoric feelings and strong connecting vibes that often happen during the beginning of a relationship. You might be experiencing NRE with B - there is nothing wrong with that but it's like being a little high. You don't want to make any firm decisions while in that state. (Generally speaking, NRE can last from 6 months to over 2 years.) It doesn't necessarily mean that you don't love or want your husband any more. Just that he is familiar and 'normal' to you. If everything else is good with your husband, I wouldn't worry about that right now. Just be careful to do what you can to meet his needs for intimacy and connection with you too, even though he is the 'old relationship.' (There is also a thing called ORE - yep, old relationship energy - that can happen when old connections are rekindled or strengthened.)

Also, try to find 'The Five Love Languages' by Chapman. They are Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Words of Affirmation. People have different ways of showing and feeling loved. Some people need touch (Physical Touch), others (like me) need time with loved ones (Quality Time). Most people are 'stronger' in one or two. B may express and feel love very differently from you. Read it over (or google Five Love Languages and look at his website) and see if that helps you understand if B is trying but just not communicating in ways you can understand (and vice versa) or if he is truly checking out.
 
Thank you for the reading recommendation, I will definitely look into it. A and I talk about it a lot and we vary between believing B is just too stressed right now and "checking out" as you say, or that he is just a very solitary person who doesn't communicate like we do. I will definitely read up on that, while B and I are spending time together the feelings are very real and present, so I'm hoping I am just missing something here.

As for A and I, I suspect I may not be meeting his needs exactly. I did FaceTime with him last night and we had a great conversation. I totally understand the feeling of NRE, I'm sure that's a big part of how I'm feeling.
 
Ditto what Opalescent wrote, plus...

B might be very similar to how I am with regard to frequency of communications. So, I'll tell you how it is for me. I am someone who just doesn't need nor want daily contact with a lover, no matter how much I am crazy about them. I think about people I am close to quite a lot, but if there was ever an expectation or demand placed on me to be in touch frquently, it would feel oppressive to me. If I am in a relationship where we get together once or twice a week, for example, I wouldn't expect to have conversations or contact much more often than that, maybe three times a week at most - and that includes contact that is basically logistics/planning for the next time we can see each other. In general, I'm rather introverted and even if my feelings of love and affection for someone are quite deep, contact two or three times a week would feel like a lot, actually. I can go for several weeks at a time not seeing a lover, with maybe just one or two texts to say hello, and be fine. It doesn't mean I am not thinking about them nor that I'm not looking forward to seeing them. I just don't dig a lot of contact in between seeing someone in person. I just pick up where we left off.
 
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nycindie said:
Ditto what Opalescent wrote, plus...

B might be very similar to how I am with regard to frequency of communications. So, I'll tell you how it is for me. I am someone who just doesn't need nor want daily contact with a lover, no matter how much I am crazy about them. I think about people I am close to quite a lot, but if there was ever an expectation or demand placed on me to be in touch frquently, it would feel oppressive to me. If I am in a relationship where we get together once or twice a week, for example, I wouldn't expect to have conversations or contact much more often than that, maybe three times a week at most - and that includes contact that is basically logistics/planning for the next time we can see each other. In general, I'm rather introverted and even if my feelings of love and affection for someone are quite deep, contact two or three times a week would feel like a lot, actually. I can go for several weeks at a time not seeing a lover, with maybe just one or two texts to say hello, and be fine. It doesn't mean I am not thinking about them nor that I'm not looking forward to seeing them. I just don't dig a lot of contact in between seeing someone in person. I just pick up where we left off.
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I appreciate your input! Yes this is very likely. He seems to be very "there" in person, but then very distant via text which is the only other way we really communicate. It makes me wonder though what was going on in the beginning when we would have long conversations virtually every evening, perhaps the newness wore off much more quickly for him than for me?

My next question would be, if your lover were a person who really valued that type of communication, and voiced their concerns to you, would you make an attempt to meet them halfway? This is basically the conversation that we had, that I felt ignored etc (which actually preceded our breakup last time, so it has a negative feeling for me). I acknowledged that he is someone who likes his space, but asked that he communicate that to me instead of just falling off the face of the earth. He said he would try and be more communicative.
 
Is this the same guy? The one trying to make a life with the baby's mom? Is that still the plan? Have things changed since April with that plan or is it basically the same?

On the communication front, it continues to be a problem like before. I mean this kindly, and I could be wrong...

But I wonder if you are not done grieving the break up in April and are in the "bargaining" stage of the grief stages... trying to still make it work? :confused:

On a spectrum, say 1 is not very chatty and 10 is super chatty. If the personality gap is small, it can be bridged with some compromise and without too much "pinch on either side." A 6 and a 7 can manage that.

A 1 and a 10 are going to have a hard time and it might be easier to accept they are just too different to make it fly. If you are asking him to be super uncomfortable so you can be comfortable? Or he's comfortable and you are super uncomfortable? Those are BIG pinches. Probably too big. :(

Galagirl
 
cr89 said:
My next question would be, if your lover were a person who really valued that type of communication, and voiced their concerns to you, would you make an attempt to meet them halfway? This is basically the conversation that we had, that I felt ignored etc (which actually preceded our breakup last time, so it has a negative feeling for me). I acknowledged that he is someone who likes his space, but asked that he communicate that to me instead of just falling off the face of the earth. He said he would try and be more communicative.
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Hmm, to be honest, no. I likely would not make an adjustment in how often I communicate with a lover if they requested that of me. I would rather make such an adjustment on my own, if I see that doing so seems appropriate, without any expectation placed on me - because my autonomy is important to me, and being told a lover is unhappy unless I change my behavior feels like a demand. Honestly, a person who needs daily or frequent contact wouldn't be very compatible with me, especially if they are the type of person who blames their feelings on how I live my life.
 
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Yea same guy. Let's see, that was end of March/beg of April. That plan with baby mama only lasted a couple of weeks, like I said in that post she is very manipulative. She only kept him around for his money, he finally seemed to see what was going on and cut her off completely, thereby limiting his chances to see his daughter. Early May he was confiding in A and I, his two closest real friends here. He came over last weekend to hang out, and B and I seemed to pick up right where we left off. We are like magnets, no matter how hard we try to "just be friends". However, I made it crystal clear to him that I wasn't going to fall into the same thing we had before. If he really wanted to do this again, I wanted to do it right. We had a couple of good conversations, he was clear that this is what he wanted. He understood the communication gap and would work with me, and I with him. We didn't sleep together (although not for lack of effort of his part...) per my request. But we had a wonderful weekend, really connected again. And now this distant lack of communication. I'm torn between believing two things:

-- He doesn't exactly mean what he says in person, he's wanting the security of "love" on his own terms, and probably the sex to go with it although I'm not sure that's his sole motivation. He feels drawn to me because I am the idea of what he's always wanted, a loving wife and mother to his children. This will never work.

-- He truly loves me for who I am and wants to be with me, but is torn by his own ideas of monogamy and the "right" life. He's so distracted and stressed out by his situation with his baby that he can't focus on another relationship right now, although when he's around me he wants it badly. He really is quite a private person, and the communication gap is something we would both have to really try to work on. It may work, but it will be very difficult and likely to fail many times.

Well. I guess it's pretty obvious in either case isn't it?
 
He understood the communication gap and would work with me, and I with him.
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That sounds like you both made a new agreement.

we had a wonderful weekend, really connected again. And now this distant lack of communication.
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And then almost immediately he started not following through on keeping up his side of it.


  • He comes over after baby mama drama.
  • Then he tells you nice stuff you like hearing while trying to get to have sex with you. (Agreements made NOT in good faith?)
  • Then after the weekend is over and no sex, he takes off again.

Was all the pretty talk just to try to get in your pants to use sex with you to soothe himself after drama with baby mama? (I am sorry I cannot think of a nicer way to say that. :( )

Is he off to find an easier target for the attention supply? Now that you have set boundaries and have become a harder "supply" source? I would wonder.

It would be one thing if he said this is how he is up front and was consistent.

But saying one thing and doing another -- that's just not trustworthy. Or rather... you could trust that his word is flaky (even when it sounds good) and not allow yourself to buy it.

Well. I guess it's pretty obvious in either case isn't it?
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Yup. Not a runner at this time. Not a runner before. Probably not a runner in future.

I think it is healthier for you just not to go there with him. He's... messy.

Galagirl
 
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I think you hit the nail, messy is just about the most appropriate term for him.

After all this reflection and conversation with A (B's closest friend), I think B and I have two very different ideas about what this is. He just wants to have fun, in and out of the bedroom. I thought it was more like a real relationship. I have to decide if I am okay with that, I'm really not sure, it would mean a huge change in perspective for me when I've been thinking he wants something different this whole time. I do enjoy the fun we have, but I'm not sure I can just be essentially friends with benefits
 
Think on it a while then so you can discern.

But anything less than a "joyous 'I would LOVE to be FWB!' kinda of yes?"

Could call it a "no" and give it a pass with the messy dude.

Be friends without benefits and keep life simpler for you. YKWIM?

Galagirl
 
Yea trouble is, we've tried friends WITHOUT benefits. It just doesn't work, we are drawn to each other. It happens over and over. I really think it's going to boil down to either friends with benefits, or not really speaking. The latter would be difficult to say the least, A and B are best friends. And frankly, I like having him around. I'm leaning more toward friends with benefits, but luckily I have some time to figure it out. I'm still out of town for another week, and when I'm back he will be out of town. It'll be probably two weeks before we can even see each other again. Lots of time to reflect. I think we just had two very different ideas of what this was, and we weren't on the same page. If I find that I am comfortable being that casual with him, and we talk and agree that's that's all it is, I'm sure it would be a much simpler thing to maintain KWIM?
 
I could be wrong, but to me it sounds like you are in bargaining stage. Flipping it this way and that trying to make it still go even though you know it's unhealthy. Like "I know it's bad, but it's not THAT bad if only a little bit...." bargaining stuff. And he's happy to cross boundaries while you let him.

How long did you try no contact to heal and allow the process of detachment? Before trying to re-engage as friends only? What behaviors are in the "friends only bucket" to you? Were you both sticking to those?

It just doesn't work, we are drawn to each other.
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Neither of you is able to exercise self control and respect personal boundaries and keep it in the friend zone? NOT talk about being attracted, sex, kissing, hugging, starting a romance? NOT engage in sex, kissing, hugging, etc? Baffling.

Galagirl
 
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It was about two months there, when we were going to just be friends. Maybe it wasn't long enough, but like I've said A and B are best friends, I can't expect him to never come over. Maybe I should've left the house? I don't know. Maybe I'm bargaining? I prefer to think I'm weighing my options and deciding what's right for everyone involved. Is it "wrong" to be content as FWB? I honestly don't know if I would be, which is what I'm trying to sort out. The unhealthy part was believing we had something that maybe we didn't, and then being hurt when it didn't meet expectations. It could have been him being flaky, it could have been a miscommunication. Like I said, a lot of unknowns and a lot to sort out.
 
You know your situation best.

I'm just saying that if it were me in those shoes?

Messy dude + me wanting more than FWB when he doesn't = not a match for me.

I want what I want how I want it. I am ok not getting it right now if I cannot have it how I want. I rather give it a pass than try to "make do" with "not what I really want." I can wait for a better match to come along.

He can hang with my hubby and do their friend thing. I'll be polite and say hi/bye, but I'll be doing my own things. Watching TV, reading, gardening, going out with my pals, having my own pal over, etc. I could even join them in watching a movie. I would just exercise my self control and my boundaries around him. Keep my behaviors and conversation firmly in the friend zone.

Galagirl
 
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Hi cr89,

It's possible B was sincere when he said he'd do better at communicating; maybe he had every intention of doing better, but then he let this and that get in the way until lo and behold, he wasn't keeping his word.

To me he doesn't sound like a reach-out kind of guy. Probably never will be. You have to decide if that's something you can tolerate in your relationship with him. You will have to be the one who does all the reaching out. B will probably be welcoming but won't reciprocate. Not that there's something wrong with you or him, just that you're different kinds of people in that way.

Don't know if that helps, but I thought I'd throw my 2¢ in.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Yes that's entirely possible, he does after all have a lot going on with his baby etc and work. He's flying right now (Navy) so I'm just going to leave it until I see him again in a week or two. After giving it a lot of thought the past few days, I'm open to trying a more casual approach with him, as long as he and I are clear that's what this is. When we are together he makes it seem much less casual than I believe he might actually be up for at this point, which makes it very confusing for me. It's the confusion I can't stand more than anything.
 
Well keep us posted, sounds like you and B have some talking to do.
 
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