candyharlot
New member
My primary, A, and I have been dating for nearly two years. Started out open, were monogamous for a few months to figure out boundaries and structure moving forward, then when we returned we decided to go poly. We thought it would be more rewarding for both of us to have this kind of relationship, which he is wired for. His ideal relationship structure doesn’t look hierarchical but mine does. I said I would be willing to try his style (at it’s core it’s relationship anarchy) and see if it’s something I could handle. I did not, however, make any promises.
8 months later and I am not handling it well. This is my first poly relationship and I’m finding out the hard way that I have limits I didn’t even know I had, that I could never possibly predict. His other partner, C, is extremely different from me and as much as she and I try to overcome it and be friends, we just speak a different language and have such different perspectives. She and him have very similar views as far as poly goes, very different from mine (which are pretty conservative compared to some.) I’m reminded of this all the time by her.
After 9 months of them dating, things are serious and they’re in love (or at least, she is in love with him.) We’re now looking at her becoming a co-primary, which wasn’t something he said he was looking for but it’s here. The idea terrifies me and I’m not sure if it’s something I can do after all. I wasn’t expecting it to be this invasive, or feel this violated by his other partner. I am already struggling to be around her and she makes me highly anxious. She is a good person but she presses my buttons in all the wrong ways and vice versa. Seeing them being affectionate makes me feel sick. I have a history of insecurities and jealousy but it’s never been quite this bad.
A’s view of the situation is that I agreed that it was okay to have a co-primary and so he went for it. And he did let me know the relationship was progressing as it went along. I just didn’t realize what kind of progression it was until she and I started talking more. Now I’m feeling uncomfortable and like a lot of the boundaries A and I set up have been breached. And when I say I’m not okay with it, I’m pressured to become okay with it. Even if I just can’t. I recently told him that I think I have hard limits, and his response was, “I didn’t agree to be in a relationship with hard limits. All of your limits you said you would be willing to work on and that’s why I agreed to this.” And it’s true, I have worked on many, many of them and have been able to get past a lot.
An aside to all of this is that A and I are having an extremely hard time communicating as well. He is very very frustrated with me because I’ve been acting so insecure and terrified and his patience is thin. He doesn't listen to me at all when I'm upset lately, he just leaves or hangs up the phone. In addition, he has felt like I have attacked him over his sexuality by “demanding” sex from him (which I have never done, but he feels that I have), expressing anxiety over his acts with other women, and by getting upset when he rejects me 9 times out of 10. I feel this overwhelming unattractiveness around him that’s impossible to shake these days and I can barely even look at him sometimes. He has a high sex drive, I know it’s just me he has the problem with. He is having sex with C every time he sees her unless I’m around. He and I will sometimes go two weeks without any intimate contact and that is extremely, extremely detrimental to me. Sexual intimacy is the #1 way I connect with my partners. I know, it shouldn’t be. But it is.
We are currently in therapy but it doesn’t seem to be working lately. I’m not sure what to do at this point. Half of me thinks I should just lay out what I’m not okay with and the kind of relationship I want and compromise with him again on boundaries. My wants and needs have changed. His haven’t. His are just becoming more apparent since he’s with a partner who encourages him to do what makes him happy. And as he keeps telling me, "I don't think you realize how much I'm putting on the back burner to be with you." I’m scared of a lot of the things that make him happy, honestly. They aren’t things that help me feel remotely secure in the relationship.
I am not wired for poly and I have been trying hard this whole time to try to make it work for us but I’ve hit a wall. I am so far outside my comfort zone that I feel like I have no foundation anymore. I’m terrified and I’ve been getting sick every month or two because I’ve been so out of my mind with stress over this.
Is there anything that anyone can recommend that I do? I am so out of my depth right now and don’t have many support systems I can turn to that won’t leak into my social group. I'm sorry if this is scatterbrained, I've been crying most of the day. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you in advance.
8 months later and I am not handling it well. This is my first poly relationship and I’m finding out the hard way that I have limits I didn’t even know I had, that I could never possibly predict. His other partner, C, is extremely different from me and as much as she and I try to overcome it and be friends, we just speak a different language and have such different perspectives. She and him have very similar views as far as poly goes, very different from mine (which are pretty conservative compared to some.) I’m reminded of this all the time by her.
After 9 months of them dating, things are serious and they’re in love (or at least, she is in love with him.) We’re now looking at her becoming a co-primary, which wasn’t something he said he was looking for but it’s here. The idea terrifies me and I’m not sure if it’s something I can do after all. I wasn’t expecting it to be this invasive, or feel this violated by his other partner. I am already struggling to be around her and she makes me highly anxious. She is a good person but she presses my buttons in all the wrong ways and vice versa. Seeing them being affectionate makes me feel sick. I have a history of insecurities and jealousy but it’s never been quite this bad.
A’s view of the situation is that I agreed that it was okay to have a co-primary and so he went for it. And he did let me know the relationship was progressing as it went along. I just didn’t realize what kind of progression it was until she and I started talking more. Now I’m feeling uncomfortable and like a lot of the boundaries A and I set up have been breached. And when I say I’m not okay with it, I’m pressured to become okay with it. Even if I just can’t. I recently told him that I think I have hard limits, and his response was, “I didn’t agree to be in a relationship with hard limits. All of your limits you said you would be willing to work on and that’s why I agreed to this.” And it’s true, I have worked on many, many of them and have been able to get past a lot.
An aside to all of this is that A and I are having an extremely hard time communicating as well. He is very very frustrated with me because I’ve been acting so insecure and terrified and his patience is thin. He doesn't listen to me at all when I'm upset lately, he just leaves or hangs up the phone. In addition, he has felt like I have attacked him over his sexuality by “demanding” sex from him (which I have never done, but he feels that I have), expressing anxiety over his acts with other women, and by getting upset when he rejects me 9 times out of 10. I feel this overwhelming unattractiveness around him that’s impossible to shake these days and I can barely even look at him sometimes. He has a high sex drive, I know it’s just me he has the problem with. He is having sex with C every time he sees her unless I’m around. He and I will sometimes go two weeks without any intimate contact and that is extremely, extremely detrimental to me. Sexual intimacy is the #1 way I connect with my partners. I know, it shouldn’t be. But it is.
We are currently in therapy but it doesn’t seem to be working lately. I’m not sure what to do at this point. Half of me thinks I should just lay out what I’m not okay with and the kind of relationship I want and compromise with him again on boundaries. My wants and needs have changed. His haven’t. His are just becoming more apparent since he’s with a partner who encourages him to do what makes him happy. And as he keeps telling me, "I don't think you realize how much I'm putting on the back burner to be with you." I’m scared of a lot of the things that make him happy, honestly. They aren’t things that help me feel remotely secure in the relationship.
I am not wired for poly and I have been trying hard this whole time to try to make it work for us but I’ve hit a wall. I am so far outside my comfort zone that I feel like I have no foundation anymore. I’m terrified and I’ve been getting sick every month or two because I’ve been so out of my mind with stress over this.
Is there anything that anyone can recommend that I do? I am so out of my depth right now and don’t have many support systems I can turn to that won’t leak into my social group. I'm sorry if this is scatterbrained, I've been crying most of the day. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you in advance.
