Hi all, new here -
First, thanks for this wonderful resource of community and advice. I've been reading for a bit before joining.
_____________________
background:
My bf and I are in an open relationship. It started about 9 months ago, long distance. It was my bf's idea - we're known each other for 13 years, "dated" in hs at the ages of 14, had a month-long fling in between there when we were 20 (a rebound after a break up for me). He's says he's always known how well we fit together and that's why it stung so bad when I refused to give him the serious time of day any of the past 13 years. And when we reconnected last summer (ages 26), I fell so hard so fast. It was as if I had known all along he was one of the best fits for me I had ever seen, I had just been repressing those feelings for years.
So we started out long distance this way. I was home visiting for a month, and then left to go abroad and finish my job. Neither one of us is suited for long distance. It brings out the worst in me - I can say that because I'm the one speaking - and in my opinion in him, too. He's not great at translating affection and attention and time into something tangible for long distance. The entirety of the fall (September - December) was spent trying to convince him I was serious and wasn't dicking him around again, and him coming to terms with me meaning it. He was an anxious mess. And long distance bring out so many relationship anxieties that I have a history of. General anxiety, worries, anxieties about commitment, fear of losing myself - which all just translates into a needy mess.
He was in a bad 4 year relationship (lived together, she cheated) that ended about 1 year before we started dating. When we started dating, and then the long distance, he lost it a bit and freaked about missing out of life and casual sex and the fun single college life he never had. I suggested cnm (although I didn't know the proper term at the time).
So, through long distance and attempting (both of us) our first real tries at cnm, it's been a struggle. He's more suited to it in practice; dealing with the emotions comes very easily to him and he's not easily upset. For me, it's been harder - even though I believe I will thrive with cnm, it was so hard to break through those "relationship box rules" that the rest of society abides by/feeds you. Not just cnm though - I have relationship attachment issues, and from January - April I was dealing with depression and anxiety and insomnia. It was a really hard time for me, personally, and I really look it out on my bf, and our open relationship. To the point where he wonders if I'm just "agreeing" to this and going along with it because I'm afraid of losing him. But I'm not. This is honestly a positive thing for me, and I never did well dealing with traditional relationship style anyway. When I realized how horrible I had been to him, myself, and friends around me during my depressed state, I really thought about whether or not this relationship, or him, was something I really wanted. And it is.
sidenote:
I've read The Ethical Slut and Opening Up, and I can't stop journaling and discovering things about myself and I love the idea of breaking down the "ownership" model that so many relationships fall under. I say this to explain that even though I'm having a hard time dealing with some emotions that come from cnm, I am really excited about it, I love learning more, I am dedicated to this as a real lifestyle change for myself and I know that starting out something like this takes time - and that through self-reflection and practice, a lot of those unpleasant emotions and feelings will dissipate.
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situational problem:
okay, now to the actual post. As I said, we were doing long distance. He wanted to be in ny, so we both worked to get there. He got a job and moved about 2 months ago. I searched for jobs, went through interview processes while abroad and found one too - and am moving in less than a week. I'll be living with him and his best friend, C, for the month of June, and then my bf and I will find something for the summer together, and then once fall starts find other arrangements. Neither one of us wants to get lost in this relationship, so we don't want to start out just jumping in living together. But it'll be nice for the summer, because we've spent so much time apart and - I think - It'll be an incredible opportunity to really figure out how cnm will look for us, in practice, in the same physical location - with that extra comfort/padding of living together implying the primacy of our relationship (should add - the partnered nonmonogamy model is the model that most fits what both of us are looking for).
So my bf's roommate, C, has a friend that is interested in casually sleeping with my bf. And these are the emotions I am not sure how to handle. As I left my life abroad, found a job in a city where my bf wanted to be, and he already has been there and has made support systems and networks - I am really put-off by the idea of him sleeping with C's friend. It just feels extremely close to home - especially because I'll be living with C for June.
I brought these emotions up to my bf, and he said I hear you, and I just tried to express how it would make me feel uncomfortable about C, and since I'll be living with her for June, I don't want to be uncomfortable in my own home. He suggested what if C's group of friends is something that we explore together (apparently the group of friends is into casual sex), and I was all for it. -- the shared experiences are something that turns me on, in regards to cnm. Also, the idea of us going together and showing that we do this as a couple, and it's okay and it's not cheating, is really important for me. I thought it was a great compromise, and a great way to handle my discomforts while not limiting him and stopping him from (eventually) sleeping with this girl.
I then asked "so can you hold off until I get there?" (I arrive in 6 days). And my bf didn't handle it well. He thinks I am uncomfortable with everything. To be fair, I am starting out on my cnm journey. I am uncomfortable with a lot, but I am learning how to deal with those emotions, and I have a long-term view that all of this gets better. He seems frustrated that I'm not 7 months down the road in my thinking. I get annoyed because I feel as if he just sees the negatives, the things I get hung up on, and doesn't see or recognize the progress I've been making with cnm.
So what I'm asking is - was I out of line, irrational, holding onto negative emotions that I don't need to keep when I asked him to hold off on sleeping with C's friend until I arrived in ny? I see his side of things, I do: I know he's so afraid of losing his autonomy, he feels like he just wants to have sex and not answer to anyone, and he knows that once I get to ny, we are going to be very focused on each other and have to renegotiate boundaries again, and it would probably be a while (weeks or so) before the opportunity arose again.
Him sleeping with C's friend doesn't really break any of our current boundaries - but it does make me feel really uncomfortable. I know that starting out, some things are going to be uncomfortable and they need to be processed and worked through - is this just one of those things? Is it really not a big deal if he sleeps with C's friend, even though I'm going to be living with C in June? Am I making it a big deal because my discomforts are searching for excuses?
I want him to enjoy and have a good time, and I don't want to limit him. Just as I don't want to be limited. So how do I express those feelings of discomfort to him without making him feel like I'm trapping him, and
was it inappropriate to ask him to hold off until the situation changed (me getting to ny, I'm finally getting that personal attention/time that I haven't been given during long distance) and to have us show up to C's groups of friends together, showing that this (casual sex) is something we approve of and support each other in and practice together. Because, if he does sleep with her before I get there, I might feel weird around C or showing up to C's friends, because of what has transpired with C's friend and my bf. I'd prefer that they (friend group) knew it wasn't cheating, that we practice cnm and we support the other. It just seems like that fact is lost of that group of friends if he sleeps with C's friend before I arrive...but maybe those emotions are displaced.
If you read any parts/all (it was long - I'm sorry if I wrote too much background!) and have thoughts, advice, musings or anything - a huge thank you!
First, thanks for this wonderful resource of community and advice. I've been reading for a bit before joining.
_____________________
background:
My bf and I are in an open relationship. It started about 9 months ago, long distance. It was my bf's idea - we're known each other for 13 years, "dated" in hs at the ages of 14, had a month-long fling in between there when we were 20 (a rebound after a break up for me). He's says he's always known how well we fit together and that's why it stung so bad when I refused to give him the serious time of day any of the past 13 years. And when we reconnected last summer (ages 26), I fell so hard so fast. It was as if I had known all along he was one of the best fits for me I had ever seen, I had just been repressing those feelings for years.
So we started out long distance this way. I was home visiting for a month, and then left to go abroad and finish my job. Neither one of us is suited for long distance. It brings out the worst in me - I can say that because I'm the one speaking - and in my opinion in him, too. He's not great at translating affection and attention and time into something tangible for long distance. The entirety of the fall (September - December) was spent trying to convince him I was serious and wasn't dicking him around again, and him coming to terms with me meaning it. He was an anxious mess. And long distance bring out so many relationship anxieties that I have a history of. General anxiety, worries, anxieties about commitment, fear of losing myself - which all just translates into a needy mess.
He was in a bad 4 year relationship (lived together, she cheated) that ended about 1 year before we started dating. When we started dating, and then the long distance, he lost it a bit and freaked about missing out of life and casual sex and the fun single college life he never had. I suggested cnm (although I didn't know the proper term at the time).
So, through long distance and attempting (both of us) our first real tries at cnm, it's been a struggle. He's more suited to it in practice; dealing with the emotions comes very easily to him and he's not easily upset. For me, it's been harder - even though I believe I will thrive with cnm, it was so hard to break through those "relationship box rules" that the rest of society abides by/feeds you. Not just cnm though - I have relationship attachment issues, and from January - April I was dealing with depression and anxiety and insomnia. It was a really hard time for me, personally, and I really look it out on my bf, and our open relationship. To the point where he wonders if I'm just "agreeing" to this and going along with it because I'm afraid of losing him. But I'm not. This is honestly a positive thing for me, and I never did well dealing with traditional relationship style anyway. When I realized how horrible I had been to him, myself, and friends around me during my depressed state, I really thought about whether or not this relationship, or him, was something I really wanted. And it is.
sidenote:
I've read The Ethical Slut and Opening Up, and I can't stop journaling and discovering things about myself and I love the idea of breaking down the "ownership" model that so many relationships fall under. I say this to explain that even though I'm having a hard time dealing with some emotions that come from cnm, I am really excited about it, I love learning more, I am dedicated to this as a real lifestyle change for myself and I know that starting out something like this takes time - and that through self-reflection and practice, a lot of those unpleasant emotions and feelings will dissipate.
____________________
situational problem:
okay, now to the actual post. As I said, we were doing long distance. He wanted to be in ny, so we both worked to get there. He got a job and moved about 2 months ago. I searched for jobs, went through interview processes while abroad and found one too - and am moving in less than a week. I'll be living with him and his best friend, C, for the month of June, and then my bf and I will find something for the summer together, and then once fall starts find other arrangements. Neither one of us wants to get lost in this relationship, so we don't want to start out just jumping in living together. But it'll be nice for the summer, because we've spent so much time apart and - I think - It'll be an incredible opportunity to really figure out how cnm will look for us, in practice, in the same physical location - with that extra comfort/padding of living together implying the primacy of our relationship (should add - the partnered nonmonogamy model is the model that most fits what both of us are looking for).
So my bf's roommate, C, has a friend that is interested in casually sleeping with my bf. And these are the emotions I am not sure how to handle. As I left my life abroad, found a job in a city where my bf wanted to be, and he already has been there and has made support systems and networks - I am really put-off by the idea of him sleeping with C's friend. It just feels extremely close to home - especially because I'll be living with C for June.
I brought these emotions up to my bf, and he said I hear you, and I just tried to express how it would make me feel uncomfortable about C, and since I'll be living with her for June, I don't want to be uncomfortable in my own home. He suggested what if C's group of friends is something that we explore together (apparently the group of friends is into casual sex), and I was all for it. -- the shared experiences are something that turns me on, in regards to cnm. Also, the idea of us going together and showing that we do this as a couple, and it's okay and it's not cheating, is really important for me. I thought it was a great compromise, and a great way to handle my discomforts while not limiting him and stopping him from (eventually) sleeping with this girl.
I then asked "so can you hold off until I get there?" (I arrive in 6 days). And my bf didn't handle it well. He thinks I am uncomfortable with everything. To be fair, I am starting out on my cnm journey. I am uncomfortable with a lot, but I am learning how to deal with those emotions, and I have a long-term view that all of this gets better. He seems frustrated that I'm not 7 months down the road in my thinking. I get annoyed because I feel as if he just sees the negatives, the things I get hung up on, and doesn't see or recognize the progress I've been making with cnm.
So what I'm asking is - was I out of line, irrational, holding onto negative emotions that I don't need to keep when I asked him to hold off on sleeping with C's friend until I arrived in ny? I see his side of things, I do: I know he's so afraid of losing his autonomy, he feels like he just wants to have sex and not answer to anyone, and he knows that once I get to ny, we are going to be very focused on each other and have to renegotiate boundaries again, and it would probably be a while (weeks or so) before the opportunity arose again.
Him sleeping with C's friend doesn't really break any of our current boundaries - but it does make me feel really uncomfortable. I know that starting out, some things are going to be uncomfortable and they need to be processed and worked through - is this just one of those things? Is it really not a big deal if he sleeps with C's friend, even though I'm going to be living with C in June? Am I making it a big deal because my discomforts are searching for excuses?
I want him to enjoy and have a good time, and I don't want to limit him. Just as I don't want to be limited. So how do I express those feelings of discomfort to him without making him feel like I'm trapping him, and
was it inappropriate to ask him to hold off until the situation changed (me getting to ny, I'm finally getting that personal attention/time that I haven't been given during long distance) and to have us show up to C's groups of friends together, showing that this (casual sex) is something we approve of and support each other in and practice together. Because, if he does sleep with her before I get there, I might feel weird around C or showing up to C's friends, because of what has transpired with C's friend and my bf. I'd prefer that they (friend group) knew it wasn't cheating, that we practice cnm and we support the other. It just seems like that fact is lost of that group of friends if he sleeps with C's friend before I arrive...but maybe those emotions are displaced.
If you read any parts/all (it was long - I'm sorry if I wrote too much background!) and have thoughts, advice, musings or anything - a huge thank you!
