I don't know what to do. This guy is a friend of both me and my current partner. My partner is okay with me being poly, but my friend doesn't even seem to know exactly what it is an thought I was suggesting a threesome... (that was... awkward). I know he likes me, but I can't get him to admit it, and even if I could get him to confess how he really feels, how could I possible get him to become involved with me when he's not poly? I can't... I'm not asking for advice on how to get someone to date me, because I'm smart enough to know that you can't force anyone to do anything, I just want some advice on how to maybe talk to him? Get him to understand without pushing the issue? How to cope with loving someone who doesn't share your kind of orientation/lifestyle? It's extremely painful and I'm really tired of feeling helpless in this. Any advice or words of wisdom you can offer would be very much appreciated. And yes, I am new to the poly lifestyle.
In love with someone who doesn't even know what polyamory is.
- Thread starter Anomoly
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WhatHappened
Active member
What do you want him to understand? What poly is? Having multiple relationships. There's not much more to it than that, really, for him to understand. If he doesn't want to date you, does it really matter how much he understands it, or are you hoping that if he understands it better, he'll change his mind?
SchrodingersCat
Active member
Most people have a pretty good understanding of what monogamy is. You can start there: polyamory is a form of non-monogamy. Then explain that instead of threesomes or wife swapping, which is just about sex, polyamory is like having two boyfriends or two girlfriends.
Some people understand it better as something like consensual cheating, but that's dangerous territory because cheating is wrong and you don't want to create those associations if you can avoid it.
As for the being in love with someone who isn't available... well that's one of the oldest stories in the book. The reason why he's unavailable isn't important, you get over it the same way as if he was monogamous and married, or gay, or whatever.
Some people understand it better as something like consensual cheating, but that's dangerous territory because cheating is wrong and you don't want to create those associations if you can avoid it.
As for the being in love with someone who isn't available... well that's one of the oldest stories in the book. The reason why he's unavailable isn't important, you get over it the same way as if he was monogamous and married, or gay, or whatever.
If I'm being completely honest with myself, I probably am just hoping he'll change his mind. I mean, the main hang up for him is that I'm in a relationship and he doesn't really understand that when I say "I'm polyamorous" I don't mean "I'm willing to cheat on my boyfriend with you" or "come have a threeway with me and my boyfriend". I guess I just want him to understand that I'm not like THAT, specifically... I dunno. Ultimately I think it is just me wanting to change his mind.
Yeah, I think you're pretty much spot-on with everything.
Bluebird
Well-known member
You can explain, I suppose, that he doesn't have to change his relationship style to be with you - both my guys are monogamous. However, if he wants a wife and kids and a picket fence, etc. or if he doesn't want to keep your relationship a secret from everyone, or he doesn't want to disappoint family and friends by not having a regular relationship and you aren't able to provide any or all of that, then there is just a basic incompatibility there that can't be overcome.
I had a huge crush on a guy for a long while that I think I would have been perfect for, and everyone that knows him thought I would be great with him, but he couldn't overcome the fact that I was already married. It didn't matter that it didn't matter to my husband or I, it mattered to him. He is still holding out for the idealized version of a monogamous pairing, and I wish him the best at it. Because he is allowed to want that, even if so think he is overlooking a different structure that would be absolutely awesome for us both. But you can't make it happen if the other person refuses...
I had a huge crush on a guy for a long while that I think I would have been perfect for, and everyone that knows him thought I would be great with him, but he couldn't overcome the fact that I was already married. It didn't matter that it didn't matter to my husband or I, it mattered to him. He is still holding out for the idealized version of a monogamous pairing, and I wish him the best at it. Because he is allowed to want that, even if so think he is overlooking a different structure that would be absolutely awesome for us both. But you can't make it happen if the other person refuses...
Yeah that's pretty much my story right there. I understand that I can't make anyone feel or not feel a certain way. It just sucks is all. :/
IndieSolo
Active member
Are you sure you're "in love" with this friend, or is it just a crush? I think it's important not to let yourself get carried away with your fantasy life and over-inflate the reality of a situation. Get your feet back on the ground. Disappointment is a fact of life - we can't always get what we want.
Y'know, KISS (Keep It Simple, Sweetie).
And what is preventing you from saying mostly what you wrote above? "Dude, when I say I'm polyamorous, I don't mean I'm willing to cheat on my boyfriend with you or that I want you to have a threeway with me and my boyfriend. I mean that I am interested in having a separate relationship with you and it's okay with my boyfriend if I do."
Y'know, KISS (Keep It Simple, Sweetie).
I care a great deal for him. Maybe "in love" is too strong of a phrase, but I definitely have deep feelings for him. And I guess nothing is preventing me from just coming out and saying it. Sounds easy enough. lol It's just kind of an awkward subject. No matter who I talk to about it. As a dreamer though, my feet will never be fully planted on the ground. lol
Hi Anomoly,
Sometime when the subject comes up or there's an opening, try saying something like, "I just want you to know that I'm not looking to cheat or have a threesome ... I just want a polyamorous relationship. That has to do with emotional attachment, and my partner would have to be okay with it."
Does that help?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Sometime when the subject comes up or there's an opening, try saying something like, "I just want you to know that I'm not looking to cheat or have a threesome ... I just want a polyamorous relationship. That has to do with emotional attachment, and my partner would have to be okay with it."
Does that help?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
SchrodingersCat
Active member
Awesome for you at least. Even if you wish him the best at it, the way you say "holding out for the idealized version of a monogamous pairing" makes it sound like a bad thing, like he's been brainwashed and it's impossible to just innately prefer it. Maybe this guy just wants to be able to wake up beside his love every morning, and that's not possible if he's in a mono-poly relationship.
WhatHappened
Active member
My feelings exactly.
Bluebird
Well-known member
i don't necessarily consider monogamy to be a bad thing, considering that both my loves have so far decided that's the way they prefer to structure their lives. 
Ultimately though, it's a sad, frustrating thing to hold a torch for someone who can't or won't consider you at all. I wish Anomoly the best.
Ultimately though, it's a sad, frustrating thing to hold a torch for someone who can't or won't consider you at all. I wish Anomoly the best.
Thank you