cold feet?

P

polypiesofly

New member
Found a girl that really clicks with both hubby and i. For us, a triad would be ideal, and I really like the way this is going. . But she's moving (emotionally) too fast for me. We really don't know each other at all and she is saying she loves me (I'm going to assume the same way you love birds and the earth. ..not like in love, but it still makes me uncomfortable).. I am very comfortable having sex with a person that I'm not in love with, but she is trying to kiss on me and fawn all over me all day. . I prefer to move slower, but I don't want to hurt or embarrass her, so I'd rather just deal with her infatuation internally instead of confront it head on. It's really making me sort of want to run... I do realize people get infatuated right away sometimes, but it's not mutual, at least not yet.

How can I deal with this without talking to her about it?
 
If oral communication is not your forte?

You could write it down on a piece of paper and hand it over.

Give both limits. Something like...

"I see you really like me a lot. That's great.
  • Stuff like this -- is stuff at a "good volume" for me right now
  • Stuff like this -- is stuff that is too "loud volume" for me right now.

Could you please be willing to keep it within my comfort zone? I want to feel comfortable liking you back. I don't like feeling uncomfortable around you."​

Hopefully she modifies her behavior and puts it somewhere in the comfort zone for you.

I'm afraid if I say anything it will embarrass her, upset her and push get away; which isn't what I want.
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Could trust her to be a grown up about her emotional management. She's not a toddler. She's not going to toddler tantrum. And if she does... maybe you don't want to be dating a toddler tantrum type? Then you would have dodged a bullet and gotten out of it before it gets too deep!

One can be kind and assertive. It's not being aggressive to be up front about how you are doing. She's not a mind reader. Tell her.

Galagirl
 
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polypiesofly said:
I'm afraid if I say anything it will embarrass her, upset her and push get away; which isn't what I want.
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It isn't possible to be authentic AND never hurt someone else. Sometimes we have to tell people things they would really not want to hear, that are embarrassing and upsetting.

But there are ways to do so that are more gentle, that get your point across. So super blunt is not the way to go. Maybe something like:

'I am really enjoying spending time with you, getting to know you, and I really want to see where this goes. I am so glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me that you love me! But I prefer to move pretty slowly emotionally and I feel a bit rushed emotionally. I just need time to see how this goes.'

How she handles this information is going to be really telling. If she freaks out, has a meltdown, is really angry, or is otherwise inappropriate, or has some other outsized reaction - run for the hills. Seriously. But if she has a 'regular' reaction - not overly dramatic, not too invested - if she is hurt and sad but seems to handling herself, continue seeing how things evolve.
 
"I really like you but you are moving too fast for me"

why can't people just be honest. if it hurts her feelings? bye. do you want to be in a relationship who cannot emotionally handle adult feelings?
 
polypiesofly said:
Found a girl that really clicks with both hubby and i. For us, a triad would be ideal, and I really like the way this is going. . But she's moving (emotionally) too fast for me. We really don't know each other at all and she is saying she loves me (I'm going to assume the same way you love birds and the earth. ..not like in love, but it still makes me uncomfortable).. I am very comfortable having sex with a person that I'm not in love with, but she is trying to kiss on me and fawn all over me all day. . I prefer to move slower, but I don't want to hurt or embarrass her, so I'd rather just deal with her infatuation internally instead of confront it head on. It's really making me sort of want to run... I do realize people get infatuated right away sometimes, but it's not mutual, at least not yet.

How can I deal with this without talking to her about it?
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First, you say you like how it's going, but then you reveal that you really don't. You're uncomfortable with her and want to run. Why deny what you are really feeling? If you want to run, maybe you should listen to your intuition.

Why wouldn't you want to talk about it? Jeez, if you're seeing her as a potential PARTNER, you have to be able to talk as one grown-up to another. If what you have to say will "scare her away" then say good riddance, because obviously that would show that she can't handle the tough part of being in relationships.

All you have to do is tell her, "I really do like you, and don't want to be hurtful or embarrass you, but I prefer to move more slowly in a new relationship, and all the physical and verbal demonstrations of affection directed my way are making me a little uncomfortable. Can we back up a little and go little by little with this, please?"

I really don't understand it when people have a "dilemma" like this. You can't TALK to someone you want to be intimate with? Makes no sense to me. Are you so focused on having a triad that you are glomming into the first person who seems like she is willing? Don't be so desperate.

At least you didn't do something really stupid like move her in with you right away.
 
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Hi polypiesofly,

Re (from OP):
"How can I deal with this without talking to her about it?"
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If you aren't going to talk to her about it, I can only imagine four options:

  • Continue letting her kiss on you and fawn all over you all day, and pretend like it doesn't bother you,
  • Reveal enough discomfort to stiffen up when she kisses on you and fawns all over you,
  • Pull away when she tries to kiss on you and fawn all over you,
  • Break up with her.
Do any of those options appeal to you? If not, then you should consider talking to her about it.

The other posters have gave good advice about what to say to her. I especially like what nycindie suggested:
"I really do like you, and don't want to be hurtful or embarrass you, but I prefer to move more slowly in a new relationship, and all the physical and verbal demonstrations of affection directed my way are making me a little uncomfortable. Can we back up a little and go little by little with this, please?"
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Like GalaGirl said, if saying it out loud is too difficult, write it down in a note and give it to her. And sure maybe she'll feel hurt at first, but the hurt should go away after a little while. Sometimes in relationships you just have to have difficult conversations.

That's all I can think of for now.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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