Newly Poly Single

[honeybeemnm]

Hello everyone,

I'm new so I apologize if there's already a thread on this subject. I tried searching for it but it's a broad subject... lol

Brief intro to me, I've been familiar with polyamory for over 5 years and have briefly dated or had lesser flavors of it since then - never fully committed to it though.

After my most recent relationship ending, I have decided to fully embrace loving and dating polyamorously. I've been doing more research and discovered this forum as well as morethantwo.com and the book is on its way.

I would really appreciate some feedback about beginning brand new poly relationships.

I've read a lot about couples deciding to become poly, but haven't found much about singles becoming poly.

I feel I am most drawn towards having a primary relationship and secondary relationships, yet after reading a lot about allowing relationships to develop organically I am reconsidering that. I also recognize that I am drawn to a primary relationship first because of fear of not being the "favorite" as well as maintaining a sense of control, stability, and security. I still envision myself eventually getting married and having children, so that also contributes to the desire for a primary relationship.

Currently, I'm not dating anyone. It's helpful because it allows me to gain clarity on what I specifically want. It's also challenging because I don't have anyone to develop anything with. lol. Almost like envisioning a work of art with no canvas or paint - because colors always show up differently than what you imagined.

To give you an idea of the possible colors I might have to work with...
I have one friend who I've been involved with in the past and who I absolutely adore, I told him directly that I see the possibility of an open relationship with him - he is open to it as well, but we are just reconnecting so we want to just be friends and take one step at a time. I also have a date this weekend with a very intriguing individual I met on OKC (just made a profile and was about to give up because of the ridiculous messages... lol). And there is a classmate/friend that I've been in love with for awhile that might be exploring polyamory - but due to timing (middle of his new divorce, schooling) that doesn't appear to be a possibility anytime soon.

I want to balance knowing what I desire in relationships with letting connections evolve naturally.

Thoughts?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi honeybeemnm,

It sounds like your best match would be someone you could settle down with for a few years before trying polyamory together. There is some controversy over whether to have primary and secondary type relationships. I think as long as you treat your secondary partners good, it is okay.

Don't know if that helps? It is a couple of initial thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I still envision myself eventually getting married and having children, so that also contributes to the desire for a primary relationship.

Hi honeybee -

This is the most important aspect to your future since babies, kids and parenting are such an enormous undertaking and very difficult to incorporate into a poly life. All of that primary, secondary stuff is just a pile of labels and isn't at all necessary for a happy poly life. However, when thinking about making children, almost everyone wants/needs a "primary." I'd advise you to focus not so much on whether you need to label relationships and roles but on whether you're close to wanting a relationship that will become a parenting one. If so, you'll likely want to make babies with someone who is equally committed to them and that is usually the other parent, AKA your "primary." Babies and young children are tremendously involving and it's extraordinarily rare that a parent (especially a mother) of young children has room for lovers in addition to her partner, kids, extended family, community and friends.

As for solo poly, we have quite a lot of people here who date individually and not as part of a couple that is "doing poly together."

 

[honeybeemnm]

32052

"If so, you'll likely want to make babies with someone who is equally committed to them and that is usually the other parent, AKA your "primary." "

I agree. However I'm looking at having children maybe 3-12 years from now. So I suppose I do still envision having a "primary" partner, possibly for life, but that is a long term plan. I'm recognizing how that affects my current approach to poly dating...

It sounds like your best match would be someone you could settle down with for a few years before trying polyamory together.

For awhile I was thinking of doing that. I felt that I wanted to become grounded in one relationship and then have "secondary" relationships. Maybe it will still happen that way.
I'm very drawn to openly expressing interest, affection, and love with multiple people though. I already recognize that I am drawn towards and fall in love with various individuals - I want to explore expressing that. Thus the decision to identify myself as poly now, and to be open to multiple relationships.

I might also add that I'm bisexual, so I'm interested in exploring relationships with both men and women.

I suppose part of what I'm figuring out is timing between multiple relationships. Are there any poly singles out there that begin dating more than one person at the same time? Or do you date one at a time before dating someone new?

 

[tenK]

It seems to me that there's actually an abundance of poly people who are already involved in more 'secondary/non-live-in' relationships, who are looking for what you are looking for. At least, it seems like a lot of people come to this forum with concerns about it. Often we hear from people who are perhaps dating a couple who live together, and yet crave their own nesting partner and worry that already being in a relationship is damaging their chances of meeting someone open to that. So theoretically, it might be easier than you think to connect with people who are seeking something similar.

My advice to you would to be very upfront about EVERYTHING when you meet people. Don't settle into a mono primary relationship now, but be open with the people you date right from the outset. If you have any online dating profiles, list yourself as poly and make it clear that you are open to a range of relationships, from more casual to deeply committed, and just see who pops up. It is always easier to find people for less-committed relationships - that's just the way of the world. It takes time to find the right kind of person to settle down with, so build that into your expectations now, and don't assume that you're getting nowhere because of being open about your polyamorous status. The goal is to find someone who is a great fit for you, and who wants similar things from life as you. Poly is a massive part of that, so don't shy away from it. Good luck!

 

[Oreadne]

Hi honeybee -

This is the most important aspect to your future since babies, kids and parenting are such an enormous undertaking and very difficult to incorporate into a poly life. All of that primary, secondary stuff is just a pile of labels and isn't at all necessary for a happy poly life. However, when thinking about making children, almost everyone wants/needs a "primary." I'd advise you to focus not so much on whether you need to label relationships and roles but on whether you're close to wanting a relationship that will become a parenting one. If so, you'll likely want to make babies with someone who is equally committed to them and that is usually the other parent, AKA your "primary." Babies and young children are tremendously involving and it's extraordinarily rare that a parent (especially a mother) of young children has room for lovers in addition to her partner, kids, extended family, community and friends.

As for solo poly, we have quite a lot of people here who date individually and not as part of a couple that is "doing poly together."

I have a 4 year old and very much disagree with this. Of course children take an enormous amount of time and energy, but I don't find it anymore challenging to do now as a Relationship Anarchist than I did as someone in a traditionally monogamous marriage. Actually, now it is easier in many ways because I have a much larger and more involved support network, instead of putting all of my expectations and needs for support on only one person.

Children don't need traditional nuclear families with two parents who are only committed to each other. It can work for some people, but I actually don't think it is the optimal way to have a family, it is too dependent on the relationships never changing or evolving.

Someone doesn't have to be a "primary" to be equally involved and committed to your children. You can be wonderful co-parents with someone who is only a platonic friend, or a former romantic partner, or someone you don't live with. I have a partner now who is not my daughter's biological father, but he loves her and will always be involved in her life regardless of how his relationship with me progresses and changes - we are living together now, but we might not always be, and that is perfectly ok.

I imagine I will have another child at some point in the next couple of years, and I know in the first year or so I probably won't be adding any additional partners because I will be so physically and emotionally maxed out, but if I happen to have 2 or so partners who are happy to be around me together, it won't be a problem to maintain more than 1 relationship. Like saying that new mothers can't have more than 1 friend at a time, it's just plain silly. Lovers and partners do more than take your time, attention, and energy. I hope they contribute to your life and help share the work of a family and household with you.

 

[Oreadne]

I suppose part of what I'm figuring out is timing between multiple relationships. Are there any poly singles out there that begin dating more than one person at the same time? Or do you date one at a time before dating someone new?

When I was more single (I still consider myself solo-ish poly, even though I am currently living with a partner) I was casually dating 2 people around the same time. As I started to fall in love the other relationship really fizzled out, because I was SOO into the other guy I wanted to focus my time and energy on him. And I just didn't have that great of chemistry or compatibility with the other person so there was no reason to continue it.
I went on some other dates the first year I was with that partner, but nothing really progressed and it didn't feel very urgent for me to find another partner.

Just do what feels natural. You don't "need" to date more than one person at a time to be poly, but if you really connect with more than one person concurrently, that is totally cool too - just be aware of and communicative about how much time and energy you have to give to each person/relationship.

 

[Nadya]

My advice to you would to be very upfront about EVERYTHING when you meet people. Don't settle into a mono primary relationship now, but be open with the people you date right from the outset. If you have any online dating profiles, list yourself as poly and make it clear that you are open to a range of relationships, from more casual to deeply committed, and just see who pops up.

This. This is how I started my poly life - as a single. Actually, I have never been in a monogamous or closed relationship at all. Always open for new connections (at least in theory), and leaning towards relationship anarchy.

I would advice not to worry about the timing of the relationships. Keep your eyes open, see what pops up and let the connections develop naturally. I have had more and less active periods regarding dating new people, and somehow the more meaningful connections stand out and you can concentrate on those.

And, about the parenting part... Oreadne is right about kids not needing a traditional two-parent family. Actually I am at the moment trying to conceive (with my legal husband) and my both live-in partners are committed to raising the child together as a family. There are other ways to build a poly family than having one primary partner first. Your timeline of wanting kids 3 to 12 years from now gives you plenty of time to build a stable enough poly network to bring the kids into.

 

[IndieSolo]

I suppose part of what I'm figuring out is timing between multiple relationships. Are there any poly singles out there that begin dating more than one person at the same time? Or do you date one at a time before dating someone new?

I'm solo poly and I don't have any rules about timing. Yes, there have been times I started two relationships around the same time. I stay open to whatever opportunities/cool people present themselves. Basically, I think hierarchies have no place in love relationships and, as a solo, I am not looking for a primary-type partnership -- so I don't see any point in waiting to establish one relationship before dating someone else. I strive to be present and focus on whomever I am with.

 

[sparklepop]

Hi honeybee,

Welcome to the forum!

I think you make a valid point that there much of the information out there on poly addresses coupled poly rather than solo poly. I can understand why you feel a little lost and overwhelmed. Here are my thoughts:

I also recognize that I am drawn to a primary relationship first because of fear of not being the "favorite" as well as maintaining a sense of control, stability, and security. I still envision myself eventually getting married and having children, so that also contributes to the desire for a primary relationship.

I think that there's absolutely nothing wrong with hoping that you'll form a primary relationship and envisioning sharing marriage and children with that particular person. This being said, it's good that you recognise your fear about not being the 'favourite'. I understand it well because I used to struggle with this fear a lot and still have trouble with it from time to time.

The thing is - as you probably already recognise - the idea of a 'primary' relationships can be something of a trap in that it can instill a false sense of security and a ton of expectations to go with it. Whilst I share a marriage-style relationship and a child with my 'main' partner, I've personally shifted away from referring to her as my 'primary'. This is because it took me/us down a road of "We're primaries, so everyone else's needs are secondary", "we're primaries, so you should act in accordance with my comfort", "we're primaries, so why are you having sex with another person more than with me?", "we're primaries, so I must be your favourite person 24/7", etc.

There is actually something extremely liberating about losing the hierarchy and just letting relationships be what they are without labels. You are in a good position to test this model out since you are currently single!! You don't have an existing relationship that you feel obliged to prioritise.

I want to balance knowing what I desire in relationships with letting connections evolve naturally.

Relationships have a way of being what they will be. it's not a bad thing to look for people you think might have long-term potential if you're looking for long-term potential. This can help you to weed out people who would waste your time. However, there has to be a distinction between 'possible long-term potential' and 'does this person fit The Grand Life Goal?'. If you do the latter and look at people in terms of what boxes they fit into, this can not only limit you but can also lead you to project a (currently) fictional future onto someone you're dating. So, my advice here is to look for people whose attributes you find appealing to begin with, whatever those attributes may be. Logic suggests that this is going to give you the best long-term potential with someone, by default. Does that make sense?

... I'm looking at having children maybe 3-12 years from now. So I suppose I do still envision having a "primary" partner, possibly for life, but that is a long term plan. I'm recognizing how that affects my current approach to poly dating...

It's important to remember that there are so many different ways your life and relationships could work out. What you feel right now might not be how you feel in 3, 5, 10 or 12 years. Life is not static. The people we meet and the experiences we have can drastically change our desires and circumstances.

For instance, you might meet someone who already has a child and find that this is more than enough for you. You might spend three years building a lifelong relationship only to break up. You might decide to adopt or have a baby on your own, or form a poly parenting family. From the sounds of it, you've got at least a few years to explore these options.

I suppose part of what I'm figuring out is timing between multiple relationships. Are there any poly singles out there that begin dating more than one person at the same time? Or do you date one at a time before dating someone new?

I think there are plenty of poly singles who date multiple people at the same time!! It really all comes down to what works for you in the moment. Also, everything has a flipside. Focusing on only one person before adding another can strengthen the relationship and help you to build something, but it can also cause trouble when you start adding new people. You could also find that you spend X number of months/years building something with someone you think would be a good life partner only to find that you then meet someone you're even more compatible with!

Overall, I would really just go with the flow Why not spend a year exploring relationships and see where you are 12 months from now? Experience will give you a far better idea of where you want to be!

 

[FallenAngelina]

I strive to be present and focus on whomever I am with.

This is a beautiful and wise orientation.

 

[RickX]

I'm quite new to poly so my views on it are coloured by my limited experience. After been to a not-so-successful V where I was the secondary (my ex-gf is married), I realized that perhaps the best model for me would be to have a primary relationship (a sort of a hub with spokes. I'm not sure if there is a term for this in the poly universe) and have secondaries who are equally partnered so nobody will have the feeling of being left out. For me, the primary-secondary labels would not be about rights and privileges but more on about who gets more of the time allotment; naturally, the one we live with becomes the de-facto "buddy", "primary", or "favourite", which is a very natural thing, imo. But if one prefers to be a single poly, then none of the other relationships should feel estranged, unless one, indeed, exhibits favouritism. Having a favourite is also a natural human tendency since we feel drawn to one person's characteristic than the others; however, the others will feel it and would not be happy about it, thus, instability will occur in the relationship network. Thus, the rationale for the "ideal" hubs-and-spokes model for myself.