New to polyamory and wondering how to act when there's a potential love interest

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polyconflicted

New member
I'm in an 8 month relationship with a guy who is open to dating others but hasn't gone out of his way to date(no dating profiles or anything) and no opportunities have come up for him.
We are in a gaming community together which involves a few hundred people in our large city. There are dozens of different group chats, usually by neighborhood. People chat all day and set up events fo play together from time to time. It's a GPS based phone game which is more fun in groups, but you can also play by yourself or in pairs. It's how we met.

I believe he's interested in someone who just moved to the area not far from our neighborhood. (We live separately). She joined the group and talked about where her playing area is He wrote that he would love to bike over to her area to help her out whenever she needs it since its a short bike ride. He brought up the benefits of them working together. I noticed that he didn't mention all the group events we have that she can get to easily . He seems to be hoping to meet up with her alone. I texted him that she looks adorable and it would be awesome if they hit it off when they start playing together and he just commented "You're adorable!"

Now I'm dying to find out how interested he is in her, and what he's looking for in another partner even if it isn't her. I feel like I'm jumping the gun in that nothing has happened yet, but it seems like he's hoping something would happen because of how he jumped in to offer to bike to her personally. What is your opinion on the most appropriate way to act when there's potential interest in someone else? I feel like asking what he's hoping to happen and how interested he is. But I think I should let things be and wait for him to share when he wants, as much as I'm dying to know what he hopes will happen. I'm curious how much you share with your partner when it comes to potential opportunities? For instance, do you even tell them when there's someone you're thinking of asking out? Or you're feeling attracted to? I'm curious what different people do in these situations.
 
People do these things very differently. The way my husband and I have done it, even before embarking on polyamory, was to always tell each other if we fancied another person. So we would tell each other from the moment of interest. Actually when I started to hit it off with my first sort of boyfriend, my husband knew long before I fell for him.

We did it the same way when I started to date my now boyfriend. I kept my husband in the loop, then asked specific for permission to sleep with him. Then when I got back home, my husband "met " him soon over Skype.
 
Re (from polyconflicted):
"I'm curious how much you share with your partner when it comes to potential opportunities?"
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I share quite a bit. It's actually one of our agreements.
 
I am a big fan of sharing and being very open and making sure everyone knows what's happening all the time. I think right now you're at that point in the relationship where you're going to kind of set the tone for these issues. Of course, you'll be able to change things or work out the kinks later, but this is probably a great time to come up with a way of communicating about it that's comfortable for both of you.
 
polyconflicted said:
...What is your opinion on the most appropriate way to act when there's potential interest in someone else? I feel like asking what he's hoping to happen and how interested he is. But I think I should let things be and wait for him to share when he wants, as much as I'm dying to know what he hopes will happen. I'm curious how much you share with your partner when it comes to potential opportunities? For instance, do you even tell them when there's someone you're thinking of asking out? Or you're feeling attracted to? I'm curious what different people do in these situations.
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We are pretty much open books - "Hey, this person I saw in this place looks interesting. I talked to her and am gonna see if I can get her number." OR - "Hey, I've been talking to this girl on OKC, what do you think of this message she sent me?" But that is one person OFFERING to share info, NOT another person insisting that someone share info.

8 months in is "just a few minutes" in my world - I wouldn't presume to ask at that point, unless you have a "share everything" agreement. If he wants your input, he will ask for it. You could offer an ear if he wants to share. "Hey, I saw that you offered to meet so-and-so in person...thought you might have an interest. If you want a sounding-board then I am "all-ears" because I am TOTALLY curious about where this could go."

The way you write it sounds like he is "open" to dating others. Are you? Have you? How much did YOU share? What discussions have you had about "open-ness" so far?

Quite honestly? You have been together 8 months - if you are not at the point where you can just have this conversation openly (i.e. "How much are you willing to share?) then you are not at the point where it is, really, any of your business as to how he conducts any other relationships.
 
polyconflicted said:
I'm curious how much you share with your partner when it comes to potential opportunities? For instance, do you even tell them when there's someone you're thinking of asking out? Or you're feeling attracted to? I'm curious what different people do in these situations.
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I do occasionally date outside our Vee - don't have much time for it though. My guys do not want to know about my online conversations / potentials (such as OKC) unless there is a real life date planned. Then I tell where I am going. If I date other males, they really do not want to know much at all. If I date females, they are more curious. We have no "total openness" agreement, so I can decide how much to share with them in every occasion. It also depends on the person I am dating - how comfortable they are with my other partners knowing things.

CJ dates, too, and he is basically very open about his interests.
 
My first poly relationship, my fiance knew I was falling in love w/ my OSO long before I did. More recent relationships, the agreement I have with one partner is that I tell him before the first date. My agreement with my casual partner (who I'm lucky to see once a month) is a bit vaguer, but it's understood that we will tell each other before starting a new relationship. I'd actually prefer a bit more communication there, but since he is usually only reachable by text, and texting on my phone is...difficult

(Friday I texted him to say I was in town and was he available, Saturday I got a reply "Yeah, I'm available, where are you?" I have literally been sitting next to him when his phone beeps with a text message I sent him 3 days earlier *headdesk*. There are reasons beyond our feelings for each other that he is my casual partner. Not being able to effectively get a hold of him is high on the list. I have always had this problem, with every phone I've never had. No one else I know does. WTF?)
 
Only had a few dates, but if the online conversations get like they are moving towards a meet up then I will talk to DH about them
 
This is definitely a 'whatever works for you' type of situation. Blue is my first poly relationship. How we've approached this has changed over the course of our relationship. In the beginning, I was very curious and wanted to know anything he was willing to share. After a while, that became tedious, lol. As I felt more secure in the relationship, I found that I needed to know less.

Our current agreement is that he'll tell me before he meets (in person) with someone from OKC. Or, in situations like your boyfriend's, he'll tell me when they start hanging out/have the first date. Occasionally, he'll share something prior to that (if he's really excited about the woman. Or, if there's something unusual/really interesting about the situation.) Theoretically, it works the same for me except I've only just opened a dating profile and haven't met anyone I click with yet.

That's what works for us at the moment. That could change. The key for us is just that we're able to openly communicate about what we need/want. :)
 
Sharing is caring

My girlfriend and I try to be open, being open about potential interests can be good, but in our circumstances the rule is if we're actually going on a date with someone else or going to spend time with someone we're interested in we let each other know.

But it depends on the context of your relationship and how spontaneous you or your partner/s happen to be. I'm not very spontaneous or flirty my girlfriend is. So I have to be aware that she wont always tell me if unplanned things happen. And that's okay.
 
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