I want to do right by them, but what I want is so wrong for them

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

Well, the crux of the matter is that we are now doing long-distance again. He gave me permission to sleep with other men as long as I don't tell him.

Could respect his boundaries. Don't tell him what's going on while you guys are apart. Use protection, have your sex health labs done regularly, etc. Should he ever change his mind and ask to see them, then you are prepared to pony them up.

Before you share sex with him again, ask him if he wants to know. Get clear before he leaves on how he wants to handle the concept of "continuing consent" when you guys visit and see each other again.

If you are hanging on to him knowing you have outgrown the relationship... be more honest with yourself and break it off. Don't be trying to LDR with a DADT policy just to avoid a break up.

As for hooking up again with the previous friend?

Well, I proposed we fool around again but he said that wasn't good for him. He said he is attracted to me too but needs to be in a monogamous relationship with someone in order to have sex without later feeling used. This explains his distance.

Thank him for his honesty, respect his limit, and leave him alone. He's been clear about the "price of admission" to enter into sexual relationship with him -- he's not up for casual. He wants monogamous. If you want to pay it, break up with your LDR BF cleanly first. If you don't want to pay it, leave this dude alone. Be only friends. Seek another FWB partner if that is what you seek.

I think you could keep things a lot simpler on yourself by being decisive about what you ultimately want and in the meanwhile respecting other people's boundaries.

Galagirl

 

[Norwegianpoly]

So, they are friends but not sexual together, just with you, seperately. Can I ask? Is this relationship working for you three? It's maybe a very direct question, but I'm just curious because I've never met anyone in this situation before. Do you find that you have achieved a natural balance? Would it require a specific blend of personalities to work?

It is working out very well for us. Because my boyfriend lives in another country, I travel to see him/live with him parts of the time. Some times during vacation time we live together all three of us. We hope that some time next year we can all live in the same city. The boys like - and get irritated by - the same things about me, and for that reason I think they understand each other. They also share some personality traits and habits. Also, if I argue with one of the boys, the other one always takes the other boy's side when I go to him to complain! I am outnumbered

 

[Posties]

I've not come across many guys in their 20s who are looking to settle down into monogamy with anyone, so you're in the vast majority. Mother Nature wants you to be a busy bee right now. Gay or straight, most young men would seem to opt for "poly" if they could but instead go with the options offered. Open relationships are much more common among men than they are among hetero couples, as many (especially young) men want the option for multiple partners, so it would seem you've got that part going for you. I'm not sure if you're looking for multiple love relationships or if you're looking for a non-monogamous relationship.

Dan Savage has many helpful, insightful comments on the subject of non-monogamy if you haven't read or listened to them already. What he has to say would be right up your alley.

Sorry for the late response ^^; To be honest, I'm not entirely sure if I'm looking for multiple love relationships or a non-monogamous relationship. I guess all of the above? I'm pretty open-minded to trying new types of relationships of all sorts, but right now I'm just trying to be honest and upright as best as I can be to everyone.

As an update, my friend and I talked a bit since June but our relationship has largely fizzled. I guess he is probably looking for a new person to meet and date. As for my boyfriend and I, our relationship is occasionally strained but is doing okay. I've come to appreciate his stability (not emotionally per se, but just overall being there for me). It would be easier if he was closer, but all is largely well. I've met a few people and slept with one but I'm kind of happy right now just chilling out on sex and trying to focus on myself.

 

[Posties]

I am sorry you struggle.



Could respect his boundaries. Don't tell him what's going on while you guys are apart. Use protection, have your sex health labs done regularly, etc. Should he ever change his mind and ask to see them, then you are prepared to pony them up.

Before you share sex with him again, ask him if he wants to know. Get clear before he leaves on how he wants to handle the concept of "continuing consent" when you guys visit and see each other again.

If you are hanging on to him knowing you have outgrown the relationship... be more honest with yourself and break it off. Don't be trying to LDR with a DADT policy just to avoid a break up.

As for hooking up again with the previous friend?



Thank him for his honesty, respect his limit, and leave him alone. He's been clear about the "price of admission" to enter into sexual relationship with him -- he's not up for casual. He wants monogamous. If you want to pay it, break up with your LDR BF cleanly first. If you don't want to pay it, leave this dude alone. Be only friends. Seek another FWB partner if that is what you seek.

I think you could keep things a lot simpler on yourself by being decisive about what you ultimately want and in the meanwhile respecting other people's boundaries.

Galagirl

Hey, Galagirl. Thank you for the solidarity and I'm sorry for the delayed response.
You're totally right. My friend was honest with me and I actually really appreciate that. As it happens, we haven't really spoken since June so it's a bit of a moot point now. Maybe I'll contact him again (just because he's too cute to let slip by for good), but maybe not! He seems indifferent to me...
As for my bf, we are doing okay. I've come to appreciate his stability (not really emotionally but overall his being there for me and caring about me). He definitely is a challenge! But, I'm actually kind of chilling out on sleeping with other people right now and just focusing on myself. It's been like a little vacation from drama. I've just been focusing on myself, defining what I want my life to be like and trying to take good care of myself mentally, spiritually, physically, what have you.
Thanks for your advice and response!!

 

[Posties]

It is working out very well for us. Because my boyfriend lives in another country, I travel to see him/live with him parts of the time. Some times during vacation time we live together all three of us. We hope that some time next year we can all live in the same city. The boys like - and get irritated by - the same things about me, and for that reason I think they understand each other. They also share some personality traits and habits. Also, if I argue with one of the boys, the other one always takes the other boy's side when I go to him to complain! I am outnumbered

Hey Norwegianpoly, Thanks for your response and sorry for the delayed response. It sounds lovely! A really with a good balance of personalities and situations. It seems you don't mind being ganged up on! It seems your boyfriends can relate to each other through you. I wouldn't mind this kind of situation myself one day.

As an update, I haven't really spoken with my friend since June. I think he's pursuing other people at the moment. As for my bf and I, we are doing alright. He is focusing on being successful in his career and I'm also focused on myself primarily. Maybe not the most sexually gratifying place to be haha But certainly good for me to ensure that I'm happy with everything going on in my own life before I start letting other peoples' interests effect me. So, I've taken some time to think over my relationship and I've come to appreciate my boyfriend for who he is and have decided to spend more time focused on myself and not my relationships.

 

[kdt26417]

Hey Posties,

Thanks for your update, I am still interested in your situation and following your thread. It sounds like you are kind of chilling out in life at the moment.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Posties]

Hey Posties,

Thanks for your update, I am still interested in your situation and following your thread. It sounds like you are kind of chilling out in life at the moment.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Hey Kevin,

Thanks for writing. It means a lot to know there are folks like me out there.

Yup, I am trying (albeit badly) to chill out about things. My friend doesn't really want to talk to me and it seems my boyfriend is also kind of withholding affection from me for some reason lately. So, I guess I'm just trying to reflect on why this is happening while also attempting to let go and to be cool with being alone.

I'm going to try to get into nature for a lengthy period this week and hopefully that will bring some clarity and tranquility to my spirit.

Thanks again for your support!

 

[kdt26417]

No problem.

How far away does your partner live, if I may ask? Will he be moving to live closer to you soon?

 

[Posties]

No problem.

How far away does your partner live, if I may ask? Will he be moving to live closer to you soon?

He lives about 500 miles away. He's going to stay where he is until next spring. I think our relationship is kind of fizzling... :'(

 

[kdt26417]

Uh-oh. I'm sorry to hear that.