Considering One-sided open relationship - advice needed

C

cuteelephant

New member
Hi everyone

I am in need of some advice/experiences/tips/suggestions about the following.

Since over three years I am in a loving relationship with my boyfriend. We are engaged and getting married in a year and I've known him for a lot longer than we're dating. Since we started dating I am very happy in our relationship, the sex is great and satisfying and he is very willing to try out different things. However I've known/feared before getting together that he will turn out to be "too nice" in bed and that has been confirmed. I've had a lot of experience before and am really missing this "feeling" of being utterly desired by another man and having sex without any worries at all, just desire.

I am very honest with my fiance and he is aware of this. So far it has never really been an issue because I am happy and have just figured that I'll not be having this "feeling" anymore and that other aspects of our relationship matter much more in the long run. I've also never really met anyone else I was attracted to, so that was ok.

Then about 9 months ago this guy starting working in my company. We got along super well, had lots of enjoyable lunch breaks, laughed and talked and I found him extremely charming, attractive and sexy. But since he was working at the same company I would have never considered anything more than being friendly with him. Then a few months ago he changed jobs and I was quite sad to see him go, we stayed in email contact and last week we met for dinner. (My fiance knew that I was going for dinner with another man and he wasn't even the slightest bit jealous and repeatedly said it was fine.)

The whole day I was very excited and nervous about this meeting. I even dressed up and put on some make-up before leaving for the "date"... well, by that point it honestly had morphed into a date in my head and not just a dinner with a colleague. So I had the most wonderful evening, for 5 hours we talked, discussed and laughed. It was so easy to talk to him, also about some sexual things, but it always stayed very appropriate. Things in my head didn't stay appropriate ;). When we finally said good-bye to each other for like the 3rd time I felt both disappointed and relieved that I didn't make a pass at him and go home with him. I am pretty sure that he would be interested, but not certain.

Once I was home we were texting each other for like half an hour and things started to get a little inappropriate (not in the direction of sex, more things that might be a bit too personal). The next day I talked with my fiance and told me the broad picture of what had happened. He reacted quite well and wasn't angry or disappointed.

Over the next few days we kept talking a lot about the open of me having something with the other guy. I said that I wasn't the type to have a ONS with a random guy. I needed someone I could respect, laugh with, feel comfortable with to enjoy having sex with them. So eventually - after a lot of thinking on my fiance's part - he said that he would certainly be fine with me taking things further with the other guy. We have however not really specified the time-period in which it's alright for me to have a "relationship" with the other guy. (I am not even sure the other guy is willing to start something with me, so there didn't seem too great a point to discuss every last detail. My fiance and me are agreed to keep honestly talking about any new developments).

So now I am kind of waiting for the other guy to write me and ask me out for another dinner or something like that. I am quite unsure of how to even broach the subject with him since he's a very stand-up, honest guy and since he knows I'm engaged he'd never do anything inappropriate like hitting on me, kissing me,...

So since this post is a bit all over the place let me try to figure out some concrete questions I have:
- How do I go about telling the other guy that I'm "available" and my fiance is fine with this?
- How can I help my fiance with this new situation? I am 100% sure that I want to stay with him and marry him, that has never been in doubt.
- Is there anything I should be aware of/consider further/discuss before starting something with the other guy?
- What kind of protection arrangements do you have? for "sex with penetration" of course I'd always use a condom, but what about BJ?
Edit: - Also during our discussions my fiance has voiced some concerns about me possibly getting pregnant, even when always using condoms. How do you deal with the possibility of pregnancy? For me I know that being safe with the other guy will be extremely important, but there isn't any 100% safe contraceptive method... And this does have potential for a very bad situation happening.

Thank you very much for any guidance/tips/advice you can give me.
 
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Answering your questions...

Tell the other guy, "I had a lot of fun at dinner with you and I'd like to do it again. You know I'm engaged, but my fiance and I've talked about me spending time with you and there's no problem on his side, so if you want to get together, it's cool." (Or something like that.) I wouldn't tell him you're available for more than "spending time" until you've established whether he has an interest in anything beyond friendship.

Help your fiance by being completely open and honest with him--to the extent he's comfortable with. If he asks you not to talk about certain aspects of your connection with the other guy, respect that. If he wants to know everything, respect that. Also help him by sitting down to set specific boundaries about the other relationship (I won't go out on weekends; or I'll give you a day's notice if we're going out; or whatever) and stick to those boundaries.

You need to make sure the other guy wants to start something with you. This type of arrangement is something that pushes some people away, so tread slowly and carefully in approaching it with him. You need to consider whether it's something he wants; how you're going to handle whether anyone else knows about it and if so who; how much of a relationship you want. Just sex? Friends with benefits? Full relationship like you have with your fiance? How much a part of your life is this guy going to become, and how much is your fiance okay with?

Our rule about sex is condoms for penetrative sex, though that was abandoned after about a month with S2, after sexual health was established. At this point I don't have any sex partners besides Hubby (S2 and I are currently not having sex), so it's a bit irrelevant. If S2 and I start having sex again, we'll still be barrier free, but if I ever have another partner barriers will be required until sexual health is established. S2 has also agreed to use condoms with any other partners, but if he has another partner and he and I don't start having sex again, it's going to be irrelevant to me anyway. He prefers barrier free but wouldn't risk my sexual health or his own, after a scare he had last year, so he wouldn't go barrier free with anyone else without testing regardless of what he and I are doing. Hubby doesn't have or want any other partners. I don't generally give oral sex--or receive, it just isn't my thing--and neither S2 nor Hubby generally comes from receiving oral (Hubby can't; S2 prefers not to), so barriers for that weren't discussed.

I can't help you with the pregnancy question; I had my tubes tied after Country was born and had a hysterectomy six years ago, so pregnancy has never been an issue in my case.
 
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Thank you for your reply :).

I've talked about my fiance regarding boundaries, but he wasn't really that interested. I made some suggestions such as I'd only be allowed to see the other guy every two weeks or I'm not going to sleep at his place. My fiance just said he thinks that there isn't a need for anything like that as long as he knows that he's the one I love and want to marry. I am just a little doubtful whether this is really good or if I should push him to agree to boundaries.

Regarding protection and pregnancy. I am using a Pearly (temperature computer) to not get pregnant with my fiance. So if I would start something involving sex with another person the only protection we'd have during the "red" days (days in which you are theoretically fertile based on the computes assessment) is condoms. If anyone that still also has the risk of pregnancy could give some advice I'd be very grateful.
 
Pushing someone is rarely a good idea, in my opinion. Do you want boundaries for YOUR sake or for your fiance's? If you only want them because you think he should want them, I would say respect what he's telling you. If he doesn't think he wants or needs boundaries, that's his choice; it isn't up to you to say he needs them if he says he doesn't.

If, however, you think there should be boundaries because YOU would be more comfortable, then you could tell your fiance that you'd prefer to have some.

Some people have boundaries and agreements; some don't. It isn't a "have to" kind of thing. It's about what works for the individuals involved.
 
Don't place boundaries that you might want to break later. Here's the thing, it's not just your fiance's feelings you'll need to consider. If my boyfriend was told that he'd only get to see me once every two weeks he'd never have agreed to date me
 
No, don't go fluent bonded with a new guy from the start! If you consider getting fluent bonded with him in the future:
1.ask your fiance
2.ask him, is he seeing other people?
3.get him tested
4.wait for the test results
Your temperature computer will not protect you from stds, and you might even transfer them to your fiance. So put a sock on until all is in the open and he gets a paper saying he is bug free.

Before going fluent bonded with my now boyfriend, we used condoms for all penetration sex, not for oral through. We did it like that for a couple of months, then he got himself tested (me plus husband were already tested) and I got a UID put in, that is supposed to be more than 99 % effective. I have used it for 18 months. I can use it for up to five years.
 
You have sooooooooooo many unknowns ahead of you that contraception is the least of your worries.
1. expect your fiancee to have a change of heart
2. expect the other guy to freak out
3. read, read, read everything you can on this forum

I admire how easy this seems to the both of you, but from what I have seen it will not stay that way, once theory becomes reality.
 
Opening up, by Tristan Toarmino, is a good guide to both practical and emotional matters in poly. The webpage is good as well, with worksheets to download.
 
@Norwegianpoly Thank you for answering :) I am a bit confused though. I am not at all considering going fluent bonded with the other guy... I will always use condoms as I wrote, or did I misunderstand something?

@graviton Thank you as well. I am reading a lot of information, but it can also be a little overwhelming to be honest. It isn't easy for me at all. I've put a lot of thought into this before even broaching the subject with my fiance. I will keep your "warning" in mind once things progress. But, since for my fiance - at the moment - his greatest worry is that I might get pregnant and that this will lead to some very awkward/uncomfortable/dangerous for our relationship situation I have to take this worry seriously.
 
cuteelephant said:
@Norwegianpoly Thank you for answering :) I am a bit confused though. I am not at all considering going fluent bonded with the other guy... I will always use condoms as I wrote, or did I misunderstand something?
Click to expand...

cuteelephant said:
Thank you for your reply :).
I am using a Pearly (temperature computer) to not get pregnant with my fiance. So if I would start something involving sex with another person the only protection we'd have during the "red" days (days in which you are theoretically fertile based on the computes assessment) is condoms.
Click to expand...

I am quoting you on the you'd only consider pregnancy, not stds, and use condoms only during your fertile days even with a new person. or was that not what you meant?
 
Hi cuteelephant, welcome to polyamory and the forum.

I am amazed at how trusting your fiance is. It sounds so great! I hope he is the chill cool giving caring guy he seems to be.

Also congrats on opening your heart to another. I know you said you rarely fall in love, so this is quite a big deal.

I see the main thing your fiance is concerned about is you getting pregnant with New Guy. It is good you are tracking your fertility and plan to use condoms. They are quite effective when used correctly.

There is a scenario where 1) You do hook up with New Guy. 2) You get pregnant with fiance. 3) New Guy gets tested. 4) Since you are already pregnant, you can comfortably go fluid bonded with New Guy.

On the other hand, you might want to emphasize in your coming talks and revelations with New Guy, that you are ttc and could be pregnant any minute! You might be extremely fatigued, nauseated, hormonally emotional, especially in the first 3 months. You might feel better and very sexual in the middle trimester, and then gigantic and like a beached whale a few months after that. Then once baby comes, you will be breastfeeding and sleep deprived and falling in love with baby, head over heels in a "new relationship" of a different kind.

Some poly people can and do manage 2 or more relationships while pregnant and caring for an infant and toddler. Many others however, do not attempt it til the high demands of a very young child lessen. And perhaps you plan on more than one child.

Be that as it may, I am excited for you to be all a-flutter for New Guy. I wonder.... were you on birth control pills before you started ttc? That can suppress libido. I wonder if ovulating has made you more open to another sexual relationship!
 
Clarification

Hi again and thank you all for the valuable input. I see that some things I said are causing some misunderstandings as they are formulated sub optimally.

1. I am not trying to get pregnant at all. My fiance and me are using the Pearly to NOT get pregnant (I didn't do welle with the pill or mini pill)

2. I am not going to have sex with the other guy without a condom. First reason for that is stds and second reason is the risk of pregnancy (as I am not on the pill).

Sorry for confusion, I am not a native speaker...
 
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Hmmm, the thought of an IUD doesn't really make me feel that comfortable to be honest. I've been having quite some negative effects from the pill and the mini pill and feel much better since I stopped taking any hormonal contraceptive 1.5 years ago. So I'd be very reluctant to go back to this, however if it turns out that the other guy and me are really starting something I might consider it to be on the very safe side.
 
You can get a non-hormone IUD. My oldest daughter has one, as she did not want extra hormones in her body. She has never been pregnant either, if that is a concern about having putting one in. They said it could stay in for 10 years.
 
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An IUD doesn't necessarily have hormones. Some do, but there are some available that are nonhormonal; they contain copper, which essentially acts as a spermicide. (I looked all this up before typing this reply, info coming from the Planned Parenthood website.) The copper IUDs are effective for up to twelve years after being implanted, but can be removed sooner if you wanted to get pregnant.

So if you've had issues with hormones in birth control but don't think a condom would be enough protection against pregnancy, a nonhormonal IUD might be a good choice. I'm not sure how available those are where you're located, but it might be something to discuss with your doctor.

(Edited to add that Bluebird posted while I was still typing...didn't mean to repeat what she said.)
 
Ha! No worries. :) My daughter did get the copper IUD, and it was put in by planned parenthood.
 
Whew, OK, disregard what I said.
 
Thank you all very much. I'm glad I've found an option that would be workable and a lot of food for thought as well.

I'll keep you posted if anything new develops.
 
Hi cuteelephant,

Re (from OP):
"So now I am kind of waiting for the other guy to write me and ask me out for another dinner or something like that."
Click to expand...

Why not ask him? Maybe he's waiting for you.

Re:
"I am quite unsure of how to even broach the subject with him since he's a very stand-up, honest guy ..."
Click to expand...

You wouldn't be asking him to do anything dishonest, right?

Re:
"How do I go about telling the other guy that I'm 'available' and my fiancé is fine with this?"
Click to expand...

How about, "So, I was talking with my fiancé, and asked if he'd mind if you and I took things further. And he was okay with that. Is that something you'd want to do?"

Re:
"How can I help my fiancé with this new situation?"
Click to expand...

Actually you should ask your fiancé that question. Although giving him some extra attention would probably help.

Re:
"Is there anything I should be aware of/consider further/discuss before starting something with the other guy?"
Click to expand...

Safe sex? Birth control? I don't know, sometimes you have to figure things out as you go along.

Re:
"What kind of protection arrangements do you have?"
Click to expand...

I only have sex with my partner, she only has sex with me and her other guy, and he only has sex with her. We are satisfied with that.

Re:
"How do you deal with the possibility of pregnancy?"
Click to expand...

Both of us guys have had a vasectomy.

I don't know how much of the above is helpful, but maybe some of it will be?

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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