Having the poly talk with a prospective date

A

acutair

New member
So, I've met a few folks (in real life, not online). They seem into me, and I'm into them.

I do wear a wedding band, but I've decided I want to be clear about the committed relationship I have with my wife before any first date.

I was thinking something like, "Hey, I really enjoy being with you and I'd like to ask you out. I do want to tell you that I'm happily married and that my wife and I date other people. If you have any questions, I'm happy to answer them as best I can."

What do you think? In the ballpark? Is this something you would say, or would like to hear if someone were asking you out?

Appreciate any replies. Thanks, folks. :)
 
acutair said:
So, I've met a few folks (in real life, not online). They seem into me, and I'm into them.

I do wear a wedding band, but I've decided I want to be clear about the committed relationship I have with my wife before any first date.

I was thinking something like, "Hey, I really enjoy being with you and I'd like to ask you out. I do want to tell you that I'm happily married and that my wife and I date other people. If you have any questions, I'm happy to answer them as best I can."

What do you think? In the ballpark? Is this something you would say, or would like to hear if someone were asking you out?

Appreciate any replies. Thanks, folks. :)
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I think that sounds fine
 
Works.
 
Ha! One of the folks I was ... flirting with? interested in? has now popped the question: "Do you consider yourself available? My Mom thought she noticed a wedding ring on your hand."

Wasn't expecting have to answer so soon--we just met, really--but here goes. :eek::D
 
So did you tell that person? How did it go?
 
Thanks for asking ... it could've gone worse.

She thanked me for sharing my status and said her preference was for monogamous relationships.

I said I was disappointed, but absolutely respected her preference and would be happy to be friends only.

She also asked to have my wife email her ... I guess to verify our polyamorous status. We barely know each other, so I can understand her wanting some peace of mind.

I said I'd ask my wife to drop her a line, and realize that's totally at my wife's option (although I think she'll be willing).

So ... I didn't get the girl*, but it could've gone much worse, and hopefully we can be friends.




*NB: I'm using "get the girl" for color: I don't go around calling women "girls."
 
Well, sorry it didn't work out exactly like you might have hoped ... Still it's a good feeling to know that she respects you for your honesty. And that she did not judge you, she just said, "Not my preference."

Overall it seems like a succesful outcome. :)
 
Re (from opalescent):
"If she is not interested, why ask you to have your wife contact her?"
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Well I was thinking it might be because she wants to confirm his honesty before striking up a friendship with him. Perhaps?
 
kdt26417 said:
Re (from opalescent):

Well I was thinking it might be because she wants to confirm his honesty before striking up a friendship with him. Perhaps?
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Yeah, that's kind of the conclusion I reached: you do want to be able to trust your friends, and verifying that I was telling the truth about this (and not just being some stalk-y, cheating, predator), is a good first step.

I guess that other half of it is, she wants to be clear with my wife that she wasn't trying to "steal me away" or anything.

My wife's agreed to drop her a line, verifying our status, so hopefully things will be smooth from here.
 
You and kdt are likely right. Or maybe she just wants to make sure she's not friends with someone who cheats.

I was struck by that because I, personally, would not reach out to the wife of someone I was attracted to, but did not want to date (for whatever reason) and wanted to be a friend. I assume that my new friend's honesty and trustworthiness would come out in the course of interacting as friends. I just wouldn't need to confirm that with the spouse. But that's just me and it's a moot point.
 
It's a little odd, but I guess it makes sense in a way ...
 
I don't understand the "verification" angle here. Are you focusing on that because it's the poly "thing to do" or because it truly speaks to you as a person? You're assuming that prospective dates will see nefarious intentions, but if there are none, why even go there? When you appraoch people with integrity, they can sense a great deal about you that needs no further explanation. You attract people way more with your vibe than you do with your words. Personally, I don't see the need for "verification" in any of my relationships (sexual or otherwise.) If someone is my friend, I have no need to check up on them and make sure their words are true. My bullshit detector is highly attuned and people who spout it don't get very close to me to begin with. "Verification of consent" seems to be an assumption with some poly people and it baffles me. Why on earth would anyone want to begin a relationship of any kind on a foundation of mistrust?
 
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I am in complete agreement with Fallen Angel. The verification of trust is a big flag of mistrust to me, the exact opposite of what it's trying to achieve. At first when my partner Rocky was listening to me date and exploring things he wanted to verify people before I slept with them. This has gone by the way side now because I said the same thing to him Fallen Angel did. I wouldn't start my friendships with interviews, and my romantic relationships are deeper more meaningful friendships first. :)
 
It is a stange way of verifying anyway. More descreetly would be to actually meet the wife. "hi I am a female is it ok that I am friend with your husband" sounds weird and one of the things I don't like about mono thinking.
 
:rolleyes: For those of us whose finely-attuned bullshit detector is out of whack, verification is the next option. Although it should be noted that verification wasn't acutair's idea in this case.
 
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