I don't think my husband is ever going to accept me

P

polywanna

New member
I'm so depressed right now I can't get out of bed.
We have been going to therapy and I know he's trying but the reality is he is wired for monogamy. Months later he still can't imagine another man touching me without feeling nauseous.
I was on OKC with his permission and thought a man was going to ask me out which turned into him having a full blown panic attack.
We have had so many talks and arguments and cried and I'm just so exhausted.
We aren't making any progress.
He says he keeps thinking that I'm going to change my mind or this us just a phase.
This is my second marriage and I think another divorce would destroy me emotionally. I don't know what to do.
In addition our therapist keeps rescheduling our sessions. Today she texted me 45 minutes before session. Third time in a month. I told her I'm just done.
I don't know what to do now.
 
polywanna said:
I'm so depressed right now I can't get out of bed.
We have been going to therapy and I know he's trying but the reality is he is wired for monogamy. Months later he still can't imagine another man touching me without feeling nauseous.
I was on OKC with his permission and thought a man was going to ask me out which turned into him having a full blown panic attack.
We have had so many talks and arguments and cried and I'm just so exhausted.
We aren't making any progress.
He says he keeps thinking that I'm going to change my mind or this us just a phase.
This is my second marriage and I think another divorce would destroy me emotionally. I don't know what to do.
In addition our therapist keeps rescheduling our sessions. Today she texted me 45 minutes before session. Third time in a month. I told her I'm just done.
I don't know what to do now.
Click to expand...

My wife is mono and I want to be poly and my therapist keeps rescheduling on me, too. It's not fun. I don't even want to go through with the first divorce, so I can relate.

I'm sorry this is going so badly for you. I hope it gets better soon. Keep us updated.
 
Im inclined to think that in situations as yours (you want to be poly but you partner is decidedly mono and you are hurting them) the decent thing is either give up the notion of polyamory or leave.
 
And just leaving him is going to hurt him too. So how is that any better you know?
I'm bif on being ethical and I feel like there's no ethical way out.
 
So choose to be monogamous and let your relationship run it's course. Next relationship don't get into monogamous relationship
 
Inyourendo said:
So choose to be monogamous and let your relationship run it's course. Next relationship don't get into monogamous relationship
Click to expand...

This...

Either stay married and live monogamously or get divorced and live the life you desire. You can't have both with your husband.
 
Hi polywanna,

It sounds like one thing you should do is look for a new therapist. You can't have someone putting you off all the time.

That aside, you seem to be caught between a rock and a hard place, because you can't stop being poly, your husband can't accept that about you, and you can't divorce. I'm not sure how anyone could be happy in a situation like that. No wonder you're too depressed to get out of bed.

My only hope is that venting here on the forum at least relieves you of some of the pressure. And maybe I could think of something to say that might help?

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be poly, if that makes any difference. I understand that your husband can't change. But you're not doing anything wrong either.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am sorry you struggle. :(

I agree with Kevin -- seek another therapist. With the new one, could start talking about both learning to accept the idea of a split.

And just leaving him is going to hurt him too. So how is that any better you know?
Click to expand...

With a split?

He can be hurt after a break up, heal and move on to a new partner that wants the same things he wants. You can be hurt after a break up, heal, and move on to a new partner that wants the same things you want. You can stop being spouses. Hopefully learn to be friends instead. (Short term stink, with eventual healing and betterment in the long run.)

With staying together? You and him and continue in the incompatible marriage with no end in sight to the suffering. (Short term stink + long term stink.)

Not all choices in life are win-win or win-lose. Some are lose-lose and you just pick the one that stinks least.

Sometimes the most loving thing one can do is to let go of something that does not work (incompatible marriage) and let things change.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Polywanna I really feel for you. It is a terrible thing to face. When I fell into polyamory I was in such anguish at the thought that I might have to hurt my husband, give up the life I had with him, or give up the new life that was in my reach, that I often found I had lost track of where I was and what I was doing. I hope things improve for you as they have for me. But yeah, if you cannot see yourself being able to stay monogamous and that is the only form of relationship he can be happy with then the ethical thing to do is split up and stop making each other miserable. You do not have to leave each other's lives, you just have to stop hurting each other in this way. As Gala Girl says the pain of separating at least has an end whereas continuing to lacerate each other's deep feelings can just go on and on.

Take care of yourself,
Leetah
 
polywanna said:
I'm so depressed right now I can't get out of bed.
We have been going to therapy and I know he's trying but the reality is he is wired for monogamy. Months later he still can't imagine another man touching me without feeling nauseous.
I was on OKC with his permission and thought a man was going to ask me out which turned into him having a full blown panic attack.
We have had so many talks and arguments and cried and I'm just so exhausted.
We aren't making any progress.
He says he keeps thinking that I'm going to change my mind or this us just a phase.
This is my second marriage and I think another divorce would destroy me emotionally. I don't know what to do.
In addition our therapist keeps rescheduling our sessions. Today she texted me 45 minutes before session. Third time in a month. I told her I'm just done.
I don't know what to do now.
Click to expand...
You should give this some more time. You are not in love with anyone else (which is how I fell into polyamory, making it harder for my husband). You have only been working seriously with this issue for a few months. It is too soon to draw any conclutions about the future. If you are depressed you might want to adress that individually.
 
They say it's always darkest before the dawn. He went out last nighr, I just wasn't in the mood. He was up really late and slept in, and I was out doing things.
So this afternoon we talked and I told him I was about to throw in the towel. He said that he met someone last night. What??? Oh yeah. That happened!!!
They spent about three hours drinking and talking and he feels guilty because he made such a stink about a guy even asking me out. I said he doesn't need to feel guilty.
He said it feels so weird. He looked so cute, like he really likes her. They traded FB pages and he showed me her picture. She looks like his type, she looks classy but has tattoos, she's pretty
And she's smart and responsible and seems sane.
I guess a lot of sparks were flying because he had the biggest smile ahd then said he felt guilty. I asked him if they did anything physical and he said no.
So......I have compersion
 
That sounds hopeful! :)
 
Norwegianpoly said:
You should give this some more time. You are not in love with anyone else (which is how I fell into polyamory, making it harder for my husband). You have only been working seriously with this issue for a few months. It is too soon to draw any conclutions about the future. If you are depressed you might want to adress that individually.
Click to expand...

Thank you. He just had a major panic attack last week over a guy asking me out, and the pain of causing him pain was starting to depress me.
And I am in love with a friend of mine, which my husband is aware of.
 
Oh I am so crossing my fingers in hopes that things will be easier now!

Leetah
 
He's had a change of perspective ... maybe he can accept your poly-ness now?
 
Man, I'm glad this depression fever broke! Yay!
 
I am glad he now has a comparable experience. Will hope for the best. Do think about changing therapists though and getting the depression thing looked at.

Galagirl
 
Thanks everyone. I asked him what he wants to do on my side of things and he said he didn't know yet. So I think I'm going to see how things go with him so he doesn't have to process his feelings of guilt and weirdness with other women while also processing jealousy and anxiety over my involvement with men.

I have had major depression most of my life and I'm on medication and go to therapy. But sometimes I just get emotionally exhausted. It's for the best because I was going to go with him but didn't feel like it. I don't think he would have been comfortable flirting and talking to her with me there.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top