Managing feelings....

D

Droidprincess

New member
Any good tips on handling feelings of being insecure? I have talked to both of my partners regarding my feelings. They understand and are very supportive but how do I help myself deal with the feelings?

*Background*
I am the hinge in a "V" and I have insecurities about my two male partners entertaining other women. These insecurities leave me feeling like a hypocrite and I do not like it.
 
Are you able to articulate the insecure thoughts you think that lead to you feeling upset? What are they?

  • Like X going out with a lady is bad because then I have to stop/start doing _____.
  • That is bad because then I have to stop/start doing _____ next.

Keep going like that till there is no more bad to list. What kinds of things do you fill in the blanks with?


Galagirl
 
Droidprincess, I can completely empathize with that; that was my biggest fear in my relationships. (Fortunately Hubby's decided he's monogamous, so at least I don't have to worry about it with him...)

All you can do is keep reminding yourself that you're in their lives, and they in yours, for a reason, and that reason is that they think you're a good person to have in their lives. "Better" or "worse" don't really have a place in a situation like this; it's about "different." They might get something *different* from another partner than from you, but that doesn't mean she would be better.

It's good that you were comfortable expressing your insecurities to them, and that they were understanding and supportive. Hopefully that helps you see how much you matter to them?
 
KC43 said:
Droidprincess, I can completely empathize with that; that was my biggest fear in my relationships. (Fortunately Hubby's decided he's monogamous, so at least I don't have to worry about it with him...)

All you can do is keep reminding yourself that you're in their lives, and they in yours, for a reason, and that reason is that they think you're a good person to have in their lives. "Better" or "worse" don't really have a place in a situation like this; it's about "different." They might get something *different* from another partner than from you, but that doesn't mean she would be better.

It's good that you were comfortable expressing your insecurities to them, and that they were understanding and supportive. Hopefully that helps you see how much you matter to them?
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Thank you so much!!! I needed to hear that. You are right there is no place for "better" or "worse"....you have no idea how much that one statement just helped!
 
I think it comes from a feeling of them finding something better than me.
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That's not a feeling. That is a thought. You are thinking they will find someone better than you.

How does thinking you are "less than" other people help you feel secure? When you think things that "talk down" about yourself it is like being your own bully. How is this self respecting behavior?

It's also not true. You have worth and value. You bring things to the table in a relationship. Just like your partners have worth and value and they bring things to the table. They may not be the same things, but that doesn't mean you each are not valuable as people.

Are you able to catch yourself thinking those kinds of thoughts? Are you able to correct the wonky thinking? Bring up things that you bring to the table that your partners have told you they enjoy? Like being a great cook, or a good hiking partner, or whatever it is you guys enjoy doing together? In other words -- self validate and self reassure?

Because you are not your thoughts. You are the person DOING the thinking. You can change your mind and treat yourself more kindly and more respectfully in your thoughts.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
That's not a feeling. That is a thought. You are thinking they will find someone better than you.

How does thinking you are "less than" other people help you feel secure? When you think things that "talk down" about yourself it is like being your own bully. How is this self respecting behavior?

It's also not true. You have worth and value. You bring things to the table in a relationship. Just like your partners have worth and value and they bring things to the table. They may not be the same things, but that doesn't mean you each are not valuable as people.

Are you able to catch yourself thinking those kinds of thoughts? Are you able to correct the wonky thinking? Bring up things that you bring to the table that your partners have told you they enjoy? Like being a great cook, or a good hiking partner, or whatever it is you guys enjoy doing together? In other words -- self validate and self reassure?

Because you are not your thoughts. You are the person DOING the thinking. You can change your mind and treat yourself more kindly and more respectfully in your thoughts.

Galagirl
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I could kiss you on the mouth!! I have not thought of it that way! I am being my own bully. I often feel like a crybaby after I have these thoughts.

I am going to work on killing those thoughts when I start bullying myself.
 
I want to thank everyone for their help with this. I am the boyfriend in the "V". She has expressed her insecurities a few times. I know for our side of it things are a little different. We are long distance. We talked and decided to try and let me go on dates to fulfill any needs I'm lacking from the distance. But in the end I told she still wasn't feeling well about it and I didn't enjoy the dates as much as I thought. So I told her I was going to be monogamous with her. I didn't want the added stress or to force her to " get over" it.
I am completely happy with that decision too.
 
Maccadam -- good to hear from you. I hope this new decision helps you both feel better.

Droidprincess -- do work on catching "wonky thinking" where you end up bullying your own self. Practice self validation and self reassurance. That's not a heathy way of going regardless of the relationship shape you are participating in.

Thoughts can be wrong. They aren't true just because you think them. I can wake up in the night and think I see a burglar in the corner. I can look again and when I see it is the tree outside casting shadows? I can change my mind and update the thought.

I am being my own bully. I often feel like a crybaby after I have these thoughts.
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Who wouldn't feel down? Nobody gets bullied and shouts for joy. But you can learn to say "I feel sad" plain. Rather feel sad and tack on another put down -- "I am a crybaby." It might sound persnickety, but it can give you something to look out for if you plan to break bad thinking patterns/habits. That "feel/think" thing and taking more care with your words when you talk to yourself.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Galagirl has such good advice. One trick is to pretend that the situation was happening to your best friend in the world instead of to you. What things would you say or not say to your best friend? What would you do or say to cheer her up?

A little insecurity is a normal feeling, and desensitization can help. In other words, if your partners go on dates, and then show you extra care and love so that over time you can see that nothing bad is happening after all, it may just get easier with time.
 
Annabelmore that is actually a wonderful idea! I will try that out and keep you guys updated.

Minor update: I have kind of taken a don't ask don't tell approach. ..it is kind of helping. I have also asked for their patience while I find my way.
 
Sounds like things are a little better. :)
 
As far as insecurities are getting better......the roadblock I have hig now is that my primary partener, M, is struggling with the feelings I have for Maccadam. I see from browsing this site that this can be a common growth pain in this situation. I need help with this....this is the hard part.
 
I see you asking... but what help do you need exactly? Being ok watching M feel uncomfortable a little bit? Something else?

What helpful behavior from you does M need? Is M able to ask for it?

Hard to give feedback without knowing what it is.

Could page 5 or 6 help you two sort it out any?

Galagirl
 
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Droidprincess said:
As far as insecurities are getting better......the roadblock I have hig now is that my primary partener, M, is struggling with the feelings I have for Maccadam. I see from browsing this site that this can be a common growth pain in this situation. I need help with this....this is the hard part.
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Why are M's feelings a roadblock for you? M's feelings are his own to manage. Dealing with insecurities and other emotional issues is an inside job that no one can do for anyone else. You can be compassionate and honest, and offer whatever reassurance you can, but without shrinking who you are or putting your life on hold for him. Everyone in a poly situation needs to assess their own needs and not expect others to handle their shit for them, KWIM?
 
This is M. First, let me state that I am not poly. I have feelings for one person, Droidprincess. Until about a month ago, I didn't know the word existed. Since May my have gone from monogamous to open to poly. I have been slow but steady to accept the changes. The latest change started by using the "L" word. Love. It caused me issues. I think in the long run, I'll be fine but I need time to absorb it. Nycindie, what you said about that they're my feelings is correct. I found it a bit harsh that you basically told Droidprincess to dump me if I can't get onboard. I will be reviewing the links provided.

I love her. Just finding it hard to know someone else is saying the same thing.
 
Hi Myk,

Welcome. It's good to hear your side of the story. It sounds like things have been moving rather fast for you. What you're feeling may not even be jealousy ... more a misgiving. A sense that something about this isn't right. If monogamy is all you've ever known, it can be jarring to have polyamory suddenly introduced to your life.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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