Highly sensitive person and poly

O

Oreadne

New member
I am curious if anyone here can speak to being a highly sensitive person practicing polyamory?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highly_sensitive_person

Discovering that I am an HSP was really eye-opening for me, in a similar way to realizing that I am poly. It helps to explain a lot of characteristics I have that have been easy to think of as flaws about myself - being easily emotionally overwhelmed, processing very deeply, being hyper-aware of social slights and rudeness, very empathetic, etc. Basically, I feel very deeply pretty much all of the time, in a way that I was always told I was too sensitive and too emotional. Now I feel better knowing that I am not alone and that it isn't that unusual.

I am very committed to being poly, but I think I face a slightly different or somehow more intense set of challenges than people who don't get so emotionally-aroused and overwhelmed. I am getting much better at handling jealousy and jerk-brain, but I think my really large emotional reactions to thing are definitely an added challenge, difficult on myself and my partners. Any thoughts?
 
I'm a classic HSP and an introvert to boot.

The most important issue for me, I think, is that I need to be very careful who I let into my bed and heart. The first person I loved outside of my marriage turned out to have NPD (I'm 90% sure.) It was pretty easy to convince me I was being "over-sensitive" when really, she was treating me like crap. I later learned that Cluster B's often target empaths and HSPs because we're easy for them to manipulate. So we HSP's need to be alert for red flags.

I have to take care that I don't serve as the emotional depository for relationships, meaning I do most of the feeling, processing, talking, while others sit back and enjoy the ride. I definitely brought the heart to my marriage to a rather angry, depressed alcoholic. My high sensitivity means I will probably never have lots of lovers, as much as I might like that idea, it would drain me. I need a lot of quiet alone time, and quiet one-on-one time, and I tend to abruptly leave parties/places if I'm feeling overstimulated, so anyone hoping for a companion who moves when they move will find me disappointing. Family-style poly, having lots of people in a house, especially if there's kids and dogs running around, would exhaust me utterly.

Likewise, casual sex, having a stranger all over me, is out of the question. I dabbled in promiscuity in my early 20's, and found it required an immense shutting down of my core self to protect my vulnerability.

These days, I try to choose people with high emotional intelligence and sensitivity for my inner circle, but I admit I'm often attracted to people who are my emotional flip-side, those who are cool and invulnerable and bulldoze their way through life. Unfortunately, those types tend to leave me bruised, though it's hard not to envy them sometimes.

I look forward to hearing how other HSP's protect their soft and squishy insides.
 
From what I can see online, I'm probably an HSP.

Although, even though I feel things very deeply and respond pretty profoundly to stimuli, I also don't necessarily dislike the sense of being overwhelmed, so it isn't problematic to me to have maybe a higher level of chaotic elements going on than most people do.

I was targeted by some Cluster B's earlier on in my life, so I agree with LoveBunny that we need to be on guard.
 
Oh wow that sounds just like my son and me! I handle jealousy by practicing exclusion. My husband keeps his relationships out of our life. He goes out when im otherwise occupied and he doesn't bring them around me. I did go out to the movies with one of his fuck buddies (I just needed to try to spend time with her) but I discovered that I didn't really care for her or need to be friends with her.
 
I am a HSP and introvert, but I have no issues with things in poly, perhaps because I am aways used to working on myself and on communication. When my husband dated I met her.
 
MusicalRose said:
From what I can see online, I'm probably an HSP.

Although, even though I feel things very deeply and respond pretty profoundly to stimuli, I also don't necessarily dislike the sense of being overwhelmed, so it isn't problematic to me to have maybe a higher level of chaotic elements going on than most people do.

I was targeted by some Cluster B's earlier on in my life, so I agree with LoveBunny that we need to be on guard.
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I might make a new thread, but how did you stop being targeted by this type?

I do not have HSP but I don't have ME/CFS which presents with same elements of HSP, so I understand being hyper sensitive. And I do the empathic thing a lot less than before because I have kind of learned how to shut it off at times for protection when reaching overwhelm limit. It's more like I can sort of read / feel other people's feelings and take them on board disproportionately. So at times I need to turn that off to cope. It took a long time for me to figure out how to do that and I am not sure how to describe it. Maybe similar to disassociation? I go to a similar happy place in my self and push all the emotions into a box, then step back into the present.

Anyone else do this?
 
I suppose I have some HSP traits, but not necessarily so much so as to actually be an HSP. I've certainly been overwhelmed, many times in my life.
 
LoveBunny said:
The most important issue for me, I think, is that I need to be very careful who I let into my bed and heart. The first person I loved outside of my marriage turned out to have NPD (I'm 90% sure.) It was pretty easy to convince me I was being "over-sensitive" when really, she was treating me like crap. I later learned that Cluster B's often target empaths and HSPs because we're easy for them to manipulate. So we HSP's need to be alert for red flags.

I have to take care that I don't serve as the emotional depository for relationships, meaning I do most of the feeling, processing, talking, while others sit back and enjoy the ride. I definitely brought the heart to my marriage to a rather angry, depressed alcoholic.
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I relate to so much of this (including the depressed, angry alcoholic ex-husband who I *thought* I could love enough.:eek: It's a pattern with me, savior syndrome and all that which makes me just all that easier to manipulate. (Though I'm much better at spotting it and avoiding it now than 20 years ago but I still find myself targeted too frequently.) Part of that's codependency, obviously.

I don't know if I'm truly an HSP...never diagnosed...but I certainly have many of the traits. I still occasionally struggle with some of the less desirable emotions that poly can bring out...like insecurity, jealousy, envy, and fear... but I'm much better at recognizing them, communicating them (when necessary), and processing them than before. I'm working on detaching from them (as starlight mentioned.) Sometimes I can do that well...other times, not so much. I use a lot of visualization to help me process things. I like Starlight's 'box' technique.

My current partner, Blue, is not HSP but he has some of the traits due to a past injury. Having a partner who can relate to being easily overstimulated helps a lot.
 
starlight1 said:
I might make a new thread, but how did you stop being targeted by this type?
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I don't know if I'd call myself HSP, though I do also have a lot of the signs of it.

I also found myself being targeted by the Cluster Bs (which I would consider Lora to be a part of). In general, the way that I got away from them was by keeping track of the things they said/did that concerned me (literally, having a google doc where I recorded them), and if I noticed a pattern - even of "little" things early on, I stopped trying to build any kind of friendship/relationship with them.

I think one of the biggest challenges with being a very empathetic person is that when a Cluster B does something outrageous/harmful/bad but then appears to feel genuinely bad/upset at hurting people/in a lot of pain, I want to reach out to them, as a fellow human who suffers, and offer compassion and empathy and help them. But what I've learned is that they don't really WANT help. What they do want is that cycle that causes...I'd call it an emotional orgasm. The cycle of fighting getting more and more vicious and coming to a head and being destructive, which feels all-powerful and wonderful, followed by that intense emotional guilt/sadness/depression,catharsis, followed by swearing that they WILL change, they WILL get better, and "thank you SO SO SO MUCH for being there for me ans showing me the way", ended up feeling exhausted and "spent", as so many powerful emotions (both positive and negative) flowed through them.

It's that cycle itself that some of them are hooked to. I'd say Lora (and a couple of exes of mine) fall into that category.

I think for the ones that don't have that cycle, they just like to play with someone who they feel they can manipulate, and watch all the feelings happen. But if they mask that psychopathic playing as being cruel because they genuinely don't understand, but really want to learn, then that can be a draw too. I think a lot of emotionally sensitive people believe, down to the bottom of their toes, that if we just explain it the right way, they'll get it.

They won't get it. They don't want to get it. They're not really in it to "get" it. They're in it to play with people.

So now I steer clear of them when I identify them.

Lora was a special case; she got into my life through Jon. I've never been in a position where that happened before. And I told Jon that from now on, if he has any kind of relationship with Lora, and she wants to have any kind of relationship with me, I treat her just the same as any person in my life, meaning, I call her on ALL her bullshit, and if the bullshit doesn't stop, then we stop being friends (we don't become enemies, we just cease to have a relationship).

I've also started reading a book called Controlling People by Patricia Evans. I think it might be a good book for anybody dealing with Cluster Bs. The language is somewhat simplistic, but it's very eye-opening in terms of understanding controlling people and how to deal with them.
 
LizziE said:
I think one of the biggest challenges with being a very empathetic person is that when a Cluster B does something outrageous/harmful/bad but then appears to feel genuinely bad/upset at hurting people/in a lot of pain, I want to reach out to them, as a fellow human who suffers, and offer compassion and empathy and help them. But what I've learned is that they don't really WANT help. What they do want is that cycle that causes...I'd call it an emotional orgasm. The cycle of fighting getting more and more vicious and coming to a head and being destructive, which feels all-powerful and wonderful, followed by that intense emotional guilt/sadness/depression,catharsis, followed by swearing that they WILL change, they WILL get better, and "thank you SO SO SO MUCH for being there for me ans showing me the way", ended up feeling exhausted and "spent", as so many powerful emotions (both positive and negative) flowed through them.

It's that cycle itself that some of them are hooked to.
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Yes to all of this. Emotional orgasm, lol. I like that term! It's very fitting.

LizziE said:
I've also started reading a book called Controlling People by Patricia Evans. I think it might be a good book for anybody dealing with Cluster Bs. The language is somewhat simplistic, but it's very eye-opening in terms of understanding controlling people and how to deal with them.
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I'll definitely check that out. I have someone with strong narcissistic traits in my life that I can't seem to shake.
 
Just to clairify, HSP is NOT a diagnosis, it is a cluster of personality traits that one can deal with better of worse. I usually feeling less sensitive in my daily life as I deal with it well, that doesn't mean my personality is not wired towards noticing every little detail.
 
On the plus side, I think being an HSP makes me pretty good at relationships. I notice subtle changes in people's moods, I'm empathetic to people's problems, and because I'm so easily hurt by slights and rejection, I'm very careful of others. I'm not saying I'm NEVER insensitive--we all get caught up in our own crap sometimes, but on the whole, being with an HSP offers certain challenges, but also certain benefits.

I don't have jealousy issues and don't mind sharing my lovers. My first serious adult relationship (not including my high school boyfriend) was a polycule. I was 20. I didn't even try monogamy until I was 30-something. So I don't usually get jealous. I do, however, experience envy. If I don't have something (or someone) I want and someone else does, it eats me up good.
 
starlight1 said:
I might make a new thread, but how did you stop being targeted by this type?
Click to expand...

This can end up being a really long answer that I actually turned into a workshop and presented at Poly Living Philadelphia and Atlanta Poly Weekend this year. If you want to PM me, I can give you my email address and share my workshop notes with you or have a more in-depth discussion so we don't derail the thread.

Or you can start a new thread and I can try to put a more robust explanation in there.
 
MusicalRose said:
This can end up being a really long answer that I actually turned into a workshop and presented at Poly Living Philadelphia and Atlanta Poly Weekend this year. If you want to PM me, I can give you my email address and share my workshop notes with you or have a more in-depth discussion so we don't derail the thread.

Or you can start a new thread and I can try to put a more robust explanation in there.
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I love the idea of a thread on this. I bet a lot of cluster b's work the poly community. For the probable narcissist I dated, poly was a perfect excuse to openly triangulate her lovers, and a great way to never give anyone closure and always leave everything as nebulous and confusing as possible. Sometimes I think the whole emphasis on "managing your own emotions" in poly makes for easy victim-blaming, too.
 
Good topic, I've saved the location.
 
Wow, I don't know what to think about this. They'll pathologize almost anything these days and call it a syndrome, disorder, or what-have-you, and that makes it too easy for people to categorize themselves, throw up their hands, and say, "so that's why I am this way," instead of finding more constructive ways to manage life's challenges (not saying you are doing that, OP, but it is a common trap people get caught up in). HSP, "Cluster B," NPD, "avoidant" - it boggles the mind, really, how many slots we can insert people, and ourselves, into. Then all we need do is buy the so-called experts' books about it and use those as recipes for living?

So, you're highly sensitive. I'm highly sensitive, too. Okay, what does that have to do with life and how we live it? Everybody is unique, with unique histories and unique perspectives - what can identifying with the latest trendy category actually do for you? I'm truly curious.
 
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nycindie said:
Wow, I don't know what to think about this. They'll pathologize almost anything these days and call it a syndrome, disorder, or what-have-you, and that makes it too easy for people to categorize themselves, throw up their hands, and say, "so that's why I am this way," instead of finding more constructive ways to manage life's challenges (not saying you are doing that, OP, but it is a common trap people get caught up in). HSP, "Cluster B," NPD, "avoidant" - it boggles the mind, really, how many slots we can insert people, and ourselves, into. Then all we need do is buy the so-called experts' books about it and use those as recipes for living?

So, you're highly sensitive. I'm highly sensitive, too. Okay, what does that have to do with life and how we live it? Everybody is unique, with unique histories and unique perspectives - what can identifying with the latest trendy category actually do for you? I'm truly curious.
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High sensitive is NOT pathology, it is not a diagnosis and the books that are out there on the subject focus on how you yourself can get Insight in how you work and how you best can take care of yourself and interact with others. There has been written a lot about high sensivitivy before in relation to introverts (most introverts are highly sensitive, a 3/4 of highly sensitive people are introverts, to there is an overlap although it is not all the same).

Cluster B, NPD etc. are PERSONALITY DISORDERS, meaning there is something comepletely fucked up about the way you look at yourself and the world.

Hightly sensitive, on the other hand, just means that you notice details, both good and bad. A lot of artists are probably highly sensitive.

Everyone is unique but personality analysis (and in some cases diagnosis) can be helpful for understanding.

Here is some general info about HP: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highly_sensitive_person
 
Why WOULDN'T we use modern psychology to make sense out of our lives? When certain patterns emerge quite clearly, why wouldn't you call a duck a duck?

Knowing I'm HSP (which is NOT a personality disorder and is NOT just being a normally sensitive individual) is extremely helpful. I understand why certain things that don't get to other people can leave me so utterly rattled. I understand that the feeling I have that I'm lacking in some kind of natural armor that others possess is not inaccurate. It allows me to acknowledge and accept this about myself, and take care of myself accordingly.

Knowing that someone else is a narcissist or borderline (personality disorder) means I understand WHY they behave the way the do. When they go from idolizing and lovebombing to cold and discarding in an instant, I understand that IT ISN'T ME. I cannot tell you how important it is for people targeted by a Cluster B to know that.

Acknowledging these things about yourself or others doesn't mean you just stop working on yourself, throw up your hands, and call it a day. It is a means of understanding, acknowledging, and accepting.
 
LoveBunny said:
Acknowledging these things about yourself or others doesn't mean you just stop working on yourself, throw up your hands, and call it a day. It is a means of understanding, acknowledging, and accepting.
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Also, based on the other posts I've read from people here, I don't think most of the people weighing in on this take it as a black-and-white "this is the only reality"-type thing. If I know someone is a Cluster B, and if gives me suggestions on how to deal with a Cluster B person, then I can try those out. I won't INSIST on making them work because a book (or website or whatever) told me they work on Cluster Bs. But getting those suggestions could give me a framework for where to start on dealing with a Cluster B.

At the end of the day I (and I think most posters here) will do what's best for us (or what works best when dealing with a difficult person), regardless of what tests/books/websites/whatever says. But those resources do often provide valuable information to speed up the process for finding the best way to handle things.
 
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