Helping the new guy (Need suggestions please!)

[polykitten]

OKAY so I wrote up this really long post explaining the situation and... backspaced on accident. So here's a shorter, better version:

I have been dating this guy named Seth since October 30th, 2006. We both met this wonderful man named Nate who we both fell head over heels for who, before we were even dating even, moved across the country to live with us. On March 23rd of this year we finally caved and declared our love for each other and have been in a very happy relationship since then!

Of course, with all relationships there's been a few issues that I'm not sure how to go about fixing.

Nate is very hung up on the fact that me and Seth have a decade behind us while he's the new guy because he's really insecure and fears not being important. Which is understandable because he's had a very long history of messy relationships and people who've treated him like he wasn't the sweetest, most wonderful man alive. He's used to being treated like he isn't important, and therefore is intimidated by the length of time me and Seth have with each other. I decided I wanted to show him a lot of extra love (after discussing it with Seth) to try and help him understand that he is our entire universe and he is the most important thing to have ever happened to us.

Unfortunately in doing so, Seth now fears that I love Nate more than him. Even though I discussed it with him beforehand and got the okay to give him extra love. Because of this, Seth is starting to pine for my attention and makes it really obvious, causing Nate to feel like Seth doesn't love him.

SO basically I need help in regards to:

1) How can I make Nate feel important and wanted without accidentally making Seth feel insecure?

2) Is there any way I can comfort Nate about the fact that me and Seth have so much time behind us? Is there anyway I can help him realize that he is just an important and loved and the time doesn't change that?

3) Also how in the world do I get two men to talk to each other about their feelings and just in general? They seem to fear coming off as bad boyfriends if they express their emotions, so how do I make them feel more comfy with their feelings?

What doesn't help is all three of us are diagnosed with some pretty severe mental illnesses (I'm diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and so is one of my boyfriends. The other is diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder spectrum)

I love them both more than anything in the world and I want to knock them both square on their beautiful dumb heads for thinking otherwise, BUT that doesn't solve anything lol...

Help??

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

1) How can I make Nate feel important and wanted without accidentally making Seth feel insecure?

You could accept you cannot MAKE Nate or Seth feel things. But you could ask each one what behaviors you could do to help him feel more secure and know he is important to you. Then do them if they are reasonable requests.

If what is causing Nate/Seth to feel insecure are him having wonky thoughts on the inside, HE has to be the one to change those. You could encourage him to work on that but at the same time, back off and let him do his job. It is not your job.

2) Is there any way I can comfort Nate about the fact that me and Seth have so much time behind us? Is there anyway I can help him realize that he is just an important and loved and the time doesn't change that?

You could tell him he is important and loved regardless of time. You could also ask him when Nate will give himself permission to relax about it. Surely once he "clocks into double digits" like Seth, right? If not sooner?

You could tell him you look forward to the ability to count in decades with him too, and in the meanwhile, you would like him to not let this be a big shadow over you guys. It's not necessary.

Ultimately him realizing things is up to him.

3) Also how in the world do I get two men to talk to each other about their feelings and just in general? They seem to fear coming off as bad boyfriends if they express their emotions, so how do I make them feel more comfy with their feelings?

Again, it is not your job to make them comfy with their feelings. Each personal is in charge of their own emotional management.

You could report what you see, could encourage them to solve it, and could back off and let them have space to figure it out. If they are trying to make you be the messenger between them, you could say "No. I cannot be the messenger. I think you are best off telling him directly yourself."

Could ask them if being a "good boyfriend" include being a "good communicator?" If so, how about doing more of the "good boyfriend" behaviors then instead of NOT doing behaviors from fear of being deemed a bad boyfriend by the other one? Then back off and let them have space to figure it out in.

Since you guys have things going on like borderline and obsessive compulsive disorder.... you guys may want to brush up on toolbox stuff so as not to trigger each other. Maybe some of those techniques help. Especially maintaining boundaries and "my stuff - your stuff."

Do you guys also have a counselor that could help? With you being borderline, I am concerned that you might get over involved in "their stuff" just because you feel emotionally uncomfortable and want the yucky feelings/anxiety on your part to go away. But you cannot make it go faster than it does. It's new still. It's simply going to feel a bit weird for a while. The "old normal" way of going changed and the "new normal" way of going is still not here yet.

You don't have to feel comfortable to be safe. Be ok being a little uncomfortable as all the legs of the triangle find their bearings. It will take time.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi polykitten,

I believe the two things you need most here are patience and time. Rather than trying to give Nate the deluxe treatment, I would aim for fairness, and I would have weekly sit-downs with Seth and Nate, to ask them what their needs are and to share your needs. As Nate observes over time that he can expect you to value him as much as you do Seth, his insecure feelings will start to go away. I don't know of any shortcuts to get to that goal, however.

If you'll keep us posted here on how things are going, I'll try to think of more thoughts and advice to give. For now I mostly think it's all about working things out a little at a time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[IndieSolo]

I don't quantify love, so I don't know how one gives somebody "extra love." Does that mean that someone else gets less love? Unless what you really mean is you've been giving Nate more attention?

Just be yourself. Be kind, compassionate, affectionate, and loving to both guys, without trying to achieve any particular effect. Just be present and aware of what/who needs attention in the moment, rather than basing your behavior and interactions on what you think someone might feel better about. You're not responsible for taking care of their insecurities - they are.

 

[polykitten]

Thank you guys for the input!

I guess a lot of the issue here derives a lot from personality disorder (thank you for the links, Galagal by the way! A very good read) and how concerned I get over the well being of those I love. Both because if they are unhappy I see it as a failure on my end as a partner, but also I fear losing them if they feel unwanted in the relationship. My disordered brain equates unhappy with abandonment, which now that I type that out it sounds a tad bit selfish and I should back off and let things develop as they do.

I also, in general, have a very sensitive soul and naturly want to take upon other people's problems and help fix them (again, that my stuff - your stuff link was a GREAT help). And even with this stuff being explained I still desperately want to do something to make things better.

I guess the whole decade thing is a big deal to Nate, also, because we are all very young. I'm 23, Seth is 22 and Nate is 20. So a decade is half of our life thus far making it seem all the more big them it really is in the long run.

And what meant by "more love" was more just every once in a while doing something extra for him like an extra date or an extra make out session or something like that. I don't actually put more LOVE into either one at a time, but occasionally I'll do something special. I explained that in the long version of the post that got deleted and forgot to mention it in the new one whoops!

Also forgive me if I missed anything or typoed, on mobile right now. Again, thank you so very much for your advice! The good thing is this isn't a HUGE issue and in time I trust it'll work itself out

EDIT: oh! Also! Weekly sit downs sound like a great idea and I'll be sure to do that!

 

[kdt26417]

Yeah, I think those sit-downs will prove to be helpful.

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad it helps.

And even with this stuff being explained I still desperately want to do something to make things better.

What is things? Better for who? Do you mean "I desperately want to do something to make my anxiety better for me while waiting this out?"

If so, that IS your job to do. Could figure out how to manage it and how to help yourself decompress. Again, you don't have to feel entirely comfortable to be safe here. Some minor anxiety discomfort while giving the guys time and space to sort out their stuff won't hurt you.

Maybe go take a walk to use up the excess anxiety energy? And if acts of service is your love language -- Bake each one their fav cookie to show he's important to you?

Galagirl

 

[Norwegianpoly]

we are all very young. I'm 23, Seth is 22 and Nate is 20. So a decade is half of our life thus far making it seem all the more big them it really is in the long run.

Ten years IS a long time. For adult relationships. But basically, Nate is jealous because you and Seth used to date when you were 12 years old? That seems a bit...odd. You have had an adult relationship for a couple of years. But anyway, there is nothing you can do to make up for having known one of them longer. All you can do is love each person NOW.

 

[MrsBrightside]

I'm in a similar situation, our third has been seeing us (mostly my partner) for about a month and a bit; my anchor and I have been together 11 years and I'm sure it's intimidating. She has admitted to feeling 'extra' and we do our best to reassure her, but there's only so much you can do; eventually Nate will have to find a certain amount of security in himself and trust you and Seth.

I am similar in that I'm a 'fixer', if I see a problem I wanna do everything I can to fix it. But you are not the only person in this relationship, so everyone is gonna have to do their fair share to make sure things are running smoothly; that means being supportive of each other and communicating their needs/when they are feeling insecure. Often just talking about it helps a LOT, so I am echoing the weekly sit-downs.

 

[polykitten]

is things? Better for who? Do you mean "I desperately want to do something to make my anxiety better for me while waiting this out?"

If so, that IS your job to do. Could figure out how to manage it and how to help yourself decompress. Again, you don't have to feel entirely comfortable to be safe here. Some minor anxiety discomfort while giving the guys time and space to sort out their stuff won't hurt you.

Maybe go take a walk to use up the excess anxiety energy? And if acts of service is your love language -- Bake each one their fav cookie to show he's important to you?

Galagirl

Yeah, I'm mostly looking to ease the anxiety of worrying about something going wrong. Which actually in between my replies here I've set out to re-join the local animal shelter for volunteering so I'll have an extra little something to go to to decompress and destress. Walks also sound like a GREAT idea and I'll definitely take those up too. I've never been too good at managing stress, but after a lot of soul searching I've realized I need to handle things. We're all at the brink of adulthood and need to learn to mature, especially because we have the intention to make this last the rest of our lives.

Also the baking cookies idea is actually really cute. I should do that! Thank you.

Ten years IS a long time. For adult relationships. But basically, Nate is jealous because you and Seth used to date when you were 12 years old? That seems a bit...odd. You have had an adult relationship for a couple of years. But anyway, there is nothing you can do to make up for having known one of them longer. All you can do is love each person NOW.

Well, I'm not going to downplay his anxieties even if you think they may be odd. I take my boyfriend's worries very seriously and do whatever I can to help fix whatever ails them if I can. Both me and Seth have had a pretty serious thing since we were younger. Even if we were young we realized we clicked great and were destined to meet and fall in love. Adulthood or not, I made the mature decision to settle down with him at an early age. Which may be unconventional, but love is love and it happens how it does.

Thank you, though, for your reassurance. I get so caught up in it all that I realize that there is nothing I can truly do to make up for the years, other than to show my love right now as it is!

I'm in a similar situation, our third has been seeing us (mostly my partner) for about a month and a bit; my anchor and I have been together 11 years and I'm sure it's intimidating. She has admitted to feeling 'extra' and we do our best to reassure her, but there's only so much you can do; eventually Nate will have to find a certain amount of security in himself and trust you and Seth.

I am similar in that I'm a 'fixer', if I see a problem I wanna do everything I can to fix it. But you are not the only person in this relationship, so everyone is gonna have to do their fair share to make sure things are running smoothly; that means being supportive of each other and communicating their needs/when they are feeling insecure. Often just talking about it helps a LOT, so I am echoing the weekly sit-downs.

I'm sorry you're in a similar position, but it really feels good knowing I'm not the only one having this issue. For a little while I've been thinking like I'm doing something totally wrong and it's kept me up at night ever since I made this post haha, so it's great to know that it isn't an uncommon feeling! Thank you so much for your input, it means so very much to hear. Especially from another who understands my issue with trying to fix things.

I'll most definitely take the advice for the weekly sit downs! And in time I'm sure things will settle and feel better as they develop. I believe in my sweethearts with all of my heart and I know that this will even itself out eventually. It's just the anxiety of waiting that gets me!

(I also hope your partner finds peace and comfort soon, because I'm sure it's hard to feel like an 'extra'. My heart goes out to her!)

 

[GalaGirl]

Yeah, I'm mostly looking to ease the anxiety of worrying about something going wrong.

Being hyper vigilant doesn't help your condition. Are you able to spot the things going RIGHT? Reassure yourself that you CAN handle things, regardless of what may come up? Maybe that could help reduce the anxiety/stress some.

Galagirl