(...continued from previous)
Being with Beckett taught ME empathy for Rider's past positions, too. I suddenly understood how it felt to really wish I could be in two places at once. And how compelling it could be to want to contact one person while you are with another. And how it can be frustrating to try to balance more than one person in my schedule. A couple times, I had to turn down rare chances for more time with Beckett the very next day after I'd seen him, because I'd already promised Rider the following day for reconnection. I'd felt an artificial limit there, and it was constricting and a little uncomfortable. I was happy to give Rider the time, but at the same time, I felt like it limited how far what I had with Beckett could grow.
The rate at which we both continue to learn things is quite staggering, really. It makes me wonder how much else there is to learn. I knew going into poly that it would be a whole new thing, but it really is an ever-widening vista of things to learn, like unlocking areas of a map in a video game. You have to get through one area to even see what lies in the next area to conquer. And it's all an inner landscape—conquering yourself rather than others. And I know that a year and a half isn't even that much time at all. I pretty much just accept at this point that as much as I have already learned, I still know almost nothing.
Another momentous conversation that we had was that he thinks he might be done having sex with Kelly. Not for reason to do with her or their connection—he'd still do it if there were a good opportunity—but that there's not really any time to get any solo visits for them in between now and when we leave for Opposite Coast. We'll be seeing her three times, but they are all in the context of group visits that will happen on more of a friend level. We may or may not end up having a threesome or whatever, if we all feel like it, but he isn't really expecting that or to have alone time with her. Which makes sense, given that he and I will be on a road trip together and it doesn't really make sense for him to leave me to my own devices amongst HIS friends in a town I have never been to, when he is the one who has promised to show me around. And she's about to get too busy with school to visit again before we leave.
The OTHER really interesting conversation that we had, which started over dinner but has continued on to today, was the topic of exclusivity in chastity. Over dinner, I had mentioned that doing chastity was very deeply connected to him in my mind because he's the first and only person I've ever done that with. He said he thinks it would be hot if I were to do it with someone else—that he likes the idea of my taking to other people the skills I've learned with him. The conversation moved on, but throughout the night and the morning, I kept thinking about it.
My mind harked back to
the conversation about exclusivity in chastity that we'd originally had back in May, and
the subsequent conversation in which we explored whether it might be something I'd want to do to try exclusive key-holding for someone else who might be into that sort of thing. At the time, the idea of finding such a person had seemed kind of attractive to me, but right now, it doesn't at all. I feel like that game is so specifically tied to Rider and to his cock in my mind that it would be so much less fun with others as to be kind of worthless to participate in. Adding to that that Rider was uncomfortable with my even ACCIDENTALLY devoting large chunks of my mental energy toward Beckett, and that game takes very large chunks of PURPOSEFUL mental energy. It doesn't seem like something that is worth the price to me. So I decided that I think I want to do that only with him.
When I mentioned this to him, I made sure to be clear that I wasn't asking for the same on his end. We'd been through that before in the original conversation, and he'd been VERY vehemently opposed to exclusivity for that activity. Like, we had a fight that turned into a two-day discussion when I'd even tossed it out as a possibility for upping the ante of the game. In this case, I was only informing him of my intentions on my end, and why. I apologized if that disappointed him, since he'd said the idea of my doing it with someone else turned him on, but that I really liked the idea of something that gets me all stirred up that is also specific to him and I don't do it with anyone else.
I found his response to this kind of surprising: he decided to offer me exclusivity completely of his own accord.
How about this? At the time, I didn't want to take this off of the table with Kelly because I know it was a thing that she's really into. Now, you and I are engaged. I think it's fair for me to offer you the exclusivity on chastity if it's something you want with me. I wouldn't mind telling Kelly that it's off the table if it came up, and besides, there are other things that I could explore with her [I guess presuming that they did have another opportunity to have sex].
I'd want to put a few conditions on it, though, if it were something that you were interested in doing with me. I'd want it to be exclusive for both of us, so we'd be monogamous on this one thing. If you wanted to include it in a threesome, I would be totally cool with that, but it would be your call. I'd also want to explore it with you at the rate that we've been exploring it, meaning once a month at minimum. If we fell out of practice with it or lost interest in it, I would want to be able to option it back into free use. Basically, I would never want it to be off the table just because we're not doing it. If that makes any sense. I'd also like to periodically shop for a new device with you.
I said that of course that would all be fine with me. I did have to wonder aloud to him if the reason he suddenly changed his mind about this was that he would probably not be hooking up with Kelly anymore. He said:
My thinking about it has shifted. Before, I think I was nervous about making it exclusive because I didn't want to have to deny her something that she might want to do, knowing that it's a thing that she's into. But it's more than that now.
I would say at the time, it was a push and pull issue, and I wasn't completely comfortable with the idea of telling her yes we can do a thing, and then taking it away from her. But now, I see it as...I'm wearing a ring for you. I want to give you certain exclusivity that will honor you and show you love, but things that I believe will also enrich our enjoyment and happiness. This is a fine example. Even at the time, I agreed that I thought it would be enhanced by exclusivity, but I just wasn't yet comfortable with the exclusivity. I've also watched us ramp it up so much, and I'm just soooo curious where it's going to go from here, especially if we boost it this way.
I think that's really a sweet way of explaining it. I love that he's so willing to get into the "whys" of things with me when I ask. Understanding the motivations behind the things he does is very interesting and important to me.
On non-Rider fronts:
I am having dinner with Georgia tonight. It's been longer than usual because she had some medical stuff going on and had to cancel the last time.
I'm looking forward to my local birthday party. It seems that Allie, Pablo, and Aurora will all be there, which is awesome, along with a host of my other friends. My pregnant friend just got put on bed rest for the next few weeks, so she can't make it, but a bunch of other people will be there.
I'm also looking forward to my Football Town party. Sam is going to try to make it to that one, and I've invited my friend who lives in Football town who was roommates with Moss and me before we were married. I haven't seen that kid in a dog's age.
Kelly was properly asked out by her crush, who she tends to simply call "Man" even though he has a name. I guess I'll call him Man too then. Haha. She messaged me this morning with a screenshot of his text asking her out. I'm excited for her.
I also (with Rider's permission and after checking with her first to make sure she'd want to see them) sent her a couple of pictures of Rider all tied up last night. We talked for a while about rope marks and how they are kind of cool looking, and she recommended some tutorials and books on shibari because I said I was interested in learning how to make patterns out of them once I get some time.
I talked to Moss for a bit over the weekend. We're both excited to be living closer together again, though I probably will never take things back in to the realm of the romantic with him again. Who knows, though, we might still sometimes have cuddles that lead to more physically. I have a great deal of fondness for him.
I took some time off of work today to pick up an elderly neighbor from the hospital. Rider drove her there this morning, and I had offered to pick her up. She really has no one local, and Rider kind of stands in for her as a surrogate son, helping her with computer problems and emergencies and such. In return, she usually watches the animals when we go away. We haven't let on to her that we are engaged yet, but I overheard her talking to Rider last night about how she could see marriage in our future. I had a little squee.
I told Rider that we could make the announcement whenever he is ready now. My period of wanting to hibernate about it and secretly enjoy it is over. He still hasn't told his dad or his last significant ex that he is still friends with that he feels like he should tell before it's public. I told him to take his time. I'm not in any rush. I just wanted to let him know that it's on his timeline at this point.
