Being the Newbie to a poly couple- long distance

It simply sounds like they want you to enjoy yourself and not hold yourself back from immersing yourself in the experience of dating. Why wouldn't they want you to have fun with dates or have a lover locally, after all -- unless you prefer someone to be possessive and controlling? Sounds silly, right? When I love, I want the people I love to know they are free. I want them to be happy and able to find and accept love wherever it comes to them. I don't want to be stingy with my love. Perhaps your couple sees it similarly.

Some questions to prompt some thoughts about it: Did you have some idea that you need to make sure they're okay with or give permission for you to live your life as you see fit, taking in the love you find, and expressing your independence and sexuality authentically? Were you hoping to make them jealous as a way to know how much they care about you? Or were you looking for some kind of affirmation of whether you're "doing poly right?"
 
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If they are poly, they seem to be well versed in practicing "compersion," ie: getting vicarious pleasure when you are having fun.

If they were encouraging you to date others merely to "get rid of you," that would make them monogamous. And of course, if they wanted to get rid of you, they could just say that. Break up. But no, they are interested in seeing you, and doing activities when you are apart that can help keep the bond growing.

I think it is very healthy for you to date others locally while also maintaining this LDR.
 
Hi Pitagal,

I can't guarantee that your LDR couple isn't hoping you'll replace them; however, I don't think that's what's happening here. I think they're showing a good example of compersion, and honestly wanting you to have a good time.

Keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm also gonna go with compersion! I would be super enthused if my meta was going on a date and excited about it. :) Although, I have been worried about being encouraging our third to go on dates because I'd be worried she would think we were not that into her or something. Honestly I'd just want her to be happy though and if dating others would do that then I would tell her to go for it!

If they are used to being poly, and it isn't a closed triad where you all have agreed only to date each other, it does seem like a normal response where they would be happy for you. I wouldn't over-think it too much. :)
 
Taking a step back

After reading everyone's advice and thinking thungs through I made the decision that I felt that I jumped before even knowing what was on the other side. I made things very awkward and uncomfortable because of my inability to communicate wht I was feeling. Some back story my ex boyfriend came back into my life and and really messed with my head and emotions. This all happened two days before I was supposed to visit my couple. He turned me around to the point that I also was going to call off my visit. Well after I realized that my ex was just playing games I decided that I would still go visit my couple but on my terms. Which in hindsight made everything go wrong. I flew out to Virginia and they picked me up and there was already tension in the air. The wife is no nonsense and doesn't believe in letting people hide behind silence so she started talking to me. She is very straight forward and almost sounded upset so I tried answering her questions but in all honesty I didn't know how to articulate what I was feeling. I felt attacked and tried to push past it. We got to the hotel and we went out for drinks and I ended up sleeping with the husband and the wife slept in the other bed. Then in the morning I woke up to her next to me. It all seemed fine. I couldn't have been more wrong. They have a routine where they take a shower together every morning so I got ready to go work out. They had breakfast in the room and I went and worked out. I'm in a 90 day physical fitness challenge contest. So after my workout we all got ready for the day. They arranged a wonderful private wine tour for me. The husband and I know nothing about wines except if it tastes good or not. The wife is much more sophisticated so I felt like I was embarrassing her the whole time. The husband went to give me water and I moved the glass and he spilled it out and I felt like I was with my mother instead of a girlfriend. Him and I couldn't stop laughing. But got the look of evil from her. After that I felt that I couldn't be myself so I was very serious the rest of the day. After the tour we were pretty drunk so we came back to the hotel and all fell asleep. I woke up two hours later and they were both still sleeping. I woke up next to the wife and I wanted to kiss her so bad but I didn't know if she would get upset if I woke her so I kissed her lightly on her shoulder. Then we got dressed up for my birthday dinner. We took a taxi and headed out to a downtown plaza filled with shops and bars. A college town. It was very quaint and romantic to me. When we are in public they are the couple and I am the friend. So I tend to distance myself and just enjoy the ambiance and people watch. Of course they don't understand it so they ask me repeatedly are you ok? After getting back to the hotel it was even more awkward. I wasn't feeling good but I didn't want to tell them that so I just kind of sat in a chair quietly and hoping I'd feel better. They were very sexual so I figured they could just have sex without me. They asked me to join and I was t into it. Mistake #2- I should have just told them. But instead I tried to get into it and it was awkward and I felt like I was doing everything wrong and it just didn't end well. I ended up just going through the motions and upsetting both of them although I didn't know it at the time except that I everything I tried they would say please stop that isn't working. So in the end they pleasured each other. Then in the morning we got up and packed and they took their shower and then I took my shower and when I got out the wife wanted me so we made out and played and then the husband took over. On the car ride home I was quiet and just played games on my phone and listened to music. Well by the time we got home I was interrogated again by the wife and asking me what is wrong and why was I making everything awkward? Again I felt like I was being attacked. I tried again to tell her how I was feeling- that I don't want to fall in love with her husband because I don't think he will ever be able to give me what I need. He's very much in love with his wife and I feel like I'm competing and I don't like that feeling. I told her I loved her but then she told me she didn't want a girlfriend for her own. She only wanted me to have threesomes with. Which stung a little. I pushed past it and spent the day planting with her and being domesticated. And I have to tell you me feeling needed and that I was helping out instead of being in the way makes me feel more comfortable. We had a nice day and then I drank and got a little tipsy and then her and I were talking and I told her all about my ex boyfriend. Then we all fell asleep together. The next day was a very nice day. Again I just helped clean the kitchen and did some more planting while they did yard work. It was very nice and I felt very at ease. Then she drove me to the airport and we talked again but in a different way. She apologized for coming off bitchy and I told her that I'm sorry for not being able to communicate how I was feeling. We both decided that we will be friends and spend time together but I definitely need to work in myself first and love myself. We talked like girlfriends and I feel closer to her than ever. As for the husband I'm not really sure how that will all play out. We have our Vegas weekend coming up in October. I just know that I care about them both but I'm not exclusive with them and the pressure is finally gone. Could I have done anything different or do you think that I did the wrong thing? Again thank you all for all your help and any advice!
 
I don't think you did anything wrong! I think Couple could be a little less sledge-hammery with checking in on you (I know personally if I'm uncomfortable those kinds of questions just make me want to run if I'm not ready to talk about it!) Although I definitely think you should have been honest that you weren't into the sex; I would feel horrible if my third felt like she should just go along with it for our sake. Don't be afraid to have needs and boundaries! You respect theirs, so they can respect yours in return I'm sure. :)

I'm glad the pressure is gone, that sounds like not being exclusive is a good thing for you. I worry about our third sometimes, that we can't give her what she really needs but she is not willing to see it yet, even though she struggles with being so far away and us having a lot of time together. It's hard to discuss that though unless she brings it up, otherwise it sounds like I want to be rid of her or something. So definitely communicate your needs and really dig deep and be honest with yourself! Good luck. :)
 
Pitagal said:
Question- Is it normal when in a LDR triad to tell the couple that you are going on a date? Or specifically is it normal for the couple to tell me to have a great time on my date? It actually bothers me. When they ask me if I'm going on a date and they want me to dress up really pretty and they hope I have a great time. For Poly people in guessing this is normal. For me I feel like they want me to find someone else.. Very confusing to me..
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I think it's something that is common in poly itself, not just long distance triads. For example, my husband and I are going away this weekend for our anniversary. My other partner is excited for me, has told me that the shoes I bought yesterday for the trip are pretty (and patiently sat through me saying "Look, they sparkle! I love that they sparkle!" He's definitely not the type of guy who cares that my shoes sparkle, but he did respond positively for my sake), and looked at the hotel that we are staying in and reassured me that it looks great.

On the flip side, my husband is always excited for me when I get to see my other partner. The other partner and I just started a Dominate/submissive relationship after being friends with benefits for years. My husband has helped me pick out outfits to wear on my dates with my Dom, because he's better at that type of thing than I am and he knows I'm already a little anxious about the change in the dynamic, so he wants to help me succeed. The night before last my Dom contacted me to ask if I had to work yesterday and if not, if I wanted to spend some time together. My husband was thrilled that my Dom had suggested that (usually we get together once every three weeks or so but our last date was a week and a half ago), got up earlier than he was planning on, and moved our plans forward a few hours so I could take advantage of my Dom's offer.

I wouldn't read too much into their words. It sounds like they are happy for you and want you to be happy :).
 
Ofredandblue- First off thank you for your support. After reading what you are going through maybe we can help each other. Are you in the closet with your poly life? My couple is which I think makes it more difficult in an already confusing world for me. I panicked and want to run. I was falling in love with the husband and it literally scared me to the point that I didn't know if I should see them anymore. I love her but at such a deep intimate level and it doesn't feel the same as with a man. I'm attracted to her physically and emotionally. I just wish I hadn't felt so on eggshells around her. After taking away labels it has eased my mind. I know from my own experience that I put so much pressure on myself because I was afraid of them not wanting me anymore. So I tried to "fit in" instead of being myself. As someone who has always been monagamous it is way out of my comfort zone. I feel like maybe I should feel a different way or want their approval all the time. I don't trust men so that has caused a lot of insecurities for me. They are both strong dominant personalities and I don't. So honestly I tend to think I'm not strong enough for them. And then I wonder what do I bring to the relationship because her and I are a lot alike. It doesn't make sense to me most of the time. I wish you the best with your third.. It's definitely not easy but without risk there is no reward.
 
And to all who helped me understand compersion better. They just want me to be happy and however that may be. They do truly care about me. So I'm going to embrace that! I won't be dating not because I can't but because I have decided to find out who I am without a man in my life...
 
So I'm now at a cross roads. I know that because I worried so much about the relationship that I sucked the fun out of polyamory. Can you get the NRE back after what has happened- (refer to previous posts) or should I just realize that it's over? We have one more set meeting in Las Vegas. We are going to a Music Festival for three days. I am just so confused as to what to do. I feel like I really screwed things up.. Anybody else ever feel
this way in the beginning?
 
I don't know about everybody else, but I know I can get NRE back with someone I previously quit seeing.

I think it's a good sign that you are still invited. Perhaps they just chalked it up to you being nervous. Just relax and enjoy yourself. Don't go in with any expectations. Probably easier said than done, but that is how I view everything these days.
 
Thank you! That gives me hope. I asked them if they wanted me to get my own hotel room but they both said No. We want you to stay with us. But our communication isn't where it used to be. So I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I don't even know if I should flirt with them anymore or just be friendly.. I'm really at a loss at what to say or do next?
 
I hear you about wanting to impress them. But ultimately, I think you should stop worrying about what they might think and be yourself. I pick up a lot of fear in your posts about not wanting to upset them by saying you need some time to process, or by saying what you're really thinking.

At least with me, with NRE I really want to impress the person I'm with. And it's really a struggle not to compromise who I am for the sake of a relationship. But it's better if you don't for a lot of reasons.

Would you really want to be with them if you have to constantly walk on eggshells about being who you are? If you aren't honest about your worries and feelings, it's not honest to yourself... and it's not honest to them. They can't decide whether to make adjustments for you if they don't know that you need adjustments to be made! The tone you set now is going to be a lot harder to change later, and it's better to find out now that you aren't compatible than after you've possibly invested years into the relationship. Do you really want to be stuck where you are five years down the line?

Don't view it as screwing up, view it as an opportunity for growth. :) Every time you think you could have done something better, it lets you think about ways to do it better next time.
 
AutumnLeaves-you are very right that I was trying to be someone else for them. I want to be myself. I do have a lot of fears. I am struging with my faith, if this lifestyle is truly for me, and getting over a bad divorce. I enjoy being a girlfriend with the wife. I feel like I can tell her anything and she will understand. The husband said he wanted to love me and have a real relationship with me. But the thought really frightened me. So I just distanced myself from him. I still chat with him on a surface level. I do want to remain friends with them. I don't think it will ever be more than that because she wants to keep everything behind closed doors because they have s business they have a business they run together. So I will try and view every opportunity as a learning one. Thank you for your support..
 
I suggest just be yourself and do what you feel like. Don't worry about whether you should do this or that, just let your heart be your guide.

NRE is a temporary state of mind. It always fades away sooner or later. Good relationships can carry on long after NRE has passed. And NRE is something that just happens, you can't force it to happen. So, don't worry too much about the NRE, just engage in the relationship and speak from the heart.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Pitagal said:
We have one more set meeting in Las Vegas. We are going to a Music Festival for three days.
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Three days?? :confused: Way too much!

You had one long weekend with them that was overwhelming and the next plan is to go away, share a hotel room and spend three days together? You haven't had any dating experience with this couple, you've gone straight to RELATIONSHIP. You're having all sorts of anxiety and probably for good reason. This is way too much expected intimacy in a situation where you all really don't know each other that well. It sounds to me like your intuition is screaming at you at every turn. Waaaaaaay too much!!! :eek:
 
Fallen Angelina- I guess because it's LDR I have no idea how to date. The good news is that I can leave very easily if I need to. I have a friend who lives in Las Vegas so if being with them is too much for me then I can stay with my friend. I'm hoping that if I just be myself then there will be no awkwardness. And I guess after that weekend we can re evaluate our arrangement. We never really ever talked about what we wanted do this will be a good time to do that.
 
It sounds like you have a decent Plan B, and Plan C (so to speak).
 
Pitagal said:
Thank you! That gives me hope. I asked them if they wanted me to get my own hotel room but they both said No. We want you to stay with us. But our communication isn't where it used to be. So I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I don't even know if I should flirt with them anymore or just be friendly.. I'm really at a loss at what to say or do next?
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If *you* would feel more comfortable with your own room you should get one. Sheering a hotel room for 3 days can be pretty intimate, and if you find its awkward on day one its not going to get better!
 
A2Poly said:
If *you* would feel more comfortable with your own room you should get one. Sheering a hotel room for 3 days can be pretty intimate, and if you find its awkward on day one its not going to get better!
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This is a good point. Pitagal, just remember that you can and should make choices of your own, without always waiting for them to tell you what they approve of. It's your life, after all, so your first question should always be "what do I want?"
 
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