I have an ex that loves to cause me grief. I figure when he find out we are living in a "V" with the kids here, he will kick and scream. Could anyone direct me a site or any information on child custody precedents per state? I am in Washington state which is notoriously liberal, but I would like to make sure there isn't some weird law that could really mess me up. Thanks!
Child Custody & Poly
- Thread starter Willow64
- Start date
I don't have any links for you offhand, but I just want to say that if I was you, I would totally invest in a consultation with a lawyer. A good lawyer. A really good lawyer that specializes in family law and divorce issues. An hour consultation at least ...
YouAreHere
Well-known member
From what I understand, family law focuses more on "best for the child" (and not so much on legal versus illegal). If you end up with a judge who believes polyamory is not what's best for the child, you will have a legal uphill battle.
I believe a user here (JessicaBurde?) has a blog wherein she discusses custody issues and resources: http://polyamoryonpurpose.com/polyamory-and-children-child-custody-review/ . Despite what the law may or may not say, if it becomes a custody battle, it will be necessary to retain a family lawyer, period. It's best to be prepared for the worst:
https://np.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/3lgnrl/ky_losing_custody_because_were_poly/ (I know Kentucky is not Washington State, but the rule of thumb about "old man judges" can still apply).
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What you have also got to remember is that it isn't always about proving one parent is completely unsuitable, it's often about proving one parent is more suitable than the other to be the primary custodian. So, if you have an adequate home life that the judge feels is less beneficial to the child than your co-parent's good home life, then they "win". Whether or not they think non-monogamy makes a good home merely adequate is about the individual, I suppose.
I do know someone who would swear blind that they lost their kids because they were poly, but it wasn't that at all. It was because they had unhealthy relationships around their children. That was what the judge took issue with, not that their partners were of the same-sex and/or their relationships non-monogamous.
I do know someone who would swear blind that they lost their kids because they were poly, but it wasn't that at all. It was because they had unhealthy relationships around their children. That was what the judge took issue with, not that their partners were of the same-sex and/or their relationships non-monogamous.
A caveat that I'm based in the UK and so have no idea if this even applies in the US or not, but here it is not unusual for the children themselves to be asked who they would prefer to live with. You have already expressed some concerns about how well your 12 year old daughter will react to your partner moving in, so this is perhaps something else to consider. Really, I wouldn't even be considering that kind of scenario at all unless the entire family - from children to spouses to co-parents - was entirely happy. To my mind, unless you have very small children, this shouldn't be a case of 'we adults have decided that X is moving in and becoming part of this family', but rather something the kids are actually consulted on. It really will affect them all - your ex included. Hopefully in a positive way, but also potentially in a negative way too, hence why I'd be advocating a lengthy family discussion that includes everyone so people can talk through their worries and concerns.
I don't understand why you are in such a hurry to make this transition. Especially the bit where while your kids are away visiting their bio-dad he has already moved in, and you are planning on springing it upon them when they return. Unless I missed a part where you have been talking about him moving in with them for months, this seems kind of designed to rile everyone - kids and ex - up in a really negative way.
I don't understand why you are in such a hurry to make this transition. Especially the bit where while your kids are away visiting their bio-dad he has already moved in, and you are planning on springing it upon them when they return. Unless I missed a part where you have been talking about him moving in with them for months, this seems kind of designed to rile everyone - kids and ex - up in a really negative way.
Inyourendo
New member
I think it's bizarre too, usually people wait a good long while of dating to move in together even in monogamous relationships.
Inyourendo
New member
My 10 year old prefers his dad's house over mine so hw lives there, I believe in giving jids options. Since you are moving a stranger into their home (hope you did a background check ) you might want to consider letting your kids move if they want to.
Dagferi
Well-known member
Same here... I think it is bizarre too.
Murf didn't meet my kids until we were 6 months into our relationship. Then he slowly slid into their lives. They didn't sleep under the same roof until a year in and that was at Murfs house.
Dan Savage often has a lawyer on his podcast (savage lovecast) to discuss contentious poly issues. She is based in New York, I think, but seems to be more of a national advocate for polyamorous families. If you search polyamory in his podcast archives I"m sure you would find one of many interviews with her.
AutumnLeaves
New member
I don't know about weird laws in WA, but I can give you some general advice.
Some types of people absolutely would use your poly lifestyle as ammunition in a legal battle. Slut shaming is really prevalent in child custody battles. Someone who wants custody your kids is going to try to paint your lifestyle as unstable and unsafe. There are three overarching things you'll have to prove to be able to keep your kids, no matter what state you're in, and those are (1) your environment is safe, (2) your environment is stable, (3) you have parenting skills.
The best way to be able to prove these things is to document everything you do for or with your kids. Keeping a separate calendar for that stuff. Extracurricular activities? Document it. School meetings? Document it. Grounded a kid? Document it. Have you attended parenting classes? Support groups? Document it. Take them to the doctor, dentist, etc? Yup. On the calendar. Also note down everything that you know that your ex-partner does (or doesn't) do. "I always take them to school!" is a lot less convincing than "I took them to school every day for five months except one day Ex took them. Yes, I'm 100% sure because I keep a calendar."
Have you done a background check on the person you're moving in? If you haven't, you should. Not because you don't trust him, but because if it comes up you can say you were proactive in keeping your children safe. That you did a background check is proactive, verifiable, and a lot more convincing than having a friend come in and testify that you are totally a good parent.
Some types of people absolutely would use your poly lifestyle as ammunition in a legal battle. Slut shaming is really prevalent in child custody battles. Someone who wants custody your kids is going to try to paint your lifestyle as unstable and unsafe. There are three overarching things you'll have to prove to be able to keep your kids, no matter what state you're in, and those are (1) your environment is safe, (2) your environment is stable, (3) you have parenting skills.
The best way to be able to prove these things is to document everything you do for or with your kids. Keeping a separate calendar for that stuff. Extracurricular activities? Document it. School meetings? Document it. Grounded a kid? Document it. Have you attended parenting classes? Support groups? Document it. Take them to the doctor, dentist, etc? Yup. On the calendar. Also note down everything that you know that your ex-partner does (or doesn't) do. "I always take them to school!" is a lot less convincing than "I took them to school every day for five months except one day Ex took them. Yes, I'm 100% sure because I keep a calendar."
Have you done a background check on the person you're moving in? If you haven't, you should. Not because you don't trust him, but because if it comes up you can say you were proactive in keeping your children safe. That you did a background check is proactive, verifiable, and a lot more convincing than having a friend come in and testify that you are totally a good parent.
Be careful about making sure info you get in a background check is accurate. Sometimes people screw it up; when I met Hubby, my ex did a background check on him (which pissed me off since my frigging ex was the one who had my children around a convicted child molester for several months, unknown to me) and claimed that he'd found out Hubby had an arrest for assault in the early 1990s in our part of Massachusetts.
He wasn't quite sure what to say when Hubby pointed out that not only had he never been arrested; he was in Italy serving in the Navy at the time the arrest supposedly occurred.
He wasn't quite sure what to say when Hubby pointed out that not only had he never been arrested; he was in Italy serving in the Navy at the time the arrest supposedly occurred.
Many good points and I certainly can see that the judge would have some subjective input there. My ex is an alcoholic with a DUI who drinks the whole time he has the kids and generally spends time only video gaming with them. I'm not too worried, frankly.
Our new partner has been a friend of ours for almost a full year now and this moving in thing is certainly not spur of the moment or "soon". I have talked about this whole thing with the kids (the moving in part) and they are fine with it with the exception of my 12 year old daughter who has a terrible crush on him and told me flat out that she does NOT want him sleeping with me.
I will give that situation plenty of time and respect before subjecting her to seeing him in our bed or me in his. For now it is a friendly "moving in" and we will leave it at that.
He is a school teacher and has a great reputation in the community so I think that would help in a custody situation as well if it came down to that. He's a productive member of society with a PhD and is clearly ok to be around my kids.
Our new partner has been a friend of ours for almost a full year now and this moving in thing is certainly not spur of the moment or "soon". I have talked about this whole thing with the kids (the moving in part) and they are fine with it with the exception of my 12 year old daughter who has a terrible crush on him and told me flat out that she does NOT want him sleeping with me.
I will give that situation plenty of time and respect before subjecting her to seeing him in our bed or me in his. For now it is a friendly "moving in" and we will leave it at that. He is a school teacher and has a great reputation in the community so I think that would help in a custody situation as well if it came down to that. He's a productive member of society with a PhD and is clearly ok to be around my kids.
By the way, just to be clear, I am not in any way saying that he is safe to be around my kids because he has a PhD. I am saying that school teachers are checked deeply in this state to be working with kids, so I have confidence (although not complete trust) that he is ok to be around them.
YouAreHere
Well-known member
Are there morality clauses in the terms of his employment? If so, tread very carefully... Teachers are held to a high social standard (holding a wine glass in a FB picture? Fired!), and poly folks aren't a protected class.
Something to look into, at any rate.
starlight1
Active member
I speak from experience when I say being female and poly tipped the scales against me that might not otherwise. It wasn't the deciding factor, but it was used as a tool against me, and I did lose my kids. That's really all I can say on that subject.
I am sorry to hear others are in a similar boat. I wish you the best of luck in this process.
vinsanity0
Active member
The state of Washington is very liberal in that regard. I wouldn't recommend being "in yer face" about it.