Our poly family has begun!

W

Willow64

New member
My kids (16, 15 and 12) are gone to their bio dad's house for a week and my husband urged the other half of our "V" to come home with us over the weekend. It went super well for all 3 of us and we are doing great. We are co-sleeping for now, but when the kids get home, we will need to be in separate rooms. My 12 year old is a girl and she has already expressed feelings that she does not want the new partner sleeping with me. I WILL be coming clean with her, but I am going to let her adjust a bit first. We all need to have some deep discussions about the level of commitment here and what our intentions are.

So our new partner is moving in this week officially and I can't believe how well things are going. I know the kids coming home is going to change the dynamics a lot, and the "honeymoon" period will wear and issues may crop up but so far this is really amazing. We have so much respect for each other and both ends of my "V" are so sweet and caring. I am disabled and they are sharing in my care.

Any advice for a fresh poly family? I read The Ethical Slut" and I am almost finished with More Than Two. Next comes The Polyamorists Next Door.
 
Sounds like your biggest challenge will be your kids. They may not understand, and it may hurt and embarrass them if for any reason their classmates at school find out. You'll need to be extra sensitive to your kids, although as the adult you still have a right to make certain decisions for your own life.
 
Happily, my kids are homeschooled, so there won't be any embarrassment there. My kids are pagans (as are we) and they are very confident and open minded. I think my 2 sons at home will be cool with it. They like him and he is very kind to them. My daughter is the challenge. She is 12 going on 21 and has a major crush on him. I don't want to totally blow her bubble. He is very good at being careful of her feelings and has even told her a couple of times that she is such a pretty girl, but "I think we should just be friends. I am way too old for you." LOL She accepts that but then flipped out when she saw him give me a peck on the mouth one night. She knows that he is moving in and already told me that he is "not allowed to sleep in our bed". So, clearly kids are NOT dumb. I have told all of them that he loves me and I love him as well as my spouse and him love each other as well, but we are not a triad, just a "V". I think time will be the cure for this. I hope that this continues to feel as natural as it does now. I have to say that my husband is like Mr. Perfect. He is giving us time to ourselves, allows co-sleeping and made us breakfast in bed this morning! I am loving my poly family!
 
It's hard work, but they say poly's worth it. :)
 
omg a jealous 12 year old. Good luck with that!!!
 
I personally think you should date your other partner for several months and really let your kids get to know them really well before you move your partner into their home. I get that you are excited about moving them in but you need to consider your kid's feelings on this. Play it wrong and your 12 year old may resent you and them for a very long time
 
Inyourendo said:
I personally think you should date your other partner for several months and really let your kids get to know them really well before you move your partner into their home. I get that you are excited about moving them in but you need to consider your kid's feelings on this. Play it wrong and your 12 year old may resent you and them for a very long time
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I agree with this. You are shoving your partner down your children's throats.

Their safe place (their home) is no longer a safe zone.

Why the freaking hurry.
 
It will not be a happy poly family if your daughter or your ex have major issues with his moving in. Sorry to say, time will not magically heal your daughter's crush on him and subsequent revulsion when she finds out you're having sex with him. How long has he been romantically in your life? What's the rush to move him in?
 
Do you think your daughter might eventually try to seduce him when she's gone through puberty? How much older is he?
 
This man has been a family friend (not just my friend) for almost a year. The kids know him well and he has done some amazing things for them. I totally get that it appears I am shoving him down their throats, but to be honest, we have been talking about this for about 2 months. The boys are totally fine with it and I know that if my daughter didn't have a huge crush on him, she would be cool as well. I think her crush is the one thing that will make me pause for now. He has his own place and although he is thinking of selling it so that we can invest the money for a new home in a few years, maybe we need to slow this down until her feelings are resolved.

I don't think she would try to seduce him, but frankly she is already going through puberty and seems very interested in spending time with him alone. I will keep my eyes open for that, but I also know that he would be repulsed and tell me if things were getting weird.
 
Willow64 said:
I totally get that it appears I am shoving him down their throats, but to be honest, we have been talking about this for about 2 months.
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I know 2 months of your new love seems forever, but for the persons involved who are not in love, 2 months is more like the blink of an eye. I don't care if they are home schooled, people need adjustment time and you seem so happy about their acceptance, while really you have not even provided enogh time to see if there is or could be acceptece. Everything in this life takes time. Give it the time. Don't rush moving him in.
 
I said we have been TALKING ABOUT THIS for 2 months... this man has been around all us for a year. I'm not sure if I'm just totally being misunderstood or if there is some serious nastiness going on... :confused:
 
Willow64 said:
I said we have been TALKING ABOUT THIS for 2 months... this man has been around all us for a year. I'm not sure if I'm just totally being misunderstood or if there is some serious nastiness going on... :confused:
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For your kids the timeline starts when you are openly his girlfriend. If you are in the closet then the year they've known him as a family friend just doesn't count.
 
Two months is just a drop in the bucket of time.

I have friends who have known me for years doesn't mean they know everything about me. I have been with Murf for THREE YEARS I still surprise him once in awhile.
 
Willow64 said:
I'm not sure if I'm just totally being misunderstood or if there is some serious nastiness going on... :confused:
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I don't think anyone is trying to be nasty, Willow, but you don't seem to be taking very seriously that your kids have a very different perspective than you do. You also don't seem to be taking seriously at all that your daughter is going to have an enormous reaction to finding out that the man she's crushing on is having sex with her mother. That's therapy fodder for years and years to come. You seem to be assuming that your daughter is just going to outgrow her little crush and it will be no big deal. It is an enormous deal. You're bent on your lover moving in, but for your kids it will likely be very, very difficult.

Maybe we're all wrong and that would be great, but at least please see the point that you're sitting on a potential powder keg.
 
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Perhaps I have not been very clear - he is spending time here with all of us but has not moved in. I appreciate greatly the perspective that my daughter may need lots of time to let go of the crush before this is ok with her. I just felt like the responses were a bit harsh and I had hoped for more support. Just my perspective.
 
My only concern is with the 12yo, I think the 15yo and 16yo will probably be fine.
 
In your first post you said
So our new partner is moving in this week officially
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That is what made people think he was moving in and led to all the strong cautions from people. Well, and the thread title.

Leetah
 
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