Hmmmmm....

H

Hmm

New member
I posted a thread once before in the medieval times of my explorations into polyamory, back before I had much more than an inkling of a clue of what I was doing with my life. I've come a ginormous way since the beginning, and I'm constantly finding myself covering new ground in building myself as a person and understanding myself and the world around me better.

So, without further ado, hello! Call me Hmm. I spend obscene amounts of time in my own mind, pondering, dreaming, scheming, philosophizing, questioning, and other such pensive acts, so Hmm describes me rather aptly. I'm male, in my early 20s, and getting my BS in Psychology by next spring. After that, what I'm concretely doing is just a toss-in-the-air at this point. I write a lot of lyrics that I'm itching to turn to music. I've a lot on my plate, as it is, alas :rolleyes:

I describe my love life jokingly as being in a long-term relationship with my schoolwork, with romantic partners on the side. Reconciling the give-and-take of work and play has been an ongoing challenge which I'm getting much better at (not being too selfish but not being too giving, etc.). Coming from the medieval part of my love life into the Renaissance has hurt some loves along the way, and repatching things up into friendships has also been a part of this endeavor, but I don't need to get into that now. I turn to this forum often, finding an impressive wealth of knowledge and wisdom to ponder and contemplate when I'm toying with conflicts in my head.

On a whim, I felt like overcoming so many struggles to come where I've come, maybe I deserve a little thread all to myself? Humbly so. Hum...

Again, hello! Be proud of what you've accomplished. Always be hungry for more. But enjoy the meal, not just the more. I think I'll see myself out now :)
 
Greetings Hmm,

A belated welcome to you! Have enjoyed your posts in the past and hope to see more in the future. And, it's fine by me anytime (including this time) you want to start a new thread. I've started a bunch over the years.

Glad your time on the forum has been beneficial for you so far, I believe you have helped others as well.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)
 
kdt26417 said:
I believe you have helped others as well.
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You flatter me! I appreciate the kind words much.

I've been rather drowning in a sea of homework lately, and that makes posting here (and dating for that matter) rather difficult. Where to begin...

It's been a day of potent reflection for me. I just spent the better part of yesterday with a fwb and things feel off. I've been soul searching for why. I think I'm falling into a familiar pattern of, when faced with emotional distance, trying to coax some kind of resolution out of it. Coaxing when someone had put up a wall has, in retrospect, been a fruitless endeavor. It's been a lot of how I've unwittingly pushed away the women I want to be closest to.

It's made no easier by how schoolwork takes up my time and energy and makes me more reclusive. It's hard to go on dates when I'm fighting the urge to catch up on sleep! It makes me less emotionally available.

I told her I needed to reflect on my feelings and we'll talk in person about it on Wednesday. Hopefully things will turn out well there!

Overall, I've been less ambitiously dating. I've been dating a poly girl, but we haven't seen each other in a few weeks. We both lead busy lives. I also have a pretty good feeling about a girl I've met on OKC. Overall, I'm doing quite the juggling act, and when the balls are dropping, I'm learning more to accept it and move in. Nonetheless, I'd much rather get back in the game and have someone to juggle with, more often.

Throughout my poly adventures, I've had some flames that gone have cold, and some that became excellent friends, and some that are somewhere on the fence. All in all, my focus now is just being me, getting by, and finding love and enjoyment wherever I'm able, but not letting anything take away from my ability to be grounded for myself. My big struggle now is finding people who are dependable, all while being dependable, and finding and fostering more and more better relationships with people, making a lovely tapestry out of it all. Here's to hoping the actions come to match the intents :)
 
So Hmm, how much schooling do you have yet ahead of you? and, what are you studying?

Re:
"I told her I needed to reflect on my feelings and we'll talk in person about it on Wednesday. Hopefully things will turn out well there!"
Click to expand...

How did it go?
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for checking in :) I've been busy as it gets, finals week just around the bend. I get my Psych BS spring 2016. My plans after that are vaguely get a part-time job and devote some free time to making my music, as I've mentioned previously.

As for the fwb, things went historically well. I told her I felt like she had a wall up, and she agreed as if she had wanted to get that off her chest as well. We pretty much blurted out at once how it was because she wanted the "white picket fence" family someday and I'm polyamorous, so we were on the same page the whole way through. "Just friends," we agreed amicably. Although, sure enough, this week we met up and chatted while I was on a break, and it ended in kissing. "I like things a little complicated," we agreed, laughing and smiling. It felt natural, and I had/have no expectations for what may come next. We're dining again on our familiar Monday night :)

I just tonight went to deliver dinner to another girl. We met on tinder, and she's the first poly person I've ever dated. She has had a girlfriend the whole time. We get along really well, and she awkwardly admitted while we were eating that she wasn't "as straight as she thought," ie "let's be friends." I felt really cool with it, really calm. That felt natural, too. I feel like I've found my center, and am content with myself in being single. I'm no longer desperate for love like I used to be. Now I'm just lonely and rather enjoying it :p

Apart from that, I have a good number of friends, mostly if not all female, with whom I'm very close. Two out-of-state crushes and a couple of in-state ex-fwbs (mostly texting, of course.). I just feel content appreciating people in my life for who they are, the way they fit in my life, and the way I fit in their lives. And in the meantime, I'm focusing more on being a better me, doing more with myself, being happier in a way no one else can do for me, only I can do for myself. So that's a work-in-progress, and a pretty fair overview of my life at the moment, love and all.

Hopefully soon I'll be getting that sleep I've been dreaming about :D That's my real object of affection right now, haha
 
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Sounds like you're in a good place. I hope the sandman comes to visit you soon. :cool:
 
Thank you! I've got all but one final done, and I'm not too worried about this one.

I wonder, why must it be now that the semester is so close to done that my dating successes have to happen? Of course, I know now that my workload is much lighter, my mood and energy are up, and not to mention I have more free time to socialize. I want to half-jokingly throw my hands up in the air and exclaim, "it's not fair!" knowing full well how well I have it off right now.

I've come to terms with how, until I have my roots solidly set in a place I can comfortably call MY home, my life will be strained. Or at the very least, just having a place I can be free to make music and be myself. I need my freedom and I need my autonomy, things which at my parents' home I am not respected with. So my legal address isn't a "home" as I can consider it, and most of my friends are still figuring out this whole "adult life" thing too. I rent my first nondorm apartment this summer, which is an upcoming bridge to cross! How well we all mesh together long-term will surely remain to be seen, as will my schedule for next year. Fingers crossed.

Until then, I'm flying by the seat of my pants, as I do. Staying a few nights with this fwb here, maybe renting a hotel room for a few nights there. I still want to find an internship for my major. Making music is a big goal I want to put time into.

Romantically, I've been testing plenty of waters, so to speak, but I haven't found anybody I could really build a future with. I have entered some fascinating and unfamiliar territory, so at the very least, I can rest assured I'm not just wasting hedonistic time. But it's a tricky line to walk between lustful pleasure and genuine human connection. Testing waters is a mix of having fun, quelling loneliness, and sharpening my skills at comfortably bonding with a person. It's so much easier to spend a night with someone when there's no lingering thoughts of homework in the back of my mind.

I'm not there yet, wherever there is, but I'm building myself up stronger and better than ever, despite the bumps in the road. I'll keep on swinging (swinging my bat? swinging from the chandelier?) till then.

Onward I march and explore :)
 
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You have the right attitude!
 
Thank you! Granted, it's not the attitude I carry with laser focus. A positive attitude is easier said than held, that is. But so goes the struggle! Today was another very positive-feeling day. I was in a good mood and felt like a wall holding me back just broke down, if that makes sense.

Datingwise, this summer has been just about as many moving parts as ever. Two girls I'm interested in suddenly expressed interest in me at the end of the semester, one of which I'm seeing regularly over the summer (let's call her Claire), the other I'll see again in the fall. The fwb who wanted to be friends, but then we went sexual again now started to date monogamous men again. I support that, and feel confident we can keep a close friendship working. I almost went on a date with a poly girl, but she went home out of state. Same thing with another girl I met on tinder a while ago. Two opportunities fade away. So it goes! I'm texting plenty of other maybes, and just going with the flow and enjoying whatever happens or doesn't. Moving parts all over.

This summer has been a lonely one. I've been feeling quite like an airplane missing a runway. I've been staying with Claire some nights, other nights sleeping in my car. I like the freedom of the latter, but the loneliness can be painful. I like the comfort of the former, but I don't like to just use her as a way to quell my loneliness. Plus, it's not like either of us own land, so finding space to be myself is a challenge. Thankfully! we had a really positive talk about who we are and why, and what we want, talking about exes and my polyness and what we want from the relationship. I feel closer to her now and more comfortable with us. I've realized how I am ambitiously devoted to polyamory, yet terrified by it. I've yet to make it work, so the ideas of introducing two lovers, of flirting in front of a lover, or of any of the "normal" taboos are still frightening. I think, that scariness is in part why I want to explore it so much, but I have to acknowledge that fear before I can face it, just like I have to face the pain of loneliness and accept it instead of cowering from it. Having that conversation with her was definitely a positive step forward for us.

I've also been making use of campus to record my music, and that process has been picking up steam. I've finished one song and have two more well in the works. Just the fact that I'm getting even a little bit of my music off my chest is a huge confidence booster. I can't just talk about it without sharing it, can I? :)

I think I've exhausted my steam for tonight. Sleep well, everyone!
 
Glad to hear you're progressing onward and upward.
 
Hello again, self-centered thread!

Quite a lot has happened since my last post. My previously barren summer became rather full rather quickly. Between working jobs and staying with friends/lovers(what's the difference, anyways?), my life has gone from zero to sitcom in hardly any time at all. It's more self-indulgent gossip than it is a relevant confession of the state of my life, but wow. After totally coincidentally dating a girl, someone with whom she shares a mutual ex-lover (Claire), her roommate (an old friend of mine), her coworker, and meeting her best friend on tinder... sitcom is just the best word I can use to describe it.

On that note, Claire became consumed by jealousy and paranoia and ended things on a nuclear level. Go figure, dating a girl who once dated a boy that she and Claire both loved could do that? I walked into her emotional explosion with as much aplomb as I could muster, and it seems we're both now on good albeit platonic terms. So it goes! Another one bites the dust.

On a more positive romantic note, the other girl I met the same week I met Claire? The one I met the last week of last semester? I've been staying in touch with her, and things seem very, very promising between us. In just a couple more weeks, my last fall semester starts, and I will get to see her! I haven't felt chemistry like this since my first love. I've felt a lot of chemistry before with other girls too, but not quite like this. How this will fit into my polyamorous dreams remains to be seen!

Apart from that, it seems my internship has been snagged. Also, I'm currently typing this in my first off-campus apartment. How long ago was your first apartment? :p

Until next time,

Hmmmmmmm....
 
I think we can safely say you've been keeping busy. ;)

I never really had an "apartment stage," I just went from house to house. :eek:
 
Hmm said:
How long ago was your first apartment?
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Hi Hmm

somewhere almost exactly about 20 years ago! My second one wasn't long after that, maybe a couple of months, when we figured out I simply couldn't live with my flatmates (my best friend and her boyfriend), so I moved in with strangers. So much easier.
 
Hmm said:
How long ago was your first apartment? :p
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Hmm...'92-'94 I technically had a dorm room but spent most nights at MrS's apartment - officially "subletting" a space there summer of '93. We officially shared an apartment (with friends of ours - a gay couple) for the school year '94-95. We rented apartments from '95-99. Rented a house from '99-02 and have owned houses from thence.
 
I find it strangely fascinating to ponder how lives from such diverse backgrounds and from such different years...even decades! can coalesce on this single website. First apartment in the '70s, in the '80s, in the '90s, and in the '10s! It's mind-boggling to wrap my mind around how far-reaching just these few lives are, meeting with each others' minds here today. Thank you all for sharing! :)

I just had something of a spiritual epiphany tonight. It was a moment of clarity, yet it still was just a moment. I've been spending a good deal of the past week with "the other girl I met the same week I met Claire," and I just couldn't deny it tonight. This isn't the kind of girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. Something deep in my gut just churns at the idea. It's embarrassing after how infatuated I became at the start of the summer. Granted, not head over heels, but I was mighty intrigued. But all is not lost, no?

The reason I had this epiphany in the first place is because we were sleeping together. It was a cathartic experience and I doubt I would have had any such feelings if I had avoided the situation in the first place. But she's still not the kind of girl I want to settle with. It's...a for-the-now kind of thing. A meeting of two souls. I feel like even after a fairly short time together, I've done an exceptionally strong job communicating with her. Certainly a huge improvement from relationships past.

Part of what triggered this epiphany is that I've been struggling internally with the thought of, who can I count on? It seems I have the habit of getting eagerly attracted to girls with trust issues, which has the dual-negative of being an unstable, insecure relationship, a, which has a tendency to vanish completely when it's over, b. And I definitely don't want to build this ship to wreck.

I know I myself struggle with trusting after all I've been through, but I don't want that difficult past to limit me from falling into a trusting love with someone I adore. I can sometimes be a recluse and socially anxious, but when I'm in a good mood, I can be a big fountain of love and warmth. My anxiety and reclusiveness have decreased significantly in the past years, but the pull is still inside me, daring me to shrink and shrivel and retreat.

Something about being with this girl was causing major anxiety in me which I was subconsciously trying to ignore. I think that I had to come to terms with that I just wasn't that deeply attracted to her before I could feel release. But I don't want her gone, and I don't necessarily want the sex or intimacy gone either. And I don't want to treat her like a side-project. I want her to feel important and valid in my life. But how far should I bend to assuage her trust issues? Have I painted myself into a corner here?

She and I do have a connection and I feel like our bond can keep growing still. But something in my gut still tells me "no." Is that a reasonable reaction to trust, or am I just being too picky? When I imagine my ideal mate, am I imagining a unicorn or am I being reasonable? I can't please everyone all of the time, no. But if I am unreliable and jump ship as soon as I realize it's not taking me to exactly where I want to go... will I be able to handle a full voyage when a ship I want to stay on arrives? Maybe that's exactly what I need, to get my sea legs, to stick with someone even though it's not my ideal. Just to prove to myself and develop within myself the ability to be a damned good poly boyfriend. Just to show myself I am able to help build something beautiful.

If our relationship eventually were to fizzle and stop making one or both of us happy... then that would be fine. But right now, she and I are still budding, and it's good to take this slow, one step at a time.

I think.
 
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When you say trust issues, do you mean that she has trouble trusting you, or that you have trouble trusting her?
 
kdt26417 said:
When you say trust issues, do you mean that she has trouble trusting you, or that you have trouble trusting her?
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Hmm that question does make me think. When I said it, I was referring to her trust issues. However, I won't deny I've got some of my own! i.e.:

Hmm said:
I've been struggling internally with the thought of, who can I count on?
Click to expand...

As it turns out, the girl from the aforementioned epiphany wasn't someone I could count on. She got too attached, too unyielding...well, let's just say immature. I was getting more and more uncomfortable the longer I stayed with her. Oh well...easy come, easy go.

Overall, I feel more on top of things than ever, romantically. I feel like I'm making new mistakes and not just repeating the old. Other than that, I really don't feel I have much to say! I'm a drop in the ocean just swishing about here and there, hither and thither, enjoying the now and not expecting too much of any one lead. Sooner or later I'll find my way into a poly-friendly spiderweb or something of the sort.

Till then xoxo
I wander!
Hmm...
 
Sorry to hear things didn't work out with "Epiphany Girl." It sounds like you're taking it in stride, so that's good. Hope to hear further updates as time goes on! :)
 
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