Approaching people with your polyamory?

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OmNomNomDePlume

New member
Approaching people with your polyamory is difficult.

New to the forum, and new to polyamory in general. I'm a bit scatterbrained at the moment, so pardon me if I ramble. :3

I've been with my girlfriend for nearly a year now, it is my first relationship and for her it's her newest one after some previous ones. She told me from the get-go that she is not a monogamous person, but we really only started opening our relationship recently.

She notified me recently that she wishes to follow her religion and has taken a vow of celibacy for an indefinite time. While this is "easy" for her as she's not a very sexual person, I am the inverse. I love physical contact, and though I'm not a horndog, really enjoy sex and desire it. It's rather depressing/frustrating that I can't share that with her, but I love her and plan to support her decision.

She has given me her blessing to seek out other partners provided they provide a recent STD/STI screening and we make it clear to each other the relationship won't grow beyond being friends with benefits. Thing is that I was raised in a very conservative house and I have a gut reaction to feel like I'm a sleazeball or inconsiderate pervert when showing someone I'm sexually attracted, or even mentioning that sex is on my mind. I feel even weirder doing so when I need to mention that I already have a girlfriend, though in an open relationship.

I'm getting a lot of anxiety from it, doesn't exactly help that I'm a pretty shy and self-conscious person to begin with.

Anyone ever have this issue?
 
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Quick response: I think you both need to understand that it is incredibly hard to limit emotions when you are actively bonding with other people. Particularly when physical intimacy is one of the things you share. If that's something you need and she cannot relax that boundary, it is likely you will end up frustrated when you start looking for people who are willing to only stay within that role. I would seriously consider whether you can deal with her celibacy AND this boundary over the ling term given that it will severely limit your dating prospects.
 
It is extremely hard for the average person not to catch feelings for someone you are sharing the intimate experience of sex with especially if you are looking for a regular partner not a one night stand.

It also IS NOT FAIR for your girlfriend to put controls on a relationship she is not involved in. I balk and tend not to date "poly" men because they tend to come with rules and regulations that effect me and path my relationship will take. It is hard enough to find a woman willing to date a partnered male. Then add on rules forget it.

Honestly I could not stay with a celibate partner. I do not need penetrative sex but I need sexual contact. Sex and intimate acts are a barometer for my relationships and a deep bonding experience.
 
I am sure she knows how uncomfortable you are with asking for sex, yet she places this rule on you that you can only have fuck buddies. Hmmm...

Seems obvious to me that she has set you up to fail. I wonder how "okay" she actually is with you pursuing others. Not very, is my gut reaction.

By the way, you don't have to just blindly accept what she tells you she wants you to do. She isn't the boss of you. You are the boss of you. It is your life, your sexuality. You can say, "No, that won't work for me. We need to come to a better compromise." Then start negotiating.

If there is an impasse and you cannot reach an outcome that both of you can live with comfortably, then perhaps you need to determine whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with a celibate dictator, essentially, who will withhold sex from you yet believes she has the right to dictate what YOUR heart, mind, and body are "allowed" to have or do. Crikey. Where is your backbone and what are your personal boundaries? I would say get familiar with those first.
 
To add my voice to the others, this sounds like it is a set up that will cause failure. Trying to control how you react to someone and how much you "fall" for them is generally a recipe for disaster. If you read around the forum, you'll find a lot of heartbreaking stories about trying to do just that.

I'm curious about something (that would inform further/more nuanced commentary from me): When your gf told you that she isn't monogamous, what did she explain that to mean for her?
 
Friends with benefits can have deep feelings too!! This is exactly how my life runs, I love my friends, I tell my friends I love them, they tell me they love me, we celebrate life's wins, I can cry on them and they can come to me if they are feeling down, I share various levels of physical intimacy with my friends; but I don't attempt to live with my friends or have them over to Christmas with my parents or plan life the same way committed relationships do. That's what I share with Adam, as well as the emotion and intimacy. So I totally get it when there is the stipulation to just stay fwb, it's what I do by choice.

So you will need to seek clarification if there is an expectation around including emotion, knowing that emotion doesn't have to be a threat to your partnership.
 
I can't understand what religion that would encaurage her to go celibate indefinetely, while at the same time allows her to date someone who is openly having sex with other people. Is this a religion she made up?
 
Hi OmNomNomDePlume,
Tasty handle. :)

I am thinking that before you can have sex with anyone, you need to get to know them very well and get very comfortable with them. This would be a process and would take some time. Does this fit within the FWB rules?

Put another way, I think you should take your time with any new relationship and not rush anything. Don't know if that helps ...

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for the responses. We had a discussion and she understands that limits cannot be placed on how I end up feeling about someone outside of our relationship. If I find myself catching strong feelings for someone, we agreed that it should be brought up and discussed.

She is actually quite supportive of me dating and being intimate of others, and suggested this to me when she found she had to prioritize her faith and her rather demanding job. She suggested opening our relationship herself, as she is quite asexual to begin with and we do not have much time to see each other during her workweek.

Again, thank you for the responses. :)
 
OmNomNomDePlume said:
I love physical contact, and though I'm not a horndog, really enjoy sex and desire it.
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OmNomNomDePlume said:
she is quite asexual to begin with and we do not have much time to see each other during her workweek.
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It would be fruitful for you to think about why you're so drawn to someone who is asexual, given how much you love and desire sex. What's that all about? Asexuality is certainly a valid orientation, but it's rare and you've kinda gone out of your way to pair up with someone who is not interested in sex and doesn't have time for it. That means she doesn't prioritize sex, which is valid, but a huge mismatch with your priorities. Most people make time for sex, no matter how busy they are, end of story. There are many wonderful women all around you who would love to monogamously explore sex and intimacy with you. Why are you attracted to someone who does not share one of your deepest needs/values? It sounds like you don't want poly so much as you want a love relationship that includes sexual intimacy and lots of it.
 
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Re (from OmNomNomDePlume):
"We had a discussion and she understands that limits cannot be placed on how I end up feeling about someone outside of our relationship."
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Ah. That sounds more hopeful.
 
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