How do you 'Flirt'?

S

Spartan117

New member
Hello,

This is one of my first posts, so I apologize if I'm not that clear. Feel free to ask questions or message me if you need more information.

Basically, what I am asking is-- how do you flirt in a poly relationship? I find it more difficult, as many girls seem to get instantly turned off when they know I have a girlfriend. So is there a way that you introduce poly to strangers that you want to talk to? Is it easier to say it up front or mention it later as you get to know each other?

Also, how do you flirt with someone who already knows you are poly and have a significant other? Is the way you flirt different? Let me hear your stories! :)
 
Great question! I am new to this and wondering too. I don't have any advice but wanted to follow this thread.
 
Inyourendo said:
I'm terrible at flirting. I prefer to be direct and say, "I like you. We should hang out."
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I guess I should clarify. I'm terrible at flirting, as well. I guess what I'm asking is how to say, "Hey, I'm interested in you," without freaking them out, stranger or not.
 
I rarely flirt unless I'm flirting back with someone. If a girl asks if I have a girlfriend, I'll say something like, "Several, you?"...or something equally stupid.

But why worry if they "freak out"? Those are the ones you don't want anyway.

I do think saying you are in an open relationship, or not exclusive, would be better than just saying you have a girlfriend.
 
How do I flirt? Very, very badly. In order to avoid that, I've started going the direct route and, like many who have already posted, just put it out there and hope.
 
Spartan117 said:
I'm terrible at flirting. ... How to say, "Hey, I'm interested in you" without freaking them out?
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I just go for it and don't worry about rejection. I'm not sure why people would freak out that you say you like them and want to hang out. Like, if it's a stranger, just say, "Hey, you seem like a cool person, and l would like to get to know you. Can I get your number?"
 
I LOVE flirting! And I'm an equal opportunity flirt with anyone having fun. Guys and girls. Flirting doesn't have to mean anything besides I'm paying attention to you right now. If it goes beyond that, if they ask to hang out, or want my number, I share my status before anything happens. I don't feel like it's relevant any earlier than that.
 
Here is an example of why it might be a good idea to bring up poly right away, as well as an example of how not to flirt...

Cat recently went back to work (strip club) a few nights a week. Near the end of the night, she spied someone she thought looked interested. He smiled at her and she went over. They had a couple drinks together and talked. He expressed disappointment that he had not seen her earlier. He said he was going out of town, but would fly back by the next night to see her if she was going to be there. They exchanged phone numbers.

The next day he texted her and asked if she was still going to be there. She said yes. He said he would be there too. OK, cool... right? Next thing he does is send this long text about how he doesn't do casual relationships, and is looking for someone to marry, blah blah blah, and is she down for that?

Seriously?

Keep in mind they've only had small talk over a drink and a half, during which she obviously didn't mention being in a relationship. The guy practically proposed to her in his third text message. :eek:

(Actually, this also pertains to the other thread about when to start discussing relationship expectations. Protip: Don't do it like that.)
 
I hope it's okay to add this, but on a related note: is it different to flirt when you're in an open marriage? I still wear my wedding ring.
 
It is different to flirt when you're married, but unfortunately, sometimes that difference isn't good. I've encountered some guys who consider a "married and looking" woman to be easy prey, because clearly she's just a horny slut whose husband can't keep her satisfied. And yes, more than one guy has said that to me. If you're flirting with someone you've met on a dating site, it might not be so bad (though every guy who's said that to me was someone I met on AdultFriendFinder), but if you're out in public, some men will see your ring and think "Ooh, conquest!" So just be cautious, as you probably would be, anyway.
 
That's what I figured. I don't get out much, so maybe the dating sites are for me. I'm just afraid of those too. My husband is having good luck on OKCupid, but then again, he is a man, and doesn't get inundated with messages.
 
KGMlove said:
That's what I figured. I don't get out much, so maybe the dating sites are for me. I'm just afraid of those too. My husband is having good luck on OKCupid, but then again, he is a man, and doesn't get inundated with messages.
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So OKC is working for your husband? Does he say on his profile he's married and seeking a woman to date?

So far, I've mostly heard women's accounts of that site, so am curious how it works for hetero poly guys.
 
I find that it is easiest to adress poly at the earliest time possable, before any even small investment has been made. And don't assume everyone is ok with it.

In our case, my now boyfriend knew that I was married before we started flirting. What he did not know is that I actually have a relationship with my husband. That's what I told him, before we had even kissed. He told my later that my informative approach was paramount to him taking poly seriously.
 
Cherub, he just signed up a week ago, but is already talking with someone (texting for now) and thinking about setting up a time to meet. There have been plenty of matches. Not everyone responds to his messages, though.
 
Gosh, I've always been a flirt. I guess it's different to flirt in person (i.e., sidelong glances, tossing your hair, toying with your straw or sliding your finger on the rim of your drink, asking slightly personal questions, laughing at their jokes...) than in chat, but somehow I made the transition.

I am not married to a man, I am "only" in a LTR with a woman. Maybe I don't need to flirt much to turn a guy on? Two women living together in a sexual relationship? They are there for that. It's like catnip. Even when they know she and I don't share partners, I think just the idea of her being in the house while he and I are getting busy is turn on enough. lol MEN!

I flirt on OKC by being mildly tastefully complimentary or sexual. And I listen and ask questions. People want to feel heard.
 
KC43 said:
It is different to flirt when you're married...unfortunately, sometimes that difference isn't good. I've encountered some guys who consider a "married and looking" woman to be easy prey, because clearly she's just a horny slut whose husband can't keep her satisfied. And yes, more than one guy has said that to me. If you're flirting with someone you've met on a dating site, it might not be so bad (though every guy who's said that to me was someone I met on AdultFriendFinder), but if you're out in public, some men will see your ring and think "Ooh, conquest!" So just be cautious, as you probably would be, anyway.
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As a man, when I wore my wedding ring, women would think:

"Taken. Why is this asshole flirting with me?" or, "Yeah, sure he's not cheating," or "Oooh, he's cheating. Should be good for a one-nighter."

Very few women I have met while out and about have actually accepted/believed that I was in an open relationship. It was especially hard when it was DADT on her end.
 
I must admit I haven't really been into flirting with randoms here, there and everywhere, but in my experience, eye contact will overcome just about everything, if there is going to be anything worth pursuing, anyway.

I know a lot of people are dark on pick-up-artist stuff, but seriously, I've enjoyed watching the Mystery vids. And the poignant one to me (well, besides him saying he loved the song Run to the Water by Live-- you're in, dude), was when he said that, in his opinion, the real purpose of flirting is to bring out the best in the person you're flirting with; I'm on board with that.
 
I guess this is why the online dating can help. Do you think it's bad to take off a wedding ring? My husband ended up taking his off but mostly because it has a cross on it and we are no longer religious (long story). I am totally fine with him not wearing one and in fact I thought it was kinda hot because it may increase his chance of meeting someone (other than online dating which is doing).
 
I love flirting. I flirt all the time. It's just part of how I am with friends. It can be quite subtle, though, but also crass and vulgar at times. I feel more comfortable flirting with friends nearer my age.

In my experience you just have to be yourself. If you meet someone you like, make sure they are fully aware of the poly situation before it gets cosy.

It is funny how people assume you are poly/open because your current relationship is not going well or nearly over. Or they hope maybe. Takes a bit of explaining, eh?
 
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