Smelling the flowers

High Stakes

This week Golden took a risk by asking one of his lawyers for input as to how it may be received by the Courts if he reveals that not only am I moving in, which the social workers, attorneys and his ex-wife have been informed about, but that I am also his girlfriend. I have been presented as Bond's girlfriend, so the twist is that I am also his girlfriend. The first lawyer advised him to ask his divorce lawyer - who kind of freaked. I hope that he hasn't set off a series of events that are going to cost all of us a lot. He's so close to his divorce being final that I'm rather dismayed he didn't stay under the radar until everything is settled.
 
Busy day for me today, but I want to jot a few things down before life gets really busy, cray-cray.

Tuesday night Bond said that M asked him about the Halloween party on his calendar. She went with him last year and wanted to know what his plans were this year. He confirmed that he was taking me and then created a calendar event which he sent me. I had wondered what had prompted that, so that's why. This enables M to see that an invite was sent to me so that is helpful to her. Cool.

She then asked if she could go with him to his holiday party, or did he already had plans to take me? (which he hadn't thought about yet) He said he wished they'd let them bring more than one guest to the holiday party, but like the anniversary party they had this summer, the invitations are very specific that it's limited to one guest. He said that the Halloween party is more open about the number of guests, but that we were the wrong two [people] to bring to a party together. <wry grin> He said she also asked if he had decided that from here on out that he'd be taking me to these things, because of our live-in/primary situation and if that's the case, that's fine, she just needs to know.

I listened to him and kept my remarks to a minimum and maintained a kind expression and attitude. This is his decision and although I'd love to go with him to the holiday party, I'll be okay with whatever he decides to do. He can alternate between us, he can decide on an event by event basis, or he can decide that one of us is his default for work-related events. Because in the end it's just an event and it's not like my world is going to quit turning if he takes M or someone else. It may sting some because I like to do ALL THE THINGS, but it doesn't mean that he loves one of us more than the other. It's just an event and he's caught in a mono-normative world with two metamours that don't mix well.

Bond and M had a date last night and I was at the house when M arrived. Golden was downstairs and Bond wasn't home from work yet. It was just me, Beanie (who was listening to stories on the iPod) and M. It was nice to chat with her. Well, it was nice on my end. I always enjoy these interactions, but because of feedback from past experiences the entire time I'm thinking that the pleasure is probably one-sided.

She's creating terrariums and hopes to create a herpetarium in about six months - after she proves to herself that she can keep the plants alive. It sounds pretty awesome. She wants to get poison dart frogs. Dang! Sounds cool, huh?

Two feel goods from the evening:
1.) sitting on the couch listening to Beanie read aloud
2.) Z asking me if I'd go with a walk with him at 9:00 pm because his dad wouldn't be back in time

One more 'worth mentioning" item: Last night Golden remarked that he was having a hard time grasping that we were really okay after the last upset we had (see Monday's email exchange). That it was hard to believe we were able to resolve things so easily and fully - that in his past it was never that easy and that remnants usually hung on and/or communication was slow and difficult. IMO, our ability to work through issues builds my faith in the strength of our relationship and that it actually has served to strengthen it.

This afternoon my youngest son is bringing the love seat that goes with my couch from Twitch's and taking my bedroom set to Twitch's. I'm excited to get to see my kid. I'm excited that the move is happening. It feels so official now that a big piece of furniture is getting moved into The Beach.

Did I mention how excited I am to see my kid? I tell you, he's awesomesauce. Smart, funny, witty, kind, outgoing, confident, grounded. If I could be anybody I'd probably pick being him, because his glass is always at least half full and the world fucking loves him.

Today is a good day. Lots of positive feels.
 
This girl is moving!

Friday my son brought the love seat. Golden met us at the house and two of them unloaded it and set it in the formal living room and then we all drove separately to my house to load the bedroom set that was supposed to go to Twitch's.

You may be guessing by now that it didn't happen as planned. My son's truck has a topper and the bed wouldn't fit. So I rented a U-Haul van and delivered it to Twitch's on Saturday.

Saturday morning I woke early, went online to reserve the van, and then climbed in bed with Bond for an hour. My tenant was stopping by the house to drop off the second half of their rent and pick up the purchase sheet for a patio door I bought for the house that he was installing for me. I was confused as to the time he was coming and had it my head that he was going to be there by 8:00 instead of 9:00, so I was up earlier than necessary.

I wanted to pick the van up at 10:00 am and I needed one of the guys to help me load everything. Golden volunteered, but he needed to eat first. Bond and I assured him he'd have time to eat before leaving, because I had to make a bank deposit and pick up the van first. His job was to get to my place at the same time as me - I think that's a direct quote from Bond. It was very clear. I already felt like I was running behind. When I had called Twitch Friday night to tell him I'd have to rent a van and drive it up on Saturday he said he was hoping I'd get there early, because he was planning to go car shopping, so I was doing my best to accommodate that request - although it's a two hour drive one-way, so seriously, no matter what I would arrive midday. It was 10:21 by the time I left. I got to my place at 10:50, but there was no sign of Golden. I check his location and he was still at The Beach. Annoyance started to flood me.

I sent a group text to both guys saying, "Have van. Ready to load."

Golden responded, "Ok, I will leave shortly!"

I was dying for a Coke, so I decided that I had enough time to walk to the gas station and back in the amount of time it would take him to drive to my place. I was a bit concerned he may beat me, but when I got back he wasn't there. I messed about with some stuff and kept checking the time and finally checked his location again. He was still at home. Arg. It was now 11:21, an hour after I had left the house. My roommate, Dave, was home when I got back from the gas station, so I asked him if he'd help me. He was getting ready for work, but he grudgingly agreed to help get the mattress and box spring in the van.

I sent another group text, "Forget it. Dave is here now."

Golden replied back immediately, "I am on my way! I don't want you to risk your back!!"

I should have been more precise when I asked Dave to help, because as soon as the mattress and box spring were loaded he retreated to his bedroom and left me staring at the rest of the set. I carried the headboard out to the van and stood there contemplating how I could possibly get it lifted up into the van by myself. It was too big and heavy for me to do by myself, but I had foolishly sent that text saying to forget it. I really didn't want to have to send another saying that I couldn't do it without one of them. And even if one of them came, it's an 18-20 minute drive. Fuck.

I was leaning my forehead against the headboard when Golden arrived. I was happy to see him, but still mad as hell. It was 11:43 am.

As we were loading things, Golden says, "It doesn't excuse me being late, but do you want to know why?"

Stupidly, I said, "Yes."

"Because I was talking to my family about Thanksgiving."

WTF?! He was supposed to be out the door within 10 minutes of me leaving, but instead he got into a long discussion about Thanksgiving? And that was supposed to make it justifiable to make me wait an hour?

Steaming mad. :mad:

I went into the house to get one of the nightstands and when I came out I told him that knowing why he was late did not help. In fact, I was even madder than I had been. I don't think he was expecting that.

We got everything loaded nicely. Loaded the boxes of dishes and bedding I was giving Twitch, kissed good-bye and I was finally on the road by 12:30 pm.

Got all the way to Twitch's before I realized I had forgotten the screws in a Ziplock on my dresser. Arg!!!

I helped Twitch bag his old mattress and take it down the basement. We couldn't set up the bed without the screws, so I was on the road by 3:00 pm. He sent four pieces of art with me that he wants framed. He gave me instructions on what he was thinking for matting and frames, but I get to make the final call. It ought to be fun. The last time we did this together and we really enjoyed the process. I just didn't need to be saddled with this right now. I am afraid that I'll damage them before I can get them dropped off.
 
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I was just getting to our city when I noticed Golden had sent a text asking me if I was still mad.

And I was.

I didn't reply. I told myself I was driving and he'd have to wait for an answer.

It gave me time to think about why I was having such a hard time letting go of my anger.

Yes, he probably should have told his relative that he was very excited about Thanksgiving, but he couldn't talk about it right then, so could he could they talk in an hour?

He should have paid closer attention to the time.

He should have paid attention to the details.

And that's the crux of it, he looses the details. I wonder if that's part of the ADD or if that's just a bad habit.

But regardless, he made an error in judgement and what is done, is done. The bed got delivered. I made it back in time to drop the van off. I was tired, but I was able to drive safely. All's well that ends well.

So I let the anger go - or at least as much as I possibly can. I know I am harboring some anger still, because this still riles me.

I told him I wasn't mad anymore. (little white lie)
 
Funny

Funniest text I've received in ages:

(I was at my house packing on Sunday.)

3:26 PM

Golden: How are you doing? I could use a break...You need help?

Me: Hi, sweetie. Sure! Head over. :)

Golden: What kind of help can I do? Would it be useful to bring kids?​

Bwahahaha! Trying to imagine different scenarios where the answer to the second question would be yes.

Maybe if I had a mountain of candy that needed to be eaten. Like, "Holy crap, I forgot this closet is full of candy. There is no way I'm moving this! If only there was a passel of kids to help me get rid of it!" :)
 
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If there is one thing I have learned about making this move go smoothly it is that I need to have a written timeline for the guys to refer to...and maybe to not let them out of my sight. LOL

M is taking Bond's living room furniture. Via IM I asked her if she'd like us to deliver it to her after we move my stuff and she loved the idea. She had already volunteered to help in the afternoon with moving me in - which is an incredibly BIG thing for her to do. But Bond came up with an even better idea. We are going to load his living room furniture first, deliver it to M's, and then go to my place and load.

I just realized that I should change up which location I'm getting the U-Haul from now. This will get his furniture out of the way to move mine in, and will work with M's schedule much better. We'll be arriving at her husband's house at an hour that is close to her normal waking time and later she'll be able to go directly from The Beach to work without having to run home in between.
 
Petunia said:
Funniest text I've received in ages:

(I was at my house packing on Sunday.)

3:26 PM

Golden: How are you doing? I could use a break...You need help?

Me: Hi, sweetie. Sure! Head over. :)

Golden: What kind of help can I do? Would it be useful to bring kids?​

Bwahahaha! Trying to imagine different scenarios where the answer to the second question would be yes.

Maybe if I had a mountain of candy that needed to be eaten. Like, "Holy crap, I forgot this closet is full of candy. There is no way I'm moving this! If only there was a passel of kids to help me get rid of it!" :)
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Hahahaha! This gave me a much-needed burst of LOL!
 
Reverie said:
Hahahaha! This gave me a much-needed burst of LOL!
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I'm so glad you thought it was funny, too! I posted it to Facebook and my good friend, Michelle, replied, "I just laughed until I snorted. Ha!!!"

Still cracks me up. :)
 
I feel a shift. I was kind of expecting it, but I wasn't certain it would happen. Now that I'm living with the guys 24/7 the calendar and scheduling aren't such a big deal. I'm going to be in one bed or the other. I think Bond and I both feel the same about this. Golden is still concerned with getting his time and is hyper aware of how many days he is or isn't getting.

Yesterday morning he asked if I had scheduled anything for the week and right then and there I said we could have that night together. I think that surprised him big time. I offered up Monday night also, but he wasn't too keen on it. He said he'd rather have something later in the week, so we're going to go with Wednesday. I may have dinner with Michelle earlier, but I should be home before 8 pm. She's an early bird, so whatever we do tends to end early. His week is filling in. He has plans with DNR_Girl tomorrow night and Titania on Friday. Thursday I am meeting up with B after my hair appointment. I am hoping that M accepts Bond's date invite for Wednesday so he can join us. (M has Wed/Thurs off this week.) He's hoping so, too. We need some B time! We have Polycocktails tonight, but she's not going to be there. She and WP took their kids to a concert in Texas for their birthdays and won't be back until tomorrow. (That's awesome and crazy pants! LOL)

After feeling like Golden didn't want to have tonight I mentally moved on. I asked Bond if he wanted to go to Polycocktails, so we're going together. Right after we confirmed our plans Golden asked if tonight was still on the table for him and me. I explained that Bond and I had made plans and that it would feel odd to me to come home from an outing and switch guys. I expect that at some point that may not feel so odd and I'll look back and wonder why I was hesitant to do so now, but that day isn't today and right now I don't think that sounds like it would feel good. When I read Bluebird's blog I see that she schedules like that, so maybe someday I'll be doing the same. :p

Last night shortly after Beanie went to bed Golden jumped in the shower. I suspected he may have, so I knocked on the door and asked if I could join him. He was so surprised and happy. We were showered and in his room by 9 PM. He was even happier when I told him that I didn't care to go back upstairs to watch TV with Bond and Z, but would rather we stay downstairs in his room. It gave us a lot of time to talk and have some fantastic sex.

He had asked me earlier in the week what I thought about poly marriage, so I wanted to know what his thoughts were on the subject. I haven't really considered it for myself, but if one of my partners is broaching the subject it may be a good idea to know what his thoughts are on the subject.

After discussing it, I think we both feel that we are more comfortable with a celebration and commitment ceremony - maybe something like hand-fasting if we were to do this in a poly sense, than we would be with having two spouses. He also said that he has always thought that in the future Bond and I would get married. Whoa, he's way ahead of me in his thinking. Um, first Bond would have to get divorced. LOL

I think we're all emotionally a long way from being ready to be married again. We have spouses and exes to get over yet. That isn't to say we aren't totally, fully in love with one another. We just have broken hearts that need time to separate from those people before we'll be ready again.
 
I don't think the ability to do back to back dates or split up your evenings is something you have aspire to....I just think of it as different ways to do things. Honestly, except when I was in the triad with Blue & Snow, I've found that I really need the separation. But maybe that's because I'm more of an introvert than extrovert? Blue is more extroverted and he doesn't have the need for space between dates or sexy times with two women. Whatever works I guess? I do think it'll be interesting to see if that changes for you now that you're all living together? Congrats on the move :)
 
Thanks for sharing, PinkPig. :) It will be interesting to see how things change and sort themselves out now that we are cohabiting. I believe everything finds its own level and I'm open to allowing that to happen. It seems that Golden would like things more defined or maybe it's just his active brain enjoys entertaining itself with looking into the future and planning how things are going to be. I'm more willing to not put things on a set path and let them develop organically.

We got home around 9 PM last night. I went down to see Golden in his room while Bond and Z went for their nightly walk. Golden was doing homework on his laptop in bed. He looked so tired. We chatted and I gave him bunches of kisses and rubbed his temples. I only stayed fifteen minutes or so, but it was nice to check in.

When Bond and I were driving to Polycocktails we discussed the switching guys situation and he's perfectly fine with that happening. I stated that I wasn't sure I would be able to shift gears that easily, but it was good to know that he would have no problem with that happening.

Now that I've nearly done that exact scenario I don't think I'd have a problem with doing it. It feels very natural to move between the two of them. They have very minimal jealousy - like next to nothing. I think I feel it more from Golden as he'd like equal time and he's not getting that. It usually presents as him being unhappy with me rather than feeling jealousy towards Bond.

M declined Bond's date invitation for Wednesday. I'm not sure if he's going to ask for Thursday now instead. I think he's torn, because he really wants to join B and me. He said he's not sure what's happening with M in the last day or two. Her communication has been nonexistent to minimal. She was really having a lot of body pain on Sunday so she didn't roll with anyone at practice. Last night I asked him to check with her to see if his order of events for moving day was preferable to her and all she replied back was, "Yes." I have a feeling that this time the lack of communication has more to do with things happening with her, either physical or emotional, or both, and less to do with their relationship or with me moving in.
 
Yesterday would have been my three year anniversary of my marriage to Twitch. Facebook served up this picture/memory of my father walking me down the aisle.

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Maybe it was the after effects of a cocktail and a beer, but I decided to share the photo and my thoughts on my Facebook timeline last night.

It's hard to believe this was just three years ago. My life changed drastically in the preceding months and those that followed. It was the hardest patch of my life. I really didn't think I'd survive. Thank goodness for wonderful friends and a fantastic therapist. There are things I would change if given a chance, but overall I'm happier today. I have two wonderful relationships and I treasure every minute.

Love fully and be vulnerable, for that's the secret to life.

(Isn't my father adorable?)​

I debated about posting the part about having two relationships, but in the end I decided to do it. Coming Out day has just passed, but better than never.
 
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I can really feel the toll my body is taking from packing and lifting boxes. I've been taking 800 mg of ibuprofen before bed, but it isn't lasting until morning so I've been getting up around 4 am to re-dose. Hopefully this will subside once I'm finished moving. I'm trying not to freak, but my mind keeps wondering if there is more structural breakdown that is putting pressure on my sciatica. What if the disc above my fusion is breaking down? The MRI that was done pre-surgery in December 2013 showed that it was starting to naturally fuse, so I keep telling myself that it's not likely.
 
Petunia said:
I can really feel the toll my body is taking from packing and lifting boxes. I've been taking 800 mg of ibuprofen before bed, but it isn't lasting until morning so I've been getting up around 4 am to re-dose. Hopefully this will subside once I'm finished moving. I'm trying not to freak, but my mind keeps wondering if there is more structural breakdown that is putting pressure on my sciatica. What if the disc above my fusion is breaking down? The MRI that was done pre-surgery in December 2013 showed that it was starting to naturally fuse, so I keep telling myself that it's not likely.
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Might consider Pilates? It's NOT yoga, and it's all about supporting the spine, and joints and connective tissue and muscles around joints/ spine. I had a car crash at 17, two kids, am hyper mobile, have sciatica too, and very mild scoliosis, and ME and I can tell you now the only reason i can move as much as I do is the rehabilitation physio led Pilates gave me. Now I do regular Pilates but I also incorporate the physio aspects if I have time. Definitely talk to a therapist and doctor about it.

By the way congrats on being out, love your blog, love reading it and you look fab in that picture. Bitter sweet can be good because you see where you have come from and how much you have grown. X
 
starlight1 said:
Might consider Pilates? It's NOT yoga, and it's all about supporting the spine, and joints and connective tissue and muscles around joints/ spine. I had a car crash at 17, two kids, am hyper mobile, have sciatica too, and very mild scoliosis, and ME and I can tell you now the only reason i can move as much as I do is the rehabilitation physio led Pilates gave me. Now I do regular Pilates but I also incorporate the physio aspects if I have time. Definitely talk to a therapist and doctor about it.

By the way congrats on being out, love your blog, love reading it and you look fab in that picture. Bitter sweet can be good because you see where you have come from and how much you have grown. X
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Starlight, thanks for suggesting pilates. I will check that out. I know nothing about it, so thanks for mentioning it. BTW, I have a friend who is hyper mobile and that's really a bitch. Sorry you have that happening - and all of the other body discomforts too.

I'm glad you like the blog. Sweet! :) Thanks for the compliment, re picture. I look nothing like that now. LOL. My hair is cut short in a pixie with blue and black in the bangs and razor designs in the back. Radical difference. Yes, bittersweet, but good to see the contrast between then and now. <3
 
This is me now - quite different from three years ago when I got married.
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This picture is pretty typical of me - mouth wide open laughing. (I'm classy like that!)

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Fun IM I received last night from a poly friend.

You are officially my Poly Idol! (Along with Bond!) Golden shared with me the great news of you moving into their space. Awesome indeed! Happy hugs to all of you!!!!!!​

Yes, indeed I'm a lucky, lucky girl! Two amazing partners that happen to be best friends that live together - I'm living my poly picket fence. :D
 
You're very kind, Starlight. :)

I took today off of work to finish up the small item moving. Basically it's all the mishmash of crap I probably don't need or don't use often. Ugh. Before I left The Beach this morning scoped out the cabinets in the breakfast nook and there is a full set that I think I can take over for kitchen items. Right now it has holiday items like big plastic pumpkins for Trick or treating and Easter baskets. Oh, and lunch boxes for kids that no longer live there on school days.

Feeling optimistic.

Tomorrow is the big move day. 😊
 
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