Sailing Solo

Coming up with no obvious solution to the time and place question, I texted Jay, “I would like to see you.” He responded very quickly with a phone call and we talked schedules. He feels Weds is a possibility but didn’t want me to count on it in case it doesn’t happen. We discussed how to see each other more often, he said he is not worried about frequency and I said I am and if we don’t meet regularly then I don’t see the point ;regularly being a couple of times a month. He pointed out that my schedule is far less flexible than his so we need to be creative. I suggested getting sitters and going out, he said about coming round when my kids are home. I replied that I wasn’t going to let that happen till they had met a few times and he mentioned the school event happening this week which could be the perfect opportunity for a casual name exchange type introduction, then added about meeting his wife his kids!:eek: I didn’t see that coming, it did not cross my mind that husband and wife would be at the same event, ( it is a strange world the single parent lives in ) but the conversation was very much throwing out ideas. I was a bit less than keen but realized that if he meets my kids then I should meet his family if they are there too. We left it that we both could retract the meeting offer if the planets were not aligning. Jay’s wife can be known as Ms Salsa.
I wrote a few meets on the calendar with question marks attached and Jay asked me to email them to him. I said. “Sure, text me your email.” His response, “Can you do it, I HATE texting.” Ah. That explains a lot. No more analyzing text response times for me! I said that explains the long response times and he said he tried but he hates the tiny keyboard and most people know he doesn’t text.
I appreciate that he is open and willing to try to work out schedules, while it can be fun and diversionary to play “ decode the text” and “ does he like me or not” games, at the end of the day I need someone to be clear about time and availability.
I sent Prof an email offering to discuss or chat about a tentative plan I have with Jay. I contemplated not telling him, but think he would be hurt especially after the effort he put in with the kids this weekend and him asking me only last week what my intentions were with Jay meeting the kids and them being here at the same time. I told him it was not something I was planning on anytime soon and then, Surprise! while you were out of town we all met and sang Kumbaya. I think that would be unkind, so he has the option for us to talk or not. I think I am fairly sure of which option he is going to choose.
 
Hey NYC,
Well, it looks like I am not making a good job of communicating. Prof read my email as a simple sharing of information of a date coming up with Jay, I had to say there was more and he said we will talk tonight.

Will he try and talk me out of it? I am hoping the conversation will be of a similar format to last time, simple questions, simple answers and not too much probing. I will listen to his concerns but I have said before that I don’t really have issues with people casually meeting the kids. Having said that, they have met 2 lovers in 5 years so I don’t tend to rush it.
Actually talk me out of it? I think he will go for the more subtle "highlight the negatives" approach, combined with disapproving tone of voice, frowny face then either go home early or not hold my hand while we watch tv. Or he could withhold all opinion and tell me that is more information than he cares to know.

I am concerned about how different Prof and I are about what we want to know about relationships with other partners ( not a newsflash ) I have trouble seeing things from his point of view and keep projecting my discomfort to him. However, he did use Ms White Picket information to purposefully cause me distress and it is probably not fair to say this but I think he will do the same with Jay information. This will be a test, if Prof does bring things up that I have shared at his request in a negative way then there will have to be a lot of renegotiating.

I use the word “negotiate” but I did just tell Kip once again that “Your schedule does not have the flexibility necessary for me.” He asked me not to contact him again. Me? Contact you? Okaaaaay.:cool: I didn’t actually reply to that message, if he wants the last word he can have it, I have no interest.

Prof said on Saturday that communicating was one of the things he enjoyed about open relationships. He needs to walk the walk tonight. Fingers crossed it goes well. I have leftover cake and ice cream to grease the wheels of conversation.
 
Prof said that giving him the meeting information was just a "ruse" to get out of telling him about sex:eek: that I had done great damage to his trust me by him having to drag information out of me about when I started having sex with Jay. "Is not the point of an open relationship that we get to do whatever we want when we want?" I asked. Apparently not.
We negotiated a once a week face-to-face check-in on whether sex was had that week and if it was safe sex (his request). He has to ask me, I am not going to volunteer the information (my request). He and MS Text used inform each other straight after sex with others, and I can affirm that they did. I told him I remembered, found it weird and creepy and I wasn't going to do that. The conversations are only to be had on weekends only not on Wednesdays (my request). It is up to him to find time on the second weekends when I don't expect to see him (my request). Anything not safe sex related I don't have to share.
I think those agreements are fair enough. I did push back a little on the fact that I dropped heavy hints that sex was on the table with Jay and then heavy hints about sex starting. Prof knew within 24 hours, so I don't really see that withholding information for too long. But he is pretty stuck in "violated our agreement" mode and I could see that he wasn't going to back down on it. This is the bit that makes me laugh. I am not allowed to bring up the past and hold it against him, but it is different when he does it. He already asked me not to bring up the Ms White Picket thing again but he went back to that same conversation. :cool: okaaaay. :rolleyes:
While on the subject of possessiveness. Kip asked me if I was Subbing for another Dom. When I asked why he wanted to know that, he said his offer of sexy night was only on the table if I wasn't. WTF? Prof also said the BD thing still stands, other Doms must ask his permission if they want to play with me and I should assume I am collared to him. I said I would be happy to be collared if it came from Tiffany and had a bunch of diamonds in it. :D He said we could have a proper ceremony but I was mostly meh about that, show me the sparkles should be enough to put him off doing it. :p

So did he try to put me off? Said he thought it was weird the kids went to the same school and I told him not to go down the path of commenting on other people's partners. He agreed that I never did it about his partners and let it drop.
 
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Jay has been chatting away by email today. Mostly one or 2 lines, so like texting but via email and that works for me. He likes sending links, youtube, and news articles so far. I am looking forward to seeing him tomorrow, it will be kind of late but definitely better than nothing.
I am curious as to what he decided about meeting Ms Salsa on Thursday. I have a hell of a day scheduled on Thursday and wouldn't mind if he said it wouldn't work, that gives me the option of going to the school event or not if I am too tired. I need to put my gym bag in the car tomorrow because working out will keep me going if I have to attend. I am a little concerned about meeting her. The whole metamour thing hasn't been great up till now but I am willing to give it another shot.
 
I do not get the whole "stay friends with exes" thing.
I have been thinking a lot about it over the past few days and JaneQ posted a little on her blog about it, so I have been pondering the idea.
For me, I have to like really like and be attracted to the person to want to have sex, yes, pretty basic. If I find that I don't want to spend time with them while fully dressed then I don't want to spend time with them naked. And time being as limited as it, then why would I want to spend it on someone that I neither like as a person anymore or want to have sex with. I cannot imagine going on adventures with Prof if/when we break up. I got so fed up with Kip not wanting to go to do anything apart from sex that he lost all attractiveness and became predictable and boring. Joe was so apathetic and had a mean streak, why would I want to hang out with him? And these types of behaviors come out over time. Life is short, physical and mental well being are not guaranteed, I want to spend time with partners that fulfill a number of roles with enthusiasm.
I am currently being annoyed by a friend of mine who complains about me being too busy to see her. I made 2 recent times to see her and she cancelled on both. I stopped putting in the effort for a while for the same reason; cancel, cancel, cancel. It is much harder to drop friends than sex partners. We have a meeting planned for tomorrow :cool:. I have no idea how to deal with it if she flakes again. Do you send a " it's not you, it's me" note?
I was describing the upcoming city trip with Prof to a work colleague, it has some of the same silly elements as last year's autumn trip. She said, "It must be nice to have found your soulmate." He is mostly what I have been looking in a partner, apart from the mismatches on the sex drive. And much as I whinge about him on here, he really is awfully good to me.
I am also enjoying getting to know Jay. He is more middle of the road with behaviors, not at all spectrumy. He is responding well to my style of communication and whacky scheduling and likes to play tennis! We also want to add some music events and evenings out. I think he enjoys that I am even tempered, not too demanding emotionally and really enjoy sex.
But would I stay friends with them after the sex part ends? I just don't see it. I did try it with Joe and I couldn't take it. I couldn't see it with Kip either.
Different strokes for different folks.
 
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Tennis friend cancelled. I wasted time packing my gear too.
That put me in a bit of a grump. I texted Jay about who was going to the school event, he said he wouldn't make it in time, I was relieved, did the shopping, got the kids and came home.
Last night with Jay was very good, he didn't arrive till 10pm, but we made the most of it. I want next time to involve going out and doing something.
 
Atlantis said:
I do not get the whole "stay friends with exes" thing.
I have been thinking a lot about it over the past few days and JaneQ posted a little on her blog about it, so I have been pondering the idea.
For me, I have to like really like and be attracted to the person to want to have sex, yes, pretty basic. If I find that I don't want to spend time with them while fully dressed then I don't want to spend time with them naked. And time being as limited as it, then why would I want to spend it on someone that I neither like as a person anymore or want to have sex with...
Click to expand...

I think that it is the "like as a person anymore" part...just because we are not having sex anymore doesn't necessarily mean that I don't like them as a person. To be fair - at 41 I still don't have any real "exes" - just people that I am no longer having sex with - the only "serious" relationships I have been in are on-going. Dude, at one point, said that if he and Lotus weren't dating he didn't know that they would be friends. THAT is a foreign concept to me. How can you be "dating" someone that you wouldn't be friends with otherwise? Sex, sure. Dating, no.

But I think that people put different priorities on certain aspects of relationships.
 
Interesting question. "How can you be dating someone that you wouldn't be friends with otherwise?" I will think about it over the next day or so. My first thought is the element of sexual attraction, it can gloss over the red flag behaviors for a certain length of time. Second thought, It takes me years to become friends with someone, with lovers I can like them after the first meeting. I have never been sexually attracted to my male friends. I never fancied Roomie. Good question.
Trip was fun, I got the unasked for details about the 11 day Ms White Pickett visit.
I am bit too tired to write more.
 
We went out for dinner and Prof called for a Relationship Check-In, as agreed I went along with it. He asked me questions first and wow but did I have misunderstanding. He asked about the cancelled meeting last week between Jay, kids, wife and I and then suggested getting a sitter for his, Jay’s, and my kids and having a double date with Ms Salsa. I interpreted it as he wanted a dating opportunity with Ms Salsa and I was so shocked I lost the train of what he was saying, then managed to say that they were looking at divorce and double dating was unlikely, still thinking he wanted a foursome type thing. He then asked for the opportunity to just meet Jay and I finally caught onto to what he meant. He wanted Ms Salsa to have the opportunity to meet my partner while I had the opportunity to meet Jay’s, not a swinger couple swap type thing at all. The double date part was him and me plus Jay and Ms Salsa.

Then Prof said he would give me an update, I said he didn’t have to and he seemed disappointed at that so I told him to go ahead. The short version is, Ms White Pickett stayed for 11 days ( that was a surprise but I tell him I don’t want to know so he didn’t tell me ) I was quite miffed that she got a key, I have not yet received one but that is a whole other story. She apparently said no to sex on the first night and then asked Prof to set up all kinds of business meetings. He was not happy but did as she asked cause he is a nice guy, mostly he vented about her and I listened. He said he is not really interested in being friends with her anymore. This is my reflection current theme and why I posted this. However, he says this about partners; gives things a while to calm down and then meets them again. I call it “Recycling” partners. I simply cannot imagine hanging out with Kip or Joe as friends, or the dude I saw for a few months post separation. I have no interest in spending time with them.

Prof offered a city hotel night this week, the man has an insane schedule. The nights I don't see him I spend with the kids, catching up on tasks and going to sleep early. He spends them with other partners and work meetings. I worry that he will give himself a heart attack, I really do.

I did a little emailing with Jay over the weekend and asked him for a random 2 hour "booty call" on Sunday afternoon. He said if I had asked earlier he could have made it work.
The current amount of sex I am having is not good. While the trip was incredibly good fun the sex was good the first night and meh/quickie happened at 4 am on night 2.
I was so tempted to ask Jay if he could make Weds work this week and I would not go into the city but stay home and do it like they do on the Discovery Channel, but I had already told Prof I would do the city trip by the time the thought occurred to me.
I need to work something out.
 
I lost who is who. Is Ms. Salsa Jay's ex-wife? Or a current girlfriend? What did you say to Prof's suggestion? I wouldn't think Jay or Ms. Salsa would be interested in that kind of date. Egad, the idea of double dating makes me, as staunchly solo poly, sort of cringe. I like having separation and dislike when worlds collide.

But seriously, if you don't like hearing about his other relationships, why keep letting him tell you? It's okay for you to be uncomfortable but not him?
 
Ms Salsa is Jay's "estranged" is probably the best word, wife.
I am a stress non-eater, the idea of dinner under such circumstances would not be conducive to eating. I told him that the double date would not work and totally ignored the suggestion of him meeting Jay under different circumstances. I don't want them to meet. He met Kip and that caused all kinds of issues, and yes, it was 3-way situtation but the egos did not fit into one room. I don't know if he met any of Ms Text's other partners or any of the other ladies partners. I will ask him.
I am not in a good mood ( period looming ) and have not left my office all day. Normally I hate being in here and find all kinds of excuses to leave...so all I write should be taken with a 50lb bag of salt.
Why do I let him tell me? I realized on Saturday that it is because he has no-one else to tell. He wants to share it in the same way we share the goings ons about family and friends and work. To him it is no different. He wants my input, to bounce ideas or simply just to vent or share. I don't think he sees the GFs as being in a separate group. I want to keep them separate.
Prof is driving me nutty with the, what is the word? nosiness? inquisitiveness?
Will finish later
 
I have a sitter and a date lined up with Jay tomorrow.
I said he should come in and say a "brief hello" to the kids. I did indeed say "brief." not hang around and play lego.
I got an email reply about his meeting with the court parenting mediator today and how it is best not to introduce "random strangers" to your kids.
I am really offended. I wrote him a short reply and suggested he find someone with more kid free time and flexible schedule. I know have a rule about breaking up with people when my period is starting but :mad:
 
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My divorce class also recommended not introducing kids to partners until the relationship is well established. Their recommendation was six months. I did more or less follow that advice but my kids were teens when I divorced their father and I started dating Blue about the time my divorce was final which did not seem like an appropriate time to introduce them to a partner. When I was also with Snow, I did introduce her sooner but we were in the closet so to speak, so she was introduced as a friend only. So much depends on the age of the kids, distance from the divorce, and how deeply entangled one gets with his or her new partners, imo, and this is why the divorce class guidelines shouldn't be used as hard and fast rules but left to the discretion of the parent. I'm sorry Jay offended you. Random stranger does have a negative connotation...and it isn't his place to determine how you parent your children. Hopefully, he'll realize that....
 
He wrote 2 apology emails, saying he didn't mean to imply I did it often but that he considers himself to be a "relatively random dude." not sure that is much better
I have really strong opinions on this subject.
I am in a grumpy pants mood due to headache and period so have pretty much cancelled tonight. I need to give it a day or 2 till I am thinking more clearly.
 
Thanks for the reply pinkpig. yes, general guidlines, yes, it depends on how you are introducing and what their role will be.
I think it is rude to sit in the car and beep for someone, no reason he cant park right at the front door and say "hi."
 
I ended up going round to Jay's house. He didn't mention that my last email pretty much told him to "go find someone else who can..." We did discuss the topic of meeting strategies for kids. Mostly we had good sex. We are still at the sex learning stage but he remembered that I told him last time that I enjoy being pinned and he did lots of that. We did have sex, stop for a cup of tea, he had a beer and then have more sex. He runs a lot, it shows, lots of stamina :D

Prof has been very low key the past few weeks. I am not sure if it is work or he is giving me space to see Jay or something else entirely. I saw him last Wednesday, then he said I will see in you fun city for the weekend. We did that, it was brilliant, we went around famous things in costume, oh yes we did, hilarious. He drove 3 hours to pick me up from the airport and another hour to the destination. We stayed for 36 hours and he did the reverse trip.
He said, "I will see you on Weds," we had a hotel night in the local city and really outstanding sex. He said, "I will see you on Sunday'" and I expect to see him tomorrow. But not one extra night or visit in between. It certainly helps improve the sex when I see him less. Maybe that is why he is doing it. I might ask him tomorrow. He is flying out again on Monday night but plans to be back in time for Weds. It is quite amazing how he works his schedule with some very high profile clients to make it back for Weds nights with me. So, whatever his reasons are for firmly scheduling, very clear he won't do more, I don't feel like he is avoiding me, but it is probably work.
On the plus side, it is good for me to have the separation. As NYCindie pointed out I start to lose my independence and sense of self when we see to much of each other. Scaling it back for a few weeks has been helpful. There a few things coming up and I will see him at least one night over the next 3 weekends in a row, plus the regular Weds.
I have no set plans to see Jay again. I thought next Friday but he maybe out of town. I am ok with paying for a sitter once a month or so. He offered to split last night with me, which was sweet. We actually spent the evening at his house which was interesting. His wife stayed with her BF. His house has lots of "woman's touch" mine looks like I moved in 2 weeks ago and haven't had time to decorate yet. :rolleyes: However, I have done a monster amount of travelling, international, out of state and in state. Cuts down on the available cash for throw pillows.:p
 
I asked Prof about the, “I will see you on…” weirdness. He said he was trying to make it clear that I wouldn’t “get left behind,” due to his crazy schedule and that he had set aside time to see me over the next few weeks, those particular days and times would not be interfered with. I have never met anyone who works such an insane number of hours and usually 7 days a week. I have told him I am concerned, but he says he enjoys it or he gets bored. When he said “I will see you on ...” he mean, “ I WILL see you on…despite…” I find it very touching how he makes time for me. The way to my heart is through a schedule.
Jay offered a booty call on Saturday night. I was so tempted to take it but he has side-stepped my efforts at casual kid introductions and yes, I pulled out one, so partly my fault. I fail to see how an accidental late night meeting is preferable to a few brief planned day time ones, I think the kids would be upset by it, so I declined.
Prof took me on a City and hotel night last week and out for dinner and a place that I have wanted to re-visit for 2 years, my first and only experience with tea-leaf salad. I have dreamed about it. The couple of times we planned on it we ended up staying in the hotel and had sex instead. But we made it, ate it, it was as delicious as remembered and then had really wild kinky hotel sex. It was the return of the good times, fishnets and heels, bubbly, a perfectly placed mirror. I love to watch, it is live action porn but I get to feel it :D
Jay is showing lots of signs of willingness to go a bit kinky, talk of hot fudge and whipped cream, pleasure and pain.
 
Sex with Prof, oh dear. Travelling, tired, work...
We meet his realtor and her hubby for dinner, they are a lovely couple and we talked about the Eurotrip. She commented that we must be together over a year at this point. Ms Text died in April last year so, to the realtor, yes, it is over a year. I didn't reply and let Prof field it. I am not happy about it but it is his business relationship and he asked me explicitly not say anything so I can't comment :cool:
Jay couldn’t commit to tomorrow night so I bumped him in favor of a definite yes with Prof but I think we have lined up a booty call for tonight. Does it count as a booty call if you plan it? I want a good fuck and this is the most expedient way to get one.
I am dying of curiosity as to how the sex is between Prof and the other GFs. I have asked him from time to time. I remember him saying that I am most patient when things don’t go as planned. He told me last night that my interest in sex hasn’t decreased whereas with most of his long term partners it does fizzle. Sex twice a day is not an expected thing and sex is usually every other day or less. He was referring to previous long term regular GFs not the current ones. Should I ask? I read somewhere recently that performance is probably the most delicate subject to enquire about. I do know that the issue existed long before me but still the little voice can be quite insistent that it is just me and he swings from the chandeliers with other GFs all night long. I feel like asking him not to have sex the night before he sees me. He knows it is sometimes lacking and I hint around the topic regularly. Poor man. I should drop it, should.
 
The booty call worked out well. I have a later start on Fridays so it was no bother getting up this morning. We fucked and chatted. I told him we need to go out and do some kind of activity soon or I will kick his ass to the kerb. I asked him what he did with previous GFs outside the bedroom, living room, kitchen, :) and he said they weren’t GFs, he had a license to stray, DADT, but nothing was ever on-going. I did not know that. I am his first “official, out-there, open relationship.” We talked about how out of the closet he is, the answer was not very, the family therapist doesn’t know, but immediate family and friends are aware., mostly due to the wife planning a future with her BF.
Added much later: It is not an open relationship. They live in the same house but have separate rooms and are working at co-parenting.
He said is he “very fond” of me which is why he keeps coming round to see me. Sweet. He is a lot more out there emotionally than I am, affectionate touches, terms of endearment. Not hard to do, I know, but I am pretty crap at it, I forget. My love language is scheduling.
Going to the cinema with Prof tonight and then he has got us a table and tickets for a show in the City on Saturday. That man knows how to do activities!
A little Sherlock Holmes thing…Last week he went to sushi with the City Friends. He texted the City Friends a pic I took on the recent trip. I asked for the City Friend’s names. He gave me the names of 2 people who live locally. The show is in the City. 2 extra seats, where are the City Friends? Thought; They may have been Ms Text’s friends too so he is keeping things separate. Very curious. Maybe they are invisible friends, or live in Brigadoon, made out of ectoplasm, ooooooo I got it ZOMBIES!:eek:
 
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