The Best Life Yet

[Reverie]

Hmm...Rider just told me that Desiree has been grilling him about poly. Apparently she is currently single but sleeping with two guys, and she is thinking about "keeping" them both and broaching the topic of poly with them. I am curious to see how that will play out. I love that one of the side-effects that we have about being out of the closet about poly is that we inspire other people to consider whether it might be right for them. The better the concept becomes known, the bigger our dating pool is, haha.

 

[starlight1]

Hmm...Rider just told me that Desiree has been grilling him about poly. Apparently she is currently single but sleeping with two guys, and she is thinking about "keeping" them both and broaching the topic of poly with them. I am curious to see how that will play out. I love that one of the side-effects that we have about being out of the closet about poly is that we inspire other people to consider whether it might be right for them. The better the concept becomes known, the bigger our dating pool is, haha.

Hahaha, it also means the longer our processing sessions.....lol.

 

[Reverie]

Hahaha, it also means the longer our processing sessions.....lol.

Oh, dear. Hahaha. I feel pretty lucky that I haven't had one of those long ones in a minute. Since I'm pretty much too busy for real dating right now, and Rider and Kelly (the only pairing that wibbled me) have shifted to basically platonic, everything has been pretty smooth. I'm sure we'll have our stuff to wade through when we get to Opposite Coast and start dating, though. I'll be sure to pack my processing cap.

 

[Reverie]

So Oona and I have made up completely, but occasionally something related to the stuff she said to me will come ricocheting back into my head and give me pause. This morning, as I was getting dressed, it was how she had claimed that it was me who was driving ALL of the being judgmental, and she was merely humoring me or along for the ride.

It popped into my head because I had been thinking of a comment that Beckett had left on a mutual friend's FB post. The friend had posted a picture of the actress who played Morticia Addams, in which she appeared much heavier than she did long ago. The caption the friend had put on it was "Looks like Morticia ate Uncle Fester!" Beckett had commented on it, "We're all getting older, buddy."

And so I was thinking about Beckett's positive attitude and his having called out our friend on being superficial, and I suddenly remembered that when I first showed Oona pictures of Beckett, she'd had nothing nice to say about him. She made quips like, "You sure do like them emo, don't you?" and "I don't like his hair; it looks like one of those aging rockers that you see in Hollywood."

At the time, I hadn't really been very defensive; I just said that I thought he was hot but I understood if he wasn't her type. I didn't think much about it at all. But, looking back, it occurred to me that it was really kind of mean for her to be saying negative things about the appearance of someone that I was clearly interested in. Her Toby isn't "my type" either, but I have never said anything negative to her about him.

So...it turns out that I don't think I really actually believe her that she was doing those things to humor me. Because I don't think that she could think that criticizing the appearance of someone I like would be in my favor in any way. I don't really know what the deal is. And I'm still willing to let it be water under the bridge, but something doesn't add up there. I'm also not really dwelling on it either. It's just that little pieces kind of pop to the forefront of my mind randomly while I am thinking about other stuff. Maybe I'll be able to eventually organize them into something that makes some sense.

For now, I guess I will just resolve to bring the thing up in the moment if I see it happening again.

 

[starlight1]

So Oona and I have made up completely, but occasionally something related to the stuff she said to me will come ricocheting back into my head and give me pause. This morning, as I was getting dressed, it was how she had claimed that it was me who was driving ALL of the being judgmental, and she was merely humoring me or along for the ride.

It popped into my head because I had been thinking of a comment that Beckett had left on a mutual friend's FB post. The friend had posted a picture of the actress who played Morticia Addams, in which she appeared much heavier than she did long ago. The caption the friend had put on it was "Looks like Morticia ate Uncle Fester!" Beckett had commented on it, "We're all getting older, buddy."

And so I was thinking about Beckett's positive attitude and his having called out our friend on being superficial, and I suddenly remembered that when I first showed Oona pictures of Beckett, she'd had nothing nice to say about him. She made quips like, "You sure do like them emo, don't you?" and "I don't like his hair; it looks like one of those aging rockers that you see in Hollywood."

At the time, I hadn't really been very defensive; I just said that I thought he was hot but I understood if he wasn't her type. I didn't think much about it at all. But, looking back, it occurred to me that it was really kind of mean for her to be saying negative things about the appearance of someone that I was clearly interested in. Her Toby isn't "my type" either, but I have never said anything negative to her about him.

So...it turns out that I don't think I really actually believe her that she was doing those things to humor me. Because I don't think that she could think that criticizing the appearance of someone I like would be in my favor in any way. I don't really know what the deal is. And I'm still willing to let it be water under the bridge, but something doesn't add up there. I'm also not really dwelling on it either. It's just that little pieces kind of pop to the forefront of my mind randomly while I am thinking about other stuff. Maybe I'll be able to eventually organize them into something that makes some sense.

For now, I guess I will just resolve to bring the thing up in the moment if I see it happening again.

This reminds me of homophobia, when the person who likes the homophobic the least is secretly gay. What doesn't add up is that it is probably gas lighting onto you, and it's herself that was the most judgmental, on,y you're just now not only acknowledging it in yourself, but putting the spot light directly on her. That could make her uncomfortable if she's not in the Same place as you to recognise it. So the attacking happens. Could it be this?

 

[PinkPig]

What doesn't add up is that it is probably gas lighting onto you, and it's herself that was the most judgmental, on,y you're just now not only acknowledging it in yourself, but putting the spot light directly on her. That could make her uncomfortable if she's not in the Same place as you to recognise it. So the attacking happens. Could it be this?

That was my impression, too. I don't think Oona is as self-aware as you, Reverie. She doesn't recognize her unhealthy and controlling behaviors. Your growth scares her...challenges her skewed perceptions of reality, so she lashes out at you. I may be off-base but that's my perspective.

 

[Reverie]

What doesn't add up is that it is probably gas lighting onto you, and it's herself that was the most judgmental, only you're just now not only acknowledging it in yourself, but putting the spot light directly on her. That could make her uncomfortable if she's not in the same place as you to recognise it. So the attacking happens. Could it be this?

That was my impression, too. I don't think Oona is as self-aware as you, Reverie. She doesn't recognize her unhealthy and controlling behaviors. Your growth scares her...challenges her skewed perceptions of reality, so she lashes out at you. I may be off-base but that's my perspective.

Maybe...I have this historical image of her in my mind as being wiser and more aware than I am, but I do know that in the past 3 or 4 years that has been changing in kind of an ebbing and flowing sort of way. There have been times when I could see that she couldn't see some unhealthy way she was thinking about things, but I am also sure that the reverse has been true.

I definitely agree that she wishes to be too controlling of me and thinking of it as "for my own good." On the judgment stuff, we've agreed to kind of work on it together, so it's not a huge deal right now; I'll see where it goes.

It just feels good when I can pinpoint a specific occurrence—a cold, hard fact—that shores up my intuition that I'm not crazy and she really was more responsible for this stuff than she'll admit to. Same thing with my (kind of ridiculous) photo tallying: it is just serving the purpose of helping me to trust myself. Unless she tries to throw any of this in my face, I have no intention of even bringing it up to her. I am content to have this be a learning and growth opportunity for both of us, and hopefully her admitting that she feels bad about the way that she said things was the outcome of some introspection on her part that will make her hesitate to behave that way again.

 

[Reverie]

Aurora told me tonight that she's moving to Chicago at the end of the month. She wants to have a combo going away slash birthday party this weekend. Of course I will go, but I am a little stressed out about how what was supposed to be a total-downtime weekend now has that party, the usual football party that I go to with Rider, an interview for a short film about bunnies that Rider got me roped into, and we're supposed to do our periodic STI testing as well. That is NOT a downtime weekend. And this is on track to be my third week in a row that is 65 hours or more of work. I am exhausted. I may opt out of football again like I did two weeks ago. I don't WANT to—I miss the football friends!—but, for the sake of my own sanity, that time is probably better spent working or sleeping.

I sent Rider out to the brewery jam on his own, then declined sex when he got home, telling him I'd stay out of his way if he wanted to masturbate, and so he did. I am going to bed now. I'm looking at getting less than six hours of sleep before getting up to do it all over again. I still have five books to finish over the next three days. Stupid deadlines. Stupid bosses always coming up with a shit-ton more for me to do. Zzzzzzz.

ETA: Also found out today that Sam plans to come here for Halloween again this year. I cannot WAIT to put some love on him. I have been missing the shit out of him lately.

 

[Reverie]

I am feeling extraordinarily independent lately compared to historically. I keep sending Rider out to do socializing on his own and not feeling left out, although I do miss the people that I don't get to see. I don't pine for Rider when I am away on business the way that I used to. I am just very matter-of-fact about Things That Need Doing, and then I do them and come home when it is time. This sounds kind of terrible, but I think I miss Rider way less than he misses me these days.

I mean, I still love him deeply, abidingly, and with a force that sometimes almost knocks me over when I look at him. But the need for constant contact—the all-day IMing, the wondering what he's doing every moment that I am out of town, the crippling envy when he is out having fun without me—it's all gone. I...almost kind of miss it? There seemed to be something huge and sweepingly romantic about pining for my lover whenever I wasn't near him. It was a fairytale-level intensity.

But at the same time, I *don't* miss it. I am too busy for that shit, lol. I have places to go and work to do and even if I did have a big chunk of free time, I have closets that need organizing and roots to touch up and exercise that I have been slacking on. How did I ever get ANYTHING done with such a one-track mind?

He's still my FAVORITE person to be around, and he still feels like my home and sexually excites me (when I am not too beat to even be capable of arousal). I can still spend way too long just gazing at him. But I am not filled with this constant need. In fact, the opposite. I glance nervously at the clock when he is away from home, hoping to be able to get X number of more things done before he arrives. It's not...dread...exactly. It's just that my time alone, instead of a burden, has become this wonderland of productivity that I feel loath to relinquish.

Swing, pendulum, swing.

 

[Reverie]

Love Languages

I took the Love Languages test, and my primary love language was Physical Touch, followed by Quality Time. The other three were clustered, tied, toward the bottom.

I am not very surprised by these results, as I am a very touchy-feely-cuddly person who is often taken to be more flirtatious than I even actually intend because I have such open, affectionate body language with people who haven't given me a reason to dislike them.

In the quality time paragraph, this hit the nail on the head for me: "Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful." Very little pisses me off like messing with my schedule or playing with the phone the whole time I am hanging out with someone.

In ranking the last three myself based on the paragraphs, I would say that Words of Affirmation is probably third (this was super true: "Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.") and Receiving Gifts would be fourth (the part about a missed birthday or anniversary rung true). While I do appreciate an act of service—and Rider does PLENTY of these things for me—nothing in that paragraph was on point for me.

 

[Reverie]

Just got back from the bunny interview a little while ago, and I have to say that even though it took an hour out of my packed day, it was worth it since the woman sent me some stills from the session—Rider and I, holding our bunnies, professionally lit and shot! My bunnies are sooooo cute! If only my cat had been in it; it would have been a real family portrait!

I decided to forgo my STI testing for now, figuring that I am not really sleeping with anyone other than Rider until next month, so I can get tested then. Plus, he's still getting tested and we are fluid-bonded, so I'll pretty much know if we have something by his results.

And I decided to attend the football party but checked with the host to make sure it's cool if I bring my laptop and get some work done while I'm there.

Between those two decisions and sacrificing some sleep last night, I think I should be able to get everything done that needs doing this weekend. The next month is going to be super busy but then it slows down for a little while.

Monday is my deadline for the next batch of books. My next business trip is next Saturday through Wednesday. The 31st is my deadline for the last batch of books and also Sam is coming that weekend. November 1–3 I will be on yet another business trip. The weekend of November 7th we are supposed to go to Football Town for a last-hurrah and my final chance at getting to tailgate on campus. The weekend after that we are going to College Town to hang out with Sam and his brother. Then we have five weeks of relative peace until the move. Well, as much peace as can be had while preparing to move across the country.

 

[Reverie]

Rider has been super needy lately. He's not handling well how much I've been having to work, though I warned him before the work blitz began that we wouldn't be able to spend as much QT together this month as we usually do. I can't really help it much, but I've been doing what I can. I shorted myself on a bunch of sleep Saturday night so that I could have a good, solid date night with him last night. We did dinner and a movie, then I dressed him up and put makeup on him and tied him to the bed and we had some kinky marathon sex. It seems to have helped, but I can't do that too frequently. If I cut into sleep too much, I am bound to get sick, which will help nothing.

We didn't spend much time out with Aurora. She had a brunch, and we stayed for about an hour and a half. She moves in less than two weeks, and I am gone for five days of that on a business trip. I don't think there will be time to see her again, which is a shame. I know she wants to do happy hour, but I am not drinking and there isn't even much for me to eat at the place she wants to go. Plus, time...

Rider is happy that Pablo is coming out to the wrestling event we're supposed to attend tomorrow—one of our platonic friends does amateur professional-style wrestling and he is performing.

I'm just plugging away at work. Last week was 76 hours...

 

[Reverie]

That last post sounded like a complaint about Rider. Really it's mostly not. There was one night where he was really out of sorts about the whole thing and kept me up later than I should have been, needing to Talk about it. But he felt bad about it the next day and thanked me for being patient, and he brought me flowers last night and cooked me dinner to make my life a little easier. We all have needy, emotional times, I guess.

The last time I was really busy with work like this, he had Claire around to distract him and fill his time. And now he doesn't. I've told him he should spend more time with more other people, but most of his friends just had babies and his FWBs are all really busy right now too. He doesn't feel like 10 weeks before we leave is a good time to start something new, either. Conversely, it also isn't very long to tough it out and wait...

 

[Reverie]

So, knowing that it's mostly ladies here in the blogroom, I had to share this here:

A Bra That Fits subreddit with the helpful bra size calculator tool.

Kelly swears by it and has turned me on to it. Apparently some ridiculous percentage of women (myself included) have been wearing a radically different bra size than the one that would work best for them. I had a fair bit of sticker shock when it first spit out my number, but I am gearing up to give it a test run. Reading all the stuff made so much sense to me when I thought about it.

I suppose this is tangentially poly-related because boobs. I like boobs. Everyone should have boobs that are as happy as they can possibly be.

 

[Reverie]

I talked to Oona for a good long while last night. She is back to being in a really good spot with Toby. Apparently he gave her some reassurance that she didn't even know that she needed, and she is a lot more relaxed about everything now.

Pablo ended up completely flaking on Rider last night—no show, no text, nothing. They were supposed to meet at a friend's wrestling show. I was supposed to go, too, but my car battery was dead and it's half an hour away. Rider went straight from work, and I guess he ended up being alone. I am irritated with Pablo on Rider's behalf. If you can't go, don't go, but at least SAY SOMETHING. However, their relationship problems are not my business, so I did not express my irritation other than a commiseratory "that's fucked up" and then keeping my damned mouth shut.

Our big news is that Rider decided it was time to tell his immediate boss about our move to Opposite Coast, and his boss offered to try to get him transferred to the newspaper in that city! (He does graphic design for our local newspaper here, and the two newspapers are under the same umbrella company.) His even higher-up boss from out of town was in town today and took a bunch of them to lunch, and said she has an angle to work to try to make it happen. That would be completely amazing if that goes through. It would mean he wouldn't have a gap in employment, and that newspaper is pretty decently known, so it would be a step up prestige-wise as well.

Also it would mean that our workplaces would be located such that we could live in an area where he could possibly take a train to work and not add anything on to my estimated commute. If he doesn't get the transfer, he could still do the buyout and get unemployment. So it's a win either way unless he gets denied the buyout, which he has been told is very unlikely.

Now that he's told his job, we plan to go public with the info within the next couple of days, after he tells important people like his mom and close friends who would be hurt if they found out via Facebook. I told him it makes sense to do it before I leave for my business trip on Saturday, that way people will have a sense of the urgency of getting to hang out with him, and he might find it easier to find company while I am gone those four nights.

I am really excited not to have to keep the secret anymore. It has been a burden, especially when people are talking about loose tentative plans further out than a couple of months, and I have to nod along and not say anything. It has felt dishonest and I haven't liked it one bit. But I kept the secret until Rider was ready. I'm a real open-book type of person, so not being able to publicly crow about my promotion and my excitement at the move has been a struggle.

So many exciting possibilities on the horizon!

 

[Inyourendo]

So, knowing that it's mostly ladies here in the blogroom, I had to share this here:

A Bra That Fits subreddit with the helpful bra size calculator tool.

Kelly swears by it and has turned me on to it. Apparently some ridiculous percentage of women (myself included) have been wearing a radically different bra size than the one that would work best for them. I had a fair bit of sticker shock when it first spit out my number, but I am gearing up to give it a test run. Reading all the stuff made so much sense to me when I thought about it.

I suppose this is tangentially poly-related because boobs. I like boobs. Everyone should have boobs that are as happy as they can possibly be.

I had no ideaabout bra size, I thought the smaller my breasts got the smaller the cup size and had no idea it was really just a difference between band and bust. I was trying to wear a 38 D and turned out I was a 34F! After corset training and some weight gain I was a 32G.

 

[Reverie]

I had no ideaabout bra size, I thought the smaller my breasts got the smaller the cup size and had no idea it was really just a difference between band and bust. I was trying to wear a 38 D and turned out I was a 34F! After corset training and some weight gain I was a 32G.

Yeah, I didn't have any idea either. I always thought exactly what they explain on the calculator page:

SHOCKED BY YOUR RESULTS?

Don't worry. Most women are.

A = Tiny
B = Small
C = Average
D = Big
DD = Humongous

Does this sound right to you? Think again.

There's widespread misconception that certain cup sizes equate to certain breast size. When people hear "DD" they tend to immediately think "big boobs!" This is not the case, however, because cup size is not static. A bra's cup size is determined relative to its band size. What does this mean? A 36DD is NOT the same as a 30DD - the former holds more volume than the latter. All the DD indicates is that there is a 5 inch difference between your bust and underbust. Each cup letter corresponds to that difference in inches (A = 1, B = 2, C = 3 and so on).

As an example, you might think you're a 34B, when in fact, you could be a 28DD! Both hold the same volume of breast tissue, but the 28DD is meant for a woman with a smaller frame than the 34B. These are called sister sizes, and you can read more about them here.

DD is not the end of the bra size spectrum. In fact, there are bras out there that are regularly manufactured in sizes up to a KK (making the DD a pretty average cup size). These shocking cup sizes do exist, so don't despair! There is a bra out there for you.

I always thought that being a pretty small-chested, petite person meant that I needed a low cup letter. That's what my mom taught me, and I wore the same size as her for years until she recently gained some weight. I'm willing to bet that she was also always wearing the wrong size, and I intend to attempt to measure her the next time we are in the same place at the same time! Who knew there is math behind bras?! Not me...

 

[breathemusic]

Wow. It took me forever but I FINALLY caught up on your blog since I went back and started reading it from the beginning. I just wanted to introduce myself and say Hi and that reading your blog has been amazing! Certain things have resonated with me so much as I've been going through my own poly journey (been poly for about 1.5 years now, with my b/f for a little over 1). I've also been internally cheering you on. It helped that even during the times when I was reading about your struggles and contemplations of stepping back from your relationship with Ryder I could see that in your signature he's your fiancé, so I could be like "ok, don't worry, they clearly make it through this!"

Really, I just wanted to say yay for you and your awesome life and congrats on the engagement!

 

[Reverie]

Wow. It took me forever but I FINALLY caught up on your blog since I went back and started reading it from the beginning. I just wanted to introduce myself and say Hi and that reading your blog has been amazing! Certain things have resonated with me so much as I've been going through my own poly journey (been poly for about 1.5 years now, with my b/f for a little over 1). I've also been internally cheering you on. It helped that even during the times when I was reading about your struggles and contemplations of stepping back from your relationship with Ryder I could see that in your signature he's your fiancé, so I could be like "ok, don't worry, they clearly make it through this!"

Really, I just wanted to say yay for you and your awesome life and congrats on the engagement!

Wow, the whole thing?! I imagine it has to be about the length of an actual novel at this point. I'm glad that you have liked it! It certainly has been a real rollercoaster ride at times!

 

[Reverie]

I am currently at the airport, heading out for business trip 3 of 4 this season. I managed to drop my phone in the gravel outside of my apartment building while waiting for the taxi to the airport, and the screen cracked into several dozen little pieces. Luckily, it still seems to work. However, the timing pretty much couldn't have been worse, as I am going to be away from home for five days, then back for only three, then away for three more. I don't think there will be time to get it fixed between the two trips, so I am just going to have to deal with it being shitty for a while.

Rider was super sad to see me go. I am just numb to it at this point; I have grown used to the lack of sleep and the being away from home and the not really having any long stretches of downtime. Which is not to say that I enjoy it—it's just a testament to the adaptability of humans.

Last night before we went out to dinner, we popped by to see Aurora outside of the coffee bar where she works. She's moving away on Wednesday, and I wanted to get one last hug in. It was good to see her, and I will be traveling to her new city in January for business, so I guess I'll see her then, too. For the short time that she was in my life, she brought a disproportionate amount of good to it, and I am going to miss her.

Rider and I made our public moving announcement yesterday afternoon. His job transfer is looking closer and closer to a real thing; his boss's boss set him up on a phone interview with a supervisor in the Opposite Coast office, and it went well. She wants him for the position, but she has to get it approved by the company VP before anything is definite. Armed with this possibility, Rider decided it was time to tell people. Everyone was very supportive and happy for us.

Yesterday, I woke up really missing Beckett kind of out of nowhere. I think I might have dreamed of him, but I don't really remember it. It wouldn't be surprising if I had; he tends to haunt my dreams far more than anyone else really ever has. I decided that since the move was now public, it couldn't hurt anything to lay my cards on the table. I texted him asking him what his relationship situation was looking like these days, explaining that I definitely would like to see him before I move—in a friendship capacity or otherwise.

If you'll remember, a component of why we stopped seeing each other was that he had wanted to see where things went with an ex of his. I wanted to make sure I wasn't stepping on anyone's toes, so in my text, I was completely up front with my desire for more if he was open to it. He replied to my text telling me that he wants to see me as well, and that he'd explain about the ex thing when we see each other—that it was kind of a long story. So I have no idea when that is going to happen, but we both want it to happen. I'm still uncertain whether it will be more than friendly, but I'll be happy either way. Agh, the idea of kissing him still makes my entire body quiver.

Rider still hasn't heard from Pablo. He is not happy with him right now. He said he's sure he'll hear from him in a few days explaining how he had some sort of emotional meltdown, but that it's really not cool just to disappear like that when they'd had plans together. I am trying to reserve judgment and not let my goodwill toward Pablo sour. I hate to see Rider hurt. This is his first boyfriend, and the uniqueness of their relationship in that way has, I think, left him unusually vulnerable to heartbreak. He says he still has intense feelings toward Pablo.

Sam comes to visit next Friday; that will be nice. Maybe Rider will get some Allie time while I'm gone.

Aside from my attempted rekindling with Beckett and Rider dealing with Pablo being AWOL, everything is pretty quiet on the homefront. We're kind of just counting down the weeks and days until we move.