Back to monogamy?

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being747

New member
I´m 40 and my husband is 38. After 15 years of monogamy, we decided to open up our marriage (that was in march). I´ve wanted that for years....It took years for him to realize that I really meant what I said.
He´s been having a girl friend since summer, but he´s really having a problem with me meeting other men.
I didn´t even have the chance until now, but he´s already worrying and worrying all the time. He thinks he can´t cope with it. He says, the idea is disgusting for him.
That makes me really sad. Not only having all those probems without even making out with anybody... especially because I managed it pretty well: coping with my feelings toward the other woman.
It felt weird, but it doesn´t really bother me. i love him- we have great sex- and when he is with her I just do and think something else.
Feels like I am born for that kind of relationship.
He says he can´t handle that and he can see no solution.

But what can I do for him?? Please help me. He feels so uncomfortable. He is so scared of me meeting someone better than him. He feels so insecure.
I am so easy with all that and now having all that trouble without having done anything!!!

Thanks for your help!
 
That's a pretty serious inequity. He didn't want to open the marriage, but when he finally agreed, *he* was the one who found another partner, and he's now telling you he doesn't want *you* to?

Sorry. Later maybe I'll be able to give a more neutral, thought-out response, but right now all I can say is bullshit. If he gets to have someone else, you should too. Especially since this was your suggestion that he claimed he didn't want to go along with at first.

Is he going to stop seeing his girlfriend? Or is he going to keep seeing her but keep "forbidding" you to see other men? Or is he going to say he won't see her anymore but keep doing so anyway? (Seen that happen before.)

HIS insecurities and jealousy are HIS problem. Not yours. You can reassure him, but you are not responsible for his emotions, actions, or words. Only your own. But if you choose to stop looking for another partner because of your husband's emotions, you're letting him foist off that responsibility onto you. You're letting HIS problems control YOUR happiness.

Is that really okay with you?
 
I'm sorry you're struggling. You say a few times that you're doing okay with your metamour, with the implication that therfore he should be doing okay with you seeing other people. While that may seem fair to you, it's not realistic. He's a different person and it sounds like he's more insecure, so it may take him longer to adapt to polyamory than it will take you. And you were the one pushing for it. It sounds like it doesn't come as naturally to him.

I think the best thing to do is work with him on his insecurities. They seem to be based on his fear of being replaced. You'll probably have to take it slow. But if you've been waiting 15 years, what is working on it for another year or two, really? Maybe start by talking with him about his other relationship. There are parallels there. I mean, he isn't trying to replace you, so why would you be trying to replace him, etc.

Then maybe see if he'd be okay with just a date and no physical stuff, and then give him lots of time to reconnect and reassure after. I think it's pretty normal for him to be afraid of you leaving him if polyamory doesn't come naturally to him and he's insecure. He will probably do better once he realizes that you will not, in fact, leave him. And that you aren't jumping feet-first into the dating pool, but rather that you're willing to take it slowly for him because he does matter a lot to you.

Have you read any books with him about opening up, polyamory, jealousy, or self-esteem? Reading some books together and discussing might really help. You might also consider seeing a sex-positive counselor together.
 
KC43 said:
HIS insecurities and jealousy are HIS problem. Not yours. You can reassure him, but you are not responsible for his emotions, actions, or words. Only your own. But if you choose to stop looking for another partner because of your husband's emotions, you're letting him foist off that responsibility onto you. You're letting HIS problems control YOUR happiness.

Is that really okay with you?
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This is all absolutely true, but you have to be willing to lose this relationship if you don't take his feelings into account. Does your happiness include keeping this relationship? Or is developing other relationships more important to you? You may not get to have both, in which case you have to decide on your priorities. Sure, you could go ahead despite his problems, and I wouldn't blame you if you insisted, especially if that was your agreement. You have to choose what's most important and how to achieve it.

And there is nothing of fairness to worry about, unless it was a condition of giving this a try. One of you is bound to progress more quickly than the other, and if it were you who found someone first and then decided it was a mistake, would he have to be with someone else to balance it out? That might be his decision, but then you'd have to decide if you could accept that.

Yes, you wanted this, and it would be great if you could experience it as well. But life isn't fair, and compromises and negotiation are necessary.
 
Thanks a lot for your answers....your ideas help me a lot :)

He said today, that he will end his relationship with his girlfriend. I´d really be annoyed if he started liing at me!!!
"he could have one- I should have one too"- That is exactly what he complains about. That I would have such an "eye for an eye" strategy. He´s accusing me of being that easy with her, just because I know: now I can do it, too.
And of course it is that way. I´d love to have the opportunity of having other relationships which are physical, too.

I SO MUCH agree with you two. That´s also really what I believe. His jealousy is HIS problem.
But I´m reading books about that topic, I´m informing myself. He refuses!!!
He doesn´t want to hear about it right now.
On the other hand he´s got moments, where he understands it, saying he wants me to be as free as I want to be. He´s just so torn over what he feels or thinks.

It feels like: when he feels insecure he gets so much in dumb conservative thinking.... Ireally wonder if he ends the relationship it with A. ( his friend).
She is fully in love with him...I´m not totally happy about it, but mainly because she´s cheating on her partner..... besides that I want him to be loved and to feel loved and I hoped so much it makes him strong and self-confident.

I now think: it needs a lot of self-love or at least self-confidence to live polyamory: but I am sure I can live that!!

P.S. A sex-positve counselor :D
I live in a town in Germany- I don´t even know if there are any!! I think germany is rather old-fashioned. I´m a psychological Counselor myself and I know colleagues who´d say polyamory doesn´t work!
 
@central: I really offered him that I just leave it, lets say for a year or so and then talk about it again. But I don´t know if I can mange that. Just imagine, ther is another guy I really want....how can I convince myself when I know he did it???

To explain the situation: I really love sex, and for me it´s more the sex I´d love to have. (I´m almost a sex addict) I don´t really need another partnership. I love him, but what really thrills me is the option of being able to have it all: The stable marriage and andventurous exciting sex :)
 
being747 said:
@central: I really offered him that I just leave it, lets say for a year or so and then talk about it again. But I don´t know if I can mange that. Just imagine, ther is another guy I really want....how can I convince myself when I know he did it???

To explain the situation: I really love sex, and for me it´s more the sex I´d love to have. (I´m almost a sex addict) I don´t really need another partnership. I love him, but what really thrills me is the option of being able to have it all: The stable marriage and andventurous exciting sex :)
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I sincerely hope you find a way to get what you want without destroying or irretrievably harming this relationship. You deserve it - but we don't always get what we deserve. The righteous approach would be to tell him that he's tried it, and now you get to do so as well. He has to deal with his insecurities and you will help however you can, but won't accept a veto until you've at least had the same opportunity that he has. He may get over it after a bout of insecurity and maybe acting badly for a bit. Normal, but unpleasant - if you can handle that, then go for it.

Maybe he'll adjust and overcome his insecurity when you keep coming back to him. And of course, if you go forward despite his issues, keeping his new lover may help him get over his insecurity. It's a risk, but sometimes the risks are worth the rewards, and it does sound like you won't be happy if you have to give up your desires. Tough call, but I'd say take the chance but be prepared for the possible repercussions.
 
being747 said:
He said today, that he will end his relationship with his girlfriend. I´d really be annoyed if he started liing at me!!!
"he could have one- I should have one too"- That is exactly what he complains about. That I would have such an "eye for an eye" strategy. He´s accusing me of being that easy with her, just because I know: now I can do it, too.
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He refuses to read with you. To me, that's a red flag. He isn't open to the possibility of having his mind changed? He doesn't want to grow to be a more secure person regardless? Is it because he's feeling pushed, or because he is simply monogamous?

It might be a good time to bring up that you still want to date others, even though he has broken up with his girlfriend, BECAUSE you aren't viewing the situation in an eye-for-an-eye way. Which doesn't mean that you are going to go out and start dating whether he wants you to or not, just that the conversation is not over.

I would consider negotiating a brief break with him, though. Maybe he's so reticent because he feels like you're pushing? Maybe something like, I'll stop talking about it for now if you agree to read X and think about it for two weeks. That way, you're both giving up something you want (you, immediate progress, and him, reading about it). I think that would show willingness to work through the issue on both of your parts.

In any case, you phrased this thread as how to help him. You can only help him if he's open to being helped. If he is too insecure to do polyamory, AND he's not willing to work on that, then I don't think you'll be able to both do polyamory and stay with him. You may have to decide which is more important to your happiness.

Finally, if his insecurity really is based in a fear of losing you, AND you don't think you can do monogamy indefinitely, I think he deserves to know that he could lose you anyway. That isn't something you should just spring on him without giving HIM an opportunity to realize what's at stake. Despite what you've said here, he may not realize how important to you this is.

But at this point, I think you'd stand to lose less by at least trying to work through it at his pace, as long as he's honestly trying to work with you on it. It sounds like you do love your husband and that he is trying. And the other sex that you want to be having, it will still be there a year from now.
 
I had insecurities when we first opened up our marriage, but they seemed to go away once I found someone to date. I'm not sure if I can articulate how I dealt with them. It just fell away bit by bit. At some point I realized she was not trying to replace me, and if she did, she probably didn't love me anyway.

I think a lot of couples hit a stumbling block and it all seems hopeless and they give up. Keep working through it. Keep reassuring your husband that you are not looking to replace him. Remember that it takes time for people to process things. Right now he might call it "disgusting", but next week or next month he may have worked through that.
 
Thank you all very much!! I really appreciate your wise replies.
After being all stubborn and negative my husband decided to examine and read about jealousy.
I feel that it needs more time. I know he felt quite pushed into it....
I checked out your link gala girl and i talked with him about that...i need to translate it into german for him.

He says it might be painful for him....i wonder why His gilfriend is Not painful for me???
I even think about talking to her about him: he is attractive, having a good job, into sports, has house -wife-kids
Why does he feel inferior???
For me it feels good having a metamour helping me with that.

Greetings to you all! Have a nice day :)
 
I am sure you know, but german www.polyamorie.de/ are also nice. There may even be a community.

Besides, I do not believe that Germany is so very conservative, unless it is wastly different across the border (I kind of live in the neighbourhood, Czech Republic ;)). Maybe it is more the matter of a small town. There may not be as much polyamorous people as in US, and perhaps no counsellors labeling themselves openly as "poly friendly", but still, it is middle Europe with all it's emphasis on secularity, not having as much of a problem with the sex-positive approach (I met one GREAT sex worker from Germany, as she had a workshop in Prague).

I am not saying this to invalidate your judgement, I just want to suggest that you might want to get more in touch with local resources, so that perhaps you can make some poly-friends and your husband feels less alone and weird. You might even find out that you have friends which are open already, if you are not afraid to tell people ;)

being747 said:
To explain the situation: I really love sex, and for me it´s more the sex I´d love to have. (I´m almost a sex addict) I don´t really need another partnership. I love him, but what really thrills me is the option of being able to have it all: The stable marriage and andventurous exciting sex :)
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Have you considered a more swingers lifestyle then? Perhaps that might be less threatening?
 
what a change

I think it's important to complete that thread by telling you what happened.

I was in another city on the weekend. He was as scared and insecure as one can get. He felt all unkomfortabel all the time.

On saturday night I got to know an irish guy, 25 years old, really interesting person. After a while he was complimenting myself how hot I was ;)
I want to keep it short- I had sex with this gux. It was rather disappointing.
I wrote my husband. He asked for some details. He figured out that he felt fine!
I came back and we talked a lot. He is so happy now.
He told me that he has been worrying for weeks. Always thinking that he couldn't manage it. And now: it feels easy.
What a relief!!

I'm really done with monogamy now. It feels right. It feels mature. It feels like freedom now. :)
I love it <3
 
That's good news :) I found the same thing...the idea of it was scarier to me than the reality. One word of caution though, I find the fears and insecurities come in layers...I'll peel one off, only to find another layer... it's been a longer process for me (but very, very worth it.)
 
So true, and of course there will be situations like that in the future, too.
But now we now he can be easy with that.
And the endless discussion before made it feel massive. He said all that theroretical playing things through was horrible and had nothing to do with reality.
We know we have to talk a lot and learn. But now it feels ok :)
 
Hi being747,
Sorry your husband pulled a double standard on you.

Re (from being747):
"He said today, that he will end his relationship with his girlfriend."
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Gee, that's kind of a crappy thing for him to do to his girlfriend.

Re:
"'He could have one -- I should have one too --' That is exactly what he complains about. That I would have such an 'eye for an eye' strategy."
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Oh sure, like you're doing it maliciously. Sounds to me like he's getting defensive because he knows he's in the wrong.

Re:
"On the other hand he's got moments, where he understands it, saying he wants me to be as free as I want to be."
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It would seem that he grasps the idea of polyamory in general (if not RA!).

Re:
"I'm not totally happy about it, but mainly because she's cheating on her partner ..."
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Ohh, that's not good. What's her exit strategy?

Re (from AutumnLeaves):
"It might be a good time to bring up that you still want to date others, even though he has broken up with his girlfriend, *because* you aren't viewing the situation in an eye-for-an-eye way."
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Amen!

---

Oh, good, he found out it wasn't so hard to endure after all. Thanks for that update!

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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