I am sorry you struggle. To me it sounds like several layers.
1) Husband is lala in NRE while you deal in poly hell feelings.
2) You are not getting what you need from husband.
3) Other wife has poor listening skills.
4) You have some poor listening skills – just different ones than her. Then you two clash.
5) The group is still working out info boundaries.
It is only 6 mos in. For you maybe the group NRE is wearing off and you are no longer in pink fluffy lala clouds about being in a quad and asking the more down to earth questions. Maybe other members are still in lala and not yet coming down to earth and it's a drag waiting for them to arrive? Compounded by other problems?
1) Husband is all lala with NRE.
It spounds like he is neglecting you because you are the secure 18 year old relationship to him and she's the new, 6 mos old unstable relationship to him. He wants to spent time on it to secure it but you end up feeling poly hell. If the relationships were people, a 6 mos old baby would require more "hands on" attention than an 18 year old. You might be willing to make space and time for that. But at the same time, that doesn't mean the 18 year old doesn't need any attention at all!
Could explaining it that way to him help get your message across without so much fighting?
I just keep feeling like I'm being replaced and he's losing interest in me.
Poly hell stuff. Would he be willing read that with you?
Tell him what behavior you would like NOW, not keeping it on past stuff. Ask if he's willing to do it.
All we do is argue about their relationship constantly.
How does it go from you expressing something about YOU to arguing about THEM?
- Does HE go all defensive when you try to tell him how you feel and what you need?
- Do you sail into him in accusatory tones?
- Something else?
Could you be willing to give an example conversation?
2) Your unmet needs in the marriage.
He was very unromantic for the last 18 years with me. We've been together since we were 16. I didn't know that romance was possible or a part of him until he began doing it for her. So now I wonder why she got that from him and I didn't for the last 18 years.
Because he's changed over time. He's not the same guy since you dated him as a 16 year old boy. Now he's a 34 year old man. You dated a kid. She's dating an adult.
Stop taking it personally like he is doing something TO you or like he is doing something extra FOR her. He's just a different, older dude. If you find you would also like to date him as an adult, focus on that. The PRESENT. Not the past.
Ask him out on a date. Let him know you would like that kind of attention too.
I asked him to get a vasectomy 5 years ago after our daughter was born and he refused and so I got fixed. Now he has had to wear condoms with her during sex because she is not fixed so he had a vasectomy to fix that 3 weeks ago.
It would have been nice if he could have done it 5 years ago, but he was not at that place back then. That time is PAST.
You could learn not to take his actions personally. Like you are not enough to do the vasectomy for but she is. It is not about you or her. It's about HIS readiness to deal with surgery rather than deal with condoms. In the PRESENT day? He was ready to do surgery now.
3) She's not feeling secure in the relationship (her + your DH) so she's all weird.
She could work on her own poor listening. To me she sounds like she's doing some of these.
http://www.theexecutiveadvisory.com/toolkit/poor_listenting_habits.html
4) You have your own listening skills to improve. Just different collection than her. And I think the two collections end up grating on each other or triggering each other and you fall into some weird feedback loop.
You could be more assertive. "Assertive" doesn't mean "aggressive."
Myself and the others wife are always at each other's throat and don't know how to communicate with each other. I feel like I can't tell anyone when something bothers me because of the anger and defensive tones I get in return . . . if I tell her something.... she goes right behind me and asks if that's how he feels too.
You could learn to speak your truth without taking her anger/defensiveness on personally and on board for yourself. If someone acts out at you, you could relearn to reflect it back. Something like... "I see you doing (being defensive, shouting, flipping things around on me, something else...). I don't like that. Please stop. We can talk later when you are cooler headed."
If you are doing poor listening and hearing anger/defensiveness where there isn't any... that's a separate thing.
Could it be there's a little of BOTH going on here?
How willing are you/ the group to do something like
http://msue.anr.msu.edu/uploads/236/64484/MOD_3_LISTENING_TO_FACE_VOICE_AND_BODY.pdf
together to help improve communication? Right now it is the wives, but later it could be some other pairing experiencing friction.
5) This group is working out info boundaries still -- kinda of oversharing info right now.
Just because you are all friends, just because this is a quad, doesn't mean you have to ALL share EVERYTHING. Each dyad needs a small amount of privacy. Not because anyone is doing anything bad, but because each couple will want it's own pet names, and jokes, and whatever. Each person will also want some privacy too so they can maintain their own individual sense of self.
We all discuss everything and want to maintain open and honest communication to keep all of the relationships going.
“Everything” means what topics?
Have you sat down to do the metacommunication? Talk about HOW you guys talk? And over WHAT topics? Some of stuff you could talk less about. Keep clearer boundaries.
You don't have to talk with her about (you + your husband) things. You could talk to your husband about that.
You husband doesn't have to be telling you (him + her) things. He could tell her that. If he's not being PRESENT with you, and caught up texting, ask if he's willing to set the phone down and not be intrusive with it.
Sex healthy hygiene – ok. That's one all people should talk about to stay healthy especially if all are fluid bonded.
CONCLUSION
You staying silent is not a healthy solution. You end up walking on egg shells. I can guess you are overwhelmed. How about taking it one thing at a time?
Galagirl
