Sorry to hear about the job, nycindie. That totally sucks and I also would have been really upset. Well done, though, on your fabulous level of compassion toward your co-worker. How wonderful that you were able to be so kind.
At what point are lives entwined? When are lives not entwined? Is there some discernable, clear line demarking the transition?
I don't think so. It depends too much on the people involved.
Was it ethically wrong or inappropriate to tell him that I loved him -- because that can be taken as some kind of pressure to do or be something with or for me?
This depends on a lot of factors for me. The sorts of things I'd consider are: do you know his feelings on somebody saying that they love him? Was it said before or after his saying that he was going to move on? Does he know your feelings on telling somebody that you love them?
For myself, I try to be cautious about telling people I love them just because it is a bit of a loaded phrase and can be felt as pressure by the recipient.
We agreed very early on to not withhold the truth from one another, to be open and honest and expressive with one another.
This is stuff I've struggled with myself. When I said that I thought it was not ethical in my view to share that stuff, I was thinking of all the times I have communicated in similar ways - and all the times I probably will in the future.
I think that agreements to be open and honest are common at the start of relationships. I think that sticking to them is tricky - for a couple of reasons.
First - this may just be me but I find that I don't tend to have just one response to changes. When a close friend of mine told me recently that she had achieved something amazing in the field that we both work in, I found myself having a number or reactions. I was jealous of her success. I also felt down on myself for not having a similar achievement to report. I was happy for her. I felt that she deserved the success. I was glad to share in her good news. I felt relief that she had something going well in her life as she has had so many problems recently.
I communicated honestly, telling her that I was happy for her, that I thought it was the start of a run of good luck for her, that I couldn't think of anybody better to have that success. I bought wine and nice food for her.
If I was struggling generally with feelings of jealousy and inadequacy then I would be discussing those with many friends including that one but not during a happy time for that friend.
In fact, jealousy is background noise to me. I grew up as the oldest child in a multi child family and being quiet and well behaved was pretty much ignored once my siblings came along. It's the sort of upbringing that breeds jealousy and I feel it regularly. So regularly that I tend to deal with it on my own and don't find it a problem - it is just a minor irritation to me after all these years of practise. Similarly with feelings of inadequacy. They plagued me when I was younger but not now. Those feelings come along sometimes and then I talk to myself and remind myself that they aren't true. It's like jealousy - background noise.
I think as well that it is important to think about how messages may be received and to try and give them in a way that is less likely to taken as disapproval or disappointment at a decision made or pressure to behave in a particular way.
So to me, open and honest communication isn't as simple as it maybe is for you.
A Question for InfinitePossibility
If I remember right, you are also generally opposed to polyamory or non-monogamy in romantic relationships -- which, if I understand you correctly, you think of as necessarily monogamous if ethical. Correct?
I wouldn't go as far as to say romantic relationships are necessarily monogamous if they are ethical. I think it is more that there is a tendency for romantic relationships - however they are structured to not be terribly ethical. There is much in our society that encourages manipulation of partners as well as thinking about romantic partners in terms of what can be got from them.
The difficulty that partnered poly folks face is that it is hard to have romantic relationships ethically when there is just two of you. With more people, I think it gets harder.
The primary/secondary/tertiary thing I just think is very often ethically dodgy for the people in the position of primary - mostly I think because it entails so much couple privilege
Even the folks who don't do hierarchical relationships, though, walk a fine line. It is easy for couple privilege to creep in without a coupled person being aware of it. Easy too for a long term partner to be treated less than well because of a desire to avoid hierarchy and couple privilege.
Plus easy for folks on the outside to feel and be treated like they are on the outside - even if that is unintentional. In fact, even if great moves are made to include them they are likely to receive regular messages from family and friends about getting a 'proper' relationship for themselves and to not allow themselves to be a bit player in somebody else's relationship.
I think these things are hard for anybody involved to see. Our brains tend to stop us from being able to see ourselves and our actions clearly.
This is how I see things from my view point and from my biases. There is no reason for anybody else to agree with me - especially here. I mostly write for myself anyway - to work out why it is that while I like the theory of poly relationships, I feel such resistance to being in one.
IP
