Is it truly poly if...

T

truthseekingwithin

New member
Hello,
I'm new here and to poly. I stumbled upon it and have discussed it almost non stop with my husband every since. He is supportive as long as there is always openness, honesty and transparency. I am completely willing to do that and wouldn't want to do it any other way.

I'm still trying to define things right now. I don't want to jump into anything without being certain. I have read and researched and can't seem to find a definite answer for definition purposes. My husband and I have a wonderful family that we want to keep intact and priority. Our kids are my life and our heart. If we were to form new relationships outside of our marriage, but maintain that our family takes priority over other relationships, would this be true poly?? Would it be defined more as an open marriage? I would hate to advertise myself as poly and lead anyone on. My husband and I are fully committed to staying married until one of us croaks. lol.

Would that be poly? And are there people out there who would be able to respect the fact that our relationship and kids come first? Thank you! I'm very green :D
 
I'd say, kids' needs always come first. Period. Anyone who dates you will have to realize kids come first. Sometimes as parents, though, we have to determine if a kid has a need or just a want, or a habit. So, that needs to be taken into consideration as well.

However, there is no "one true poly." Some people do prioritize their primary. Others are compassionate to other lovers' needs, and consider degree of need, not whether the partner is primary or secondary. Some may not consider a spouse or longer term partner to have priority over others, and do no label them primaries, secondaries or tertiaries.
 
Just my opinion, but I think what you're describing falls within the scope of polyamory. I've met several poly people who prioritize their marriage or live-in relationship over their other relationships in some capacity. Plus, what may sound great in theory, isn't what you find that you want once you jump in and actually start dating. And, of course, your desires and boundaries will change and evolve the more comfortable you both become dating other people, the deeper those relationships become, and the lifestage you are in at the time (when your kids are older, you may find you've loosened on boundaries considerably.)
 
Your poly sounds a lot like my poly, and I say "poly," not "open relationship," because I am dating and developing relationships and emotions with other people, not just having casual encounters with people.

I am married, with 4 kids. My family comes before my other partners, regardless of how much I care for them, and I do care for my current secondary partner, very much. It helps that we are completely transparent with our needs from the relationship, but in the end, we are strictly secondary to each other's primaries for various reasons.
 
I think that for "definition purposes" poly works as well as any other label. But other than deciding what websites to visit and which meet ups to attend, labels aren't that much help ;) It might be easier if poly came with a membership card and a rule book, but it doesn't. Do what works for you, and be open to letting that change and evolve over time.

My husband and I are open to having other partners and we kind of let the individual relationships go in whatever direction they need to go. I do prioritize my marriage, but I do that by choice, not because it's some official rule. And it's a choice I make in a million little ways every day, and not just about poly stuff, but also about work stuff and friend stuff and family stuff. I love my husband to pieces and if he's unhappy, I'm unhappy, so I choose to make him a priority and do everything I can to make our marriage work.

As for finding people who are happy with this... I haven't had trouble. Sane people don't expect to be on equal footing with your long term spouse after a few dates. As long as you can see your potential other partners as real people with responsibilities, preferences, and feelings that need to be respected, they will give you and your priorities the same respect.
 
Thank you for all of the feedback guys! It is very helpful. I am trying to decide what "label" to put out there if I were to try dating sites or meet ups. Also, for my own purposes. I wouldnt want to go into anything with unreasonable expextations. thanks again!
 
truthseekingwithin said:
Thank you for all of the feedback guys! It is very helpful. I am trying to decide what "label" to put out there if I were to try dating sites or meet ups. Also, for my own purposes. I wouldnt want to go into anything with unreasonable expextations. thanks again!
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For me, an open marriage is poly. In order to avoid unreasonable expectations, be up front about the type of relationship you want.
 
Compeletely doable. Just be upfront that your family will always be a priority. I know many folks that are similarly inclined. As long as all parties understand that your nesting partner and family have a certain place for you, it can work. It may limit your pool, but honesty about your resources for a given relationship let's potential partners have an idea of whether your needs and wants could mesh.

Just remember that those needs and wants can change over time and always keep communicating with your partners about how/if the relationship and its structures are affecting everyone and be willing to talk through changes. It's heartbreaking a year or two in when someone wants a change in structure and they are not heard but roughly told well this is what you signed up for. Changes might not be possible but talking about it and treating that person as human with valid emotion and opinions always is.
 
It sounds like poly to me if you're looking for a deep emotional connection with your prospective significant others instead of solely a sexual connection... but why do you have to put a label on it? The exact type of relationship you want to have with someone else is a topic you're going to have to discuss with them pretty extensively. And anyone worth dating is going to understand that your kids come first and that you have a long-term, entwined relationship with your spouse.

You might want to look into threads or for resources discussing hierarchical poly, since it sounds like that is the type of poly that you think* you want to practice.

*And this may change after you do some reading or just over time!
 
Hi truthseekingwithin,

Re (from OP):
"If we were to form new relationships outside of our marriage, but maintain that our family takes priority over other relationships, would this be true poly?"
Click to expand...

As true as any other sort of poly, yes. Now that doesn't mean every polyamorist would approve, but then you don't need every polyamorist's approval to be poly.

Re:
"Would it be defined more as an open marriage?"
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The words "open marriage" conjure up a picture of outside relations that don't have much emotional content. But the dividing line is kind of fuzzy, there's some overlap between "poly" and "open."

Re:
"I would hate to advertise myself as poly and lead anyone on."
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Well, don't rely on either label (open or poly) to describe what you're offering. Instead, go ahead and describe it. Including the fact that you want your family (your marriage and your kids) to come first.

Does that help?
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you everyone!! These responses do help! I think that there is one more question though. While my husband is supportive of my desire, he doesn't want to start any poly relationships for himself. He wants me to be happy so he is ok with this. So it seems to me that only I am poly and he is not...therefore making us???? I don't know what kind of relationship that would be termed as. I also don't know why I'm getting caught up in defining it :\
Thanks again for all the responses :)
 
It would make you a mono/poly relationship, which is really only useful as a term for looking things up on the site.

Defining things for yourself is sometimes important, but remember that other people you may talk to or date may use the exact same terms differently - so make sure you're on the same page if you're dating someone.

(And I highly recommend reading The Game Changer, as well as More Than Two. You can definitely have emotionally entangled, significant relationships while having a marriage and family, but there are pitfalls.)
 
I put on my OK Cupid profile that I practice ethical non-monogamy and also that I am polyamorous.

People can Google the terms if they read your profile and don't understand. But most people don't read my profile anyway. The huge majority look at my profile pic and send me spam, or "hi how are you," or even, the other day, "Fuck me." I reported that one!

Today a guy messaged me to ask me what polyamory and sapiosexual meant. I guess his Google is broken. I decided to write back and tell him, just to be nice. And his inbox was full, even though he said he was "new" on the site, so my message wouldn't send. The heck?

morethantwo.com is the website that prededed the book of the same name. So if you won't want to look for the book, it's free and easy to read much of the same info there.

It's cool your husband seems to be OK with you being poly while he remains mono. I hope he adjusts to it OK when you actually start dating and having sex.
 
Hubby's the same way. He has no interest whatsoever in having other romantic partners (he says emotionally he can barely handle our relationship sometimes, and he wouldn't want to screw things up by trying to add someone else; as far as emotions go he could give Mr. Spock a run for his money), and while he wouldn't be opposed to having sex with someone else if offered, he wouldn't want to have even an ongoing fuck-buddy thing with someone else and doesn't consider having another sexual partner worth the effort of trying to find one.

It makes you a couple with one poly partner and one mono partner. It makes you two people who want each other to be happy and comfortable. It makes you people.

Why label? (Says the woman who labels everything, but we'll pretend that isn't the case... ;))
 
Re (from truthseekingwithin):
"While my husband is supportive of my desire, he doesn't want to start any poly relationships for himself. He wants me to be happy so he is okay with this. So it seems to me that only I am poly and he is not ... therefore making us --?"
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You could say mono/poly. Or you could just say poly; after all, your husband is participating in a poly setup even if he's not looking for a second partner for himself.
 
I'm mono; my partner is poly. Technically, it's a mono/poly relationship, but I really think of the relationship as poly while I just don't take on any other relationships of my own. God knows I have enough going on. I'd plotz. :p

Like the others have said, the label doesn't matter so much, and his being poly (or not) doesn't define or impact your being poly.
 
How great that husband is supportive of you! Always awesome to see that on here, when we hear so many painful stories of partners who struggle to support their poly partners.

Be sure to keep communicating with him along the way. Roger was really supportive throughout, but I think it made it more difficult for him to share when things were hard for him. Hindsight.

Also, I'd recommend staying open to the idea that your hubby might change his mind in the future. Roger was mono for like 4 years before he got to know Taylor and realized that he wanted to date her. If not for her, he probably would still be mono (and if not for Jack, I probably would still be mono too). It depends!
 
I have always viewed "open" as the umbrella term covering all non-monogamy, with swinging and nsa at one end, and full on committed poly at the other, and including fb, fwb, and everything in between. So, open is a perfectly good place to start. It'd also a term that most people know, to get the conversation started. That slightly awkward conversation of, "I'm married, but this is okay."
And clarifying that your husband is mono I feel is unnecessary. You need to be open and honest, but not necessarily share HIS details.
Anyhow, good luck, have fun, and be grateful for your husband's support, that is awesome!
 
truthseekingwithin said:
If we were to form new relationships outside of our marriage, but maintain that our family takes priority over other relationships, would this be true poly?? Would it be defined more as an open marriage? I would hate to advertise myself as poly and lead anyone on. My husband and I are fully committed to staying married until one of us croaks.
Click to expand...

It all depends on definitions, doesn't it? 'Poly' was sold to me as:

This can be JUST LIKE any other relationship EXCEPT we can't bet married.
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It was sold to me as I would be treated just like any other girlfriend, any other relationship, that the fact he was married would have NO impact on me.

Give what I now know, I would say I was NOT treated like any other girlfriend. What he had was an open marriage. In his defense (which I'm not entirely sure he deserves) I don't think he himself quite realized how his actually falling in love with someone else would affect his wife. She became insecure, passive aggressive, and started playing games--the end result being, he was faced with a choice of who to put first.

When you put one person over another, by MY definition, that's open marriage, not 'open loving honest relationships.' As much as his feelings for me were deep, profound, and sincere, the fact remains, I was ultimately expendable if his wife had any issues. To me, someone you love is not expendable.

When you're willing to throw your 'loving relationship' under a bus because your partner got insecure and jealous, and you'll save that relationship before insisting on equal respect--that's an 'open relationship,' not 'equal loving relationships.'

I personally think it would be more upfront to tell any potential love interest that you have an open marriage rather than polyamory, as long as your spouse and family come first.

Understand--I'm all for putting your children first. I also believe the best thing for your children is putting your spouse ahead of any other. (Assuming the spouse is not abusive or harming children or family.) I just think any potential romantic partner has a right to know upfront that they will always take back seat to the needs of children and spouse. Make sure they know upfront that they are expendable, and therefore ultimately an entertainment.
 
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