Smelling the flowers

[Petunia]

Golden

Hey sweetie,

"Are you saying that Thursday, Friday, and Saturday are your preferred date nights? (Tuesday nights you have class.)"
Golden: No

"Are there nights you wish to avoid for sleepy-time nights?"
Golden: No

"What time do you want to put down on the calendar for sleepy-time nights? 9? 10?"
Golden: 9, sounds fine to me, with the idea of being flexible. I also think we really need to talk about when other events, which we don't attend together effects our sleepy-night plans.

"What is realistic so that you get enough study time?"
Golden: I can't say. My study time fluctuates a LOT. The idea of scheduling it any further really stresses me out.

Here are my thoughts, which I hope aren't too confusing and should be consistent with the above. (fingers crossed)
I am saying, Sunday, Monday, and to a lesser extent, Tuesdays are my preferred sleepy-time nights. I would like to have 2 or 3 dates a week, which are different, but not necessarily separate from sleepy-time nights (aka sleepy-time and dates can overlap). My intended effect is to have one-on-one time with you at least once, but preferably twice a week. However, my schedule is unpredictable and I feel more flexibility is wise. On the other hand, I HATE the idea of not maximizing my time with you. I want to spend as many sleepy-time nights with you that you are willing to do with me.

"If you would like me to accompany you on the 14th, then my answer is yes. And yes, I'd still like to do the 13th. "
Golden: Ok, done!

"We can have a date tonight or Monday night. That would be fun and I'd like to have the time with you before you go."
Golden: Hellz yes!

"I'd rather not sleep in your bed Monday night so that I'm not awake at 5:00 am or earlier."
Golden: Oh, ok. Let's give it a try.

I love you too!​

 

[Petunia]

I'm not really sure I can sort all of his wishes/needs and fit them into our schedule consistently. I'm not sure I want to have two dates a week that are strictly one-on-one. I can see having one night out together and other nights at home with family and then going to bed together for a total of two or three. I need down time and friend time. I need Bond time. I need to figure out what I want/need and then see if I can accommodate his requests. I need to clearly define how I frame our relationship and that's not easy. I strongly feel that Bond is my primary. I wanted to walk away from hierarchy labels, but that's just how I feel, how I'm built. I feel like Golden is an anchor, but not a co-primary, so I guess that makes him a secondary. I want to mix my apples and oranges.

Bond = primary
Golden = anchor

I don't want to use the label, secondary, for Golden. There is so much negativity in the community associated with that label. I don't want him to feel less than. What I feel for him is big, but I gravitate toward Bond. I need the calm that Bond and I have together. The stability. The shared viewpoints, the understanding of similar personalities. I can only withstand Golden's intensity for so-so long before I need to retreat.

So what does this mean in practical terms?

One date night (out of the house, one-on-one time)
One family night (focus on each other, but not so obvious that his kids are aware) followed by sleeping together.
One sleepy-time date where we do our own things until bedtime and then sleep together.

I'd also like to establish some kind of framework for nights when I may possibly need a bed, so sleeping with Golden is an option, but not written in stone. Because sometimes, sleep really is the objective.

 

[Petunia]

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!”

― Hunter S. Thompson, The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman, 1955-1967​

^that sums up my weekend

I didn't party hardy, but instead opted to stay in Saturday night. Still all the same, I totally wore myself out with tasks both Saturday and Sunday. Each night my back was touchy and wont to spasm. Thankfully, those episodes were fleeting and didn't leave me ceased up in pain. A flash and gone, although it was a bit of a struggle to turn over or scoot to the side of the bed after laying there watching T.V.

Saturday morning I met a friend, Seth, for a tree light stringing event. This was our second year to participate, so we felt like old pros. We donated an hour of our time which basically this meant that we strung lights on two out of 228 trees. It was warmer out this year than last and there were more volunteers, so it was going pretty quickly.

I had shared the event on Facebook and neither of my guys responded, but I didn't let that deter me. I think knowing that Seth was going kept me from backing out. It felt great to get out and do it. I know that I'll feel good about it each time I drive past it and it's on my way to and from work, so I'll see it a lot, plus it showed me that I am capable of maintaining some autonomy which I am not always the best at. It was also nice to catch up with what's happening in Seth's life. All in all, it was a great way to start the day.

From there the day led into running errands, grocery shopping, and cooking. Golden wanted meals for the freezer that he could grab for lunches on workdays. I hadn't really planned on cooking like that this weekend, but I agreed to do it when he asked. I really don't think he has any idea how much work is involved as he's left partway through it the past three times I've done it. I portioned out the butternut squash and chicken soup into freezer containers around 9:30-10:00 pm. The only break I took was when we sat down for dinner - which I made. Oh, and also when I swept the floors and vacuumed the rugs, and swept out the garage. It was rather peaceful and homey to spend the day cooking. The youngest two kids were playing so nicely all day and the last part of the afternoon they sat on stools in the kitchen watching YouTube videos of an educational nature. I may have been more tempted to wander away from the kitchen at that time, because things had reached a lull, but I was enjoying observing the two of them and I was feeling all the feels, so I hung around them and kept puttering with things.

Sunday was geared toward the goal of having everything ready for a group dinner at 5:00 pm following Beatdown. Titania had suggested it, because her husband is still out of town for work (big 10 day work trip). All together we had six kids and six adults for dinner. M didn't come to practice, but she came for dinner and that was really nice. She's still feeling exhausted and has abdominal pain. She said she's calling the doctor today and I really hope she does. After being septic I don't think she should excuse away symptoms and pain like she is prone to do.

Dinner was great, but it was a lot of work. Before starting on that I cleaned two out of three of the bathrooms, folded Golden's laundry that had been pulled from the dryer and dumped on the table, put the sheets and towels away that had sat on the table since I had folded them several days before, and started more laundry. I did some work in the yard - pulling thistles out of the shrubs along the walk in front. The damn place is overridden with thistles! Bond came out and trimmed the shrubs and then we worked on getting a small tree out of the bird netting that is along the side of the house. The woodpeckers have learned that they can fly under the netting where the tree was holding it away from the house and they've started drilling in the siding again. I was really glad that he came out and worked on these things. He's been saying for weeks/months that he needed to do it, but he's really poor at actually tackling tasks. It's really nice to have it done before the weather turns so cold that working outside is miserable. He went back inside to watch Dr. Who with the kids (they were asking), and I finished up with tossing the brush we trimmed and the thistles and the rotting, liquefying pumpkins into the woods behind the house. Busy, busy day!

So, that was the work side of the weekend. The good stuff was all the other stuff that transpired between the peoples. To be continued...

 

[Petunia]

Saturday night after the younger kids had gone to bed and we'd taken our nightly walk with Z, Bond and I were lying in bed watching TV. He said that he really likes having me there (living with him) and that he has felt like his life was so foreign to him since Naya left him, but now with me he feels fulfilled. Fulfilled. Wow. That's such an amazing word. I thought my heart would burst.

He's been trying to puzzle out the tension he's feeling with Golden. Both men think the other is being touchy. Bond thinks it is because he and Golden haven't had much bro time and he's hearing everything through me, so he's feeling annoyed with Golden lately. I think they need to schedule some time to hang out together and I've offered up watching to the kids to make that happen. From my viewpoint I feel that Golden is ultra-sensitive about everything lately.

Bond articulated something that I think we've both been feeling, but hadn't put words to. It seems that even though my moving into the house was me moving in with Bond, that Golden has felt that I was also moving in with him and he has been trying hard to make all of the relationships equal. Once Bond said it, it totally made sense, because Golden actually told me that he had corrected Titania one time when she had said something about me moving in with Bond that he had corrected her and said that I was moving in with both of them. I remember at the time being like, "Oh, yeah, I am moving in with him, too. I hadn't thought of it that way." Trying to equalize the relationships explains why it was really important to Golden that I move things into his room, too. And why he had such issues with the "golden bathroom", etc.

Bond said that me moving into the house was outside of my relationship with Golden. That it's very convenient that my boyfriend also lives there, because we get more time together, but outside of that, he was the one who moved me into his home. That this was about him and me, not Golden and me. He said that when the discussion in the kitchen took place (last month) about the lawyers saying I shouldn't be moving in that he had told Golden, "Oh, this (and he had waved his hand between me and him) is happening." He said that he feels that Golden seems unhappy with the amount of time I'm giving him, although to his perception I have continued to give Golden what we agreed upon when things first got serious. It was nice to hear that he felt I'd remained steady and that the angst was on Golden's side. It seems like all the stress between Golden and me has started since I moved in and that nearly all of it stems from his desire to be an equal partner with Bond.

I told him about telling Golden that I felt that Bond was my primary and that I didn't want to label him as a secondary, that I really felt he was an anchor rather than a co-primary. I tried to explain how confusing it was trying to sort out which days/nights Golden wants for dates, sleepy-time, etc, and what I had offered him. The way I'm currently feeling, I'd like to scale things back to two times a week. I can't take the stress of feeling like I'm always disappointing him. I'm also starting to question Golden's reality. There have been so many times when I've felt that he is manic or something. It may just be because of his ADHD, but I'm not so certain.

Right before I went outside to yank thistles yesterday Golden dropped a bomb on me that he and Titania had unprotected sex the night before. Whoa! Bond and I had both signed off on it last month when he asked us where we stood on that happening, but Titania's husband (primary partner) had not signed off on it yet. He and Golden were still in discussion about it and although it was taking a long time, he and Titania had not yet been given the go-ahead. Golden was like, "Um, hadn't really planned on it happening, but it did." Shrug. That pissed me off. You cannot be in multiple relationships and adopt that kind of behavior. That's being a really shitty partner/metamore, IMO and I wouldn't be surprised if he's really blown it with her husband. It wouldn't be such a big deal if they barely had a relationship between them (Golden and her hubby), but they are more than acquaintances, they're friends. On a personal level, it erodes my trust in his judgement.

Despite having reservations about how things are going with Golden we had a decent night together last night. After Beanie went to bed we watched OTNB and then went to bed. We talked about my feelings regarding the unprotected sex situation, and we nearly skipped having sex ourselves, but I didn't want to not have sex seeing as he'll be gone from early Tuesday to late Thursday.

So...feeling uber-close to Bond. Feeling mixed emotions about Golden - trying to hang onto the good.

 

[Petunia]

So proud!

I am SO proud of my son. He competed in the third round for the State National Guard Soldier of the Year this weekend. Competition started on Friday and concluded Sunday. He had to shoot 11 weapons, machine guns, assault rifles, shotguns, pistols, etc, do night and day land navigation, medical training, 12 1/2 mile ruck march/run carrying 35 lbs in full gear, and go before a knowledge board.

He said that he puked all day Saturday due to the physical demands on his body. That kind of surprised me, because he's always been an athlete and he's pushed himself hard on many, many occasions. I guess if I think about it there were track meets where he'd puke after the 400 from the exertion. Saturday was his 22nd birthday.

He said he got several lucky breaks.

1.) The guy who was in charge of the fire artillery thingie (really technical mother here) was someone he knew through twins he was friends with in high school. (This guy was their roommate in college.) He said that he has been to dinner at our house years ago, but I couldn't recall - too many kids in and out of my doors over the years. Anyhow, the guy contacted him and said that he was assigned to Ft. McCoy and was in charge of this test. He arranged to show him what it was and how to do it. My son said that it's a process of giving calculations, they fire, you see how far off your coordinates were and adjust until you get zoned in on your target. He said that his first call was nearly right on top of the target and he hit it with the second and took top place. He was so grateful for that guy reaching out to him.

2.) Another guy showed him how to break down a rifle he's never seen before and gave him the ins and outs on it and that made a huge difference. The day was very windy and although he's always been a good shot, he's never scored at expert level - until Saturday. He said he has an uncanny ability to adjust to conditions and he was able to beat the Infantry guys (he's Artillery) who were expert marksmen.

3.) When he went before the Board he knew the President of the Board. He's someone my son has interacted with on various occasions, so he didn't get nervous and was like, "Next question!"

He said that there were some HUGE guys he was competing against, and that they were not only big, they were fast. He's used to being the best at all the physical tests for stamina and speed, like push-ups, etc., (he passes all the levels for the top elite training like Special Forces and Airborne) but these guys left him behind in their dust. He was like, "Mom, these guys were 20 years old - two years younger than me! And huge and totally fit from working out all the time!" He was very impressed with them.

He placed second and the first two places advance to the State level competition in April. This competition started with 3,800 in the first round, down to 29 in the 3rd round that he just completed. From now until April his Guard weekends will primarily be focused on training him for this next competition.

I talked to him as he drove home. His muscles were totally shot. He could barely move and in fact he could barely lift his foot to brake when taking an exit and that scared him. Lactic acid big time. When they got back to his unit the officers had hung around after the rest of the unit was dispersed earlier in the day to congratulate him. He said he couldn't even walk over to them and couldn't climb the three steps into the building. He simply could not lift his foot high enough. He said everyone is pretty excited.

I'm so proud of him. I was proud of him for competing and I would be proud of him regardless of how he finished this weekend, but I'm super duper proud of him for pushing himself so hard.

 

[Petunia]

Escaped to Poly Cocktails last night rather than feel uncomfortable with Golden's moodiness. Bond joined me. When we were leaving Golden said he would be making an early night of it, because he needed to be up early for his flight to Seattle, but he was still playing video games with his son when we returned at 9:30. Bond, Z, and I went for our nightly walk and when we got back half an hour later he was still up, so I went down to say good night and also to wish him a good trip. He seemed quite tired and very down. He said he was trying to not feel sorry for himself, because he was feeling bad that he hadn't gotten to spend much time with me or with Titania before his trip. Arg. He is the one who canceled our date night because he wanted time with his son before leaving. I understand being sad that you can't do all the things, but I think it's unfair to make others feel guilty over your choices.

Poly Cocktails was really enjoyable. I really find my happy place hanging out with my peeps. The group was fairly small last night, perhaps 40-50 people. In recent months there has been a big push for people to obtain verbal consent and explicit negotiations before initiating physical contact (e.g. hugging), among other things, so that everyone feels it's a safe space. Thad (former boyfriend from Jan-Aug 2013) gave me a hug and then casually brushed his hand across my back as the hug ended. I thought nothing of it. His touch actually didn't register with me. We hugged and I was turning towards the bar to order a drink when he stopped me and apologized for touching my back and asked if that was okay. I assured him it was nothing, and I hadn't even noticed, so yes, definitely okay. He then said that whenever he is around me he feels such positive energy that it pulls him in. Wow, that was sweet. By the end of the night two more people mentioned how much they love my energy. If that's my super power, then I feel blessed.

Poor Bond. He got lit, then I accidentally ditched him when I went to get my water glass refilled. B stopped me when I was about to return to his side, so there he was caught in conversation with Dragon, who is quite difficult to converse with. He kept loosing track of what they were talking about and he was suffering from time dilation, so he wasn't sure if they were talking a long time or if he was having micro moments of loosing track of the conversation. He thinks he may have agreed to going on a date, because as we were leaving he thinks she said something along the lines of "Set something up on the calendar." Ha!

I drove home.

He kept saying he couldn't find me and he wanted to kiss me, but I wasn't there. And now he thinks he's expected to go on a date.

 

[Petunia]

Date night with Bond tonight! I'm so excited. No kids! Z goes to his mom's on Wednesdays and Golden's son is on an overnight school trip tonight. Shit, we could walk around that big house naked if we wanted! I don't think I want to do that, but it's an option. LOL. We haven't decided what we're going to do, but I'm leaning towards going out to eat downtown at one many fantastic restaurants our city boasts.

Last night I made shrimp portofino for the first time and it was rather yummy. I had never used pine nuts before and I really liked them. I think overall the dish was too lemony, so next time I don't think I'd use the juice from a whole lemon like the recipe called for - maybe just a half. I'd also add a bit of Parmesan, because I think it could have used the sharpness.

Tonight someone who knows what they're doing can cook for me.

Bond asked me if I knew what B's objective was, or if she even had one. I wasn't sure what he meant at first, but after more talking he was asking me if I thought she was hoping we'd date or if she was happy with how things are now and that's all this would ever become. I think this is all she wants. Months ago when I told her she should date the two of us she had said that she was scared to do that, because she didn't want to ruin what we had. He mused what would be different, and I think it's that when you get intimately/romantically involved expectations enter the picture. I must say dating B would be all mountain tops and valleys with very little in between, in my opinion. She's so volatile. You wouldn't feel complacent or dull that's for sure. And those mountain views would be pretty spectacular.

I'm enjoying teasing him that he's going steady with Dragon. Totally cracks us up that he cannot remember what he agreed to. I've promised to not abandon him the next time he gets lit. I told him I'll tether him to me.

My son, Taylor, called me yesterday to change his visit this weekend from Sunday to Friday night to Sunday morning. Maybe he had been planning on being there Saturday, too, but I was unclear on that. Anyhow, he has an opportunity to be part of the flag ceremony at Lambeau this Sunday at the Packer's game, so he wanted to shift things around. We're celebrating his and his sister's birthdays, so I contacted her and she's happy with moving things to Saturday instead of Sunday. He's participated in the flag ceremony before with Twitch, but this will be his first time taking part as a member of the military and I'm sure it'll have much more meaning. I get choked up just thinking about it. My daughter has her son this weekend, so that's a super awesome bonus!

Pictures of other flag ceremonies:

Having Tay there Friday to Sunday disrupts date nights with Golden. I hope he'll be decent about it. I swear I won't be able to tolerate him doing the "poor me" act. I've missed Tay so much and Golden knows this. I know it'll be a ton of fun to have him there. I've wanted both guys to get to know my kids better, so this could really be a great opportunity. I've especially wanted them to get to know Taylor. I think they may have a reserve built up against liking him, simply because what they know about him comes through me and I'm a proud momma. I relay Taylor's stories, stories he can only share with me, because I'm his momma and he can feel free to brag to me about how things have gone down. I think they'll be relieved that Taylor comes off humble and very likable. Hmm, it occurs to me that I should invite Michelle and John to dinner on Saturday. They'd love to get to see Taylor. They keep hoping he'll be around some weekend so they can cook for him. Seriously. They ask me all the time when he's going to be home.

 

[Petunia]

The odd exchange

Golden was flying back from Seattle yesterday, which was a long process of several flights and connections. We were able to IM for a bit and well...things got weird.

I included the messages before it went off the rails and made the text red when it happened.

• Thursday
11/12, 10:57am
Golden
Good late morning!

11/12, 11:37am
Petunia
Good late morning! I just got out of a meeting.

• Thursday
Golden
Did you tell [son] his mom was going to pick him up at noon?

Petunia
No, I didn't know she was doing that before I dropped him off at school Wednesday morning.

Golden
Fuck... That really sucks.
When did you get [ex]'s email?

Petunia
Wednesday @ 1:06 PM

Golden
Ok, thanks for taking care of him.
How are you?

Petunia

I'm good. Writing up documentation at the moment.

Golden
Oh, fun!!!

Petunia
LOL
What time are your flights today?

Golden
I board in an hour and get to Chicago around 9pm.

Petunia
Okay Was it a good trip?

Golden
I get to [our city] around 11:15pm.
Yeah.
Was it worth it for you?

Petunia
What? Worth it for me? Explain that?

Golden
Yes, was my trip worth it to you?

Petunia
Why would YOUR trip have a value for me? What would make it qualify as being "worth it" for someone other than you? What do I have to gain?

Golden
Are you ok?

Petunia
I'm trying to understand what you mean. Please explain.

Golden
I mean what I asked, that's it. My leaving had its downsides and upsides, which leads to the question of, "was it worth it".

Isn't that what you meant when you asked me? I am asking the same question to you, not about my trip, but the effect of my absence.

Petunia
It doesn't fit to reverse the question and ask me. I did not arrange for you to go on this trip. I did not pay a "cost" and expect a "gain."

I asked you if it was a good trip. I did not ask you if it was worth it, although, that would have been appropriate.

Golden
Ok.

Petunia
Are you feeling sad or sorry for yourself?

Golden
I did not think of my trip in terms of cost and gain btw.
No and no.

Petunia
Asking me if it was worth it, implies an action on my part.
Okay, I was worried you were looking at life all doom and gloom.

Golden
I was not implying an "action" on your part.

Petunia
Okay, it was just a very odd question then.

Golden
Thanks for telling me you were worried that I might be looking for "life is all doom and gloom."

Petunia
So, tell me one positive about your trip. smile emoticon
It sounded to me like you thought I was happy you have been gone.

Golden
Solitude was very nice.
I did not think, feel, assume or expert you to be happy I was gone.

Petunia
That can be nice.
Good, because I found it alarming that you may have thought I would feel that way.

Golden
Ok.
While I didn't think of that, why is the idea alarming to you?

Petunia
Because 1.) I never felt that way, and 2.) it smacked of "poor me" and depression.

Golden
Ok, thanks for sharing.

Petunia
Was it fun to see Seattle?

Golden
Yes. My friend Jim was very gracious with his time and money. He drive me around and showed me parts of town he visits.

Petunia
Sounds fun.

Golden
I really don't feel like talking anymore. I will be glad to be home and see you and everyone else.
I hope you have an excellent day.
•
11/12, 3:49pm
Petunia
I'll be glad to have you home. heart emoticon
•
11/12, 4:51pm
Golden
From your perspective do I normally look for doom and gloom?

Petunia
Hi. You seem to be in a negative cycle recently, but that could be my perception based upon the two of us having conflicts. You told me once that you sometimes like feeling melancholy and listening to sad songs, so maybe that also factors into my perception.

Golden
So I hear that lately you have perceived me as in a negative mood and when I asked you an odd question you assumed I had be also negative intentions? Does that sound accurate?

Petunia
The question was not just "odd". The word choice struck me as coming from a negative place.

Golden
So it was odd and you thought the word supported your assumption of my negative intent?

Word choice, I meant. Not just "word".

Petunia
It didn't "support" my assumption of your negative intent, it created it.

Asking that question of me, "was it worth it", would mean it (your absence) needed to generate a positive value for me, implying I gained more from your absence than if you had been present. Therefore from my point of view, the question you presented is negative in nature.

*************************************
I'm not sure what the meaning of "worth" is to him, because it seems his definition varies from the dictionary.

It also makes me realize why I feel so confused and turned around in discussions with him.

We got to see each other for a little bit this morning in the kitchen. He seemed good. I hope that this evening goes well - and the rest of the weekend, too. Taylor will be there sometime tonight - he's eating dinner with his friends at his college town before heading to our city. I expect it'll be 9 pm before we see him. I had planned on getting tickets to a concert for tonight for Golden and me, but I don't want to spend $75 on tickets + drinks. It's just too expensive. If we go out it'll have to be something less costly and will have to include Tay.

Bond said that M sent a text last night saying she'd be at the house around 7 pm tonight and may spend the night. Woot! I'm so happy for him. She hasn't spent the night since August. I told Golden that I wouldn't plan anything for dinner tonight as he will have the day at home, so he could do the cooking. He was good with that. I'm hoping this will leave me time to change the sheets, clean the master bathroom, and grab the toiletries and clothes I'll need before she gets there.

Lying in bed last night, Bond and I discussed our to-do list. Top of the list is building and installing a sliding (barn-style) door, and buying a sofa sleeper so that we can have a guest room. He's excited about building the door. That surprised me. He says he likes that kind of work. That's cool. It surprises me, because I had gotten the impression that he's really hard to get to tackle projects. I think he works so many hours during the week that on the weekends he wants to do nothing. Plus, he tends to let the kids dictate his life and because he has them every weekend it means that little gets accomplished.

I got a little crazy paying bills yesterday (trying to knock credit card balances down.) This morning when I woke there was a text alert from my bank saying my balance had fallen below $100. Um, yeah, down to $13.24 to be exact, and by the time I got out of the shower I had another saying it was down to $4.81. Ugh. I hate when I do that! Monday Twitch's ACH deposit will show up in our joint account, but that's too many days away to take a chance leaving the balance so low so I needed to transfer from savings to checking (again.)

Irony: I need to buy birthday gifts and groceries for the special birthday dinner, so now I'll need to put those purchases on the credit card. I'll just tell myself it's the cha-cha, two steps forward, one step back. Still progress, right?

 

[Reverie]

Irony: I need to buy birthday gifts and groceries for the special birthday dinner, so now I'll need to put those purchases on the credit card. I'll just tell myself it's the cha-cha, two steps forward, one step back. Still progress, right?

If it makes you feel any better, that's actually kind of my ongoing debt strategy: to use all but a pittance (saved for emergencies) of my checking account on credit card payments and then use the cards as I need things. It ensures that the max I can muster gets paid off each month.

 

[Petunia]

If it makes you feel any better, that's actually kind of my ongoing debt strategy: to use all but a pittance (saved for emergencies) of my checking account on credit card payments and then use the cards as I need things. It ensures that the max I can muster gets paid off each month.

My worry is that because I am carrying balances that I'll increase my debt instead of diminish it. The grocery and gift expense didn't turn out to be astronomical, mostly because my son suggested we shop at Plato's Closet (second hand clothing store.) I was able to get him 3 pairs of jeans and 3 shirts for $78. While he was in the dressing room trying things on I sent a text to my daughter asking her if she'd like to do the same because she could probably get a complete outfit rather than just one thing and she said that she'd love to. We weren't able to fit a shopping trip in this weekend, but I'm hopeful we can sometime in the next week or so.

Titania: Friday night Golden and I decided to rent a movie from Red Box. On our way to pick up the movie I asked him how Titania's husband was dealing with the news that they had unprotected sex. Her husband had returned on Monday from a 10 day business trip. He said that the last they had spoken she hadn't told him yet, because he'd been in a bad mood all week, so she was waiting for the right moment. Well...turns out she didn't tell him before she and he had sex and he and his other partner had sex. OMFG! That is so wrong. I thought it was bad enough when she and Golden had sex without barriers without his consent, but to then have sex with him without saying a word and to not say anything before he had a date with his partner is so unethical. That's removing his right to decide for himself how he wants to proceed. I no longer feel comfortable having her in my chain of fluid bonded partners and neither does Bond. I spoke to Golden about it and he had also reached that decision, although he did ask me if I thought that at some point my trust in her judgement may be restored and I'd be comfortable again with them being fluid bonded. I really don't know. I told him that it would take time and history of her being trustworthy before that would be a remote possibility and I quantified it at most likely around a year's passage of time. I made sure he understood I wasn't even sure if it was possible. He's sad, but he respects that and understands it. He is also feeling the loss of having my trust in him diminished, because of his part in all of this.

M canceled on Bond Friday night, because her daughter was feeling sad over her sister's suicide and some backlash she's getting from it. She's only 9 years old. Her friend's stepmother decided she didn't want her stepdaughter to hang out with her, because "her sister killed herself so therefore she's got problems." That's so horrible.

Saturday she evaded his inquiry about helping her in the afternoon with yard work. Her replies were delayed and then didn't answer his question at all, but instead said, "Hey, sorry for the delay. I got caught up in a political debate." I had offered to watch the kids so he wouldn't have to bring them along - she had been telling him that she'd love the help, but that the kids would get bored. I hate it when she lets him down like this. It's a crappy way to treat someone.

Golden and I nearly got into a fight again over my going up to Bond's room that night I was too cold to fall asleep. I swear it seems like he is unwilling to adjust his emotions even when presented with explanations. That bothers me. I know everyone is allowed to feel what they feel, that's not the issue. What bothers me is that with time and more understanding of motivations and other factors that his emotions don't seem to bend or adjust. Maybe my thinking is too logical. Once I hear someone's side to something it alters my emotions; I find an understanding and everything shifts. I thought that was a typical response and how people reach a resolution. Maybe it's not always the case.

I haven't opened up discussion with Golden about the difference between me moving in with Bond vs me moving in with the two of the, how it's different and the fact that the two relationships are not equal or balanced by design. I think that it's going to be a hard message for him to receive, but that it's necessary in order for his struggle to equalize everything to end. I hope that in the end we'll have a more harmonious relationship as a result of laying it out there. I hope that it doesn't blow up in my face.

So, that was the ick of the weekend and the rest of it was really, really nice.

My son arrived around 10 PM Friday night. His friends took him out for dinner for his birthday, so he got a late start. Bond's youngest was anxious to meet him, but he had to go to bed before he arrived. The next day he showed all the signs of idolizing Taylor which was pretty cute to see grow. I think playing air hockey with him really put him over the top.

Saturday evening my daughter, he BF, and my grandson, and my friend and former roommate, Michelle, came for dinner. I made two kinds of wings and the sriracha ones were so fantastic. The other kind was kind of meh. I also made Spicy Thai Coconut Chicken soup and that is so damn good. I swear those two items are at least as good as you'd get at a nice restaurant.

Baked Honey Sriracha Wings

Spicy Thai Coconut Chicken Soup

Once again, having my dining room table in the breakfast nook came in handy. We sat the kids there for dinner and later when they were watching a movie we closed the doors between the kitchen/nook and the living room/dining room my kids and Michelle and I sat at the table and visited. It's nice having a separate space that you can close off. I'm really liking those pocket doors.

Taylor told us all about his weekend competition - which he is still sore from. He's a fantastic storyteller and we were laughing and groaning in phantom pain at his retelling of events.

He really had us laughing about his plan to grab one of the Green Bay Packers and kiss him if he did a Lambeau Leap while he was sitting in the end zone. Ah, yeah as if that would happen. We were picturing him being tackled by security and taken away in handcuffs.

The evening was a lot of fun. Everyone left around 8 PM, including Taylor. He had to meet up with the other military people that were going to the game at 8:30 AM so he needed to go home instead of staying over another night.

My grandson stayed overnight. He's the same age as Bond's youngest and Golden's youngest, although she wasn't there this time. He likes staying and I like having him there, but he's such a tender kid and he ends up feeling like an outsider by Bond's kids. They are so self-centered and spoiled and haven't been taught how to be good hosts, so his emotions take a beating every time. He is also a bit too easily bruised. I hope that we can work towards a happy medium over time.

I woke up with a stiff neck Saturday morning and some of the muscles are still pulling some. Both guys gave me shoulder and neck rubs throughout the weekend which was super sweet, although they use a bit too much pressure and I end up with other muscle spasms as a result. It helps, but it's not as helpful as it could be. I'm such a pansy.

Shortly after Taylor left Saturday night he sent me this text:

I love you and the family you are apart of. You being happy is the best thing even for me. And it's too easy to like everyone there. Great kids and fantastic men.

You're a hell of a mom and they get to experience that too
​

Oh, wow.

Me: I love you! Thank you so much for everything you said. It means a lot to me. I'm really glad you came and stayed overnight. I was worried that you kids wouldn't visit. You're such an important part of my life and I didn't want you to be alienated from my life. Love you!
​

Taylor: That actually never crossed my mind. Really.

I just hope it keeps going.
​

Tonight I have a hair appointment. I am thinking of switching from blue to purple for the peek-a-boo color streak in my bangs.

Oh! Golden bleached his and his son's hair (he's a blondie whose hair has darkened to dark blonde as he's gotten older). They were both planning on coloring their hair, but his son decided he liked the bleached blonde color and didn't color his. Golden dyed his hair red. His bleaching job wasn't uniform, so the red didn't take well in certain areas. I'm undecided with how I like it. He seems to like it a lot, so that's what matters.

DNR_Grl is coming to dinner tonight, but I may miss her visit, because of my hair appointment. That's disappointing to both of us. It's been months since we've gotten to hang out. We really had a good time the last time and would like to do it again. Yesterday Golden helped her split the last of her firewood and prep things for winter.

 

[Petunia]

IM from Golden today:

An idea for later discussion, I'd like to establish more sexiness into our relationship and would like to hear your thoughts on the subject. ​

I'm finding this to be a total libido killer.

In the past month or so I've heard too many comments about me getting back to a workout routine and how I should be exercising so that I feel better. And other messages from Golden that in my mind are saying, "Hey, you need to get back in shape." Now this. I feel 100% unattractive.

 

[Petunia]

Got that one straightened out.

Me: I don't know what to say. You've made a lot of comments about me getting back to working out and in my head those comments translate into body shaming messages. You may or may not mean it that way, but it's how I hear it. Getting this message from you today heaps more on top of that which totally shuts down my libido. How about we just pull things back to friends until I'm acceptable?​

Golden: What? I am so sorry!
I had no idea that body shaming going on.
You are sexy to me!​

Me: I wish my brain didn't do that translation when I hear that stuff, but it does. I am open to adding some creativity into the bedroom. I'm just pretty bad at trying to be sexy.​

Golden: That is all I was suggesting. To be creative and intentional. My thoughts had nothing to do with our bodies, but our minds and creativity.​

That sounds like fun.

I don't know what else to say. I am speechless... I'll happily listen.
Do you still want to end our relationship?

No.
I am feeling rather beaten down about us, though.

What is going on??

We've had so many fights and misunderstandings. It's been hard.

Ok.
What does that mean?

It's been very stressful.
I feel like I'm disappointing you left and right.

I make mistakes, everyone does. You are not a disappointment! Why do you say that?? I am in shock...

Just the feeling I have.

How long? Is this coming out just now?

For quite a while. I believe I've mentioned it before. I haven't said we should go back to friends before.

Just so you know, I'll fight for us! You will have to beat me away with a 10 foot pole!!

smile emoticon

I sounds like we are overdue for a talk, but how do you feel? I really am at a lost.

Not tonight. The timing won't work. It's not like the house in on fire either.

Maybe not burning down, but feels pretty hot.

You are hot.

Lol! Hey, that is my line!!
​

 

[Petunia]

As I was getting in my car to leave for work this morning I got an IM from Golden. I didn't take the time to read it then, because I had to get to work.

I have just sent you one of the most important email I have ever written.

I am on my way home now to eat breakfast. If you are still home and want to talk I would love talk. This is not a need or request, so only stay and talk if you want to. I am more than just fine, I am fantastic.

So don't stay for me.

I love you!

I turned on the radio this was the first song I heard.... The song I associate with you!

http://youtu.be/KEI4qSrkPAs​

Me:

Good morning, love. I had to listen to the song first...now off to read the email. xoxox​

The email:

Petunia,

I have failed you. We have fought a lot lately and I think I know why, and it is my fault.

First of all let me be very, very clear... You are NOT a disappointment to me. Not in any shape or form have I, for even a nanosecond, thought this.

For me knowing these thoughts and feelings about you to be true has forced me to look inward, and find how I could influence a woman I love to feel like you do... This lead me to see one of my greatest failings... Something which now that I know, makes me feel ashamed and so very sorry to you and everyone else I have hurt in this way; I now have an explanation of why I hurt the people I love soo much... Petunia, thank you! Thank you for being the mirror that shows me what I do to the people I love.

One of my greatest flaws is that I am very, very critical.

Ever since my mother's death my single goal in life is to make my life the best it could possibly be. Without knowing it, I have used this single goal to give meaning to my mother's death.

This single goal has provided me with the unfathomable strength and resilience to do the things I have done. To do the things that I should *not* be capable of doing. My mother's death is the reason why I will not stop trying to make the world a better place until my dying breath.

I am not trying to be perfect. Instead I am still the fifteen year old boy grieving his mother's death. I am still trying to make all the pain that I still, still twenty four years later, worth it.

While trying to provide meaning to my mother's death has granted me an amazing capacity to be fearless in my pursuit of self improvement, there is a great cost though, which I think you are now experiencing.

I am soo critical that I am blind to the pressure I exuded on those around me.

I am absolutely relentless at improving myself that without knowing it, I force those around me to see their areas of potential improvement.

I do not seek gloom and doom, but rather I hone in on where pain exists and unknowing shed light on it.

My intention, my underlying assumption is that a person's source of pain and sadness can be their greatest source of strength... This is how I live my life.

I am guilty for leading those close to me to feel they are 'not enough' or in your case 'feel like a disappointment.'

I don't know how much of this is true, but this is the best I can do to explain how a woman I love soo deeply could feel like a disappointment.

To me this revelation explains the grievous pain I have caused you, Rachel, Leah and others. This also explains what drives me in life and why I still continue to grieve my mother's death.

I acknowledge what I have written may make no sense or seem so clique it is laughable. That is fine, what matters to me, in this moment, is that this rational makes sense to me. Whether my rational is true or not does not matter.

This rational is great gift.

What matters is that I now see how I continue to seek being the best person I can be, but now do so without unknowingly hurting those I love.

Thank you for giving me one of greatest gifts I have ever received in my life.

Love, ​

Hmm, I think I feel that dissatisfaction in some areas, but it's only part of what is happening, IMO.

My reply:

Hi, Love.

I'm glad that I'm not a disappointment to you, but I often feel you are disappointed. Maybe not in me, but in what you are getting from the relationship. It feels to me that you are striving to equalize our relationship to the one I have with Bond. That for you in order to feel valued and important you need things to be 50/50.

I think that at some point my moving in with Bond, became me moving in with you, too. In one context that is true, but in another it's not. Bond is the one who asked me to move in with him. It was his invitation that I accepted. It is incredibly convenient and wonderful that you happen to live with him, but that's incidental. My moving into the house would have happened even if you and I weren't dating or if you were living elsewhere.

Looking back, most of our contention makes sense when viewed in this light; the issue with the closets, the golden bathroom, having things of mine in your room.

It's creating a lot of guilt/pressure on my side. I don't think I can ever provide all that you want from a relationship with me. I am feeling like three days/week is too much. I'd like to scale it back to two days/week for a while to see how that feels with the option to reevaluate things down the road and possibly moving it back to three days/week if that's the way it's growing.

I love you. I want you to know that and feel that. I think I'm doing a poor job of making you feel that, because I'm pulling away from the stress I'm feeling. I think if we can lessen the tension/pressure by adjusting our expectations the emotional intimacy will bloom again.

The exercise thing is in a different realm from the other and yes, this could fall under your "quest to be the best you that you can be" displeasure.

I believe the comments you made about me working out were said with the best of intentions because you are concerned about my body pain. I can see that, and I felt that, but I have harbored a belief that part of the motivation was that I am getting very out of shape and thus less sexually appealing. I accept that is all on me and that you in no way were actually implying those things. That's a fault of mine, not yours. I'm overly sensitive.

I think I should explain some of what's going on in my head and emotionally for me around this. I expend a lot of mental energy around my fitness/health/weight on a daily basis. It's with me ALL the time. I wish I could understand why I can't act on it until something clicks into place, but that's just how it is. Right now I feel like I need to be patient with myself. I've had a lot of changes in the last few months. I feel like I'm still finding my sea legs, but pretty soon I'll find a balance and feel like I'm in control of my life again instead of barely treading water. When I feel you nudge me along I understand that you are trying to be gentle while at the same time I'm feeling like I'm going to drown if I try to add one more thing to my life. The crazy thing is I know that once I finally get myself going it's going to make life easier and better, it's just getting there that is the hard part. I know this, and I still can't manage to make the shift just yet. I'm trying to be patient with myself, but not so patient that I don't ever push myself to get going again.

I feel pressure from you to get things "fixed/set/established" sooner than later, but I am trying to take the opposite approach and give myself time to acclimate. I believe that everything finds its level if you give it enough time and space to do so. Sometimes I just want to ask you to slow your roll and relax into what we have.

You are so wonderful and I love you so much. I love that you challenge me. Be patient, I'll get there.

Love,

Petunia​

I'm nervous about how he'll react to what I wrote. I expect he'll take it hard that I want to scale our time back to two times per week. This sucks.

 

[Petunia]

This is a combined email between Golden and me. The order of the exchange was Golden's (blue) first and then mine (pink.)
****************************************
Hey, Golden. I'm going to reply in pink.

This is a truly an amazing email...I'll limited my response to the bellow remarks in gold (I changed it to blue so it would show up in this board).

"I'm glad that I'm not a disappointment to you, but I often feel you are disappointed. Maybe not in me, but in what you are getting from the relationship"
I think you are exactly right and have stated the situation better than I ever could have. I however disagree with what I understand as your rationalization for my disappointment.

In short, I think I am disappointed with what I feel is loss of the relationship I want with you. Furthermore, I am afraid that this loss has already happened and is irresolvable in it's current state... I hope I am wrong.

With that said, the decision I face, which I am now consciously aware of, is what to do now?! What I suggest is that you and I have dinner tonight. I am not going to class, which I decided not to go for other reasons. I'll take care of dinner for Beanie and Z and meet you downtown, how about the Great Dane? I'd like to sit down and have a real heart to heart with you... unlike our normal conversations. lol! Sounds like a good plan. I have to warn you that my neck is seizing up and I'm having a hard time sitting at my computer right now.

In this heart-to-heart hangout I'd like to go over this and other recent conversations we've had.

Sorry, I can't do this without being verbose. This is the only way I know how to express my thoughts and feelings in a (i.e. my) authentic way.

"That for you in order to feel valued and important you need things to be 50/50. " & "Looking back, most of our contention makes sense when viewed in this light; the issue with the closets, the golden bathroom, having things of mine in your room."
I can see from this perspective why I hear you saying that I need things to be 50/50. While I do struggle with jealousy from time to time, I can confidently say that this is not true, at least not from my perspective. With that said, I can see how my actions and words do present themselves as you have described.

I am not seeking a 50/50 split. As discussed in the book, "More than Two", a 50/50 split would not be fair to you or Bond. Instead I think what you and Bond are sensing from me derives from the following.

What I want is a primary-ish relationship. Before you moved in, I felt we had this. While I recall you describing Bond as your primary and me as your anchor, I still felt as though I was some kind of primary, or at least a significant person in your life; for me, what I felt from our relationship was the equivalent of a an primary relationship in an emotional sense, which is exactly what I am seeking. Note, I distinctly recall that when you compared your relationships with Bond and I, Bond was your primary and I was your anchor. While you didn't consider me a primary, and I felt the distinction, that didn't matter; whatever I felt, as a result of our relationship, was glorious.

Note for me, one aspect that existed, but not directly relevant was that I heard that you didn't consider Bond an anchor... this kind of comparison was crucial for me at the time. Personally, I think all of this changed once you moved in and our relationship started to cause each of us stress.

changed once you moved in .... I think some of the stress started prior to me actually moving in. I think it started when some of my things arrived and we started trying to sort where things would go.

our relationship started to cause each of us stress...I agree that the stress is changing our relationship. But that doesn't mean it won't shift again and we'll improve what we have and even improve on how things were before.

Please know, I do NOT blame you or Bond! The following are my current thoughts and feelings, which I do not intend to suggest is the "truth". Instead I am sharing my perception, not to overwrite your perceived reality, but instead, I hope, for you to take what I share and compliment it, as a constructive comparison, to your understanding. Only you can decide if what I perceive is useful or not.

<using I statements>
I believe my change in behavior is due to my perceived loss of a primary-ish relationship with you. I think what you perceive as my need for a 50/50 split is actually my attempt reclaim what I needed from you, which was a primary-ish relationship. I suspect that you have sensed my behavior and intentions and rather than communicate your thoughts and feelings directly with me, (which may have been impossible at the time),(I was unable to identify it until very recently.) you instead relied on Bond (and possible others?) instead. Again, I am NOT blaming you or Bond. Instead what I hope is clear is that from my perspective, in essence, but not literately, I suspect that the time and energy you once directed towards me (perhaps created from dealing with M), was redirected towards Bond? Perhaps.

I suspect that Bond and I are experiencing a little honeymoon period.

I feel that the major shift in my energy has been towards the household. I hope you understand that much of this is temporary and once life normalizes for me that it won't be such an energy vampire.

My thoughts are that over time, this shift in energy, which was redirected, because you (understandably) didn't seek me out to hash out the stress from our relationship, resulted in you developing a anchor-ship with Bond. So Bond is now your primary and an anchor... which I think is a very beautiful thing. Whether I am right or not, if you now consider Bond both a primary and an anchor, which I didn't previously before, this change (whether real or not) is wonderful!!!

Reversely, I believe the opposite happened with me/us. While still an anchor in name, in actuality our relationship become something else, which to me feels less. My feelings were cemented with the following quotes, (which are from a different email)

"For me a primary gets the majority of my time and focus. I also wish for my primary relationship to have the same elements I listed above for an anchor.

I think I may associate the role of primary as being more of a provider than I would of an anchor."

^ That was an attempt to express that my feelings for an anchor are robust and that I desire both relationship types to be fulfilling and connected. But they aren't identical, so I was trying to find ways where they vary.

To me this signifies a huge shift in meaning that I felt happened after you moved in. Before you moved in, when I heard you compare your relationships with Bond and I, the difference was non-competitive (non-competitive is best word I can come up with). Now that you are living with Bond in his home, I feel the the meaning of your relationships has changed; instead of our relationship providing something unique and entirely special, our relationship is a lessor form of what you have with Bond. I could go further, but I hope you see what the shift in meaning, means for me. Again, I am not proposing what I see and feel is a truth for you, but instead what I am sharing is a truth for me.

I believe that what you have sensed as disappointment from me is exactly that; more precisely, you sensed my fear that what I wanted from us (from our romantic relationship) is something that you can't not give, which is a pirmary-ish relationship. To be clear, I am NOT disappointed in you!!! You are are wonderful person whom has and continues to be a positive force in my life. What I think I am disappointed in is that our relationship changed and no longer meets my needs. My best description is that it feels to me that your time and energy has shifted towards Bond, now that you live here. While I doubt there is obvious evidence of our time together having significantly changed, I still sense a significant shift in your intentions. Again, I am not blaming anyone!

In the end, I think am having a really hard time accepting what I perceived as shift in your priorities, away from us and more towards you and Bond.


After reading through this and pondering things, I think the loss of intimacy/connectedness you are identifying can be attributed to me pulling back because I was uncomfortable with our misunderstandings and differences in communication. I was deeply affected by the fight about [ex-wife] and her boyfriend. I am troubled by how hyper-focused you became over your perceived threat to your children. You were defensive and were unwilling to discuss other points of view. I don't know if I can handle repeats of that behavior and I fully expect that it's not an isolated event.


"It's creating a lot of guilt/pressure on my side. I don't think I can ever provide all that you want from a relationship with me. I am feeling like three days/week is too much. I'd like to scale it back to two days/week for a while to see how that feels with the option to reevaluate things down the road and possibly moving it back to three days/week if that's the way it's growing. "
I think this is a great idea. Let's scale back and figure out exact numbers (and etc) later tonight over dinner.

To be continued...

 

[Petunia]

Continued...


"I love you. I want you to know that and feel that. I think I'm doing a poor job of making you feel that, because I'm pulling away from the stress I'm feeling. I think if we can lessen the tension/pressure by adjusting our expectations the emotional intimacy will bloom again."
This sounds unbelievably wonderful! I too have been incredibly stressed from our relationship, something I am only now realizing now.

"I have harbored a belief that part of the motivation was that I am getting very out of shape and thus less sexually appealing"
I am sorry!!! Know, that you are attractive me. What I have failed to share with you clearly is that my attraction to you is not the traditional concept of sexy, but more about the person I have come to see and love.

"I accept that is all on me and that you in no way were actually implying those things. That's a fault of mine, not yours. I'm overly sensitive."
Thank you. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking ownership of your feelings!!! For my part, I failed to understand how sensitive you are, which I am ashamed to admit in hindsight. I accept and love you for whom you are and I will do my best to better honor your feelings on this matter.Please be compassionate with me as I learn how to approach this topic.

"When I feel you nudge me along I understand that you are trying to be gentle while at the same time I'm feeling like I'm going to drown if I try to add one more thing to my life."
This is INCREDIBLY crucial for me to hear! Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I had no idea you were in this state and that my actions are causing you to feel this way!

"The crazy thing is I know that once I finally get myself going it's going to make life easier and better, it's just getting there that is the hard part. I know this, and I still can't manage to make the shift just yet. I'm trying to be patient with myself, but not so patient that I don't ever push myself to get going again. "
I completely believe in you!! With all my heart I think you are right and I know you will get there.

"I feel pressure from you to get things "fixed/set/established" sooner than later, but I am trying to take the opposite approach and give myself time to acclimate. I believe that everything finds its level if you give it enough time and space to do so. Sometimes I just want to ask you to slow your roll and relax into what we have."
Once again, I think you are exactly right. We move at different paces and you should move at your pace. I will support you on your journey and at your pace, as best as I can, and with all of my heart!

"You are so wonderful and I love you so much. I love that you challenge me. Be patient, I'll get there. "
I am so grateful to have you in my life... I am luckier than I have any right to be.

I love you!

^ Thank you! I love you, too!

 

[Petunia]

My neck is totally f'd up. I skipped work yesterday (Wednesday) and went to a chiropractor. Since switching health insurance carriers last year I haven't had a chiro that I liked. I went twice last winter and I really didn't care for the one I selected from the list my insurance covers. So, I went back to the list and selected one that is close to where I'm living now and she was fantastic. What a relief! I think I'll shop for a new MD also, because the one I went to in April was as warm as an iceberg. This morning I had a massage at 8 AM. I hadn't thought it through on the effect a massage would have on my hair, so I'm now at work looking like a grease monkey. It's quite...lovely. LOL.

Golden and I met for dinner downtown Tuesday night. He skipped classes all day, because he was riding high on an ADHD rush and was being creative with a storyline that he thinks has the potential to be big - if he can ever fully develop it, and also with responding to my emails.

Most of our discussion focused on this:

"I am troubled by how hyper-focused you became over your perceived threat to your children. You were defensive and were unwilling to discuss other points of view. I don't know if I can handle repeats of that behavior and I fully expect that it's not an isolated event."​

We discussed his episodes of "hyper-focus" which he has broken down into four kinds. I should ask him to write them out for me, because it's all very confusing and it reminds me of splitting hairs. The condensed version is that he sees some as beneficial and others as destructive depending on the "task" and intensity of his focus. As a spectator of these episodes it looks like mania, although I know it doesn't qualify, and it reminds me of mental illness. It's alarming.

We came up with some ways for me to respond when he's entering a hyper-focus episode and ways to try to flag him down instead of providing rocket fuel to the situation. He sees two therapists today, one that we both know (Blevins) and have both seen in a professional capacity (I have gone to him once with Twitch and Golden and his wife went to him for marriage counseling) in addition to knowing him in a nonprofessional setting, and his regular therapist, Amy. He's excited to be seeing both of them in one day, even though he knows it may be exhausting.

I have been tossing around the idea that maybe he and I should see Blevins together for a session or two. This thought is quickly chased by something my therapist told me back when I was seeing her, that if your relationship is newish (under a year) and you are already seeking couple's therapy, that maybe it is a sign that you should end the relationship.

After dinner Tuesday night we came home so he could put Beanie to bed and then we went for a walk in the rain. I can't believe how much water accumulates from a steady rain. Our shoes and jackets got thoroughly soaked. We walked to a little strip mall and walked back and forth under their awning so we could continue to move, but stay out of the downfall.

I think we resolved a lot of things, but there are some things that are still contentious. We are having lunch together tomorrow to continue our talk and hopefully we'll leave with a sense of peace between us.

Tonight Bond and I are going over to B's. She's picking up her two new kittens today at 5:30 pm. They'll be fresh from being spayed, so I'm not sure how much cuddling we'll be able to do with them. I hope some. I'd really like to cuddle a kitty. By next week they'll be shredding the house! Little bastards!

Poor M. She posted this on her fitness page on Facebook a couple of days ago:

It's been six weeks since I've been able to work out due to a kidney infection, sepsis, and a hospital stay. Today at my doctor's office I was handed this brochure. I'm in stage III (of five) and stable, but this is certainly making me rethink my daily habits of caring for my body. It will be a different journey than I anticipated, getting healthier again, but I've got tools and support and determination.​

Last night Bond said that he had gotten a chance to talk to her and she said that tests revealed that she's been in kidney failure for 3-4 years. I wonder if the medications she's on for depression and other health issues brought this about or contributed to it. My heart goes out to her.

Friday night I'm having a Girls' Night with Franki and Connie, and possibly Ms J. We're doing one of those wine/painting things (dreading it) and then back to Connie's for more imbibing. Franki and I have decided we'll take Connie up on her offer to stay over. It's supposed to snow, so that is why Franki doesn't want to drive home, and for me it'll solve the issue of where oh where to sleep as both Bond (w/M) and Golden (w/Titania) have dates. Saturday night Golden and I are going to a comedy show, and I think Bond and I may have a date Sunday night. Wilson, Bond's friend, will be at the house for the weekend. Also, Bond invited B and her hubby and little girl over Saturday evening. As of this morning, he hasn't heard back if they accepted his invitation. As always, it'll be a busy weekend. I question when we'll ever find time to shop for a sofa sleeper or build the sliding barn door.

 

[Petunia]

I asked Golden how he was doing after his double therapy sessions today:

Tired, but great! Especially about our relationship! I wish we could talk tonight, but I will just have to wait.​

That sounds so promising and hopeful. I can't wait to get to talk to him tomorrow. It lifts my spirits to hear even that little bit.

 

[Petunia]

Date night with Bond at B's with Rob there. Fun times. But wow, messed up thanks to B shotgunning me. She and Rob went to Colorado the weekend before and the stuff she brought back is so strong. Typically I barely catch a buzz, but this really hit me. Bond is easily affected, so you can probably imagine how hard it hit him. I only had one drink and then switched to water and avoided B's lips after that.

Sex with Bond after B's gotten him high is fun. It loosens him up and he gets more adventuresome. While in the act I said that we should always have sex high. He remembered that this morning and brought it up again. I said something to the effect that it's fun when were high, or I enjoy it when we're high, and he replied, "I want you to always enjoy sex with me." Oh! I didn't mean it like that. I quickly assured him that I always enjoy sex with him, but that it was even more fun when high. Man, talk about not thinking through the message I was delivering and how it could be taken another way.

The kittens were cute. They're so small yet and they were more into each other than into people. They were also kind of quiet because of the surgeries they had earlier in the day. B is posting videos on Facebook of them playing this morning. Already they seem more playful, like they are acclimating to the new space.

Lunch today with Golden and I'm actually looking forward to seeing him and talking. It's been a long time since I've felt that energy towards him and it's quite nice and welcomed.

 

[Petunia]

Let's see...Friday lunch with Golden was so disappointing. I was excited to see him and it was so nice to feel that, because it's been quite a while since I've felt that way. It wasn't long before the atmosphere plunged and we were right back to feeling shitty. We almost broke up, but didn't. I think we need to quit examining everything so closely and just take some time to just be. We need to have some positive experiences or all of these negative experiences are going to swamp us.

The forecast predicted a significant snowfall for Friday night/Saturday morning, so my Girl's Night with Franki, Connie, and Ms J was postponed - much to my relief. I really didn't want to paint. Gak, the stress!

Friday afternoon I had a chiropractor appointment near the house, so I didn't return to work afterwards. It was nice to have the house to myself for a good 30-40 minutes before the kids and the guys arrived. I cooked Spicy Thai Noodles for dinner and then retreated to do my own thing while the family ate. I just wasn't hungry and M had arrived by then. I wasn't feeling charitable, or much of anything else other than worn down so I kept mostly to myself. They went out to a movie and I did the kid thing. Shortly after 8 PM Z asked if I'd go for a walk with him. Golden and Bond's middle son (I should give him a name on here) joined us. It was a nice walk, despite the snow fall. The two boys hung back and had a really nice brother connection going. It's not a frequent happening, so it warmed me to hear and see them relating so well. I think it was also good for Golden and me. When we got back to the house the two boys stayed out and played in the snow for a good 30 minutes, and when they came in the younger two suddenly caught onto the fact that there was now enough snow to play in, so they were clamoring to go out even though it was their bedtime. I think they spent more time getting their gear on than they did outside.

Because M was spending the night, I slept in Golden's room. It was really nice and I think it helped, too.

Saturday morning was leisurely. I slept in and didn't give a wit about rushing to get out of Golden's room lest his daughter catch onto the fact that I was in his room. The kids were all upstairs by then and it's easy to slip upstairs without them spotting exactly where you came from because the free-standing fireplace blocks the view.

The guys cooked breakfast, and then went out to clear snow. I was standing at the sink cleaning up the breakfast mess when I looked out the window and saw my car, totally encapsulated in a snow blanket, back out of the driveway onto the road, pull ahead and then back up and park along the curb. Rear-view camera for the win! Silly, Bond! He didn't turn the wipers on to clear the snow off until he had it parked. It was such a funny sight to watch the whole scene.

I agreed to go clothing and grocery shopping with Golden and Beanie. She needed outerwear and he needed snow pants and more clothes. Wilson arrived as we were getting in the car, so there were hugs all around and off we went. First we swung by his ex's house to pick up the outerwear that she had set out on the steps so we'd know what Beanie had and what she needed. We found her the cutest jacket at Kohl's which thrilled her to pieces. We found snow boots at Shopko and thankfully the only style they had left in her size matched her jacket. She also found gloves there that matched well. She inherited her brother's black snow pants from last year and at first she insisted that she was NOT going to wear them, but she dropped that attitude when we found the jacket, thankfully. They are super nice snow pants, so I'm glad she got past her attitude. We found snow pants and traction cleats for Golden at Dick's Sporting Goods, and then we went to Plato's Closet for Golden's clothes. That man has not bought himself clothes in years and he's lost a significant amount of weight in the meantime, so he cinches all of his pants up with a belt that has him in strong contention for nerd of the year. I was SO glad he was ready to shop for himself. Once he started trying on pants I realized why he had put it off so long. He is a slim guy, but he has a very nicely rounded ass and muscular thighs. Finding jeans that fit his physique isn't easy. He was avoiding the designer jeans, because they were $15 more, but after striking out repeatedly with other brands, he finally tried on several pairs of designer jeans and they fit. Woot! He looks so damn good in them!

From there we went to Target for collapsible laundry baskets for his kids (the dollar store didn't have any) and then being gluttons for punishment, we went grocery shopping. It was around 4 PM by the time we got back to the house and M was still there! Woot! I can't tell you how happy I was to see her little black car still parked on the curb when I rounded the corner. Finally!!!! She stayed until she had to leave for work. Bond sent her off with a container of soup from the freezer and she was all sweet and huggy with all of us, including me. I really, really hope we've turned a corner.

I'll have to continue this later...right now I need to get to the Poly Nooner for lunch and hanging with the polys. Later, gator!

 

[Petunia]

Saturday evening we dyed kids' hair. Son #2 and #3 and Beanie. Son #2 asked for a peekaboo of turquoise in his bangs. Son #3 wanted two stripes on each side of his head in Emerald Green, and Beanie wanted an ombre effect of purple easing into pink in a strip at the front with pink tipped hair in the back. They all turned out fantastic! The kids each loved how their hair turned out. Beanie kept saying she was "Totes Adorable!" and she was!

Golden and I had a date night. He had suggested we go to a play about comedy, but we downgraded it to a movie. It cost half as much which was the motivation, but it wasn't the arts, which was kind of a bummer. My reasoning was that we can spend more on those sorts of things after the holidays, but right now we need to watch what we spend so Christmas can happen.

When we came home he blindfolded me, tied me and fucked me. Good times, folks! I love sensory deprivation and bondage. The sensory deprivation helps me stay focused and kind of corrals my squirrel brain, and the rope just trips all those triggers.

Our Sunday morning was its typical routine of the guys cooking, me cleaning the kitchen, and then I started two soups, split pea and creamy wild rice and chicken. Beatdown started at 2 o'clock. Beanie and Son #3 played outside in the snow. I spied Beanie attempting to knock tiny icicles off the eaves with a kids' shovel, but evidently my attention was elsewhere when she and #3 jumped on the snow covered shrubs that line the front walk. I'm pretty sure they won't recover. Sigh.

I tackled the glass shelves in the mirror room. They were dusty! They are home to many pottery projects mainly done by Son # 2 with a few by Z, and pictures of the boys. I added pictures of my kids and grandson and asked Golden if he had pictures of his kids to add to the room. I think it would mean a lot to all the kids to see that they are family and belong on the shelves along with Bond's kids.

When I moved in it seems that Golden put boxes in the basement regardless of what the boxes were labeled. Yesterday I found my linens and bathroom miscellaneous crapolla, kitchen serving dishes and a bunch of whatnot. I emptied four big boxes, which created a nice sense of accomplishment.

When Bond got back from dropping #2 and #3 off at their mother's Z was waiting to get his hair dyed. He decided to dye it like Neopolitan.

So, at 8:30 pm we started this massive coloring project. It turned out really cool, although Z rushed the process because he didn't want the pink to be too bright and he also wanted to go for his walk before bed. We got out the door for the walk at 11:12 pm. Oiy vey! We didn't walk far before turning around and heading back, thank goodness!

I expect all four kids are loving today!