Is it truly poly if...

[sue21asb]

When you're willing to throw your 'loving relationship' under a bus because your partner got insecure and jealous, and you'll save that relationship before insisting on equal respect--that's an 'open relationship,' not 'equal loving relationships...'

Make sure they know upfront that they are expendable, and therefore ultimately an entertainment.

I think that last sentence is quite harsh, and at first, I just started replying based on my reaction to that sentence. I will come back to that because I think it needs to be addressed.

After I started to reply to that last sentence, I went back and reread, and I saw the former paragraph. I would tend to agree with you. What you described is not equal and loving, at all. I would loathe to treat either of my partners (husband or other partner) that way, but just because one's priorities are different than yours are does not mean that their other partners are "expendable" and "an entertainment" to them.

My poly doesn't have to look like your poly, and just because I do put my family before my other partner does not mean that I consider him expendable nor an entertainment. I would never just drop him because my husband had a change of heart, but if that change of heart happened, then serious discussions would have to happen with everyone to resolve the situation because I do care about him and his feelings and have feelings of my own that matter, as well.

 

[WhatHappened]

Sue, if you're not willing to throw your boyfriend under a bus, then what I wrote doesn't apply to you. It has nothing to do with 'my poly not having to be your poly.' As far as I'm concerned, it has to do with basic common kindness, respect, and humanity, and with honesty.

Yes, he was willing to lose me rather than give me those things, and that meets the very definition of expendable. It reduces me to an entertainment to him--a well-loved entertainment, certainly, but not real life, not a real person he was willing to go to bat for.

It's not about his 'priorities' being different, but about lack of respect and honesty, about making it clear The Couple was what ultimately mattered, not how their playtoys were treated.

I agree--it's harsh. A very harsh way to treat another human being. Hopefully someday they'll look at themselves.

 

[Marcus]

My husband and I have a wonderful family that we want to keep intact and priority...Would that be poly? And are there people out there who would be able to respect the fact that our relationship and kids come first?

I'm not on board with the "a word means what you want it to mean, language is meaningless" bandwagon. Some words actually have useful and currently relevant definitions - polyamory is one of those words. This is from Wikipedia:

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, "many, several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice, desire, or acceptance of intimate relationships that are not exclusive with respect to other sexual or intimate relationships, with knowledge and consent of everyone involved.​

What you have described (unless their are important details left out) is polyamory. Granted, the word has a very open ended meaning and I am a big fan of hyphenating it: solo-polyamory, hierarchical-polyamory, and so on. Yours would fall closer to the hierarchical-polyamory end of the spectrum.

What you described is not equal and loving, at all. I would loathe to treat either of my partners (husband or other partner) that way, but just because one's priorities are different than yours are does not mean that their other partners are "expendable" and "an entertainment" to them.

Honesty with yourself is going to be a boon to both you and your partners. Being concise about what you want and how you view relationships up front will save everyone a lot of frustration.

Whathappened is describing what happens when at least one person involved isn't being honest with themselves about what they want or how they view their relationships. When you say that you want your family to remain the "priority", you are implying that any other relationship is, by default, a lower priority. If that's the case then so be it, but don't be ashamed of it, run away from it, or deny it.

I'm not trying to put words into anyone's mouth, just suggesting that you make sure all of the cards are on the table before you begin.

 

[kdt26417]

+1

 

[WhatHappened]

Whathappened is describing what happens when at least one person involved isn't being honest with themselves about what they want or how they view their relationships. When you say that you want your family to remain the "priority", you are implying that any other relationship is, by default, a lower priority. If that's the case then so be it, but don't be ashamed of it, run away from it, or deny it.

Yes, it has a lot to do with honesty. And how refreshing to hear such common sense: When you say that you want your family to remain the "priority", you are implying that any other relationship is, by default, a lower priority.

Yes, because words mean things.

I suspect the reason XBF wasn't honest was because, "You're not my priority" or even "You will always be the lower priority in my life" are not great come-on lines.

To be fair, I think he really believed that being married would somehow miraculously never impact him and me, apart from the inability to get legally married. I think he seriously misunderstands many things about human nature in general and his wife in particular. I think his wife was also not honest with him.