I've been having relationship issues after my gf came out poly to me

[Tinwen]

Hello CFT,
so sorry your wife is having such a hard time as well

I have writen a post but then I deleted it, because as FallenAngelina sais, we just cannot know, and any speculation may do more harm then good.

So just a question

Sex may not be the same between two different people, but it's still sex. Emotional and physical intimacy, in my opinion, is the most special connection two people can have with each other. If it's so easy to give to another, then it cheapens what we have between us. Like I said earlier, I don't want sex because I have a biological need to fill. As a guy with a hand, I could take care of that practically any time. I want sex because I'm into my wife. My image of sex each & every time is centered around her & I only.

Could you please explain this a little more for my sake? How does having more intimacy cheapen the intimacy already there?
You know, I do see intimacy as sacred. Once getting intimate with someone, it cannot be taken back and there is always this moment of recognition when we meet again. Creating moments of intimacy is valuable to me. But exactly for that reason, how can I ask to keep this inside the couple at the cost of forbidding myself and my partner to create intimacy elsewhere?
I do get jealous. But I get jealous because I envy.

 

[CTF]

It definitely sounds like depression.

CTF, on here you have mainly focused on your feelings and how things have affected you. I'm wondering if you have allowed her to do the same with you. Have you recognized that what she felt for the other guy was real? Do you understand that she may be having a tough time?

I know that it's been mainly from my perspective, my feelings etc... Yes, there are two sides to every story. Unfortunately, there really isn't a way to give her side, other than what everybody reads from me.

Believe it or not, I have given her every opportunity to tell me everything. The night that she first told me, I sat practically silent, and listened to her for almost 2 hours before speaking up. And yes, I have recognized that what she felt for him could have been real. The problem is, that she never admitted as much herself. She said she loved him, but more as a family member than anything else. While it was obvious on my face that I was not happy about this, I tried everything I could to shove it down & listen to her before offering my input. Other than immediately telling her that I would never be comfortable with sex happening, I kept my mouth shut in order to hear her out, and try & see exactly what the situation was.

The way it came across, was that once she knew that I was not receiving this as good news, it was as if she dialed back the conversation and sanitized the "relationship" she had with him in an effort to appease me.

Despite how upsetting this information was, I would have a much easier time getting over this, if she were to simply admit that it was deeper than she told me. She insists to this day that it was strictly platonic, and that there were no romantic feelings on either part. But there are too many indications that this was not true. Why would it be such a big deal to tell me that she "loves her friends", when she's told me that before, and it never bothered me? Why would it be tough for her to tell me that she has no problem with either of us sleeping with someone else, when she's already told me that? Why - when I spoke with him - did he tell me that he looked at her as "a best friend that you have feelings for"? Why would he tell me that, after talking to a buddy of his, his friend was surprised that I didn't want to kill him? He tells his friend that I'm "a really cool guy who is trying to understand this? Understand what, if we're talking about platonic friends? I've never had problems with her platonic friends. In fact, until she told me this, I believed it was platonic and never did anything to discourage their talking to each other, even when I still felt that the time was excessive.

Of course I get that she could be having a tough time. I would like to help her get through it. But I can't do so if she's not completely upfront with me as to what is bothering her.

 

[vinsanity0]

I know that it's been mainly from my perspective, my feelings etc... Yes, there are two sides to every story. Unfortunately, there really isn't a way to give her side, other than what everybody reads from me.

I wasn't actually asking for her side as much as asking if you really tried getting to see her side. Not to becone ok with it, but to be simpathetic.

Believe it or not, I have given her every opportunity to tell me everything. The night that she first told me, I sat practically silent, and listened to her for almost 2 hours before speaking up. And yes, I have recognized that what she felt for him could have been real. The problem is, that she never admitted as much herself. She said she loved him, but more as a family member than anything else. While it was obvious on my face that I was not happy about this, I tried everything I could to shove it down & listen to her before offering my input. Other than immediately telling her that I would never be comfortable with sex happening, I kept my mouth shut in order to hear her out, and try & see exactly what the situation was.

The way it came across, was that once she knew that I was not receiving this as good news, it was as if she dialed back the conversation and sanitized the "relationship" she had with him in an effort to appease me.

Despite how upsetting this information was, I would have a much easier time getting over this, if she were to simply admit that it was deeper than she told me. She insists to this day that it was strictly platonic, and that there were no romantic feelings on either part. But there are too many indications that this was not true. Why would it be such a big deal to tell me that she "loves her friends", when she's told me that before, and it never bothered me? Why would it be tough for her to tell me that she has no problem with either of us sleeping with someone else, when she's already told me that? Why - when I spoke with him - did he tell me that he looked at her as "a best friend that you have feelings for"? Why would he tell me that, after talking to a buddy of his, his friend was surprised that I didn't want to kill him? He tells his friend that I'm "a really cool guy who is trying to understand this? Understand what, if we're talking about platonic friends? I've never had problems with her platonic friends. In fact, until she told me this, I believed it was platonic and never did anything to discourage their talking to each other, even when I still felt that the time was excessive.

Of course I get that she could be having a tough time. I would like to help her get through it. But I can't do so if she's not completely upfront with me as to what is bothering her.

My wife does that to me sometimes. That is because I was a real ass when we first opened up our marriage. Even though I have done a complete about face, she still gets worried that I will pounce on something she says. She is getting better the more I show her I won't.

Yes, you listened after shutting her down completely. There is realky no incentive for her to open up to a brick wall.

 

[CTF]

CTF, I find your experiences and thoughts very interesting... Partly because I think you are the most monogamous person I've ever had the chance to hear from! No fantasies about anyone else??? I truly can't even wrap my head around that one. And I don't even identify as "poly", I'm just someone in an open relationship who prefers long term partners to casual sex.



So... Avoiding the topic might be working better than other strategies, but it's not working all that well.

The catch-22 there - you want her to be open and honest, but it upsets you to hear about her feelings for these people - reminds me a lot of what my husband and I went through prior to opening our marriage. For us it wasn't other people (we didn't have any other people yet) but sexual interests/kinks. I HATED knowing that my husband was suppressing and hiding a side of himself from me, but I also tended to break down in tears anytime he talked about it

We basically walked on eggshells around each other for several years. Afraid to bring up anything that might ever so tangentially relate to the big ugly scary elephant in the room. It was awful. I don't recommend it.

If you want your wife to let you in, open up to you, talk to you... You have to make it safe for her to do that. When I read your comments about how the hurt comes from her just having feelings for these people, I don't blame her for not wanting to be emotionally open right now.

I completely get that you have a closed relationship and that's non negotiable. But can you get to a place where you can accept that she did (does) have strong feelings for other people even if she agrees not to act on them? Can you accept that, for her, those feelings were real and important?



I agree this doesn't sound like someone who's doing well. It sounds like someone who is severely depressed (although, obviously it could be a lot of others things too).

Reading this definitely helps me understand why you feel something was stolen from you ... Your marriage and your wife changed drastically in a short period of time. Again, I've been there, my husband was deeply depressed when he felt like I couldn't love and accept all of him. I wish I had useful advice ... Ironically, for us the solution was opening the marriage

Well thank you for finding my posts interesting. I'll admit that I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but I try to at least be thoughtful & coherent. And I don't know if being "the most monogamous person" should be taken as a compliment or not, but thank you nonetheless. I know it sounds a bit odd - perhaps unbelievable - but I can assure you it's true. I don't fantasize about others because I don't need to. My wife, believe it or not, is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Why wonder what it's like to drive a Honda, when you have a Ferrari in the driveway (excuse the crude car analogy).

That being said, it's true, avoiding the topic is not necessarily the best idea. At least not in the long term. Now, since we're really only talking in months here, I still consider this in the short term. We cannot keep avoiding it forever. And I don't suspect we will. But we certainly can't talk about it all the time either. And we've talked this whole thing into the ground, to the point that it just keeps seeming to go in circles. All I can do at this point, is continue to work on the openness, and see where things go from there.

I know it's a catch 22. We both feel the need for action from the other in order to feel safe. However, I feel that at this point, the safety that I need, can only come from knowing that there's honestly. I can't tell you how many times I've tried my best to assure her that as bad as it seems, and even if I'm unhappy with what I hear in the short term, I can get over it as long as I know it's the truth.

Of course I can accept that she has had, or even still does have strong feelings... But like I said, she needs to let me know that, instead of sugar coating it because it's what she thinks I want to hear, even if I'm not happy about it.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I'm usually not big on counseling, but you two really need some additional support and guidance, CTF. As much as you love your Ferrari, you can't be the main person to help her with her enormous issues and of course she isn't going to be able to talk openly with you about them. You've got to see that. Likewise, she can't be the one to help you with what you're going through. You're both tightly wound together and terrified of letting go even a little, but your relationship desperately needs some SPACE and supplemental support.

Also, repeating what I said earlier that I appreciate your being here. You're sincere and interesting. I hope you keep us informed as this unfolds further.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

I just cannot live with the pain of her having a physical desire for other people

But like I said, she needs to let me know that, instead of sugar coating it because it's what she thinks I want to hear, even if I'm not happy about it.

I realize I'm pulling tiny snippets out of your posts, but both are sentiments I've seen you express over and over. You want the honest truth about her feelings and desires, but that truth causes you great pain, even after all this soul searching and thinking and researching.

I have to admit that if I were your wife, I'd probably be paralyzed emotionally right now. Tired of sugar coating things, tired of shutting you out, but absolutely terrified that talking openly would destroy my marriage.

You've worked out an agreement on behaviors, but now you're trying to do that with emotions, and those are infinitely harder to control. Your wife has to choose to 1) lie to you, 2) hurt you deeply, or 3) stop feeling desire for other people. But that third option? I don't know anyone who can do that. Feelings and emotions don't respond to rules and logic. So she's stuck choosing between hurting you by lying and hurting you by being honest.

CTF, your situation is one I can't even begin to offer a solution for, especially with your wife's mental and physical health issues complicating everything. But I admire you for how hard you are fighting for your relationship.

 

[CTF]

OK, wait - there is a lot going on here. I don't think any of us has near enough information to really talk about this. This is way beyond "poly or not poly" and way beyond even your marriage. It wasn't clear before that your wife has some long standing struggles that have nothing to do with her sexuality.

Look, I've posted a lot on here over the months, and while everything may not have come out all at once, I know that I've mentioned these issues before. It would take forever to dig up links to every reference, but they are there. I try to keep everything as relevant to the topic at hand, especially as wordy as I know I can be.

You're right, the issues do go beyond poly or not poly. The problem is, that the poly or not poly is a large piece of what drove her to these psychiatric concerns in the first place. Struggling with the feelings that she was having, closing herself off, and becoming so confused about it that it ended up requiring such an aggressive method of treatment. All the while, she was not fully honest with me as to why she was in therapy. I spent months trying to comfort her on, what I thought were the problems she had, only to discover, that she was hiding a major piece of the problem for 4 months.

Every other contributing factor to the need for therapy (work stress, her mom's death, etc...) had been out in the open for years. The only element that didn't exist, was the "relationship" with him.

 

[FallenAngelina]

....she was not fully honest with me as to why she was in therapy. I spent months trying to comfort her on, what I thought were the problems she had, only to discover, that she was hiding a major piece of the problem for 4 months.

All the more reason that you must see that you can't be the one to help her now. You're insisting that she be honest with you so that you can feel OK, but when she's honest with you, your world falls apart. Enter: supplemental support!!! You need to find ways to feel good and whole no matter what your wife is doing. You need support and she needs support. Insisting that you each be the main support for the other is tearing you apart.

 

[CTF]

I wasn't actually asking for her side as much as asking if you really tried getting to see her side. Not to becone ok with it, but to be simpathetic.



My wife does that to me sometimes. That is because I was a real ass when we first opened up our marriage. Even though I have done a complete about face, she still gets worried that I will pounce on something she says. She is getting better the more I show her I won't.

Yes, you listened after shutting her down completely. There is realky no incentive for her to open up to a brick wall.

I didn't shut her down completely. I shut down the possibility of sex completely. Keep in mind, that after almost 17 years of marriage, it's not exactly a shocking discovery on her part that I would never be open to opening our marriage. She knew where that conversation was going to go. I actually think that I remained as calm as one could be during such a conversation.

 

[CTF]

I'm usually not big on counseling, but you two really need some additional support and guidance, CTF. As much as you love your Ferrari, you can't be the main person to help her with her enormous issues and of course she isn't going to be able to talk openly with you about them. You've got to see that. Likewise, she can't be the one to help you with what you're going through. You're both tightly wound together and terrified of letting go even a little, but your relationship desperately needs some SPACE and supplemental support.

Also, repeating what I said earlier that I appreciate your being here. You're sincere and interesting. I hope you keep us informed as this unfolds further.

Again, thank you for the kind words. I also appreciate the fact that, while I sometimes feel like I'm walking into a lion's den, I appreciate the support even though I'm not in line with the poly.

Yes, I couldn't agree more. We've talked about counselling together. She's been iffy on it for a while, but in recent discussions, she's more open to it than before. My birthday is in January. I even considered asking her to go to a few sessions as a present to me.

I don't know exactly how I come across to most of those who read this, but I really am much more supportive & sympathetic to her needs that it seems. I know that I can't fix everything. I don't pretend that I can. But the reality is, that her shutting down came months before she revealed the poly. Trace the timeline back, and is coincides with the exact time she was beginning to spend more time online with him. And of course, I'm wondering why all of a sudden, she goes awol in our marriage at the time I needed her more than anything.

In the past, having space was never the issue. I'm not as clingy of a person as you might think. It wasn't until I felt like I was reaching out to someone who was backing away, and never wanted to explain why, that I began to have such a hard time.

 

[CTF]

I realize I'm pulling tiny snippets out of your posts, but both are sentiments I've seen you express over and over. You want the honest truth about her feelings and desires, but that truth causes you great pain, even after all this soul searching and thinking and researching.

I have to admit that if I were your wife, I'd probably be paralyzed emotionally right now. Tired of sugar coating things, tired of shutting you out, but absolutely terrified that talking openly would destroy my marriage.

You've worked out an agreement on behaviors, but now you're trying to do that with emotions, and those are infinitely harder to control. Your wife has to choose to 1) lie to you, 2) hurt you deeply, or 3) stop feeling desire for other people. But that third option? I don't know anyone who can do that. Feelings and emotions don't respond to rules and logic. So she's stuck choosing between hurting you by lying and hurting you by being honest.

CTF, your situation is one I can't even begin to offer a solution for, especially with your wife's mental and physical health issues complicating everything. But I admire you for how hard you are fighting for your relationship.

Thank you for the admiration of my efforts. She really is worth all of this.

Yes, I've expressed both sentiments quite a bit. And while they seem to conflict with each other, they're both just as true. While no one wants to be hurt, and knowing that each scenario can cause hurt... I still have to say that knowing the truth is far better, and easier to overcome. Even if it takes time.

I don't feel a loss of trust because she may have "betrayed" me (for lack of a better word), I feel distrust because I'm not sure I can believe every word that she says from here on out. For her to say, "yes it was romantic, yes I want(ed) to sleep with him", etc... Are things that I can accept, even if hurtful. But feeling like I was lied to, and things are just swept under the rug in hopes that they'll never be spoken of again... There's nowhere to go from there. I will take a painful truth over an easy lie any day. I'm not a believer that it's okay to lie in order to preserve someone's feelings in most cases. There are some exceptions, but this is not one of them.

 

[GalaGirl]

I will take a painful truth over an easy lie any day. I'm not a believer that it's okay to lie in order to preserve someone's feelings in most cases. There are some exceptions, but this is not one of them.

Have you told her that? I am guessing you have, and all you can do is wait. And hope she comes to accept and believe that.

I hope she is doing her own counseling work. She sounds depressed.

With both of you dealing with your dad's passing, this emotional affair thing and more... it's a big load and it will take time to untangle.

Galagirl

 

[CTF]

Hello CFT,
so sorry your wife is having such a hard time as well

I have writen a post but then I deleted it, because as FallenAngelina sais, we just cannot know, and any speculation may do more harm then good.

So just a question

Could you please explain this a little more for my sake? How does having more intimacy cheapen the intimacy already there?
You know, I do see intimacy as sacred. Once getting intimate with someone, it cannot be taken back and there is always this moment of recognition when we meet again. Creating moments of intimacy is valuable to me. But exactly for that reason, how can I ask to keep this inside the couple at the cost of forbidding myself and my partner to create intimacy elsewhere?
I do get jealous. But I get jealous because I envy.

Well, I've always seen jealousy and envy as two different things. Jealousy, is when you don't want someone else to have something. Envy, is when you want what someone else has. Yeah, they can tie in together, but I generally experience them differently. I don't get jealous of my wife having this proclivity because I wish I had it, I get jealous because I don't believe that something so special that we share, would feel as special if I knew she was also sharing the same thing with someone else.

I'm reminded of the sentiment that, if everyone is special, then no one is special. To anyone who knows the elation of emotional intimacy, I don't feel that I need to explain what that feels like. But it's incomprehensible to imagine having that same feeling with another. Part of the joy, is feeling unique, like there's no one else on Earth that I could feel that way with. Every ounce of romantic love I have to give, belongs to my wife. If the love in my heart grows beyond what she has, I cannot imagine giving it to another. She DESERVES everything I have to give. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's really the only way I can think to word it at the moment.

 

[CTF]

Have you told her that? I am guessing you have, and all you can do is wait. And hope she comes to accept and believe that.

I hope she is doing her own counseling work. She sounds depressed.

With both of you dealing with your dad's passing, this emotional affair thing and more... it's a big load and it will take time to untangle.

Galagirl

It will take time no doubt. And yes, I've told her that several times. Even before this situation. I've always been the type to prefer a harsh truth, rather than a sugar coated lie.

Yes, she is depressed. Unfortunately, so am I. It's a clusterf--k to say the least.

 

[Tinwen]

Well, I've always seen jealousy and envy as two different things. Jealousy, is when you don't want someone else to have something. Envy, is when you want what someone else has. Yeah, they can tie in together, but I generally experience them differently. I don't get jealous of my wife having this proclivity because I wish I had it,...

,
Yeah, there can be a lot of emotions under the name jelousy. For me, it is usually much of "hey, I want to experience your attention now!" so then I hate that he is giving to someone else not me

...I get jealous because I don't believe that something so special that we share, would feel as special if I knew she was also sharing the same thing with someone else.
...
Part of the joy, is feeling unique, like there's no one else on Earth that I could feel that way with.

Now I get the difference! What I seek from intimacy is not really the feeling of having something special in the sense of exclusive, at least not to the degree you do. I do want to feel valued, of course. I do want love. I do want the connection to be unique, which comes down to both people being really there and vulnerable. Being together, pleasing each other and letting down guards is a great gift, which I love to give and recieve, and recieving him it takes responsibility as well, but I am not taking (much) pleasure out of the fact that it is given only to me.

I guess I shall see (sexual) exclusivity as a fetish some people have much more then others

 

[vinsanity0]

I didn't shut her down completely. I shut down the possibility of sex completely. Keep in mind, that after almost 17 years of marriage, it's not exactly a shocking discovery on her part that I would never be open to opening our marriage. She knew where that conversation was going to go. I actually think that I remained as calm as one could be during such a conversation.

Same thing in my eyes. She thought enough of you to bring it up. Perhaps it was shocking that you weren't willing to have a conversation? Had you two talked about it before? I find it odd that you felt the need to "remain calm". BTW, my wife and I opened our marriage after nearly 20 years, so what may seem obvious to you is not obvious to everyone. The funny thing is that when we met she was in an open marriage. When that didn't work out and we decided to live together, she sprung monogamy on me. That was a way bigger problem than going poly 20 years later.

 

[Leetah]

CTF, As someone in a very similar situation as your wife but without quite as many things to handle, I was certain I could not be in love with my online best friend. Sure I thought I was spending more time than I ought hanging out online with him, and other people in our crowd, but I had not had a chance to hang out much with friends just having fun, for years.

More basically, I love my husband, he is a phenomenon, it was just not possible I could be in love with someone else at the same time. After all, he was someone I had never met and, from the pictures I could find online, not someone whose looks attracted me. My husband thought I was in love, mentioned it to me, and started trying to process that idea well before I could even think it. I believed, and I told him, I did not think it could possibly be the case. If the relationship had been interrupted at that point I would still have said my good friend might be in love with me but that it was just platonic on my part. Is it possible she was in a similar in-between place when she came to you to let you know she was telling her online friends she loved them? Has she also cut off contact with the other online friends she told you she loved?

Leetah

 

[PinkPig]

The thing is, that a circumstance like this is packed with choices that need to be made on both of our parts. I have to choose whether or not I can be comfortable with such a change, and she has to choose whether she can be comfortable with things remaining the same. There is no possible way that we could remain together, and both have the favorable choice. She tells me that she doesn't "need" an open marriage, so if we're both being truthful, this is the only way we can both be as satisfied as possible. But make no mistake, if she really needed to go forth & be poly, then I would never stand in her way. But it would have to come at the cost of us not being together.

Responding to the bolded and bold/underlined part. I think this is part of the problem. It's not an either/or. There are other options! You can learn to accept that she has feelings for others, you can learn to be comfortable allowing her to express those feelings, without her ever acting on any of those feelings. Just being accepted and loved for who you are, all facets of you, and being able to freely share those parts of yourself, even if you don't act on them, is very healing.

Aside from that, I agree that this appears to be way beyond poly and way beyond what anyone here is qualified to help with. It does not sound to me like your wife's therapy is sufficient, at all. Nor does it sound like trying to stuff the genie back into the bottle is going to work for your marriage. If you haven't spoken to your wife's therapist, I'd recommend it. She can't tell you anything your wife has shared, without your wife's permission. However, hearing from you that your wife does not dress or leave the house and appears severely depressed, may help her treat your wife more effectively.

ETA: I also don't think joint, marriage counseling would be as effective now. We tried counseling; however, because my ex had not effectively dealt with his depression and addiction, it didn't help...just made things worse.

 

[CTF]

,
Yeah, there can be a lot of emotions under the name jelousy. For me, it is usually much of "hey, I want to experience your attention now!" so then I hate that he is giving to someone else not me

Now I get the difference! What I seek from intimacy is not really the feeling of having something special in the sense of exclusive, at least not to the degree you do. I do want to feel valued, of course. I do want love. I do want the connection to be unique, which comes down to both people being really there and vulnerable. Being together, pleasing each other and letting down guards is a great gift, which I love to give and recieve, and recieving him it takes responsibility as well, but I am not taking (much) pleasure out of the fact that it is given only to me.

I guess I shall see (sexual) exclusivity as a fetish some people have much more then others

It's interesting. I've actually done a lot of research on jealousy, itself. When the feelings present itself in the manner they've done for me, it's easy to get desperate to try everything imaginable to make them stop.

Jealousy, is often associated with a fear of losing something/someone. It presents itself as either anger, or fear. With me, it's been both. Sometimes one or the other, and sometimes simultaneously. The difficult part, was when after she told me, and knew how disturbed I was, made virtually no effort to give me the assurance that I needed. After talking about it the first couple of days, and being told that she recognizes that she's spent way more time with him than she should have been, it simply became business as usual and the efforts to manage the time better were simply not there. If I said something, then I became the bad guy. It came to a point where she was actually seeking HIS permission to log off & spend time with me, and when she did, it was obvious that her mind was still with him. At times when I - out of frustration - told her to go back on & play her game/watch her movie etc... with him, there was no hesitation & she was reaching for the laptop within seconds. But god forbid I come home from work early after the news that a friend of mine was killed in a motorcycle accident & get to spend a little time curling up with her.

I don't think I would personally categorize sexual exclusivity as a "fetish", but whatever... It doesn't change the fact that this is always how I've been, It's what she accepted me for. She had also presented herself to me as being exactly the same way, now with a complete 180 out of the blue, I'm just supposed to adapt? No.

 

[CTF]

Same thing in my eyes. She thought enough of you to bring it up. Perhaps it was shocking that you weren't willing to have a conversation? Had you two talked about it before? I find it odd that you felt the need to "remain calm". BTW, my wife and I opened our marriage after nearly 20 years, so what may seem obvious to you is not obvious to everyone. The funny thing is that when we met she was in an open marriage. When that didn't work out and we decided to live together, she sprung monogamy on me. That was a way bigger problem than going poly 20 years later.

As a matter of fact, we had talked about it before. Generally, in hypothetical terms. But there was a time just a couple of months prior, where she asked me "who, if anyone, would I be comfortable with her sleeping with. I told her that, in reality, there is absolutely no one. She brought up one of her female friends (whom we both have known since high school), and I said, "alright, she would be the ONE exception, given that we both know her very well, however, we're talking about a life or death - gun to my head scenario that would have to exist for me to accept it". She responds with "good to know". So on the night she broke the news to me, guess who the "only" person out of the five she says she actually had that desire for was? Sorry, but I smelled a rat from the beginning. Especially, given the fact that she had not spoken to her in 4 months at that point.

Why is it so odd that I needed to remain calm? On the inside, I was fueled with anxiety and shock. I don't expect anyone who is poly to fully understand what it feels like to be in my shoes, but it's not a pleasant feeling. You just find out that something major within your marriage has changed forever. That the way you thought she felt about you has been a lie for some time.

And it's not that I don't see someone reopening an old conversation in hopes that an opinion has changed. It happens all the time. I get that. But what I saw, in her, was a couple of occasions in which the subject of poly was mentioned, as well as her asking me that question about having to choose just one person that I'd be comfortable sleeping with. Granted, it raised some eyebrows, but I honestly thought that my point of it never being something I'm comfortable with for US was already well received. In my opinion (and I can say this, because it's exactly how I would approach it) is that as soon as it was crystal clear that I'm not open to it, and if she was willing to forgo it for the sake of our marriage, she should have immediately stopped considering it as a possibility. I know that sounds harsh. I know that I sound like I'm not "open" or "accepting", but think about it. If this was the way it was going to end up no matter what, then why put everyone through this at all?