I do get how it felt to you, and I understand your decision. Not telling you to try...
My change of the example was more general then specific to your situation, but I believe it applies to a certain degree even in the case of your wife, perhaps closer to her perspective.
It is useful to think about poly relations as separate. Even from my limited experience with loving two people I find it true. You miss both. You enjoy different things with both. Even if you enjoy the same things with both, they are not the same, because the people are different.
It is also necessary to see people separate from relationships. If a partner isn't willing to give you what you need (because lost in NRE perhaps), it is not the other relationship steeling from you, but the person not being willing.
As for sex... same thing. Sex with two different people is not the same sex. As for territoriality, that one is difficult. Being territorial about your spouse is surely not inherent to everyone, but probably pretty deep rooted.
I know you're not telling me to try. I appreciate that. It is quite obvious though, that that's something that will never happen on my end. But thank you.
I get your analogy, when it comes to different people holding different (but perhaps equally important) roles. But I guess the way I see it is, that a job title, for example, is defined by the specific duties it entails. And in the case with some duties in the company, there simply isn't room for both to be doing the same thing. Sure, there are things that each of us can experience with another human being besides our spouse. Let one of her friends take her shoe shopping. I have no problem in seeing her have other people to do other things with, but that doesn't make it a poly situation.
I've recently reconnected (a few months ago) with an old friend (female). Now, we have many of the same interests. We're both outdoorsy people, for example. We only met for dinner to catch up a couple of times. While we've talked about getting together to go hiking, or kayaking, I've been leery about doing that at the risk of opening up a can of worms with my wife. However, I know, and my friend knows, that NOTHING could or would ever happens. She knows I'm married & respects that. As do I, of course. And in reality, we could get together for a hike or something, but knowing that it would never lead to sex, is where I know I'm not poly. My wife is not all that into the outdoor stuff, she does like to camp, but that's about it. But there is a stark difference between this friendship I have with this woman, and the "relationship" my wife has had with him. For starters, I would never, in a million years tell that woman I love her... Why? Because I don't. I care about her as a friend, and want the best for her, but love is so much more than that in my eyes.
And actually, I do see having that other relationship as having something "stolen" from me. If it wasn't there in the first place, then we would have continued to have what we did before. Sex may not be the same between two different people, but it's still sex. Emotional and physical intimacy, in my opinion, is the most special connection two people can have with each other. If it's so easy to give to another, then it cheapens what we have between us. Like I said earlier, I don't want sex because I have a biological need to fill. As a guy with a hand, I could take care of that practically any time. I want sex because I'm into my wife. My image of sex each & every time is centered around her & I only.
Sure, there may be territorial aspects at play. I don't deny that, nor do I apologize for that. I don't keep her locked up in a basement or anything. She can come and go as she pleases, and she can talk to whomever she pleases. Where does it come from? It's hard to say, but it's not going to go away, nor do I really want it to. There's no need given our circumstances.
