Ex-husband

Millytilli

Millytilli

New member
My ex-husband and I are both poly. His wife is not and wants him to be mono. I don't know much more than that because I don't feel like it's my business.
My question is a moral one. I get nowhere asking mono friends because they do not understand the poly mindset.
I'm just curious as to what you all think is morally acceptable as far as progressing this flirtation we've been having with each other. Your opinions most likely won't change any outcome, I'm just interested in other viewpoints.
Normally I wouldn't be a part of someone "cheating", but I have lost all respect for his wife after a series of events in which she demonstrated parental alienation with our kids. (Like telling them at ages 7 and 8 that they can petition a judge to change custody once they reach 13. He travels for work and is homega only 4-6 days a month while I'm a stay at home mom. She has been trying to get custody taken away from me since the day they got married.) I'm not interested in revenge sex either, just painting a picture of why I would feel little guilt disrespecting their union.
Morally speaking, how bad would pursuing this be?
 
I personally would not date someone if their SO was not aware we were dating (because they would not be able to consent to their SO having sex with me which does potentially affect them...sexual health, etc.) It is a matter of ethics...however, everyone's ethics are different so some would be ok with it, others not. It's up to you to determine whether it's "bad" or not.

That said, as for dating previous partners, I'd be hesitant to go there again.
 
I don't judge other people's morals. Those are none of my business. So speaking solely for myself... I would not be a part of anyone cheating on a partner for any reason, no matter how bad a person the partner appeared to be.

To be blunt, even though you say it isn't about revenge sex, to me, given that you detail why you don't like his wife, it sounds like it is at least partly about revenge. You don't like her, she tried to come between you and your kids, so you have reason to get back at her.

And then what PinkPig said... I would assume there are reasons why your ex husband is your EX, so why would you want to get involved with him again?
 
You know that old saying about two wrongs not making a right?

Her shitty behavior doesn't justify your shitty behavior. But the very fact that you are even asking the question suggests that you have already made up your mind and are just looking for validation of your decision.

Well too bad, that you are even entertaining the notion makes me think that she might be justified in wanting to deny you custody.

Also remember the fellow you are considering fucking is at least passively condoning her behavior or perhaps he's just feeding you a line of bullshit to get his jollies. Either way it's a mess you'd be wise to steer clear of.

If you do decide to ignore the more prudent advice please come back and share how spectacularly this all blows up in your face.
 
And you'd want to cause all this potential drama for your children...why, again? It's bad enough they potentially have one dramatic person in their life, why would you want to add more instability?
 
If what you are considering doing is something you'd otherwise not do, wouldn't going ahead because you don't like this woman be disrespecting yourself and your ex as well? Wouldn't it be as well, setting a poor example to your kids, causing unrest in a house they stay in and confusing them about why you and their dad split their family up in the first place?
Oh and if you don't split them up, do you think she'll be less inclined to try to get into a custody battle with you?
Why invite trouble?
 
Last edited:
Right. Well perhaps I didn't properly explain my position or my question in an effort to be succinct. I was attempting to initiate more of a philosophical discussion than asking advice about my specific situation. I was (trying to) give a background scenario to base it off of; not asking to be judged and certainly not asking for approval or permission.
The only reason I brought up the wife's transgressions was to provide a more interesting angle not congruent with normal guilt typically associated with this set of circumstances. Its purpose was not to somehow justify a potential action.
I think it's a bit presumptuous to go so far as to say I don't deserve custody of my children based off of one post.
I need to look back at my OP because I'm not sure how it was inferred I was actually going to follow through with an actual affair, I was only entertaining the idea. The reality of it, the logistics, the consequences, are all out of favor for an innocuous daydream to be realized. And like I said, my intent was not to dissect my personal relationship with my ex. My motivation was to discuss the morality of the what ifs.
 
I think the morality is what most of us were discussing, but I'll be more succinct:

-Introducing what is almost certain to be negative drama, as well as confusion and instability, into children's lives is not something to be done lightly, and certainly not without some very good reasons. I believe that is unethical.

-Cheating is unethical. Regardless of one's feelings towards the betrayed partner, cheating removes the agency and autonomy of a person. It entails one or more people making decisions about sexual, emotional, psychological, and even the financial health of someone without their consent or knowledge. That person's actions, while they may themselves not be ethical, do not render unethical treatment of their rights ethical.

-If someone is poly and they chose to enter into a mono relationship, that is on them. If that is the agreement they made, then until that agreement is renegotiated or ended, it is not ethical to simply say "I am poly, so I don't have to honor that agreement." Encouraging or inciting someone to do so is also unethical; and, while the ultimate responsibility for maintaining the relationship agreement falls upon those who made it, those who know of it and intentionally goad or incite aren't people I would consider ethical.
 
So what you're really saying is...if you dislike someone, you no longer behave with virtue and honor?

For myself, I am the one who looks at myself in the mirror each night. If cheating with a married man on his wife is wrong, then it's wrong. It doesn't become any different, morally speaking, if I think she's a byotch. I'm still engaged in cheating with a married man on his wife. That still makes me someone who cheats with married men on their wives.
 
Millytilli said:
Right. Well perhaps I didn't properly explain my position or my question in an effort to be succinct. I was attempting to initiate more of a philosophical discussion than asking advice about my specific situation. I was (trying to) give a background scenario to base it off of; not asking to be judged and certainly not asking for approval or permission.
The only reason I brought up the wife's transgressions was to provide a more interesting angle not congruent with normal guilt typically associated with this set of circumstances. Its purpose was not to somehow justify a potential action.
I think it's a bit presumptuous to go so far as to say I don't deserve custody of my children based off of one post.
I need to look back at my OP because I'm not sure how it was inferred I was actually going to follow through with an actual affair, I was only entertaining the idea. The reality of it, the logistics, the consequences, are all out of favor for an innocuous daydream to be realized. And like I said, my intent was not to dissect my personal relationship with my ex. My motivation was to discuss the morality of the what ifs.
Click to expand...

Uh Uh sure, just a hypothetical.

Reread your initial post again, it wasn't posed as a hypothetical. You were attempting to justify your desire to cause harm to your ex's new wife. This is the typical rationalization that people use to justify behavior they know is wrong and want to do anyway.
 
GreenAcres hit the nail on the head, in my opinion. Taking away someone's choice about matters that are so personal (sexual health, as a specific example) is unethical. This is assuming the fucking around would be on the "down low". Things get murkier and less unethical, when people are openly communicating about their needs, desires, and boundaries. It's less unethical because those involved can make informed decisions and determine whether or not they approve.
 
FragsNRuins said:
GreenAcres hit the nail on the head, in my opinion. Taking away someone's choice about matters that are so personal (sexual health, as a specific example) is unethical. This is assuming the fucking around would be on the "down low". Things get murkier and less unethical, when people are openly communicating about their needs, desires, and boundaries. It's less unethical because those involved can make informed decisions and determine whether or not they approve.
Click to expand...

As long as all the parties are informed and consent then it is an ethical relationship. The question posed in this thread is basically asking if something that is otherwise unethical becomes ethical if the victim is an ass hole.

The answer is no it does not. Unethical behavior is unethical behavior. Of course people engage in unethical behavior all the time and most who do so don't consider themselves unethical or bad because they engage in special pleading with themselves.

"I know that this is normally shitty behavior, but the victim is a shit head and deserves it, so my behavior isn't bad it's justice "

" I know cheating is wrong but his wife is a cold bitch who expects him to live in a sexless marriage, "

'but we're in love he's just staying with her for the children"

Etc ad infinitum

It's not limited to infidelity, people use similar special pleading all the time. It’s why crime actually exists in the first place. True sociopaths are rare, most of us just find ways to lie to ourselves.
 
Hi Millytilli,

I take it your question is whether it is morally acceptable to progress a flirtation -- that is, to have an affair -- with an ex. I personally subscribe to the "gray areas slider" as regards having an affair, so I would somewhat accept your hypothetical affair as moral, in that it is in a gray area. Dark gray perhaps, but ...

But I would also point out that you already have a woman (his wife) gunning for custody of your children. If you had this affair, and got caught, that might constitute ammo his wife could use in a court battle. So aside moral questions, the affair would also be risky.

But I realize you are only using your situation as a starting point for a more general conversation (about having affairs). I apologize if I come off as judgmental, I don't mean to. Cheating is a hot-button topic on this site, so people have strong opinions about it.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top