Journey of a Young Poly Person

@Polysnow

Thank you for your reply and telling me that I'm not alone. I'm glad your Master is getting better about keeping his promises!

Pink and I had a long talk on the phone last night while he was driving home from his dad's. I explained what the problem with Mommy was. It turns out she does the same thing to him and Nicole. He's able to punish her because he's her Big. I can't cause that's not our dynamic. He told me that calling her out will just humiliate her and not do any good. Instead, I have to say something along the lines of, "Something you've told me doesn't quite match up. Will you explain to me why that is?"

Pink also told me that I can't scare him away and that it is safe for me to let him in. I had to have him repeat it through text to make sure it was right this morning. I asked for guidelines and boundaries to follow and he agreed. I am a happy girl!

Buddy and I had a talk today. I am his Big officially--not anything else. I'm okay with that.
 
Being a Big can be really hard. Buddy drives me insane sometimes. I adore him and I think it's worth it but grrrrrr.

Nicole is currently my acting and real Domme. It depends on how things progress to see if it'll be a lasting thing.

I have FaceTime with Mommy soon and story time with Pink soon after!
 
I'll explain the whole Nicole and Domme thing when I have time, maybe this weekend. I currently have two tasks due tomorrow (a letter to her telling her how I feel about Mommy and Pink, the complete truth), and a rough draft of a children's book (at least fifteen pages with pictures) due Friday by noon. I don't know where Nicole thinks all this time to do this stuff is going to come from but my body is used to going to bed by midnight and getting up at seven am now so I'll figure it out.

The message from Traditional is still sitting there. I have no idea what to reply and have told Pink that. It's going to sit there until I figure out what to say.

To make up for no story time last night (he had to go get his kids), Pink told me that he will do a video of him doing absolutely ANYTHING for me. I'm stumped on what it should be. Little me is saying it should be him recording himself reading a story just for me and Big me is saying it should be him doing something sexual solo. Stupid headspaces. :/

He's also writing me a song! It's on piano and I am so excited! I've never had anyone write anything like that for me. I don't even have the words to say how excited I feel.

Story time with Pink then FaceTime with Mommy when Nicole goes to bed!
 
My head hurts and I want to go to sleep so badly. Pink is spending time with one of his kids tonight so my plan was FaceTime with Mommy then going to sleep by or before bedtime but that plan went to crap. Nicole is in the middle of a half manic, half depressive episode and Mommy is sick plus her fibro is acting up. They're at the store right now.

As of an hour ago, Buddy and I are officially partners! We're going to talk about the big stuff tomorrow--he needed to eat and go to bed. I am so excited!

I spent today teasing Pink. I haven't had anyone to be sexual for in months and teasing him makes him happy which makes me happy. He sent me a video too! I didn't really get to enjoy it due to it all being a pain so he's going to send it through FaceTime next time.

Pink now knows how strongly Big and Little me feel about him. Some of it is sub frenzy but the rest is because he really is an amazing person. He said he's honored I feel that way and he has a lot to live up to.

I also asked if he was okay being my primary Dom. I submit much more naturally to men and I enjoy being a sexual submissive, something I can't/won't be with Nicole. He was okay with it. I still have to talk to Mommy and Nicole about it.

FaceTime with Mommy hopefully very soon then bed!
 
I just wanted to say you're doing great with the daily writing, LS, keep it up :)
 
Hi LS

didn't mean to put you off with the encouragement, sorry if it did.

Evie
 
You didn't Evie! I had technical problems and I wasn't able to post on here due to my own paranoia. I did keep up with the entries.


12-11-15
So the wifi isn't working. My dad messed around with it all day and all three of us called the Internet company. The same guy answered the phone and he got really tired of us by our third call to him. We're getting someone to come and fix it but it won't be until Wednesday. Got to love rural areas. I'm using the company's wifi to text my partners and check my email but that's it. If you're reading this on the actual date, it means someone took pity on me and posted it for me.

Mommy and Nicole have been sick. I haven't gotten a chance to talk to them about anything important.

Pink makes me regress. He wants to take me to Build a Bear! We talked on the phone for almost forty minutes and we will again before bedtime!

Buddy and I are doing wonderfully.

12-12-15
As much as I love my partners, I enjoy my quiet time where I can read a book and not be interrupted. Because I am the least busy out of all of them, I work around their schedules and I feel guilty asking for alone time. I realize I shouldn't feel guilty about it and it's something I need to work on. I need to have it mastered before I go visit. Anyway, I was actually able to finish an ebook today.

I am not allowed to regress without telling one of my Bigs that I am so they can "watch out" for me. I discovered that last night. Mommy says it isn't always obvious by my text language that I'm regressed but Pink disagrees. Maybe it's cause I call Pink his name (usually when talking to other people), Mr. [his name], and Sir so he can tell by what name I call him what headspace I'm in, while I only call Mommy Mommy and Nicole Sissy and Ma'am. Why can't I regress without telling them? My parents, especially my mom, treats me like crap when I regress.

Mommy is fine with Pink being my primary Dom. I'm not looking forward to talking to Nicole about it.

Being Big is hard when your Little is being a huge pain in the butt.

12-13-15
Nicole is still not really talking to me or anyone else.

Mommy slept most of today after being up late working on stuff to sell at a kink event.

I haven't heard a word from Pink in more than twenty four hours.

Buddy is sick.

The only upside to all of this is that I've finally been able to read.

12-14-15

I heard from Pink last night just as I was getting ready to go to sleep. I am proud to say that I did not freak out once about him not being reachable, nor did I feel abandoned or send him a bunch of texts. He got a total of three--one wishing him good morning, one sending him his daily craft, and the third saying words I've forgotten.

Some guy contacted Mommy on Fet about being my Dom. She took a look at his profile, saw a bunch of red flags, and then told me so I can block him. I have three Bigs who are dominant over me (although Mommy is not my Domme) and I don't need anyone else, nor do I want to add anyone else to the circus that is my life. I need to make that clear on my profile. I asked Pink if I could put that I'm under protection by him on Fet to help ward off creeps and he agreed.

I never imagined that I'd end up with four partners. I consider Pink my partner even though we're in limbo. I'm letting my relationships flow as they're supposed to but the one thing that won't change is me being sexually monogamous, at least not while so far from Pink. I'm fully aware that he isn't and that's okay. I am definitely a sexual sub, just like I'm a sub who loves vanilla things like a task today where I helped him with his work. When I'm in a relationship, my body becomes that of my Dom's. I have a very low libido so being able to serve sexually thrills me, sometimes turns me on, and makes me feel useful. I don't want to pressure Pink by telling him about me being sexually monogamous but I will tell him.

Still no word from Nicole. I don't feel like I have a sissy anymore.

Mommy and I talked very briefly today. She loved the picture I colored her.

Buddy and I are doing a LOT better. We talked some things over and he was able to be Little today, which hopefully helped.

12-15-15

Mommy and I didn't really get to talk today. She was busy with clients (she's a pro Domme) and errands.

I finally heard from Nicole. The depressive episode is ending. It seems to me that she goes through minor episodes where she spends six to eight hours in one then she has a week or two with big depressive episodes. Her birthday is in two days and the package should have arrived yesterday so hopefully her birthday stuff will bring a smile to her face. We're going to have an actual conversation tomorrow. Yay!
 
Another little contact day but the wifi is fixed and Nicole and I were able to text. I didn't get much out of her.

I was flat out furious when I found out that Mommy and Nicole were over at Pink's. He hadn't said a word to me in five hours but yet he and Nicole were making dinner. Not to mention I really hate that everyone is over there together and I'm still over here. Add in that he told me we would have an hour of talk time and things are always getting in the way. I was thankfully smart enough to hold back my really sarcastic/mean comments from Mommy through FaceTime and she did eventually realize I was crying--I sit outside on the front porch to get privacy and it's very dark here at night.

It is now 11:30 pm and I am outside waiting for Pink to call. He had to get the table cleared and find a place to read the book he has just for me. I'm glad it's only rainy and not really cold out here.

Pink, Nicole, and Mommy are two hours behind me time wise.
 
As a Little, I struggle with other people being the center of attention. It's a conflict for me when that person is someone I love. Nicole's birthday was today. Part of me was super happy cause I couldn't wait for her to open her presents from me and part of me was waiting for her (or others) to screw up tonight's story time. They still might. She did, however, love her presents from me. The Husky stuffie and Sofia the First doll I got her are now sitting in her new big doll's crib protecting her. I'm disappointed they won't be in bed with her and Mommy like she said they would but they are small stuffies.

Mommy has given me the task to name and give each of my 50+ stuffies a backstory plus a take a picture of each and send it all to her. I think she's insane but it'll keep me very busy this weekend.

Things with Buddy are still going great. As punishment for not eating, he has to record and email me what he ate during the day. This helps keep him accountable. It's also something I had to do when I didn't eat all day once. I'm not sure how long I'll have him do it. The punishment came from a series of days where he was super bratty I think. He had since decided he wants to be a good boy thankfully.

Last night, Pink called me his Little for the first time! He said he's starting to see me that way and it excited me to no end. I admitted to being jealous of everyone being over there all the time and he understood. He told me I need to start coming to him about things. I'm still having trouble letting him in. I am, bit by bit, but it is a slow process. I know he won't abandon me. I do worry that I'll be too much to handle for him.

He started reading Dorothy and the Wizard in Oz to me. Not only is it the first book that he read and loved, it's OUR book. He fulfilled his promise and we spent an hour talking and him reading.

Today we discussed him giving me tasks just from him so that the super hectic days aren't so horrible for me and I'm not just flailing when I'm needy. I know I'll have to remind him of it a few times at least so that it gets done.

We also discussed ending our calls with story time so I can snuggle in bed and he can tuck me in in a way.
 
I'm very glad that my time distance with Mommy, Nicole, and Pink isn't more than two hours. Two hours is more than enough, especially at night.

Nicole and I are back to talking more regularly and that makes me happy. She hasn't been my Domme really and that makes me sad but I will not pressure her back into that role.

Something is going on with Mommy. Things feel off with her. I know that there is something going on that she can't/won't tell me about and that could be it. I don't know, we're just not us.

Buddy and I are still learning. I had him "Little-fy" the rule list he made to hang on the wall and he enjoyed it.

Pink and I had a long FaceTime last night. I wasn't able to talk due to thin walls but I did have a wipe board and we worked around it. FaceTime is my new favorite thing. I was up super late (1:30 am) but it was worth it.

He has again referred to me as his Little! He said it's okay for me to refer to him as my Sir. He has me started on a new daily task and he's creating a list.

Mommy agreed to letting me take pictures/background of ten stuffies a day. It will take me at least six days.

Everyone is at the munch and I'm happy to catch up on sleep so bed time it is.
 
I screwed up big time with Nicole today. I can't say what it's about but I offended her. She currently isn't talking to me and I don't blame her.

I messaged Pink to tell him what happened. He told me what to say next time, had me explain to him how I knew what I said was wrong, and had me write, "I will treat my sister with care no matter what," a hundred times. He also gave me my first rule. He was disappointed in me and that hurt about as bad as knowing I hurt Nicole. He has forgiven me and will advise me on how to handle the situation if he needs to.

Knowing that he will still be there when I mess up badly and that he cares has helped me feel more secure in our relationship and less needy. I know Mommy is at least over there right now and maybe Nicole so I'm kind of grateful he has two of his kids and can't FaceTime with me tonight.

Mommy is having a bad mental health day so we've barely talked. She'll explain tomorrow. I'm glad she's not handling it alone.
 
I'm bursting at the seams to tell Pink that I love him. I have genuinely loved two past male partners. Pink isn't technically my partner but he may as well be. He's the third male partner I've fallen in love with. How do I know I love him? When I think of the challenges up ahead (coming out to my parents, him being 27 years older, he and I not being on the relationship escalator), I think about staying and being at his side, not running because of how hard it will be. I think of how much I want to cuddle up in his arms when I'm scared and of how patient he is with me. I think of how he treated me when I screwed up yesterday and how he didn't run away. I think of how hard he works to make sure my needs are met and how disappointed he is when we don't get our time each night. I think of how well he knows me already and how quick our connection became. He is worth the growing I've had to do and will have to do and he is more than worthy to love.

I worry about being a burden to him. It's hard for me to let him in when I know he's had a rough day. It's especially hard for me to come to him when I know he's had Traditional drama (like today) because I know it exhausts him. I feel it's my duty to be his sweet Little girl and be extra good, like I could make up for whatever Traditional's problems are and be a show off.

When I'm regressed or just struggling, I really hate that Traditional is his primary. The word primary is not to be used around me when it comes to her because it makes me feel less than. I don't like Mommy or Nicole bringing her up at all. Little me wants to be his only primary because he is my only DD and wants her to be gone. I don't share those thoughts about her with anyone because they aren't nice at all. Big me respects her place in his life but wishes she was much more mentally stable than she is.

No word from Nicole, Mommy is recovering from yesterday, and Buddy is being really good.
 
Traditional is no more! He finally ended things after dealing with her drama for seven hours yesterday. To say I'm overjoyed is an understatement. I was actually wiggling when Mommy told me on FaceTime today. He hasn't directly told me but I figure he knows Mommy did. He's still concerned about her well being, which I think is sweet. He worked hard to make her relationship with her work and it makes me respect him even more. It also makes me realize that I'm Little and mentally stable but sometimes being Little can make me feel mentally unstable. I can't really be worse than how she was and, as horrible as that sounds, it's comforting.

Nicole is still not talking to me.

Pink and I had an hour of FaceTime a few minutes ago! He's very smiley on there with me and laughs a lot and that makes me happy. I made him keep talking cause I crave that one on one time like no tomorrow. I respect his time with others but my time with him is MINE. It's pretty obvious that I am a complete Daddy's girl and I take no shame in it.

Mommy and I have barely talked in five days. She had to send her phone in to get fixed so she's relying on her iPad. I'm trying to be understanding but I need my Mommy! She said we would FaceTime today (the five minutes earlier today doesn't count) and I've sent her three messages that have all been delivered but not read. I'm getting frustrated.

How long is too long to ask Pink about how our relationship is going to change due to no more Traditional? I want to be his Primary crazy badly. I respected that that was Traditional's role before but it changes things for me now that she's gone. I'm not sure if it does for him. I don't want to be insensitive towards him so maybe you guys can help?

My bedtime is soon. It's gone out the window due to Pink but I don't have to wait up for him tonight and I don't know if I should wait up for Mommy.
 
I knew I was forgetting something! Let's pretend I posted this yesterday.

I spent a good portion of my morning researching for Pink. He builds websites and has had me doing the stuff I can do without really understanding all the rest of it. Yesterday I looked up the SEOs (search engine optimization maybe?) for three keywords and added some self explanatory stuff. Formatting can be a pain in the butt. Today I had to find as many free articles sources as possible for those keywords. I also had to look up mental health services for Traditional, although I offered to do it to help.

Traditional is incredibly mentally unstable. She has sent him over 300 texts in 24 hours. He's afraid that cutting her off completely will make her worse so he Facetimes with her before she goes to bed, which seems to calm her down. Her being how she is is really wearing on him and everyone else.

Mommy and I got to talk finally! I was crying cause I was jealous that everyone was at Pink's and she knew bringing him in for a minute would help. After that, I was back to normal. We talked and she showed me her spider Rosalita. She told me to look up flights! It looks like I'll be going to visit in March or April.

I'm going to contact Nicole tomorrow night by Mommy's instructions. I miss my sissy and I know I will have to work to repair my relationship with her, which I'm more than willing to do.

Buddy and I ended things. He has the chance to have a real time Mommy, which he realized that he wanted recently, and I told him to take it. I'm not really even upset. I didn't feel like he was fully mine and I had a feeling something like this would happen.

FaceTime with Pink was short but awesome. He told me a story about being a sunburnt nudist that was hilarious and updated me on other things. He told me about the Traditional thing and read me a chapter of the story. He said he loves looking at my face!

He thanked me right after we got off. I think it's because of the Traditional thing. He knows that I support him regardless and that I think he really appreciates that I'm being cool about all of it.

I am up wayyyy past my bedtime.
 
Today was busy but I had everything done by four this afternoon.

I've cut off contact with Buddy. He has self esteem issues and I can't just go from partners to friends right away. I'm sure he felt bad but I had to consider myself and what was healthy for me.

Nicole and I are okay again! I have my sissy back!

I've barely talked to Mommy. She slept most of the day due to her pain issues.

Pink has been very busy today. I'm having him pick out my shirt and panties for when I go out to family stuff tomorrow. It'll help me feel closer to him and like I actually belong to him.

Major wiggles! Pink made time for me and he picked out my shirt and panties and he's going to tuck me in in under an hour! Have I mentioned how lucky I am?

He's asked to see this blog. Any edits you see are due to it.
 
Just realized I can't edit a post after a certain time period. Crap. I don't know if I should let him see it or not now.
 
Did he ask to read your blog as your Dom, or just as a partner? In other words, do you have the option to say you'd rather he not read it, or do you have to let him whether you want to or not?

Some people on here have no problem letting their partners read their blogs, and some even encourage their partners to do so. Others, like me and I would say like you, use our blogs to vent frustrations and sort through the emotional stuff we'd rather not share with our partners.

I've been fortunate in that when I've mentioned my blog to my partners, past and present, and have explained why I don't want them to read it should they ever stumble upon this forum, all of them have said, "I won't even visit the forum, because you deserve to have a safe space to talk about things."

Do you think you could explain to Pink that you use your blog to work things out for yourself, and therefore there are some things in it that you would rather not let him or anyone else see? Would he accept that?
 
KC43 said:
Did he ask to read your blog as your Dom, or just as a partner? In other words, do you have the option to say you'd rather he not read it, or do you have to let him whether you want to or not?

Some people on here have no problem letting their partners read their blogs, and some even encourage their partners to do so. Others, like me and I would say like you, use our blogs to vent frustrations and sort through the emotional stuff we'd rather not share with our partners.

I've been fortunate in that when I've mentioned my blog to my partners, past and present, and have explained why I don't want them to read it should they ever stumble upon this forum, all of them have said, "I won't even visit the forum, because you deserve to have a safe space to talk about things."

Do you think you could explain to Pink that you use your blog to work things out for yourself, and therefore there are some things in it that you would rather not let him or anyone else see? Would he accept that?
Click to expand...

I think he was asking just as my partner. He even said please. I think part of the reason he wants to read it is because a small part of him worries I'm not telling/asking him everything. I'm getting better about letting him in but I know there's stuff in here that would damage our relationship--stuff I vented about (mostly when it comes to Traditional). I don't particularly want him to see how badly I want to be his primary either; it's a conversation that needs to happen later on but not yet.

I do think he'll understand if I tell him that it's a safe place. However, if it becomes an issue, I'll agree to copying and pasting the stuff from here I feel comfortable with him knowing. I know if I give him the link here that I will no longer be as honest as I am and I need this safe place. I monitor everything else I say and I need to be able to let it out here.

Thank you for your advice and reply!
 
LittleStuffies said:
I do think he'll understand if I tell him that it's a safe place. However, if it becomes an issue, I'll agree to copying and pasting the stuff from here I feel comfortable with him knowing.
Click to expand...

I do the copy/paste snippets thing with my partner. Word of caution, though: if you don't trust him 100% not to be nosy and look for it anyway, don't give him long strings of the exact wording. These boards are crawled by Google and if he puts a unique phrase in quotes, this board will come up anyway. For example, this pretty generic phrase of yours from your 10/12 post:

"He was good about keeping in semi regular contact with me for a while but then one day he had a family emergency"

If you paste it in to Google like that, your journal here will be the only result. I think it takes Google a little while to index the posts, so I'm not sure what the lag is, but unless you trust him implicitly to respect your privacy, you may want to summarize instead of copy/paste.
 
Reverie said:
I do the copy/paste snippets thing with my partner. Word of caution, though: if you don't trust him 100% not to be nosy and look for it anyway, don't give him long strings of the exact wording. These boards are crawled by Google and if he puts a unique phrase in quotes, this board will come up anyway. For example, this pretty generic phrase of yours from your 10/12 post:

"He was good about keeping in semi regular contact with me for a while but then one day he had a family emergency"

If you paste it in to Google like that, your journal here will be the only result. I think it takes Google a little while to index the posts, so I'm not sure what the lag is, but unless you trust him implicitly to respect your privacy, you may want to summarize instead of copy/paste.
Click to expand...

Thank you for telling me about that! He could definitely do that but I trust him enough to know he won't. We agreed on me giving him snippets on anything that may help him get to know me better.
 
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