What is the next step?

B

Buddlady

New member
Hi.

I am very new to this. About ten days ago, I told my husband that I loved someone else. I prefaced that by saying that I loved him and did not want to destroy our marriage. He laughed and said that he knew that already because I do not have a "poker face". I have read one book about this and it was interesting. The other party is married and in a monogamous relationship. But he did say on Skype that my husband was his best friend and I was the love of his life. My husband is willing to open our relationship (he is amazing). The other party has told us that his marriage is sexless. So what should the next step be without harming the relationship that the three of us have now?
 
Has the guy told his wife he wants an open/poly relationship, or a divorce, or would he be cheating on her?
 
I believe that he would consider anything in bed right now cheating. We do greet each other with a kiss. We do a lot of touching. Sometimes I feel courted and then he pulls back. It's like he has to remind himself that he is married to someone else.
 
If he's not telling his wife, then sex with you (and, possibly other things, depending on their understandings) is cheating. In which case, most of us here are going to give you the same advice: stop the relationship and let him work out his shit before getting involved. It is unethical to do otherwise.

His sexless marriage (assuming that is actually the state of his marriage) isn't your issue, and it doesn't make breaking his agreements with her ethical. He has other, ethical choices that do not take away her agency as a person and override her rights to make sexual, emotional, and financial decisions. And why date someone who is already showing you they can't be honest and keep their agreements?

On top of which, if she finds out--and that happens often--the drama that can ensue can be pretty overwhelming. Don't put yourself and your husband in the way of that. There are levels of crazy when partners find out they're being cheated on that can (and often do) disrupt their affair partner's work, family, and public life.

Steer clear. If you and your husband want to open up, do so but, do so with someone who is honest and ethical, and not going to bring mountains of drama. Let this other man sort out his relationship, and come back to you if he ever has an ethical way to do so.
 
Thank you very much for that. My husband and I have told him that he has a place with us if his marriage ends. I will not tell the other party how I feel, although with my face he probably has a good idea! (laughing)
 
Hi Buddlady,

I don't know if you're privy to this info, but I was curious as to what the reason is why that guy's marriage is sexless. Does he talk about it? What the next step is could depend on it.

If you're not privy to that info, I suppose all you can do is tell the guy you can only get involved with him if his wife knows about it and is okay with it, or at least if he divorces.

Probably not what you were hoping to hear, sorry.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
No one can really tell you what is right for you in this situation, as your circumstance is unique to the people involved. Ethics are very subjective and what is ethical to one person might be unethical for another. Ultimately, if he wants to cheat on his wife with you, that is a choice you and he would have to be able to live with. Can you do that? Personally, I feel that it wouldn't be a bad thing to talk about your feelings for one another and discuss the choices you and he have, so you can at least get it all out in the open. Doing that might prompt him to be honest with his wife. Or it might not. I'd say that you need to assess the possibilities for yourself and see what kind of level of guilt/dishonesty/hiding/sneaking you can tolerate in your life.
 
Whether they're having sex doesn't matter one bit because a spouse is a spouse is a spouse when it comes to feelings and rights. The agreement between them is what matters. People often assume that a "sexless marriage" means that the partners are generally OK with (or certainly would not be upset or surprised to find out about) other partners and that is definitely not so. As you go along making your choices in all of this, just know that a "sexless marriage" is still very much a marriage.
 
His wife is no longer interested in sex because she has lupus. I agree that he should talk to his wife about what is going on. I would not want to incur the bad karma of breaking up his marriage. Yes, Budd stands for Buddhist. I haven't told him how I feel because I would rather keep seeing him as a friend and bridge player. But I do love him, I can't deny that.
 
Buddlady said:
I believe that he would consider anything in bed right now cheating. We do greet each other with a kiss. We do a lot of touching. Sometimes I feel courted and then he pulls back. It's like he has to remind himself that he is married to someone else.
Click to expand...

What he considers cheating is less important than what his wife considers cheating, and I suspect kissing and "a lot of touching" would make the list for most people. I'm going to go ahead and guess you're not the cheating type, assuming your Buddhist identity isn't just a catchy new age trend. I think you know the right-for-you thing to do.

Despite what many people believe, it is possible to reel in your emotions. It requires making up your mind to get over it, and refusing to give in to the temptations. Eventually you get to a platonic place. Practice some of that Buddhist detachment... Sometimes it's necessary to take a time out to get over it.
 
Your friend should talk openly and honestly to his wife about how he needs sex. I need sex. If I was married to someone who wouldn't or couldn't have sex, I would insist on opening the relationship so I could get me some, or breaking up.

Right now he's just in denial. He "forgets" he is married. If he is over 35 and has a fully developed brain and isn't on drugs or a drunk, this is ridiculous.

Insist he get his shit together. In the meantime, as much as it hurts, don't touch or kiss him. I know that is harsh, and as a woman with a big heart and high libido, I know how hard that would be, but this guy needs to get his primary relationship to a place where he can get his emotional and sexual needs met.
 
Buddlady said:
I believe that he would consider anything in bed right now cheating. We do greet each other with a kiss. We do a lot of touching. Sometimes I feel courted and then he pulls back. It's like he has to remind himself that he is married to someone else.
Click to expand...

Our relationships always reflect who we are at the moment - and who we are is as fluid as our thoughts, so nothing is ever set in stone. How OK are you right now with courtship with another person? If you're involved with someone who is wobbling and feels a tension between being "faithful" and being non-monogamous, it's a good indicator of your own ambivalence and comfort level. Getting a feel for the understanding he has with his wife is a good first step in making your way, but don't focus too much on asking him to be anything other than what he is. The more clarity you have within yourself about what is right for you, the more your relationships will reflect this. In other words, don't ask him to soothe any ambiguity you have about developing a relationship outside of your marriage.
 
Ugh, sorry to hear his wife has lupus, that's a serious illness and there's no (known) cure. I guess what I said earlier still stands: He needs to tell his wife what's going on and get her consent before taking things any further with you.

Tough situation.
Sympathies,
Kevin T.
 
The next step is no step.

Right now, my husband and I have agreed to keep things the way they are. We do not want to "freak him out" and lose our friendship. It is exciting and scary to admit to my husband that I love another man and have him understand that. I am not going to suggest that he and I cheat because that would cause suffering. I'm going to love him and my husband the most that I can with each of them. That is the right thing to do.
 
Sounds like a good plan to me.
 
The next step is no step.

To the rest of the thread. My husband and I have agreed to leave things as they are. I will love both of them the best that I can. That is the right thing to do.
 
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