I'm not sure that has anything to do with him being poly-curious. Sounds to me like it has a lot more to do with him choosing a woman to date and then finding out *she* isn't okay with poly. That doesn't mean *he* isn't. My ex-boyfriend was totally cool with poly (other than the whole thing about being afraid his employer and some of his family members would find out he was dating a married woman) until he met his current girlfriend, who not only isn't okay with poly but isn't okay with him even having female friends. That, and our excruciatingly painful breakup and ending of friendship, had nothing whatsoever to do with my ex's thoughts on poly, and everything to do with him falling for an insecure, emotionally manipulative woman who bullied him into doing what she wanted by telling him she would never speak to him again otherwise.
Dating the poly-curious. Yes or no?
- Thread starter Cleo
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vinsanity0
Active member
Yes, but in both cases the "poly" guy threw away the poly woman in favor of a mono one. That tells me they weren't really taking poly seriously.
It's what I feel. He explicitly said, when we broke up, that he was open to new people (obviously), not necessarily someone mono. That 'necessarily' was something I hadn't thought about - who in their right mind would want a relationship with someone who at any moment could jump ship? Yes, it's something that can always happen - falling for someone different and preferring them -, and that leaves an awful feeling of rejection, but it wasn't only that - he was open to that happening, and I had no idea... So he wasn't fullly commited to a poly relationship, but rather to whatever may come.
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Vinsanity, my ex-boyfriend wasn't poly. Initially he said he thought he *might* be, but realized he wasn't two months into seeing me, when he set up a date with another woman and felt like he was cheating on me. He was fairly clear after that incident that *he* wasn't poly... but that he was poly-friendly with no objection to being involved with a polyamorous woman.
I don't quite see how him breaking up with me for a mono woman translates into not taking poly seriously. It didn't have anything to do with poly. It had to do with our relationship having deteriorated, and with him meeting a woman who happened to be monogamous (and emotionally unstable, in my opinion, but that's another story for another time). He wasn't looking for a mono woman specifically. At that point, he wasn't actually looking at all; he was still telling me he wanted to get our relationship back to where it had been but needed time to deal with his divorce and a couple of other things first. They were introduced by mutual friends, she pursued him, and he decided to give it a chance.
I'm still going to disagree that a guy breaking up with a poly woman to date a monogamous one automatically equates to the guy not taking poly seriously, especially if the guy has been clear that HE is not polyamorous, or that he isn't sure whether or not he is. If the guy Rhea was seeing said he was open to "whatever comes" or expressed that he would be okay with dating a mono woman, that doesn't mean he didn't take poly seriously. It just means that *he* wasn't polyamorous, which it doesn't appear he ever said he was; he said he was *curious* about it. That would be like saying a woman who says she's bi-curious doesn't take same-sex interactions seriously because she has sex with a woman and decides it isn't for her.
I don't quite see how him breaking up with me for a mono woman translates into not taking poly seriously. It didn't have anything to do with poly. It had to do with our relationship having deteriorated, and with him meeting a woman who happened to be monogamous (and emotionally unstable, in my opinion, but that's another story for another time). He wasn't looking for a mono woman specifically. At that point, he wasn't actually looking at all; he was still telling me he wanted to get our relationship back to where it had been but needed time to deal with his divorce and a couple of other things first. They were introduced by mutual friends, she pursued him, and he decided to give it a chance.
I'm still going to disagree that a guy breaking up with a poly woman to date a monogamous one automatically equates to the guy not taking poly seriously, especially if the guy has been clear that HE is not polyamorous, or that he isn't sure whether or not he is. If the guy Rhea was seeing said he was open to "whatever comes" or expressed that he would be okay with dating a mono woman, that doesn't mean he didn't take poly seriously. It just means that *he* wasn't polyamorous, which it doesn't appear he ever said he was; he said he was *curious* about it. That would be like saying a woman who says she's bi-curious doesn't take same-sex interactions seriously because she has sex with a woman and decides it isn't for her.
I get your point, yet still in my case it seems like he viewed our relationship as a casual one, while I was sure it was a poly one. The ease with which he let me know, and through a text, not even expecting that it would be hurtful to me since I've got someone else... That's why I think he wasn't taking poly seriously, he didn't even get the point. Having someone else doesn't make other relationships less important nor their endings less hurtful. And actually I didn't know he was open to whatever comes until after him breaking things up, maybe considering someone mono is something obvious, but I didn't - or I'd never have agreed to a relationship with him.
Not saying the fault is totally on him - probably communication could have been better in order to assure we are on the same page. Yet I won't put myself through something like this anymore. There's a greater risk while dating someone that is (or thinks that is) poly-curious that things will end badly and I'm not willing to take it.
Not saying the fault is totally on him - probably communication could have been better in order to assure we are on the same page. Yet I won't put myself through something like this anymore. There's a greater risk while dating someone that is (or thinks that is) poly-curious that things will end badly and I'm not willing to take it.
I understand what you're saying now. Yes, it does seem as if he was taking your relationship as something casual that "didn't matter because you have someone else." *That* part... while I still wouldn't say that it automatically means he wasn't taking poly seriously, it does indicate that he didn't fully understand the concept.
It also sounds, as you say, as if there was a communication gap between the two of you about what you thought you had together and where you wanted things to go.
In the case of my ex-boyfriend, he and I were entirely on the same page about our relationship, and he fully comprehended that me "having someone else" was irrelevant in terms of what I wanted with *him* and where he and I stood with each other. Which is why I say that with him, it wasn't a matter of not taking poly seriously, nor was it a matter of him not comprehending how it worked. It was a matter of him finding that it didn't work *for him*, or at least that *our* specific relationship didn't work. (The relationship had begun to destruct a couple of months before he met the other woman.)
I wouldn't necessarily entirely swear off people who say they're poly-curious, but in future I would definitely have a long discussion about "here's how it works for me, here's what it means to me, here's what I'm looking for in a relationship, and if you're planning to just do this for now and eventually move on to something mono, let's just not bother."
It also sounds, as you say, as if there was a communication gap between the two of you about what you thought you had together and where you wanted things to go.
In the case of my ex-boyfriend, he and I were entirely on the same page about our relationship, and he fully comprehended that me "having someone else" was irrelevant in terms of what I wanted with *him* and where he and I stood with each other. Which is why I say that with him, it wasn't a matter of not taking poly seriously, nor was it a matter of him not comprehending how it worked. It was a matter of him finding that it didn't work *for him*, or at least that *our* specific relationship didn't work. (The relationship had begun to destruct a couple of months before he met the other woman.)
I wouldn't necessarily entirely swear off people who say they're poly-curious, but in future I would definitely have a long discussion about "here's how it works for me, here's what it means to me, here's what I'm looking for in a relationship, and if you're planning to just do this for now and eventually move on to something mono, let's just not bother."
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
I have learned this the hard way. My experience is that most people hear "casual and uncommitted" when they hear "poly." Multiple sex partners is something that's fairly easy to understand. Multiple committed love partners is a mind stretch far beyond where most are willing to go. When people say that they are cool with "poly," they're often thinking about sex, not committed love.
Someone said these exact words to me when I had the "I have poly relationships" talk with him. No amount of explanation of the theory could sway him from seeing this as insane. He was exploring and didn't even identify as mono necessarily.
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River
Well-known member
To the extent that I have any "general principles" concerning who I will or will not "date," they tend to be mostly about whether they are available for any kind of warmth, connection, ... anything more than a casual sex romp (which no longer appeals to me -- and never much did). I take these matters on a case-by-case basis ... probably mostly because there are so very few people in my neck of the woods who would even consider "dating" a bi, partnered guy in my age bracket. Ever go looking for needles in hay stacks? One plays at it and cannot take such a looking very seriously. Not without a magnet in hand! A very big magnet ... but that strains my analogy.
ElkSun
New member
Taken from personal experience: I tend to have strong second thoughts. Additionally, I have second thoughts about relationships with people who seem dedicated to poly but are very early in their experience, especially if they are already in a long term relationship and their partner is also new to poly. The reason for the latter is the higher risk of the whole thing going into crash and burn when they run into problems or someone has a change of mind. Emotions run high and there tends to be more drama on average. I avoid situations with high potential of emotional whiplash. My spouse and I have had enough experiences of our own and of others' 'poly growing pains' or what have you, thus we relish sailing on smooth waters as often and as long as reasonably possible.
That said, I don't take issue with befriending them. I'd rather observe them for a while before making a determination whether sailing on those waters is a good idea.
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IndieSolo
Active member
I say if there is mutual attraction and interest, and a certain amount of alignment in values and what each of you are looking for, go for it. To me, clear communication is key in any relationship and as long as people are straight with each other and have a clear understanding of each other, I don't think it much matters whether one has experience in poly or not.